The only significant thing that happened that day was that I realized I was a lesbian. This actually had little importance in my life because in the next day I realized I was wrong.
I should not have said that it was the only important thing that happened that beautiful day because that was truly the day that my life started. I did not know this at the time but it happened.
I have always been sitting on the brink of insanity. My therapist and mother tell me this is not true, maybe there right. When I was a child I use to imagine my self places attempt to fool my mind, but I was always thwarted by the chalk blanket otherwise known as reality. Fortunately I never discovered how fruitless my dreams of magic would turn out to be.
I was sixteen when I first uncovered the charms of marijuana. I freaked out and ran mad. But only for an instant when I found my mind again. I decided flying was not for me. But I still did it again. And again. And whoops again. Until I realized where I was located on the brink. The chain that is my sanity. They say its solid. Maybe it is.
It was on this day. This day that I have already told you about, I mean about the consequence of, that I first meet my lover.
I will not tell you about him now. Just keep a heads up for mention of him because later, not now, you will realize his importance. His beautifully deadly importance. That I do not now know or understand. It is only because ninety percent of the time that he was important I did not know him or know of his existence.
But what I want to occupy your time with. And truly talk about is cottonmouth. A dry desert within you. No...how about dry deserts in general. I have never been to a dry desert. But I imagine them to be a quiet beauty-consuming cesspool of heat. Radiating magic. The moment you step into it's grandmother clutches you hear a crackle and marinate in the vast cave of the spirit. Once someone told me I reminded her of a desert. I didn't believe her until now. Now, when I see myself clearly and understand the world around me.
My eyes are round and my lips are piercing like a hawks. This is why I am like the desert. I fly.
My love came in a bottle. Not like a genie and defiantly not like Christina Agulara. But he came in a bottle and rested on my knee. He held me awkwardly and made me feel big. I discovered my hulking size when he did it.
Now on the subject of my rather uneventful yet significant day I will tell you exactly what happened. I woke up, this is not unusual for me, but today I woke up thinking that something was completely different. Then I discovered that I was a lesbian (I already told you how insignificant this discovery was because my later discovery of its falsehood, but all the same it was at the time earth shaking). I got out of bed and put my clothes on. This part is pretty uneventful so I'll fast-forward to the part where my day changed from its normalcy. I was sitting in my car smoking one of my tri-daily cigarettes. I was on the way to pick up my younger sister, but decided that marinating her in my rather discusting habbit, or more fixation was cruel, so I pulled onto a side street and smoked with my head outside the window. I laid across the top of my car like a limp noodle; staring at my distorting face from my side mirror. Maybe this moment wasn't important. But somehow from some miracle someone talked to me. It was an overripe woman with a haircut alike to a bowl. She was walking with a dog (I will not specify the type because I do not completely recall). She asked me for the time. I struggled with my overwhelming temptation to tell her my random stream of thoughts. I told her it was four twenty three. She was about to leave when I asked her how she was doing. She was taken aback. I don't think she knew how to answer the question. She looked at me blankly in my car. Maybe it was my age. Maybe it was because it does not go along with the patterns of society to ask how a random someone is doing while sitting in you car. Especially when you?re a eighteen year old girl talking to a forty year old woman. Maybe it was because I meant my question whereas no one in her life had ever asked and meant that question before. She stared at me, I believe she half didn?t know the answer, maybe she knew how she was doing before I had asked her, but now. Now that I, a normal kid asked how she was doing she no longer knew.
By the way, this woman is not the lover I have previously mentioned.
She stared at me for what seemed an eternity (it must have been a two seconds) and then after evaluating my character, assessing my lack of social normalcy as an "out of the ordinary kid" she smiled at me. And she uttered the word fine. And left.
This interlude would not have been important if what had happened after hadn't happened.
I wassn't living. not at that point. more of a suido living, a quiet impenitrable existance, i never quaked or shaked or understood everything. but then some how he was beside me, he whispered "give up this superfiscial existance."
and i choose to.
thats when i left the mind that held me back. it wassn't the world that held me, but my ideas of it. my perspective, that says, 'a trees a tree, a buildings a building. a tears a tear.'
he gave me his hand and excorted me to the desert of the mind.
where i went then i cannot recall, i wouldnt tell if i did. but i went somewhere. i watched that which i did not understand expcepting that i could not understand it. i was in a quiet screaming world. and i think he was beside me holding my hand, not like a hand but the leash by which one saves ones life by pulling them over a cliff.
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