Mon, Dec 4, 2000
10:11 pm PST
mood:
yum: Cookies
song: My Everything by 98 Degrees
words: "..."
movie list:
Bounce 11/24- The Legend of Bagger Vance
Remember the Titans 10/7- Pay It Forward
Meet the Parents 11/11Unbreakable 11/25Little Nicky 11/17- Men of Honor
- What Women Want
- The Family Man
Titan A.E. 11/25
the list:
1015 8/25- Sound Factory
- Pier 39
Union Square 12/3- Golden Gate bridge
- Noraebang
- Golden Gate Park
Punahele Grill 9/22- Sausalito
- Roy's
- Pac Bell Park
- Kirala
Koko House 9/1Avaron 10/27Gilroy 9/23- Go to San Jose (why? i have no idea)
Krispy Kreme 10/7&11/17
look:
*sigh*
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I haven't even finished my app yet and I'm already debating whether I should go or not.
I shouldn't even be thinking about this yet. This is something I should only have to ponder in the
Spring when I find out if I actually get in. But no, I'm having a dillemma in my head.
What do I do? If I stay I will incur a huge debt for a measly salary as a teacher. It would definitely
take a while to pay off. I would have to stay up here for at least 2 years during school and I would probably get to go
home maybe once or twice. Grant still has school for another year after this one. So then if he
chooses to move up here after graduating I still wouldn't get to see him for at least that year.
If I go to UH I will only have a 5K debt, I will graduate in 1 year with Grant, and I will be able to start
teaching soon after. I would be able to quickly pay off my debt and start looking to establishing my future.
Its not even the money that bothers me. Who cares about a silly 35K debt anyway. The thing that
worries me is that I don't know if Grant and I would be able to withstand that extra year. That's on top of
the current year we're apart. I am so sure about wanting him in my life and in my furture that I don't know
if my goals are worth the risk of losing him. True, I shouldn't let love or a guy determine how I go about
acheiving my goals, but when I think about it, being truely happy and living happily ever after with the
one person who can make it all happen is also one of my goals and dreams. Do I go after the prestigious
master's degree, or do I go after the perfect love and future I've always wanted? How does one choose?
This dilemma reminds me of the upcoming movie The Family Man starring Nicholas Cage. He goes
after the high life and gives up the love of his life. He later gets a second chance and sees what his life
would be like if he had chosen her instead of success. But love is success. Well, it is in my book.
I just spent the last hour or so flipping through some of my old entries from earlier this year. I was
so unhappy then. I read all the painful words and the memories come back to me. I didn't like living at
home. I hated the way my parents treated me. I hated the beligerent attitude of my sister. Nothing was fair.
Plus all my friends no longer live there. The only thing to tie me there is my family and Grant. I guess I
have a few other friends, but no real "best friends." I remember crying myself to sleep on countless nights.
I was so unhappy and I just wanted to get away.
Now? Now I cry whenever I think I could lose Grant. I don't know what to do. A big part of me wants
to stay, but there's just this part of me that is willing to give up everything just to keep the happiness
I know I have with Grant. Its the prospect of living happily ever after that has me torn because what if...
what if I choose to stay and I lose him forever? My life is not a movie and I know I wouldn't have a
second chance.
*sigh* If only life were simpler.
<3 always,
mah-rheee-yah
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