Thur, Nov 2, 2000
6:48 pm PST
mood:
yum: Frechetta Pizza
song: Wae Haneul Eun by Lee Ji Hoon and Seulpeun Inyuhn by Young Turks Club. [there's TWO for you Dave! hehe]
words: "Nuh neun na eh teukbyulhan byuhl eeya."
movie list:
the list:
1015 8/25- Sound Factory
- Pier 39
Union Square 8/22- Golden Gate bridge
- Noraebang
- Golden Gate Park
Punahele Grill 9/22- Sausalito
- Roy's
- Pac Bell Park
- Kirala
Koko House 9/1Avaron 10/27Gilroy 9/23- Go to San Jose (why? i have no idea)
Krispy Kreme 10/7
look:
The last time I saw his smiling face next to mine. =/
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Please bear with the following incoherent entry. I feel like updating even though I'm tired as fuck.
Go figure.
Its been an interesting few days. Well, not really. I would've liked to do without all the drama I
caused myself but I guess its too late now anyway.
With all the stress of the GRE and applying to Cal, and then my phone and computer problems last week...all that just makes for an irritable, bitchy, confused me. I haven't been paying
Grant much attention and
sometimes I think I'm falling out of love with him. Its not my fault though...this distance just removes
him from most of my life...never a good thing.
The last few days Grant has just been reminding me more and more of
Fobio, my first bf. The way he seems to
love me soo much and is so emotionally attached to me is frighteningly similar. Its not like I want to connect
him to Boyet. I'd much rather forget that traumatizing lesson in Stalker 101, but alas, its permanently ingrained
in my mind. These days I find myself finding flaws that I once saw in Boyet...not as severe but still there
nonetheless. In some aspects I'm tempted to just break up with him to save myself the trouble of it all, but
like it was with Boyet, I'm afraid of what would happen after...you know, after I pull the rug from under him.
So last night I was on IM and Grant was getting really sad and boohar. His friend had asked him when I was
going to be moving back to Hawaii. He told her that he didn't know yet since I was trying to get into Cal.
Grant told her that he didn't want to stand in the way of my dreams and goals even though it meant sacrificing
his own happiness. She replied, "I hope she knows how lucky she is." I know how lucky I am. Grant is the best
person I could ask for, but sometimes the doubts tend to overshadow the happiness. Grant was obviously having
one of those doubtful, sad moments last night.
My AIM disconnected after my words "I'm sorry" and it left Grant wondering how I felt. He called me. He
actually cried. I felt so bad. The last time I felt that bad was when I was with Boyet and he was crying for
me to come back to him. I hated that situation. I tried to reassure Grant that things would be okay, but how
do I sound convincing when part of me loves my new life here? Rather than love him more, my heart felt like
it was hardening. Hardening to the familiar sobs of yesteryear.
Today at work I got an email from him. I read it and cried. Yesterday I had written him an email basically
saying that I get annoyed when people expect me to IM them back immediately like he did the night before. I
apparently hurt him with that. And so I cried some more. What was I doing? I was throwing away the
happiness that I've sought for so long. I wrote him an email back, tears streaming down my face and sniffles muffled.
It was partially damage control and partially my confusion. I felt better after writing it though.
A few hours later my coworker had me read an email her friend had sent her. It spoke of loving freely, giving
more, and expecting less. It spoke of loving regardless of faults. It spoke...to me.
That email made me realize what I have now, and I'm going to try ever so hard to keep it, but there are
no promises. As much as I love him, things happen. That email did make me realize, but the pessimist in me
also realized that if I had listened to it 1.5 years ago I would still be with Fobio today. So is it really
such a good thing?
Only time will tell. 3 weeks exactly until I see him again. We will see.
<3 always,
mars
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