I remember looking at our apartment some time in my 9th month of pregnancy and saying to my husband: "We're really going to have a baby living here soon?" And then I got a flashback of how not too long ago, I was standing in this apartment before we were married saying to my then soon to be husband, "We're really going to live here together? We're, like, sharing this bathroom and I don't get my own closet anymore?" So just as I got used to sharing a closet (not as hard as I thought it would be) and got over the battle of "toilet seat up or down" (I won of course), came along this baby. He doesn't ask to share the closet and he couldn't care less about the toilet seat but he has his own demands. Let's just say that I've been through school night parties, college all niters during midterms and finals, and even sleepless nights in the last months of pregnancy (think go to bathroom, drink, go to bathroom, drink…vicious cycle!) but nothing compares to this. I gave up on not feeling tired, and just accepted my new state of being, ALWAYS tired. A few wise mothers who have been through this told me over and over "sleep when your baby sleeps" which means smack in middle of the day. I have tried this and failed. I put my head on the pillow and all I could think was "laundry, dinner, thank you cards, shopping, email, my nails, bills, brush my teeth…" And so went my sleeping in the afternoon. At this point, I would like to mention that my very sweet and helpful husband who works full time still comes home every night and yes, he does dishes and changes the baby, and even cooks! (Yes, men like this do exist). Two things I appreciate more now that I have a baby are sleep and my husband.
The first time I went out with a stroller I felt like I have this new identity. I felt like the whole world is looking at me knowing I just had a baby. Again, I thought back to the first time my husband and I went outside as a married couple and I felt like I had a brand new identity then too. Then too I felt like the whole world knew we just got married. A few stroller walks later I realized though that no one realizes and no one cares (especially where I live since every other girl is walking with a stroller). I remember those first few walks, stopping literally every few minutes to make sure the baby is still there and breathing. It took me about 20 minutes to get in and out of our building then, now it takes about 2 and I can even maneuver the stroller up and down the few steps all by myself.
People ask me what it's like to be a mommy. There's really no one word to describe it. It's exciting, tiring, rewarding, fun, and difficult. You now have this little thing that's completely dependant on you from A to Z. Without you he is totally helpless, That's a huge responsibly but at the same time it's the most special feeling to feel so needed and be able to take care of him. It's also one big learning experience. I feel like I acquired a whole new vocabulary in the last few weeks. Numerous baby language categories have been entered into my vocabulary: names of strollers, diapers, types of pacifiers, and all the nursing terminology. All of a sudden, I remember bits and pieces of my own childhood songs and when I run out, I just translate "Old McDonald had a farm" into Russian. I now appreciate my own mother more than ever. I ask her in amazement how she stayed up night after night with me, sang me countless songs, changed diaper after diaper, and still had energy to do it all over again with my brother (Not to mention raising two teenagers =) ) She just smiles in answer and tells me that that is the nature of motherhood and that I too will be able to do the same.
When my friends tell me "I can't believe you're a mother", I say, "Neither can I".
Just yesterday my husband and I were in the elevator with the baby and my husband looked at him and said, "Is he really ours?" Supposedly, at some point it hits you that you really have a kid and you even call him by his name (We're still on "baby" or "little guy" basis). Speaking of which, "little guy" is now calling so I will end here. I wish everyone to some day experience the exciting journey of motherhood. It's a sometimes bumpy and unpredictable ride but well worth it!
