Tue, Dec 19, 2000
9:30 pm PST
mood:
yum: See's Chocolates
song: How Did I Fall in Love With You by Backstreet Boys
words: "This is my coming out party"
movie list:
the list:
- Sound Factory
- Pier 39
- Golden Gate bridge
- Noraebang
- Golden Gate Park
- Sausalito
- Roy's
- Pac Bell Park
- Kirala
Cheesecake Factory 12/8- Lombard St.
- Alcatraz
- Cable Car Ride
- Ride the MUNI
- Ghiradelli Square
- Tahoe
- Go to San Jose (why? i have no idea)
look:
6/1990 - Only a small part of my entire family
Funny I posted the exact same pic exactly a year ago today.
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Now that I've finished Grant's Christmas present and packed it, I can finally get my life back to normal
and I can do regular stuff like writing in this journal, cooking dinner, washing dishes, and even cleaning
my room! I can't believe how messy it was last night. It was just unbearable. I now have this urge to clean
everything...surprising isn't it. Well, my mom would think so. hehe
On the BART ride home I witnessed the most brilliant sunset I've seen in a while. Bright oranges and reds
with the silhouette of the City in the foreground. It was so spectacular that I wished I had a digital camera
to capture it like Tammy and
JP. And to think, I was once worried that I wouldn't
be able to see such wonderful sunsets for a while until I got back home.
Today the realization that I wouldn't be home for Christmas finally sunk in. Up until now I had been fine
with the idea. I actually welcomed the idea of doing something new, even though I knew I would still
miss the little things like the annual party at my imo halmunee's house. But I'm no longer just "fine" with it.
I really miss my family and I cried to Grant tonight because I now know how difficult its going to be being away
for the first Christmas in my life.
I suppose the thing that brought the issue to light was a Christmas card I received today. It was from my
other imo halmunee [grandma's sis]. She referred to the card I sent her as "lonely" and proceeded to tell me how
she's been fairing. She's not doing so well apparently and it really made me sad. My aunt is such a wonderful
person that I wish I could suffer every pain for her. "It's awful getting old!" she exclaims.
After reading this somewhat disheartening card I started thinking about all my family members and how I won't
get to see them for at least another year. I really wish I could see them all now. I want to see how my
little cousins have grown. I want to hear the latest gossip about cousins abroad. I want to talk to, laugh with, and
hug all the aunts and uncles I haven't seen since last Christmas.
A part of me is afraid I may not get another chance to do these things. I had almost forgotten about the
aging factor and that it is only a matter of time before the people we love leave us. In the past year alone I've
already lost two aunts. I don't want to lose another without at least seeing them again to tell them how much I love
them and how I appreciate all they've done for me.
My biggest fear, however, is regarding my grandma. These days I know she's getting old and nearing her final
days, even though I try ever so hard to deny it. The thing I fear most is that I won't get to hug her, kiss her,
tell her I love her, or even say 'Merry Christmas' to her one last time. I don't know how I would cope if I lost her now.
My aunt's card hit hard and it made me so extremely homesick. This is actually the first time I've cried
because I miss my family. I just want to be back in Hawaii, listening to the idle chit chat of my relatives,
hearing how well (or not so well) they're doing, and just enjoying everyone's company. Because really, we only really
do it once a year. Unfortunately for me, I'm missing this one annual event, and it hurts. It hurts and I can't make the pain
go away. ='(
love,
boohar mars
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