Day 1: March 22
Hey peeps
This is it! Today I've been to a new doctor. Quite a shock! I've been to a number of doctors before (though I must admit that it's been a while since my last visit) and they always said "Nothing to worry about, you'll grow out of it." But not this one. Hell no. She looked at me after she had asked me to undress, and said "This is bad. Really serious. Why haven't they ever given you any pills?" We discussed my case for about an hour and agreed that Roaccutane in combination with the Diane-35 was the only option I had left. My mum went crazy. Totally worried, when she heard about the side-effects and how serious this stuff was. Imagine, they'll have to run quite a few blood test and keep monitoring my liver etc. And, last but not least, keep checking my mental state of health. Because... using Roaccutane may lead to a serious depression and suicide. And that, my dear, is why I am keeping this diary. Let's be honest here: I am feeling like the ugliest girl in the world. I feel totaly mutilated. If you could only see the horrible scars on my back and my chest. Even my parents had to admit that they had never known that it was so bad. And when the doctor said the scars where probably "permanent" I freaked out. To me it meant I would have to spend the rest of my life locked up inside my house. I would never find a boyfriend, I would never be able to wear a bathing suit again. I felt disgusting. I hated my body and I still do, I feel like a freak. That's why something has to change. That's why I've decided to start using Roaccutane.
So what is going to change for me?
Well, I can't drink any alcohol anymore, eat chocolate or anything else that's bad for the liver, I can't go out in the sun, can't smoke, can't practise sports, can't have sex, can't use vitamins or any
other type of medication...
So what are the do's? Use lots and lots of lip balm, use my contraceptives and don't ever forget to take my roaccutane (so I take one contraceptive pill, one 10mg Roa pill, and one 20mg Roa pill each day). And I will have to have my blood checked every month and visit my doctor to see how I'm doing (both mentally and physically).
Boy, am I scared. I'll start taking my Diane as soon as my period starts (i.e. very soon), then I'll wait another week and start using the Roaccutane. Please please please... let's hope this doesn't go wrong...
Day 2: March 23
Heya
Ok, today is just horrible. My dad made a stupid remark that really hurt. My brother was talking about some disgusting skin problem, and my dad said "Guess you haven't seen your sister's back yet." And he laughed, but it was so not funny! I nearly cried... I feel so disgusting and I don't even want to show myself anymore. Things get even worse: today I have this big reunion-thing going on. And, yes of course, I feel like shit and I look like shit. All those people are going to think "hell, what happened to her?" I still haven't had my period, so I'm not taking any pills yet. And yet I am already feeling so depressed. I checked out a few more sites on Accutane, they were al talking about the horrible side-effects and how my face will be completedly covered with blemishes and stuff in the next few months. My god, I feel like such a monster. What if this just won't go away? What if my scars worsen, my skin dries out, my hair starts to fall,... Can I really handle that? Maybe I should just give it all up. What if this was just meant to be? What if I'm to spend the rest of my life feeling like an ugly freak.
What guy is ever going to look at me? Truth is, I don't even want to go to class anymore. I don't want my fellow students to look at me. And I'm in love with this guy, really cute one. I just don't want him to see me like this. I don't think I want anyone to see me. Is this ever going to change? I feel like a fucking monster. And why am I not having my period? When you want it to happen, it just won't I guess. Hell, I don't even feel like getting dressed today. And I don't want to talk to anyone. My life is just one big mess. All I want to do is sleep and cry. What am I supposed to do..?
Day 3: March 24
I'm so fucking scared!!! I've been reading these horrible stories on the iternet about people losing their hair forever, remaining depressed, getting cancer... I'm seriously thinking about getting out. These scars really aren't worth it! After all, I don't suffer from severe acne, my derm just wants to help me get rid of the (yes indeed: atrocious) scars on my back and chest. Boy am I scared... But what the hell am I supposed to do now? Sure I can decide not to do this cure, but this means my scars are forever (and frankly, I don't see how anyone could ever make love to someone with this kind of horrible scars). But on the other hand... is it really worth it? Damn, I'm so confused. Maybe I should just talk to my derm again. I'm so nervous I can't even get my work done, I'm constantly thinking about this stuff. Anayway, tomorrow I'm taking my blood test. And I'm still waiting for my period to begin... God I hate the waiting.
Good luck to all of you.
