I must've been really out of it yesterday to forget to change the date. Hrmm, you can probably expect the same today.
*sigh* Today really just didn't make me feel ANY better from yesterday. In fact, I feel 10x worse. Yesterday
MC expressed his concern about my recent slump and I
didn't realize I had sounded so down for a while. I had only thought of it as occurring yesterday, but I guess now I can see
how I've just been progressively headed downward emotionally. I dunno if I've hit bottom yet, but I'll keep you posted. I
just know that I have been long overdue for a bout of depression. Don't worry, its normal.
At the beach today it was chaos. We got there a bit late so swim time was pushed back 15 minutes. I had a lot of holes
in my lesson plan and the result was having a bunch of kids basically doing nothing and everything at the same time. When I came
back from waiting at the bathroom for Terry to finish changing Seulgi comes up to me and is telling me about something that Sean
did. At the same time I see him out of the corner of my eye holding 6 bbq skewers he had found on the ground in his hands...wolverine
style. I promptly scolded him and told him to drop them. I then proceeded to line up the group to take them down to the water; Sean
wasn't lining up and was being pissy by the tree. I went to talk to him and he said he hated me and didn't want to listen to me.
It turns out he thought I scolded him because Seulgi told on him and I somehow love to favor the girls. He wouldn't even come
to the beach to swim. "I'm not gonna swim and when I tell my dad that I couldn't then he's gonna sue this whole summerfun!" Or whatever.
He did not want to listen to me in the least and it really hurt. I went to get Ada to help and I had to use all the energy I
could just to hold back the tears. When Ada and I were going to Sean, Kevin, my other jr leader, had managed to convince him
to at least go down to the water. Sean said he hated me 100% and liked me 0. Later he would go into the water and when I told
him I was glad that he decided to go swimming he replied that the only reason he was there was because Kevin had talked him into it.
Maybe I put too much energy and too much of my own spirit into my job, but I can't help it. When one of my kids has problems
or causes trouble I'm always at a loss and I never feel like I'm doing the right thing. And when one of my kids says that they
hate summer fun or that they hate me I cannot help but take it personal, even if it is just some little kids' temper tantrum, you know?
I mean, why do I exert so much of my time and energy if someone can disregard it so easily? T_T It really does hurt and I can't
help it from doing so. *sob*
On a lighter note, but not very much lighter...I went to the bank today to try to close my savings account. I need the $100
that is the minimum balance but be can't touched until I close the acct. So I wanted to transfer those funds to checking but it turns out
that I can't have the checking without the savings because without the savings I'm no longer a member of the credit union. Fuck. So now
I have only enough to cover most of my cc bills, but not all. I HATE and absolutely detest ever having my cc balances carry over and
accrue interest. I know it may not sound very serious to you, but in about a month I will need to charge my rent to my cc and all
hell will break lose if I can't afford to pay that back soon enough. It is just a frightening thought and its not sitting well
with me. How's that for lighter? heh.
Sorry I'm being so sad and depressed here but I can't help it. I just came back from returning Tarzan to Blockbuster and I was
listening to (and still am) "Be with you" on repeat. On the way there the fact that I was actually leaving Hawaii, my friends,
and my family finally hit me. I started thinking how much i'll miss everyone who has ever given me the love, friendship and support
that I've needed throughout my lifetime. I actually broke down and cried for a while, because I will miss the people here that have
done so...and because I miss the friends that have already left me. Its a hard thing to comprehend until I actually leave and
experience being away from most of the people I know...but its something that I guess I will have to experience at least once in my
life.
*sniffle*sigh* Maybe I should just stop listening to this song. But it fits my mood even more today than it did yesterday.
"And I'm all alone..." ...and that's just how I feel.
