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The System Sucks....... P.S. so do you !!!
This article was contributed by a disillusioned legal expert, and is distilled from his year's criminal practice and you should consider yourself damn lucky to be getting all this info for free. The author is a great fan of Ms. Indira Jaisingh who is arguably India's most famous woman lawyer. Sorry Indu !

We all know that the Indian Legal sytem sucks !!!
What you probably don't know or won't accept is:- that its not the system which sucks, but rather YOU ... (Mr. Litigant Fool) who does. 
Now you don't have to be able to afford a Ram Jethmalani or K.K.Venugopal or Indira Jaising advocate or advocates all, to get the most out of the system :- 
just follow X.Law's  few simple rules below and live life to the fullest...... legally...enjoy...


  • The type of cases covered in this website essentially deal with:-
  • family law (ie, marriage /divorce / child custody / gender issues etc)
  • criminal law  (IPC / POTO etc)
  • Motor Vehicles Act 
  • Consumer Courts... 
  • we are also heavily into Human Rights Initiative, Police reform, Constitutional reform.
  • sexual issues, gay rights, lesbian rights, HIV AIDS issues, LGBT, peoples struggle etc.
  • sodomy, oral sex issues, section 377 IPC, unnatural sexual practices and their legal remedies.



    for our foreign readers : 
    CURRENCY : 1 US$ = Rs. 50/- = 2 Deutsche Mark = 0.7 GBR

    Rule 1. NEVER...NEVER...NEVER...pay your lawyer a great sum in advance..
    Remember that what your lawyer is demanding up-front is only about 10% of what its actually going to cost you at the end of it all.  Even if you are rolling in the stuff, act destitute and promise to pay your lawyer over 5 years in 20% installments per year... Say about Rs. 5,500/- per annum...for a standard divorce or murder case (same thing)... 
    ALSO, be wise to a lawyer's trick of trying to break up a routine case into separate cases, separate applications, separate draftings etc which add upto alot.... Be FIRM...you want a package deal for everything including the office cat payable in instalments !!!!

    Rule 2. The Law is fully in favour of the State, the Procedure favours the accused. (ie., for every draconian " Indian Penal Code ", or IPC, Act XV of 1860, there is a  " Code of Criminal Procedure" , CrPC. Moral : Know your Codes of Procedure well (both Civil and Criminal). Remember its a Fundamental Right guaranteed by the Constitution ( I thinks its Article 21) that says "nobody can be deprived of life or personal liberty except by procedure established by law". So the next time some traffic cop wants to impound your vehicle ask him to Fuck OFF. (more details of this elsewhere on the site.. follow the "Sample Xamples" link)

    Rule 3.The first "interim" order or first "interlocutory" order is the main order, fight like hell for this order, after this your great case  goes to sleep and maintains status quo for 30+ years until you settle the case out of court in sheer disgust....BTW this is what they wanted you to do in the first place but you were too cussed and immature to understand then.

    Rule 4. Nobody in the "system" has time.... all they want is their money.... utilise this fact to your advantage. Never grudge the Court clerks and steno's their 20 or 50 bucks.... believe me even a single comma mis-typed(!)  in the appropriate place can often work wonders !! In law school we call this "court craft" oops "graft"

    Rule 5.  To win your great (giggle) case, YOU must know more Law than your lawyer. Remember your lawyer is probably an ambulance chasing vulture sitting under a banyan tree, and for 80% of the cases this class of "advocate" is perfectly fine as long as you have him under control. Remember your lawyer doesn't need to know the Law, all he needs to know is the PROCEDURE.... You are free to teach him the Law... buy the bare-act of the laws applicable to your case... they cost about Rs.30/- each or so... read the comments in the bare act... go to the nearest law library in your Court... bribe the Asst. Librarian about Rs.50/- each visit as photocopy charges and he will run and fetch all the case laws quoted in the bareacts. You will get "royal" and better service than the advocates who technically are only allowed to use the libraries since those kanjoos vultures don't believe in paying for anything. Read the full case-law very carefully and get an idea from the "High Court" judgements what the current "fashion" is among the judges. Our HIGH judges are very fashionable in interpreting the law !!!
    ( Warning don't get too carried away by the case-law and the comments and start imagining yourself to be a Ram Venugopal.... theory and practice are different apples altogether.. and our learned judges dislike slimy litigants who think they know the Law)

    Rule 6. The emphasis is on HIGH Court judgements because it's here that the "learned trial court judge ie, the lower District Court Judge" gets a royal bum-boo from the Great God sitting HIGH above.  But remember this wisely, it's that "lowly" District Court judge who is God for YOU !!! The lower trial court is THE !! court for you because all evidence is entered here, all arguments ie, "pleadings" are made here and your FIRST INTERIM ORDER is always passed here. Don't get misled by those hi-fi society lawyers who disparage the trial courts, THIS is the place to concentrate, if you fuck up here you are going to need a REALLY expensive lawyer to straighten out your mess. Remember all original pleadings are done at the lower court, it's cleaning up the mess that's done high above and you can't really introduce a new line of argument in the higher courts.

    Rule 7. ITS THE FACTS STUPID !!!  This indeed is the Golden Rule. Anyone can argue, but its difficult to counter pure facts... Remember a "fact" is only a fact if it has a)name, b)place, c)time, d)date, e)complete details of the alleged offence with section of law etc. qv. sections  204 to 215 of the CrPC.  It's not important at this stage to be able to PROVE the fact, that's for evidence and will come up after 3+ years, so till then you can allege any and everything.... like they ( opposite party or o.p.)'s grandfather enjoys donkey sex with 20 lesbian teen lolita virgin Indira Jaisingh clones while reading the Kamasutra simultaneously....BTW this is a tactic often used by scumbag opposing lawyers to get you so worked up that you forget the GOLDEN RULE above.... and by yours truly to get maximum page hits by googlewhacking gnochhii .

    7(a). To counter scumbag tactics like those above... you must remember the following:- Pleadings must consist mainly of facts constituting / defending an offence followed by your prayers for relief. The facts must be enumerated separately paragraph-wise in an ordered manner. IF even a single statement in that paragraph is FALSE.. THEN "the entire paragraph is wrong and denied".... a phrase you will encounter repeatedly. BUT here's the rub....not only do you have to generally and separately deny each paragraph as "wrong and denied".... you MUST also deny specifically each and every untrue assertion in that paragraph with your own counter facts... and if you don't... the o.p.'s assertions are presumed to be true. Ergo a mere 2 line allegation about o.p.'s grandfather now  requires 2 full pages to reply to....Isn't  PROCEDURE WONDERFUL ??????....because a 2 page reply if skilfully drafted requires 20 pages to rebut and 80 pages thereafter to refute..... and all for 1 grandfather and his donkey....and 20 lesbian lolita virginal Indira Jaisingh clones...An astute litigant with access to his own PC / wordprocessor can have a field day burying o.p. under a mountain of paper....get the point !!!!!.... 

    Rule 8 : No self respecting lower court judge ever reads written pleadings.... it's all handled in oral arguments lasting upto 2 minutes tops at the bar.....written pleadings can consist of the entire first chapter of Moby Dick....8000+ words in a single sentence...and it wouldn't make a difference...but can you imagine o.p.'s lawyer's haalat when he has to generally and specifically reply....IMPORTANT : Beware a certain class of lawyers... best described as being trained in the "in reply we generally and specifically deny all allegations in the said petition as a pack of lies, and the only true statement contained therein is the Petitioner's birthdate" school....this type of legal flim-flam may work in Bihar or with Bihari's, but it gets very short shrift elsewere.....
    Think of your written pleadings as legal ammunition to be used for your future appeal process, and as a device to get o.p. to reveal his hand. Its also useful as a device to delay proceedings..."your lordship how can i reply to 80 pages of this XXXX in only 1 week, please give us at least 6 months to draft our preliminary reply.." get the point..

    Rule 9.  VERY IMPORTANT : Lawyers as a class are lazy
    Lawyers are lions in their offices and mice before "your Lordships".  Few Lawyers would go out on a limb and offend a Lordship for YOU... a mere litigant....Clients come and go...but a Lordship's memory is like a rhino's....So it's up to  YOU brave litigant to take on a Lordship...who by the way are normally very kind and helpful and patient with litigant's who wish to plead their own case...with the honourable court's permission of course...as buried away deep inside the Advocate's Act,(section 32) which by the way is a most self-serving piece of legislation...second only to that which raises the salaries of our glorious Parlimentarians..(but that of course deserves a website of one's own..)

    Rule 10:  By now YOU dear pseudo-lawyer would have realised the Importance of being a good debater...able to argue both sides of the case...the pros and the cons....BULLSHIT !!!! It's all been done before...its true...some of the greatest judgements of our venerable Judiciary are direct lifts...chunks of goodies of wisdom of the 18th and 19th centuries....you thought Anu Malik was bad lifting from the 1960's, our LordShips lift from the 1760's and believe you me nobody is any the wiser. Our judges exist  in a twilight zone where the State is a KING no less and the Judiciary are the High Priests defending the faith. So a word to the wise...If your Petition or Reply reads and feels like a Privy Council Judgement...eg. 30 Cal 11..containing solid chunks of Lord Denning and Felix Frankfurter JJ....you have won half the battle...

    PARALEGAL OPINIONS ( FAQs) Your Questions Our Answers

    Q1)  A.B a decent citizen is giving evidence as a witness before a magistrate, when op's counsels asks him, "Have you stopped beating your wife ? Yes or No ?" .... what should A.B reply.

    A1) A.B. should say NO,   { Please remember that if even a single component of a fact is false then the entire fact is false. In this case A.B never beat his wife, so the fact of his beating his wife is false. Also even if A.B really is a wife beater op will have to prove it separately since nobody must bear witness against oneself. }