Episode Ten: Damn Dirty French

In the Nearingly Completed Series about Bill the Semi-Heroic and Slightly Unethical

Who the hell would give the French nukes?

May 11, 2006

Bill’s grandfather had served in World War II. The last time he had spoken to Bill, he said things were rushing to another war. The only question was who would be the combatants? The news quickly resolved that question.

“War has just been declared on the Soviet Union. Here is the footage from the U.N.”

“We, the Soviet Union, will not stand for this. We declare war on all former NATO countries, and their allies.”

“But I thought the Soviet Union had been dissolved!”

“Hahahaha, that is what we wanted you to think!”

“We repeat, we are at war with the Soviet Union and it’s allies.”

Bill’s phone began to ring. He picked it up.

“Bill? This is Fred, the Alamukon manager.”

As far as Bill could recall Alamukon was too small to have a manager. Alamukon had consisted of three junior technicians, who almost never did anything besides have sex in the “library” (a loose term for the file and technical document storage), Bob the security guard (except for the time before 1994, when it was Jim the security guard [deceased from Uzi accident]), and then Bill the ‘senior’ engineer. It was mostly automated, and the plant was far too small for many people to know it even existed.

So who was this new manager?

“The military is at Defcon-1. (the highest level of alert in the United States Armed Forces.) We need the plant to activate the plutonium-converter to begin producing weapons-grade plutonium. We need you to supervise activation, and to bring the plant up to standby to prepare for 100% power. We will be hosting a temporary base out here, and they will need all the power they can get.”

"Very well."

"Ahem."

"..sir."

Bill never had really liked the people from the military. Every year they came out for an inspection, and they always insisted on seeing all of his secret stashes of contraband.

Bill was at the plant. A fresh batch of plutonium was just completed, ready for nuclear annihilation. Then he heard a noise. Security had not been increased despite Bill's warnings.

"ID, please."

"We are French Special Services. Drop your weapon."

"Why do you need my pants down?"

"NOT YOUR PANTS! Aggh, you dirty old man, what in blazes do you think you are doing?"

"My weapon was in my pocket. It's hard to lift it."

"Very well. Where are your plutonium storage areas?"

"Bill can show you. I'll call him."

Bill unexpectedly came around the corner, Uzi drawn.

"Now what the hell is going on here?"

"French Special Services. We are here for your plutonium."

"You aren't authorized. I refuse your demand."

"We shall kill you!"

"Like hell you will."

"Damn straight!"

"What?"

"You said we would kill you like hell, and we agree."

"No, it's a figure of speech. In the English language, the term 'like hell' is often employed to convey a sense of doubtfulness…"

"SHUT UP! Give us plutonium or we kill you now!"

Bill simply opened fire. However, some soldiers dodged the bullets, and returned fire. Bill ran back around the corner, towards the reactor core. He had a plan.

The Frenchmen ran into the core control room. Bill was sitting there, with a big sign around his neck.

***********************

* KILL ME AND *

* WE ALL *

* DIE *
***********************

"Aw, shit, he has the reactor rigged to blow if we kill him."

Bill casually rotated in his chair and shot them all.

"Not really."

Bill noticed that one of them had died giving Bill the digital salute. Bill returned the digital salute. Then he went to the manager's office. He found the manager dead in his chair, with a cyanide capsule in his mouth.

Bill called the military.

"This is General Draper."

"Sir, Senior Engineer, Janitor, and Guard of Alamukon plant reporting."

"Ok, son. Give us what you got."

"Sir, those damn dirty French attacked the plant. I request military support to help defend it."

"It'll take us a few weeks to get any equipment out there. We are aware of the large quantities of weapons you have. I recommend you take all of them to Alamukon, and we can spare a few National Guardsmen. They wont be able to arrive for a few days."

"Can you give me any air support?"

"Afraid not. Good luck."

May 12, 2006

9:00 AM

Bill had all of his weapons at the plant. He now carried his Demolecularizer around at all times. The lab techies kept the systems working, so the automation did all of the work. Then he spotted something on the horizon.

It was a tank. A big one. It had French markings, and it had it's guns trained on the plant. Bill rushed to his car, and raced toward the tank.

As he approached, he fired his Molotov Cocktail launchers in an effort to slow him down. Then he readied his missiles. He fired them, and they hit. He then detected troops headed for the plant. He raced back as fast as his car would go.

As he pulled into the parking lot, he fired his attack lions at the troops. As they mauled quite a few troops, Bill readied the new automatic defense system he had just installed. Then he started shooting.

2:00 PM

It was particularly nasty fighting. Bill had finally run out of ammunition for all of his turrets when he finally surrendered.

"You will take us to the reactor core."

Bill took them to the reactor core, where he was told to prepare to ship out all of the weapons grade plutonium. Bill pushed some buttons, and the doors to the plutonium vault opened up. Bill barely heard crashing sounds, like a crazy driver was out there. He knew who it was. The radio crackled to life. The french corporal heard it, and then started shouting.

Toonses then crashed through the door, at which the French promptly opened fire. Toonses looked like he was going to get killed as the bullets started cracking the bulletproof windshield, when Bill released the attack rabbits. They were vicious, and only responded to Bill's command.

The plant had finally been cleared out. Bill assigned rabbits to guard the plant at key locations. They were fearless, and had been told to kill all the French who invade the plant.

Bill decided to call General Draper again.

"Sir those damn dirty French attacked again!"

"What… oh, that's the least of our problems. The French are conducting a limited nuclear strike on our military targets. We are retaliating, of course."

"Is this plant one of the targets?"

"No, fortunately. We are sending a lot of troops out your way."

"I wont be needed then, sir. I have a cunning plan…"

May 15, 2006

Bill had finally snuck close enough to Paris to see the place where the French president lived. He approached, determined to end this war that had cost the lives of 2 Americans, 23 rabbits, and an assorted dozen of donuts. Oh yeah, and all those Frenchmen.

He approached the place where the president lived. He readied his Uzi, and went inside. He silently shot the guards, leaving little evidence he had been there. He went into the office of the place where the French president lived, in hopes of finding him. He went in, and found some ducks discussing the situation.

"I should have expected ducks to be in charge of this little operation!"

"He's discovered us! Quick, ducks, to the Quackmobile!"

"Goddamnit it doesn’t exist! Would you please stop fantasizing!"

"Look whos talking, you thought we could launch an invasion of Twinkies!"

Bill heard a familiar car pull up, and ran for the woods.

"Hey, look, we scared him off!"

"Hey, let's get into the Quackmobile™ anyway!"

"Will you please shut up about that!"

AAARRRRRRRRRRRRRR!!!!!!!!

Bastard Campy blew through the door and blasted up all the ducks with his new QuackQuack gun; it was an automatic shotgun that fired 120 shells a minute. The ducks were quickly dispatched, except for one who ran off yelling "To the Quackmobile, quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack"

As Bill drove down the highway towards the Atlantic bridge, he wondered if Campy would manage to get all the ducks. He thought he heard quacking, and when he looked there was quacking.

The Quackmobile was right beside his car. Bill hit the brakes, and fired off a Molotov Cocktail. The Quackmobile exploded into flames.

"QUACK, the Quackmobile will be all right, it has to be, quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack"

The Quackmobile continued on. Bill fired a missile, and the Quackmobile was blasted upward, still intact, just as it fired its jet engines. It went flying for quite a ways.

"QUACK QUACK QUACK QUACK quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack…"

And the duck was never heard from again, except at Mir every Christmas time.

Bill was just happy to be getting home again. However, while he was away the French nuked his town.

"GODDAMNIT WHAT THE HELL HAVE THOSE DAMN CALIFORNIANS DONE NOW????"

The series finale shall be Episode 12. Episode 11 will be a prelude. For now, though, on to

The Time Travel Trilogy!

In an Aside to The Continuing Series of Bill the Semi Heroic and Slightly Unethical.