Something borrowed, something blue

(by Kimbre)

Roma laughed easily as John told her about the filming nightmare that had occurred that afternoon when one of the extras could just not seem to get her one line correct. The scene had to be re-shot a dozen times and was one of the few things that had gotten accomplished on John’s set that day.

It was Friday night and John had brought her to one of the quieter, more romantic restaurants in town, carefully reserving a secluded table in the corner. Reilly was spending the night with her surrogate grandmother, Della, leaving the couple to have some much treasured time alone. Though John had been living with them for nearly a year, each and every moment they spent together was still so precious.

"Well, you’ll be pleased to know that my filming was completely uneventful and not nearly as amusing without Andrew in the scene." A coy smile graced her delicate features and her dark eyes twinkled playfully.

John felt his heart doing flip flops as he gazed into Roma’s eyes. They had been together for almost a year and a half and the intense love he felt for her had done nothing but grow stronger in that time. He just hoped with everything inside of him that what he had planned for tonight would finally be accepted. He just had to choose his moment carefully.

"Well, maybe Martha is separating Andrew and Monica on occasion because he can’t seem to control himself and keeps flirting with his Angel Girl," He raised an eyebrow in her direction, pleased when her little laugh flowed through the air.

"Yes, well, there is that," She replied, reaching to take another sip of her coffee.

"Andrew is a lot like me, apparently," John added, his green eyes taking on a more serious expression, "As I can’t seem to hide even for a moment what I’m feeling for you."

A slight blush rose to the actresses’ cheeks, "Johnny," She murmured, lowering her eyes shyly for a moment before raising them once more, "I have no desire to hide how much I love you, ever."

He summoned up his courage, knowing that things were going exactly as he wanted them to go. Getting up from his chair, he closed the distance to her and reached for her hand, "No, angel, me neither," John replied as he knelt down next to her chair, "Nor do I want to hide it from the rest of the world."

Roma’s heart began to pound in panic. She knew where this was going and it just couldn’t, "John, no, please don’t do this."

The expression on her face was pure terror and he felt his enthusiasm diminish slightly, "Baby, please. I know I said I wasn’t going to push you,

but more time has gone by now and things have been going so well. I just…I love you so much."

Tears welled up in Roma’s eyes and soon slipped onto her cheeks, "And you know how much I love you, Johnny. I can’t imagine my life without you in it, but I just…I can’t marry you. I’m too afraid."

He was struggling to keep his frustration intact as he reached up to swipe at her tears, "Angel, but why? You’re not afraid of me, are you?"

"No," She nearly cried out before lowering her voice, "No, John, never. You’re good and kind and so gentle, but every time I get married it all falls apart and I don’t think I could bear it if we fell apart!"

"Roma, that’s never going to happen," He whispered tenderly, trying to soothe the quiet sobs that were escaping her.

"I just can’t risk it, John! I can’t! I love you too much! Reilly loves you too much! I can’t lose you, John!" Pulling her hand away, she covered her face with her hands.

"Okay, okay," John pulled her gently into his arms, "I’m sorry. I just wish you’d believe me."

"It’s not you," Roma whispered against his shoulder, "It’s me. I wish more than anything I could make myself feel differently, but…"

"But you can’t help how you feel," He felt so disappointed, but he couldn’t be angry with her. David had put her through so much, causing her to live a life of abuse and fear and those wounds apparently could take a lifetime to heal. He tried to tell himself that they were married in all the ways that mattered, but somehow it wasn’t making him feel much better.

"Can we go home, please?" She uttered sadly, "I’m sorry. I’m just so sorry."

"You have nothing to be sorry for," John assured her. He wondered if his need to beat the tar out of David would ever diminish entirely. Everything he wanted was so close at hand, but Roma just seemed unable to move past this last obstacle. He only hoped that he could make himself go around it.

*****

That badly ended meal had been nearly a week ago and it was all Roma could do to keep her anguish hidden. John had been a little distant ever since they had returned home that night, but she knew him well and knew he was just trying to deal with his own emotions. Though he still played with Reilly for hours and wrapped his arm around Roma’s waist protectively as they fell asleep at night, the twinkle in his eyes and his good natured grin had not yet resurfaced.

Roma was afraid that somehow in trying to keep their relationship safe, that she was driving him away nonetheless by her refusal to marry him. The thought had sent her into a near panic and had been playing havoc on her stomach as she had been having difficulty keeping food down the last few days. She kept it all well hidden from John, however, not wanting him to worry.

It all just felt so hopeless to her, but though she may have thought she was fooling John by her act that everything was fine within her world, there was someone else who was not so easily fooled.

Della cornered Roma in her trailer on the lunch break, having noticed that the couple had spoken a few words to each other and then John had gone his own way for lunch. The older actress had been feeling for days that something was not quite right between the two of them and had decided it was time to get to the bottom of it.

"All right, Roma, out with it."

The little actresses’ head jerked up at hearing Della enter her trailer without so much as a knock and Roma found herself frantically swiping at the tears she had hoped to keep hidden.

Della’s expression instantly softened as she saw that her young friend had been crying and she quickly took a seat on the sofa next to Roma and reached for her hand, "Talk to me, baby. Something is very wrong and you need to start talking."

Roma sniffled and tried to control her emotions well enough to speak, but the words she settled on sounded anything but negative to Della, "John wants to marry me."

The older actresses’ face broke into a wide grin, "Baby, that is wonderful! I’ve been waiting for that to happen since long before you two even announced you were dating!"

But Della’s smile quickly faded when Roma burst into tears and covered her face with her hands, "Don’t you see, Della? I can’t marry him!"

"Roma? What are you talking about?" Della was quick to pull the sobbing young actress into her arms, and rocked her gently as she waited for Roma to speak again.

"Just what I said," She managed to choke out after a few moments, "I can’t marry him. I’m too afraid. If I marry him and it doesn’t work out…I can’t go through that again, Della!"

Della was quiet as she rocked Roma in her arms quietly for a few quiet minutes, until she heard her friend’s sobs begin to lessen. It was only then that she began to speak, "I’m going to give you my opinion on all of this, baby and I want you to listen and listen good, you hear me?" Getting a timid nod, she continued, "I don’t think losing John is ever going to be an option for you. That boy has it for you BAD and always has, before you were even aware of it. You know how much he loves you! He would go to the end of the earth if you asked him to do it and he would do it happily. Walking away is not even in that boy’s vocabulary, Roma."

Remaining where she was, nestled in Della’s arms, Roma finally confessed to something much deeper and much more disturbing, "I know that. I do, but David….the things he did to me, for all those years…" She closed her eyes briefly, trying to find the words and the strength to continue, "I don’t deserve Johnny, Della. He deserves better than me…he deserves someone…someone who isn’t all used up…."

With that tearful confession, Della pulled away and gripped Roma’s shoulders tightly to look into her tear-filled eyes. Her expression was stern and borderline angry, though that anger was in no way directed at the young actress, "You listen to me, Roma Downey. That was absolute garbage that just came out of your mouth. You hear me? Garbage! What that monster of an ex-husband did to you had nothing to do with you. It had to do with him and how horrible a person he was. It had to do with his need to control you and nothing he did makes you any less in the eyes of God, so why would you think it would make you less in John’s eyes?"

She was crying again, trying to take in all the words Della had just said, trying to make her understand how she could feel so lost, "I’ve been afraid that one day John will realize it…that he’ll understand or it will finally sink in…what David did. If that happens and we aren’t married, he can just walk away, but if we are married…."

"Baby," Della laid a gentle hand on Roma’s tear streaked cheek, "John knows everything that man did to you. He already knows, sweetheart, and he hates what David did. He hates it because of the pain it has caused you. That boy never wants to see you hurting, baby. Never. You need to stop placing so much value on what David did, and start finding your worth in John’s eyes, because the truth is all there."

Della fell quiet for a moment as she looked into her friend’s reddened eyes, her hand still resting against her cheek. The pain of the world was in those brown eyes, but just beyond the pain were the first glimpses of understanding, "Trust him, baby. Trust him not to hurt you. He doesn’t think you do."

"I do trust him," Roma whispered tearfully, "And I want to marry him. I’ve just been so afraid-."

"That’s where the trust comes in, baby. Trust John and trust God. He has a plan for your life, Roma, and it’s a good one." Dropping her hand from Roma’s face, she reached for both of her hands instead, "And don’t ever let me hear you say that you are all used up. You are so full of life and love and you deserve every blessing that the good Lord has coming your way."

A tiny smile flitted across Roma’s lips as she reached to hug her dear friend and surrogate mother, "I love you, Della. Thank you."

"I love you too, baby," She whispered, returning the warm embrace before pulling away, "Now, didn’t you say this morning that you were leaving early for an appointment?"

"Yes, but I’m not sure I’ll need it now," She explained, wiping at her remaining tears, "I’ve been so upset the last few days and it was affecting my stomach."

Della eyes traveled over Roma’s face, taking in her drawn, tired appearance, "It wouldn’t hurt you to go just in case. Besides, the director has already made plans to film around your parts. So, go and get yourself a clean bill of health. It looks like you’ll need if you’ll be planning a wedding soon."

A worried expression crossed Roma’s Gaelic features for a moment, "Johnny and I need to have a long talk first."

"I think he’s been waiting for just that, honey," Della stated knowingly, "Now get out of here. You have things to do!"

With a small smile, Roma grabbed her coat, leaned over to kiss Della’s cheek and then vanished out the trailer door.

*****

John knew he had been a little distant the past several days, but when he arrived home late that evening, after a long day of filming, one look at Roma told him that something was very wrong. She was pale and her eyes were red from tears and he immediately chastised himself for acting like such an idiot. He had promised her months ago that he wouldn’t pressure her to marry him, and then he had not only done just that, but had also acted like a sulking child in the days since. It was anything but fair.

"Angel?" He approached her carefully and then sat down next to her on the sofa and reached for her hand. It was ice cold.

Roma looked up at him through turmoil-filled eyes, having no idea how to even begin. After her talk with Della, she’d had a vague idea of how to begin this conversation, but after her doctor’s appointment, everything had changed.

"John…" Her voice was a helpless whisper and he quickly took the lead.

"No, baby, let me. I’m so sorry for the way I’ve been acting this week. I was disappointed about Friday night, but that was so unfair to you. I knew how you felt about marriage and I pushed you and it was wrong of me to do it. I never meant to upset you and then to make things worse, I acted like an ass all week," He reached up and brushed his hands over her auburn hair, "Forgive me, angel. I love you so much and anything you can give me is way more than I deserve."

Not having expected this conversation to begin this way, Roma blinked and tears fell onto her cheeks. Grabbing one of his hands, she pressed it to her cheek and closed her eyes, feeling her love for him consume her once more. She forced herself to breathe, allowing his calming presence to wash over her, "I have so much to tell you and I don’t know where to begin," She uttered softly.

"Sweetheart, you don’t owe me any explanation," He countered, his thumb moving gently over her delicate skin where she still held onto his hand.

"Yes. I do." Roma insisted, lowering their joined hands but still holding on tightly, "I had a long talk with Della today and I told her some things I should have told you a long time ago, but I was too afraid to," She looked up at him, seeing the fierce protection in his green eyes, "I….I told you I was afraid to marry you because I didn’t’ want to lose you, but that wasn’t the entire truth…"

Her voice trailed off, but John never said a word. He just kept watching her, with the tenderness of the world in his eyes, never pushing, only waiting for her to continue. After a moment, she drew in a deep breath and continued, "You know all about my marriage to David…all of it. You know about how he basically….raped me again and again and I…." The tears were back and making themselves known once more as she struggled to keep her voice steady, even as she looked away, ashamed, "You’ve always been so good to me, so loving and kind and…I never…I’ve never felt like I deserved you. I thought you deserved so much better…you deserved someone who hadn’t been…used that way…someone who hadn’t allowed herself to be used that way-."

"Angel, stop. Please."

His voice was choked and Roma’s eyes flew back to his face, shocked to see tears glistening in his own eyes. A tiny sob escaped her as she forced herself

to finish, "I’ve never been able to understand how I could mean anything to you."

His green eyes full of unshed tears, John reached up to cup her face in his hands, taking a moment to just look into her liquid, brown eyes. Once he felt he had a reasonable control on his emotions, he spoke in a soft whisper, "You don’t just mean anything to me, Roma. You mean everything to me. Baby, you always have. You’re my reason for living, for getting up in the morning, for breathing. Don’t you know that by now? Without you, I wouldn’t want to go on living."

Tears slid down her cheeks and into his fingers, "I guess I needed you to remind me, because…the voices inside of me can be so loud sometimes."

His gaze was unwavering as he took in every aspect of her face, loving her more with each breath he took, "Is that why you won’t marry me?"

"That was why I didn’t want to," She replied tearfully, his handsome face blurred by the persistent tears, "I wanted to make it easy for you to walk away if…if you ever felt the need, because if I marry you, John Dye, I’m never going to be able to let you go!"

As she broke down into sobs, John pulled her to his chest tightly, still blinking back his own tears over her words, "You know what, Angel? That will suit me just fine," He murmured in her ear, a smile crossing his face when he felt her hold onto him tightly. He kissed the top of her head repeatedly, his hand tangling in her long hair as he breathed in the sweet scent of it. As she started to quiet, he pulled away enough to look into her eyes, "Do you have any idea of just how much I love you, my sweet angel?"

A smile broke out over Roma’s face, "I’m starting to think that maybe I do," She bit her lip, for a brief moment, feeling overwhelmed with the love she could so clearly see in his eyes, "I love you, Johnny. You’re all I’ve ever wanted."

Leaning in, John kissed her lips tenderly, tasting the salt of her tears. The kiss was slow and languid, but spoke of no more than unconditional love. When they parted, his fingers worked into her hair as he held her gaze, "Marry me." He uttered simply.

"I think there’s one other thing you need to know first," Roma stated softly, uncertainty flashing in her eyes once more.

"No. There is nothing else that will change this. I want to marry you, Roma. I want to spend the rest of my life with you and with Reilly. I want to fall asleep with you every night and wake up with you in my arms every morning. I want to grow old with you and watch you grow more beautiful each day. I want to adopt Reilly, officially. I want to become her father, legally and on paper. I want us to be a family, Angel. A forever family."

She swallowed another sob at his words as her hand moved to stroke his cheek, "I want that too. I want all of that."

"Then say yes." He urged, taking her hand from his face and kissing her palm.

A single tear rolled down her cheek as she nodded her head, "Yes. Yes, I’ll marry you, Johnny."

Letting out a whoop of joy, John pulled her to her feet, only to sweep her up and spin her around in his arms. She was laughing when he placed her back on her feet and then dug around in his pocket. Pulling out a ring box, he urged her to sit down and then he knelt in front of her, "I’ve been carrying this around for almost a year, you know," He grinned up her, looking more like an excited little boy than a man at the moment. He opened the box slowly until it snapped open.

Roma gasped at the simple beauty of the ring he had chosen. A large diamond was set in amongst four smaller diamonds and the band was a Celtic knot pattern, bringing to mind her beloved Ireland, "Oh John…."

Picking up the ring, John reached for her hand, and gently slid the ring onto her finger, before kissing her fingertips lovingly, "I hope you know how happy you’ve just made me, Angel."

Roma was quiet for a moment as she gazed down at her hand. She was going to finally marry the man of her dreams, the one who would love her forever. She just hoped he would be willing to marry her soon. Looking back up into his eyes, she whispered, "I’m pregnant."

John’s expression went blank for a brief instant, trying to decide if she had just said what he thought she did, "Roma, what-?"

"I found out today, Johnny, after I talked to Della. We’re going to have a baby." Her dark eyes sparkled with happy tears as she watched the realization wash over his handsome face.

"A baby? We’re going to have a baby?" A slow smile spread out over his face and his hand instinctively moved her flat stomach, "There’s a little baby in here?"

Roma nodded her head as his eyes widened, "Yes. I had been getting sick, but I thought I was just upset over all that had happened. I made a doctor’s appointment just in case I had the flu or something, but she told me that we’re expecting."

"Oh my angel," John uttered, cupping her face and kissing her over and over again, on her lips, her cheeks, her nose and forehead. This time, his tears came unashamedly, "A baby." He suddenly couldn’t stop looking at her, wondering where all the love that kept growing in his heart could be coming from. It seemed unending.

"This wee one needs to be legitimate, you know," Roma nudged, hoping he understood.

John was unable to help but laugh, "So what you’re saying is that you’ve gone from not wanting to marry me to wanting to marry me tomorrow!" Leaning down, he kissed Roma’s belly, "You’re on borrowed time, little one! We have to plan a wedding and fast!"

"Just a wee small wedding," Roma’s voice was hopeful, "With just our friends and families. No reporters."

"Whatever my angel wants," John replied, moving to sit next to her once again and pulling her into his arms.

Looking up at him, she smiled, "Your angel wants you to know how much she loves you; today and forever, Johnny. I’m going to love being married to you."

Holding her more tightly, he closed his eyes, wondering how every dream he’d ever had could manage to come true in one evening, "Baby, I’ve been married to you in my heart since I first set eyes on you. It’ll be nice to make it official." Gazing down at her, he stated solemnly, "I am going to make you so happy, angel. I promise you."

"You already are, John. You already are."