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What Would Freud Say?
Wasn't on purpose that I drilled through my finger or the nurse laughed. She apologized three times and gave me a shot of something that was a lusher apology. The person who drove me home said my smile was a smeared totem that followed his body that night as it arced over a cliff in a dream. He's always flying in his dreams and lands on cruise ships or hovers over Atlanta with an erection. He put me to bed and the drugs wore off and I woke to cannibals at my extremities. I woke with a sense of what nails in the palms might do to a spirit temporarily confined to flesh. That too was an accident if you believe Judas merely wanted to be loved. To be loved by God, Urban the 8th had heads cut off that were inadequately bowed by dogma. To be loved by Blondie, Dagwood gets nothing right except the hallucinogenic architecture of sandwiches. He would have drilled through a finger too while making a case for books on home repair and health. Drilling through my finger's not the dumbest thing I've done. Second place was approaching a frozen gas-cap with lighter in hand while thinking heat melts ice and not explosion kills asshole. First place was passing through a bedroom door and removing silk that did not belong to my wife. Making a bookcase is not the extent of my apology. I've also been beaten up in a bar for saying huevos rancheros in a way insulting to the patrons' ethnicity. I've also lost my job because lying face down on the couch didn't jibe with my employer's definition of home office. I wanted her to come through the door on Sunday and see the bookcase she'd asked me to build for a year and be impressed it didn't lean or wobble even though I've only leaned and often wobbled. Now it's half done but certainly a better gift with its map of my unfaithful blood.
-- Cream City Review, 1999
Radical Neck
A match beaten by frail wind lights the cave of his hands, lines that jump like the ibex of Cosquer in the rippling glow of a torch, the hunting-magic of vanished men. Smoke weaves through his lungs into blood, ghost of plants, of the earth returning to his body. One Camel down, nineteen to go. Another image: on the train to St. Louis when windows still opened: when men wore hats like boys now aspire to tattoos: one hand on his hip, the other swinging a smoke back and forth, a small rhythm falling inside the generous rhythm of the train. He turned and smiled at my mother, pointed to a red barn falling down, being absorbed by the horizon. He stood almost the whole way, giving his glance to the distance, and returned to our seats larger, puffed as if he'd become part of land's green wish.
"The skull had a tongue in it, and could sing once."
Always the question of how to address the dead. Dear sir. Beloved though rotted man. You
who dwell in the scented couch, fabric of walls. Yet my father remains exact in what he says,
each communique encoded in action, something he did, as if he returns through what I recall.
Visitations, translucent frames, his arms arcing toward a block of wood, the ax bold in appetite:
the bow his hands made tying shoes, always left then right, a celestial order: wrist-snap of Zippo
top, the crisp click into place like the settling of doubt, his fingerprints on the metal case
proof he'd mastered the prophecy of fire. His advantage: forever happy in these things:
or precisely morose: or bent toward a river's "slow and mileconsuming clatter" with a face
washed of need or edge, the only moment I saw him absolved of himself. A crystal will only form
around a speck, an imperfection: in a rush a world arises, encloses, becomes. Like this he comforts,
intrudes, a twin voice in a restaurant invokes his face, then slides his laugh and fetid breath into place,
and for a second nothing lives that isn't him: I've no recourse but to pursue: yet he's done with me.
Radical neck: dissection and removal of jaw, lymph nodes, tongue.
At the VA they called them half-heads, chop-blocks.
I visited intending to stare like a child, to covet his words, by then muted by phlegm, the esophageal churnings of an aborted throat.
But I looked in bursts, seconds before I'd turn to Williams Pond or the far copse of alders, hoping wind was caught in the water, in the hair of trees, that robin or rose would hover as excuse, a glory requiring my eyes.
No one came close, even staff strayed until it was time to wheel him in.
All the while he smoked, plumes escaping the tube, all love given that pursuit, a reflex gone deeper than life.
As a child I loved the smoke because it adored him, clung to, stroked his face, filled the Valiant with an animal made of endless shapes. And the packs themselves, smell of tobacco new, unlit, the music Raleigh, Chesterfield, Lark, ashtrays shaped as buddhas, crowns and spaceships. The cough was always there, his second voice, and when wasn't someone asking him to stop, my mother, then me, then doctors holding his clubbed fingers, explaining a man shouldn't pass out getting dressed. The smoke clung, become his skin. When asked what I wanted done I said burn him, make him ash: my revenge: his only wish.
-- TriQuarterly, No. 105, Spring/Summer 1999
Other Lives and Dimensions and Finally a Love Poem
My left hand will live longer than my right. The rivers of my palms tell me so. Never argue with rivers. Never expect your lives to finish at the same time. I think
praying, I think clapping is how hands mourn. I think staying up and waiting for paintings to sigh is science. In another dimension this is exactly what's happening.
It's what they write grants about: the chromodynamics of mournful Whistlers, the audible sorrow and beta decay of Old Battersea Bridge I like the idea of different
theres and elsewheres, an Idaho known for bluegrass, a Bronx where people talk like violets smell. Perhaps I am somewhere patient, somehow kind, perhaps in the nook
of a cousin universe I've never defiled or betrayed anyone. Here I have two hands and they are vanishing, the hollow of your back to rest my cheek against,
your voice and little else but my assiduous fear to cherish. My hands are webbed like the wind-torn work of a spider, like they squeezed something in the womb
but couldn't hang on. One of those other worlds or a life I felt passing through mine, or the ocean inside my mother's belly she had to scream out.
Here, when I say I never want to be without you, somewhere else I am saying I never want to be without you again. And when I touch you in each of the places we meet,
in all of the lives we are, it's with hands that are dying and resurrected. When I don't touch you it's a mistake in any life, in each place and forever.
-- The Journal, Vol. 21, No. 2, Autumn, 1997
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