Sat, June 17, 2000
12:51 am HST
mood:
yum: Soft shell crab and spicy tuna sushi
song: Najeh by Im Chang Jung
playlist: here.
Get ftp access by emailing me
words: "for the first time I didn't have to try so hard to be happy. I was living."
movie list:
the list:
Hike Diamond head 6/11- Hike Manoa Falls trail
- Hawaiian Waters Park
Venus 5/24- Pipeline
Oceans 5/18- Eat at Sorabol
- Tantalus
- Waimea Bay / Matsumoto's Shave Ice
- Go to the Swap Meet
Eat Jja Jang Myun 5/5- Mai Tai bar
- Go out with Davee
- Go to noraebang
- Hanauma Bay
- Sam Choy's Breakfast Lunch & Crab
look:
nuhmoo nuhmoo
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Yeah, I know its pretty stupid to write an entry when I just wrote one about 4 hours ago but I really needed to write in here
before I went to sleep.
I just got back from seeing Boys and Girls. It was an
ok movie, nothing really deep and thought provoking. It was predictable and so obvious what was going to happen in the end and
Freddie didn't even look all that good in it either. But one thing I didn't know before seeing the movie was that it was set
in Berkeley.
For most of the movie, I was just paying attention to the scenery and environment and thinking about my life in general.
(Yeah, the movie was THAT intense that I didn't have to pay attention at all. ha) Its funny how things like that work. I haven't
been to Berkeley/SF since January, when things were a whole lot different than they are now. And now I'm planning to move there, never
thinking how certain things might affect me once I get there.
The movie showed a lot of the Berkeley campus, or what is supposed to be the Berkeley campus, and for some reason my heart
started to ache. I don't know if it was aching to be there, or aching because of past memories but it just hurt. Beautiful, but
painful. They would show the Campanile and I would be reminded of meeting Tammy with Him. A shot of the Bay Bridge would come
on and I'd think of sitting in the passenger seat while He drove. Or the view of the Golden Gate Bridge overlooking the city
just made all the memories flood back.
Am I doing the right thing? I mean, I always wanted to move away from home. I always wanted to move to SF and attend Berkeley
if possible. But to live in Berkeley where I already have so many things to remind me of the past? I just kept watching to movie
and asked myself "Is that what it would be like living there? Would it be that easy?"
Becuase when you think about it, I never had the normal closure I'm supposed to have. It was never in person where I could feel, see, smell,
hear things to get over them. All my memories are in this one place, this one big city and I haven't been there since I was still with
Him. When I left things were fine, things were great, and all my dreams were safely spread around. I would leave planning to come
back to the same feelings and dreams. Now? Now those dreams are still there but are also laced with those feelings that I'm not
allowed to feel again. It will be like returning to a place expecting everything to be the same when I know that it, in fact, will
be completely different.
I'm just very scared, and confused as exemplified by this incoherent babbling of mine. I mean, I really want to go. I
HAVE to go. Its just that I know I will be disappointed at some point. I just need the personal closure that only
that environment can give me...that I hope it can give me.
*sigh* Perhaps I just need to sleep on it.
One thing that did make me cry though was when he said something like "for the first time I didn't have to try so hard to be happy. I was living."
Why cry? Because that's something I wish I could say but know I can't....not just yet anyway. Maybe one day, but not right now.
Can YOU say it?
Overall it was a pretty funny movie. The ending scene during the credits gave me a good laugh. The guys in the theater
made their usual sounds with the sight of 4 scantily clad models. I found that hilarious. =) Oh, and I liked the club
scene kinda. The song was catchy. But yeah..don't waste your
money on this movie unless you are a diehard Freddie fan (warning: he looks like a total dork for about 1/3 of the movie) or
if you want to see a few nice scenes of sf/berkeley. Otherwise, just wait till its on video or something.
Hrmm, maybe by then I'll be in Berkeley enjoying life and the closure that I'm still in need of.
good night.
<3 always,
mars
ps...who the hell lives in a dorm all 4 years at berkeley?
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