Mmmm. Look at her. Those luscious breasts! Those tasty legs! I can’t help but ogle. I can’t help but salivate. I want it all!

Oh, excuse me.

I was just thinking about Thanksgiving dinner.

I’ll be the first one to tell you, I’m completely addicted to dead animal flesh. There’s something exhilarating about slightly-charred muscle. The smell of the disintegrating blood is utterly intoxicating. The flavor and consistency of a well-done slab of meat is to die for. It’s filling and oh so satisfying. There’s a certain high, a "warm fuzzy", that I get after a Thanksgiving dinner. As a matter of fact, a gluttonous dinner puts me right to sleep.

Thanksgiving may be the pinnacle of Meat Worship, but that doesn’t mean the rest of the year is spent in sacrilege. Meat is on my mind, day in day out. Deer, turkey, cattle, I love them all. I must have them for lunch. I must have them for dinner. Were I to skip a serving of meat I believe I would go into shock.

Not only is meat good, but it’s good for me, too. Hence, it’s one addiction I’m not too keen on beating. It packs muscle on my frame, gives me essential fatty acids, and maintains my perfect health. I’d waste away to nothing were I to ditch the flesh.

Is this Neanderthal-like meat lust really my fault? No! The Big Guy Upstairs made me like this. He gave me cunning and keen intellect necessary for tracking my next meal. He gave me nails and opposable thumbs for wrestling beasts to the death. He gave me canines and incisors for ripping apart flesh. He molded for me a body that needs proteins. He’s the one who put me at the top of the food chain and, darn it, I’m going to maintain that supremacy!

Am I racked with guilt over the bloodshed necessary for the satisfaction of my cravings? Nope. Those countless turkeys, cows, and pigs that have gone to the slaughterhouse are valiant souls. Their lives were not in vain. They died so that I and many others might live. I am appreciative of those noble martyrs. I’ll give thanks on Thursday. Believe me.

The People For Ethical Treatment of Animals are probably throwing darts at my mugshot as you read this. PETA doesn’t like people like us, we the purveyors of turkey murders. As in years past, PETA is going wild this Thanksgiving season, trying to get people to stop eating those delicious birds. But, I’ll tell you something and I’m sure most everyone around will agree…a good old-fashioned Thanksgiving dinner would be incomplete without the piece de résistance of a dead turkey.

PETA may call us meat-eaters "cruel". PETA may call us meat-eaters "evil". Ignore the hype, folks. Get out and guiltlessly enjoy that turkey. You’ve been waiting all year for this moment.

Look at it this way. If by chance PETA is right, maybe one day we’ll all go to Hell for our transgressions against Mother Nature. If that’s the case, grab a fork, cause we’re all going to the biggest barbeque ever created.

Happy Thanksgiving!