Mon, Oct 30, 2000
9:00 pm PST
mood:
yum: Spicy Peanut Chicken
song: Shape of My Heart by BSB
words: "If you put something up about friends or loved ones or people you can't stand, accept ahead of time that they will find it. If you say something the least bit critical you will catch hell until the end of eternity for it."
movie list:
the list:
1015 8/25- Sound Factory
- Pier 39
Union Square 8/22- Golden Gate bridge
- Noraebang
- Golden Gate Park
Punahele Grill 9/22- Sausalito
- Roy's
- Pac Bell Park
- Kirala
Koko House 9/1Avaron 10/27Gilroy 9/23- Go to San Jose (why? i have no idea)
Krispy Kreme 10/7
look:
This was the night Grant held my hand for the first time and we finally found out we must be at least somewhat
interested in each other. hehe. Funny it took until the beginning of August for us to figure that out.
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I've tried to be completely honest with Grant ever since we started seeing each other. I've told him everything...everything
except for one thing - He doesn't know this journal exists.
One day after Summerfun when we were just chillin and hanging out prepping for the next day I somehow
started talking about "some guy" I knew. How does one explain that I "know" him through his journal? I
tried, I really did, to make it sound as normal as possible but Grant didn't seem to understand. "Why would someone want
to put their journal online for everyone to read?" I decided then and there that I better stop dead in my tracks and not mention that
I happen to have one of my own. He just wouldn't understand.
When I met up with MC for lunch, I had just started being
Grant's gf the night before. I told Grant that I was having lunch with MC and that he was the one I knew through his journal. I'm not
quite sure what Grant thought but he never said anything. (Lunch was delicious btw. =) Does anyone know how MC is doing these days?)
That leaves me with the eternal question, do I tell Grant about my journal?
For the last month or so I had told myself that I'd tell him once I could show it to him in person, instead of just mentioning it
in an email or over the phone. That way I could answer his questions, or even argue against his criticisms should there be any. The last week, however,
I've been thinking about what would happen once he knows. I've purposely left a few facts out of past entries for the sole purpose of being
able to show him something that wouldn't upset him. That's what I didn't want to happen to this journal...ever.
When I was seeing Paul, he knew about this journal. That was mainly because he knew me online with my webpage and all way before we ever
became an item. But once he became a part of my life, that's where I had to scrutinize what I actually wrote here. There were times when things
got tough and I wanted to bitch, rant, whine, cry, everything about it...about him...but I couldn't because he could read it. Sometimes
having your S.O. know ALL your feelings is just a little too much. I promised myself I'd never censor myself like that again. I guess I
broke that promise.
Today I read "why online
journals suck" on the suggestion of gg.
I had actually read that essay a while back, but I think I just skimmed it. Today I read every word and
started thinking even more about the situation I'm in. Eventually, my friends will find out about this journal.
Actually, some of them already do; they just choose not to visit. My online friends seem more interested
in my thoughts than my rl friends. heh. Why do I journal? I've concluded that besides documenting my life
as I first started out, this journal also serves as a respite for the continuous scramble of thoughts in my head.
These days I have very few outlets to help me clear my head and organize everything. It helps me to vent all the pressure
that builds up. And it is for this reason that I doubt I will be able to show Grant my journal any time soon.
That doesn't mean I won't tell him it exists. I'm still debating on that topic. I could always tell him
OF it, but kindly ask that he leave it at that. But who knows...if he's like me, he could always try searching
for it online. Then again, he's not like me, which is probably why I love him so much. I just wish he could understand.
<3 always,
mars
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