Sun, June 11, 2000
8:47 pm HST
mood:
yum: mochiballs
song: UhJjuhMyun by KimHyunJung and Dash by BaekJiYoung
movie: Where the Heart is
to do:
- Finish my resume
- Study for the GRE
the list:
Hike Diamond head 6/11- Hike Manoa Falls trail
- Hawaiian Waters Park
Venus 5/24- Pipeline
Oceans 5/18- Eat at Sorabol
- Tantalus
- Waimea Bay / Matsumoto's Shave Ice
- Go to the Swap Meet
Eat Jja Jang Myun 5/5- Mai Tai bar
- Go out with Davee
- Go to noraebang
- Hanauma Bay
- Sam Choy's Breakfast Lunch & Crab
look:
Havent used this pic in a while.
it describes how I feel right now. bleh
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I swear I'm spending money that I don't have and I'm starting to get worried.
Last night I went to see Where the Heart Is with
Rochelle and her sister. First I had to get gas for my dad's
car since it was almost on empty (oops). The movie was really good. Even though Rochelle said it was kinda slow in some parts
I didn't even notice at all. It was heart-warming and it made my love of natalie portman and ashley judd grow even more. =)
Coincidentally, my parents are now watching Anywhere But Here starring Susan Sarandon and Natalie Portman. whee. I guess
I have something to watch tomorrow since its a holiday and all. (in addition to the MI2 that our staff is planning to watch. wheee)
After that we went to Zippy's and I had some seafood plate. I had forgotten how much I like scallops. They're good! haha.
But I also realized that I'm going to miss Zippy's food when I move. boohar. And that's all I'm going to say today about
moving cuz its starting to get old. ;P
Then today me and Rochelle went to hike Diamond Head. WOOHOO. It was quite interesting and it was really fun! Only bad
thing was that Rochelle kept getting tired on the way up so we were constantly stopping. It was kinda irking but I'd rather
take my time and enjoy the view, or lackthereof, in some places than having to lug around a dead friend. I worry about her health
from what she's told me about how she's always getting tired quickly. We stopped lots and I took a bunch of pictures. When we
got to the first tunnel we stopped yet again and chatted with this old guy from SD, CA. He had asthma and was just chillin waiting
for his wife to come back from going the rest of the way. heh. It was really cool there though. One long flight of 99 steep
steps was quite fun. haha. The top, though, was very much worth the trip. Even though people were kinda crowded up there, the
view was spectacular. You could see the WHOLE south shore. I tried looking for the Real World house, but I think it was covered
by trees. I even saw the Natatorium from there. Hrmm, maybe I should add that to my list, although there isn't much to see there
seeing as how its closed. So yay for crossing DH off my list. Next week is Hanauma Bay. WOO!
Then I got home and I got a call from John, the cute KSA president, and he told me we have a meeting today but I didn't have
to go if it was too late notice. Apparently, I wasn't sent the email about the meeting. I'm starting to feel as if I don't
belong among the officers anymore seeing as how I'm not even supposed to be treasurer anymore, and even moreso since I grad and
I'm not allowed to be in the club anymore period. Shit. But I still gotta go cuz well, 1. they don't have anyone to take my place
(actually, Sung yon might become next treasurer but its not official yet.. thank God!) and 2. John asks so nicely and actually
makes me feel kinda welcome like I make a difference or something. We went over a bunch of stuff and looked at things to change
in our constitution. The social is this Saturday at HotIsland. At least its half off..but its still $25 that I should save for
rent or something. Then also the free dinner at Shillawon. Woohoo. YoungSil and Sung and Joohee were really nice to me today
though. They were talking about raving and whatnot and they asked me if I would drop. I said "I guess" and they were all surprised.
Even when I said to go ghost hunting while dropping after the dinner they all looked at me in shock saying "its always the
quiet ones." If only they knew. heh. They're all really cool so I wish them the best in the upcoming year of KSA. =)
So here I am, this girl who is sorta active in the Korean Students Association yet I don't quite fit in among the members
all too much. I started thinking and was being introspective the last few hours or so and its kinda hard to explain how I feel.
Sometimes I feel as though I try too hard to exert my Korean identity because I know that I will never be as Korean as I would
like. I can't understand everyday conversation unless I strain and have people talk slowly. And even then I can basically only
understand basic, elementary words.
But its more than just that. Throughout all the years I was growing up and discovering who I was I never felt like I fit
in completely. I mean, here I am, a hapa girl, half Korean and half white. I never met my real dad as he left my mom when
she refused to abort me. Even though my current dad adopted me and has been the only dad I've ever known I still can never feel
quite right in claiming his family as 100% my own. I can't claim their history as my own. And I can't use that side of the
family to represent my "white" identity because its not. So my white side will remain forever lost to me just as it always has.
I've never really had any white friends anyway. In grade school I had one Jap/Chi best friend, 2 chinese ones, hrmm, and
a bunch of filipino ones. That basic structure basically stuck through to high school with more filipinos and more jap/chi people.
Oh, and throw in a Korean one around 4th or 5th grade, but she left when I was in 9th grade and I never really had any Korean
friends until I went to Yonsei last summer and met Won and
all the others and then when I got involved in KSA this past year.
In high school my best friends were 2 filipinos and 1 samoan. I turned into such a filipino wannabe. I had liked filipino
guys ever since grade school and the asian majority in my school was filipino. The culture was just everywhere so it was natural
for me to want to fit into that mold. I even ended up taking Tagalog in collge for crying out loud.
But it was then that I realized that I didn't fit in there either. I didn't understand a lot of the language and a large
part of the culture was just a big blur to me. Plus going out with Boyet made me realize that Filipino guys weren't all I had
made them out to be. Then I found H.O.T and delve deeper into Korean culture and started the Korean
language classes. However, it was then that I realized how far the Korean side of my family has evolved since first arriving
in Hawaii almost 100 years ago. We practice little to no traditional customs anymore. I didn't even learn about the sebetdon
(money you recieve at new years after bowing and stuff) until my 4th semester of Korean! Shit. I felt so deprived. No, actually,
the word is Robbed. I mean, sure my culture is rich in Plantation Hawaii history, but I want to be able to grasp something Korean
too. How do I assert a plantation identity in the 21st century?!
My mind is constantly racing around trying to find a place where I fit, but its a never ending struggle that I think I will
probably have to face the rest of my life. Why can't I just find a quiet little corner to hide in? I don't even feel right in
calling myself "local." I can't do the pidgin thing very well and I don't consider myself that tied to the islands that I
have to live here forever, as apparent by my upcoming move. *sigh*
So lets see, I'm not local. I'm not Filipino. I'm not Japanese. I'm not fully Korean. I can't claim an Irish identity.
I don't know what the hell I am. And its not even just because I'm hapa. I know plenty of happy hapa people who seem so well
adjusted to either of their cultures, but I just feel like I'm in limbo. Is this what Purgatory is like? No up, no down, no
right, no left. No place to belong. It never ends.
Fuck, I feel like going to a rave and working off my stress. ERRRRRR >.< I just need to drink something and let loose.
Maybe listening to UhJjuhMyun from Kim Hyun Jung's new album on repeat isn't helping things any. Oh yar, remember I'm still
giving access to my ftp thingie bob, although i'm sure many people could care less. heh. Well, have a great Monday. Its
Kamehameha Day. Wooo.
dudar,
maria
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