Episode Eleven: Hooray for Hentai!!!

In the Ever-Renewable Series of Bill the Semi-heroic and Slightly Unethical

Bill the SHASUs series being renewed, Bill decided to go to the most cracked out place in the 8736734917864 corners of the 7^th creation: Toontown. (for those who don’t know, watch Who Framed Roger Rabbit. Itll do some good.) It was located in California (perhaps 2^nd most cracked out place…)

Toontown was closed. And Bill was disappointed; he was hoping for a real crack out time. After battling canardian (pertaining to ducks, not pertaining to Canadians) French soldiers, he wanted to relax. But Toontown was closed. But there was some fine print:

Toontown closed under order of Janet Reno.

“I see Reno is still in power. Where else could I go?”

Bill decided to call Bastard Campy.

“wh… who is this? hold on… YO, SHUT UP! IT’S THE CRACK DEALER!!! so, how much this month?”

“Oh, only $452.67. But that’s not why Im calling. Where can I find a really cracked out place?”

“uh… burp… ya tried Toontown?” “Closed” “damn. what the fuck is this world comin to? ah, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh…”

“Are you ok?”

“Oh! im just getting a massage, sorry. Why dontcha try Japan? They got everything?”

Bill of course had nothing better to do, so he made the arrangements. He installed his Global Translator (for he didn’t speak much japanese), and also the Sub-Orbital Booster Rockets on his car. This would be an excellent time to test them, and it was his vacation, after all. No reason not to. He locked in the coordinates for Tokyo.

1 hour later, Bill was refueling, after having landed in Tokyo, BRAZIL. He reentered the coordinates and took off again.

2 hours later, Bill was swearing like a chicken in KFC, for he had landed in Tokyo, IRAQ.

Another two hours, and Bill was finally in Tokyo, Japan. However, the coordinates for Tokyo were for the exact center of Tokyo. Bill found himself parked on the roof of a skyscraper. Bill found a way down, though. He never knew that Japanese people swore so much when you drove your cars down the stairway. The translator couldn’t quite figure out what that old lady had said, but he felt certain it was in reference to his genetic lineage.

On the streets of Tokyo (at midnight), Bill found himself overwhelmed by everything around him. The flashing lights, the continuous sounds… it was too much. Bill found himself wracked in seizures. A little later, he had almost regained control, when a final jerk of the knee hit a big, red, shiny button.

It was the “Fire All Weapons” button.

30 seconds later, Bill found himself in the middle of massive destruction and chaos. He reflected that he never should have taken Bastard Campys advice. He was a former archenemy, after all. But that was irrelevant. He found himself being taken to jail.

Bill sat in jail watching TV. The news was on.

“At approximately midnight tonight, a criminal rampaged through the city, committing several crimes, including property damage (“pfft, common” said Bill), endangerment of lives (what else is new?), traffic violations (who isnt guilty?), and wanton destruction. (Kid stuff!) Here is a photo of the criminal (Sweet! It’s me! aww, but they left out the best ones. Its not even a good photo…) This has caused an international incident (yes! ive been after that on my resume for a while!) and investigations are continuing.”

Meanwhile, at the White House:

A sinister, masculine face, outlined in shadows, pulled at a cigarette. Think of her as Cancer Woman, like that guy from X-Files.

“We’ve been after Microsoft for quite some time, but they’ve brought in some new evidence. We may lose the case. (puff) I cant let that happen. If youll drop the ‘international incident’ thing, (puff) we’ll give you microsoft.”

“I have been authorized by my govt. to accept your offer. When can we expect delievry?”

“As soon as we can clear the paperwork to have the hit put on Mr. Gates.”

The Japanese diplomat grumbled to himself. (“thatll be a few decades….”)

Back to Bill…

After being released, Bill asked directions and found Japanese Toontown. He instantly was slowed down to approximately 5 frames per minute (movies usually go at about 30 frames per second.) and he found the background was just a scrolling piece of artwork.

“Bloody hell,” thought Bill, “I didn’t know I was gonna become part of Toontown… what’s that noise?”

He looked up to see a Giant Death Killer Robot with Flashy Seizure Lasers coming straight at him. Bill was frightened to say the least. He jumped in the air about 100 feet. Literally. Then he found himself back on the ground, without any broken bones.

“This” Bill said to himself, “is a grievous violation of the laws of physics. I should notify the Physics Police at once!” Sadly, he found that all Toontown territory was out of Physics Police jurisdiction. And the Giant Death Killer Robot with Flashy Seizure Lasers was still after him.

Getting quite frustrated, Bill pulled out two Uzis and unloaded all of his ammo on the Giant Death Killer Robot with Flashy Seizure Lasers. It wasn’t harmed a bit.

“DIE, DAMN YOU, DIE!!!” Bill then threw a stick at the Giant Death Killer Robot with Flashy Seizure Lasers. It promptly exploded. Rather explosively. Apparently sticks were almighty here. Bill grinned.

That was when the evil Team Rocket (from Episode 4: Rocket In His Pocket) showed up.

“What the hell? I KILLED YOU BASTARDS ALREADY!!!”

They were promptly confused into total psychosis.

“What do you mean, dead? We seem alive to us!”

“Maybe that’s what ghosts feel like!”

“Wouldn’t we remember being killed?”

“Have you been killed before? Do you know what being killed is like? I DIDN’T THINK SO!!!”

“I know how to settle this! We kill each other, then we KNOW that we’re dead. Good plan?”

“GOOD PLAN!” they all chimed in! Then they promptly killed themselves.

Bill stared at what he caused. Then he burst out laughing. He found it hilarious. He was happy that that relatively crappy episode had positive side effects.

Later, Bill found something that his translator said was a “red light district”. Having very little experience with big cities, he decided to go in. Red was a nice enough color. (except for being on those damnable stop signs…)

An hour later, Bill walked out with slime covering his entire body. His clothes were half ripped off. His eyes were about two feet wide.

“I wonder about a society that frowns on the fact that Americans are so immoral and then make films where animated monsters rape women for an hour. And then they wonder why they got their asses handed to them in World War II.” Bill muttered in stupor.

(Sadly, I cannot take credit for the above paragraph in italics. If you want the source, or if you wrote it and want credit listed here, feel free to contact me. And by the way, that is the closest to hentai you will get in this story. You can find plenty on the internet. Trust me.)

Bill snapped out of his stupor and stood for a few seconds. Then he screamed.

“This slime is disgusting!!!”

“Tastes like strawberries, though.” said a passerby.

“I wouldn’t know…” muttered Bill, with a note of annoyance in his voice.

“I would!” said the passerby with a tone of enthusiasm that sent Bill screaming again.

“DAMNIT,” shouted Bill, “I AM BILL THE SEMI-HEROIC AND SLIGHTLY UNETHICAL, NOT COMPLETELY CORRUPT!!!!!!!!!!” With that, Bill hopped in his car, and raced for home as fast as he could. There he took a shower for a day and slept for a week. When he returned to work, he again greeted Bob with a hail of bullets to his hat.

“Have a good time in Toontown?”

“It was… scary. I got me a whuppin stick though.”

“I want to see me that hentailand though. They say the slimy stuff tastes like strawberries.”

Bill considered aiming a little lower than Bob’s hat and firing again, but instead decided to poison the town more than usual. “Bloody hell,” thought Bill, “it’s always the Californians fault…”

The series continues in Episode Twelve: To Russia With Money

In the Continuing Series of Bill the Semi-Heroic and Slightly Unethical