Episode 1: Bill at The Plant

The Series about Bill the Semi-Heroic and Slightly Unethical

Bill is a bit of an iconoclast; rather, he is unique. He has certain tendencies that while they do get him into trouble, they also get him and the rest of the world out of it.

Bill has been recently hired at a Nuclear Power Plant in the small town of Alaska, Texas. A small town, the power plant has often been a target of villains for easy plutonium. But Bill is here, as the new operator and security guard and weekend janitor. These jobs he performed well, with the possible exception of being a janitor. He tended to sweep the crumbs into the reactor, which was quite illegal; plus it had the not quite so bad effect of poisoning the town somehow. They just bought new citizens when that happened, and California always provided a fresh supply of stupid, cheap people.

As he walked to work one day, a rattlesnake began barking at him. Startled, Bill pulled an Uzi and began firing wildly. He shot up the snake pretty damn bad, and it would be messy to clean it up. So he just left it on the parking lot at the plant where he had found it.

At the beginning of each day, including off days, Bill went in and tried all the switches and buttons, then quickly reversed the procedure. He did this quietly, as that wasnt really the proper procedure at all. It wasnt even legal, really. Once when a guy came in and forced Bill to stop the procedure for a while, it almost touched off another meltdown. That would be a nasty reprimand on the record.

As he passed the security checkpoint, a guard asked for ID. Bill always repliedd with Uzi bursts blasting off the guys hat. "Hey Bob" was what he said right after nowadays. Once Bill's aim was off. Bill missed Jim terribly.

Bill loved his job. Pressing the shiny red buttons was fun. But it was mostly automated, so he spent a disproportionate amount of time in the bathroom flushing bits of plutonium down the toilet to poison the townspeople. Bill didnt like stupid people and if he was feeling particularly bored he would flush his bullets; for as we all know, lead poisoning is faster than radiation poisoning from plutonium chips. When Bill was eventually questioned about his "excessive abuse of restroom privileges", Bill calmly told them that it was Truamatic-Stress-Boredom-Syndrome and proceded to shoot up all of the toilets in the building. Then someone asked Bill why it took 5 hours for him to masturbate. Bill didnt like that. He shoved the poor guys face down "Old Greenie", Bill's favorite and most used toilet for irradiating the town. With his nose permanently grown to 5 times its original size, that poor guy never scored again, and indeed had to also be questioned why he spent 5 hours a day in the bathroom also. (in a different bathroom of course. pervert...)

Nobody asked Bill about his bathroom use again.

One day Bob came running down the hall, saying "There's two wackos up on the roof. They look stupid."

Bill thought "Not more morons from town. Ill have to poison them more than usual today."

But when he got there, he found Mario the Fatass and Luigi the Crackass. They were wearing their usual overalls, and Bill could see that they were holding two things; a big brown sack, and a big lead box.

"Who are you?"

"We're the Mario Brothers."

"If only one of you has the name Mario, why are you called the Mario brothers?"

"Cause Crackass boy lost a coin toss"

"Whats in the sack?"

"See we rescued the Princess, but she wanted to go home first, so were kidnapping her and we - scuse me, I- am going to get her drunk and finally get it!"

"What about the lead box?

"Oh thats just Plutonium we stole from here."

"I cant let you do that."

"I dont care."

Mario then pulled down his pants and mooned Bill. Bill was temporarily blinded and began shooting in Marios direction.

Mario promptly pulled up his pants after yelling "ow!"

"Those damn things sting!"

"Why arent you dead?"

"Bulletproof flubber. Works like a charm. I have - hey!"

Luigi was running off with the princess.

"Damn. Cant catch Luigi with this. Uh, I forfeit. But could you do me a favor? Could you shoot Luigi so I can get the princess?"

"Sure, why not? " bangbangbang "See you later."

"Uh-huh. Ohh, someting i was supposed to say. Oh yeah! Nintendo will be back someday!"

Next day, Bill awakened to a fresh day. He decided he would spend it with Old Greenie. He knew this was only the beginning...

...of a nice, long dump...

The End

Continued in Episode 2: The Speed of... Speed!