Episode Two: The Speed of… Speed!

The Continuing Series of Bill the Semi-Heroic and Slightly Unethical

Bill tends to get himself into and out of trouble as often as a President from Arkansas…

19 99

Another ho-hum day. The nuclear power plant at Alaska, Texas was a boring one. Too automated for Bill's taste. Bill got tired of poisoning the town through the bathrooms. Actually it was more of a 'quit doing that or we have to fire you because it's the law' thing, and there was nothing else he really enjoyed doing in the bathroom, so he started to read.

Too bad he forgot a book. Fortunately the plant had a small library of books. Too bad they were all about the wonders of drugs. He was afraid if he started to read them he would want to use drugs. He thought about setting a fire, but he thought "too smoky". He wondered about breaking the plant and then being able to fix it but he said "too risky". Then he wondered what it would be like to have some more of his crazy adventures. He had only had one so far , five years ago, but it was a pretty damn good one at that.

Once again, Bob the security guard walks in. "There's a crazy guy up on the roof who's on some drugs."

"Not the Californians again!" muttered Bill. The nearby town was populated with stupid people, mostly bought cheap from California. Lately there were questions about the legality and such, and it was hard to find new residents when all the previous ones are gone because of poisoning from the nuke plant. But they had problems from the people because they were so stupid.

Bill quietly reached inside his coat and readied his Uzi. He carried and used it at the most inappropriate times. This he enjoyed to no end, and he was looking forward to some roof exterminating.

When he got up there he found Sonic the Hedgehog. An old video-game character past his prime, he had become addicted to amphetamines when his salary got down to $25 a year. He seemed to be high right now.

"What do you want? We don’t carry drugs, that's on Fifth and Bard Avenue."

"Not here for drugs. For rocks. Glowy rocks, yes. Got any, huh?"

"How about fast rocks?"

"Fast good. Yyyeeessss…."

Bill pulled his Uzi and began firing. The "fast rocks" were very fast, but Sonic still had a little of the good stuff left in him. Either that or it was a random drug seizure. Probably the latter, but in any case he still dodged the bullets.

"Those rockss bad. Yeesss… Give me the glowy rocks…"

"Bob, I need some help."

Bob was kind of… elderly. He was on the way though and just as he popped up, he fired.

Bang. Bang. Bang. Bang.

Sadly, the kick was too much for Bob and he fell flat on his ass. Unfortunately he was standing on the ladder, so he fell about fifteen feet. That would be an expensive janitor bill.

Sonic became enraged. He charged at Bill, but tripped and fell down the ladder through the roof too. He quickly ran for the bathroom.

Bill ran after him. Sonic was in the bathroom.

"Who are you working for?"

"Eeehhh, Sega mans corporateion."

"Why do they want the glowy rocks?"

"Dunno. Where are they???"

Sonic probably thought Old Greenie had the rocks. Bill didn’t like this. It was going to get uglier and uglier. He was thinking of the janitorial bill.

"You have 30 seconds to surrender."

"Can you give me two minutes?"

"Fine."

Two minutes passed, and Bill opened fire. When he burst in, he found Sonic, shot on the pot. He was inspired to write a song about it:

Shot on The Pot

By Bill Christy

Shot on the Pot,

He was truly on the Speed.

It shuffled his cards,

and it cut him with shards,

but he enjoyed it to the Pot.

Shot on the Pot,

He was truly filled with Greed.

You pitied him,

Like I pitied Jim,

but he liked it to the Pot.

Shot on the Pot,

It was his final deed.

He asked for more time,

And so I said fine;

But he took too long,

So I write this song,

Sonic Got Shot On The Pot.

"Hey, I'm not dead!"

"Never said you were. Take him away, boys!"

And so Sonic was carried off, asking the questions: Where did the cops come from? Where did they hide the 'glowy rocks' inside Old Greenie? And why was Bill talking like that?

All these questions, and more, won't be explained in the next episode:

Episode 3: Night of The Turnip

In The Continuing Series of Bill The Semi-Heroic and Slightly Unethical