Episode Five: Pik-achoo!

In the Continuing Series of Bill The Semi-Heroic and Slightly Unethical

A guy walks into the IRS dragging a dead penguin behind him…

Today was a good day. Today, they were buying new citizens from California. It would be a happy day, for the town of Alaska, Texas was very cut off from the world. Bill learned that disco had been dead for years in 1997. That day was ok,as he was tiring of it anyway. But today he would learn what new craze was sweeping the nation today. It would then be fun to blame the new craze for the poison he put in the town’s water. But that was later. He was driving very fast. Fast enough so that the cops could’nt catch him.

He rolled up to the train station. Today was a big day, so they were planning to roll out the blue carpet. It, and the yellow carpet, were all that they could afford. The clerk there was startled when the phone rang. At first he thought it might be a fire alarm. But he came to his senses and answered it. After a brief conversation, he announced that the yellow carpet would be rolled out. Bill thought this strange, but he gave no more mind to it; for he had better things to do.

The train was late. Bill decided he could quench his curiosity later (with booze) and he would prefer to wait at home for his new satellite dish rather than wait for some stupid people. When Bill got home he found his satellite dish all unpacked and installed. As he was marveling at the wonderful service, he got a call from Bob the elderly security guard.

“Bill, you best come down here, there’s a few visitors.”

“Sigh. How many, Bob?”

“Uh…uh… three.”

Bob had poor vision. He saw things in triple,and it took Bill 4 hours to explain that he was only one person. Thus three in this case equals one.

“I’ll be right down.”

I suppose “Baywatch” can wait… thought Bill.

Bill raced towards the plant at record speed. Literally. It was the fastest a Delorean had ever been driven before. He pulled up, and walked in.

“ID, please.”

Uzi blasts tore off Bob’s hat.

“Thank you.”

“Who’s the visitor, Bob? Where is he?”

“Pi…pi..pikaCHU”

“Gezundheit!”

“Thank you!”

Bill looked down. There standing by his feet was a fuzzy yellow rodent. He thought it might be a cross between a tribble and a Gremlin.

“What in the blazing 80 realmsof hell are you???”

“My name is Pikachu.”

“Gezundheit.”

“No, my name is Pikachu.”

“Gezundheit. That’s a nasty sneeze there, little guy.”

“GODDAMNIT, IM NOT SNEEZING, MY NAME IS PIKACHU!!!!!!!!!!!”

He could make himself be heard effectively.

Bill took him on the full tour. He showed him the reactor, the restroom, and the cooling facility, among other places.

“That was fun. Maybe I’ll come back to watch you work.”

“Uhhh… ok!”

Bill hoped not. He would have to just sit at his console all day long, doing nothing, instead of poisoning the townsfolk with plutonium and lead. He went home. Pikachu stayed behind to talk with Bob.

At home, Bill was watching a thrilling episode of “Baywatch”. He noticed that Pikachu was in an abnormallly high number of commercials. Those that had no satellite dish were begging to see his show. So he decided to see whay it was all about. Instantly people were latched on to his windows.

As the show started, an alarm sounded.

“WARNING SUBLIMINAL MESSAGING DETECTED. STAND CLEAR OF TV”

BOOM And the TV was destroyed with a high explosive charge. Then, almost instantly, the people outside began rioting. Bill activated his home security system, and vicious attack dogs began to chase people off the property. Bill realised what was going on.

“I have to stop him!”

Bill found Pikachu on the roof holding a box of plutonium. He was muttering.

“C’mon, morons, hurry up with the helicopter.”

“Put the plutonium down and back away!”

“Take this!”

A bolt of lightning came from the fuzzy bastard and hit Bill. It tingled.

“What the hell was that?”

“I’m sorry, im used to big special effects.”

“I’m not!”

Bill shot Pikachu up with the Uzi pretty damn bad. Blood was spurting out, and his fuzzy little torso was caved in. Bill ran out of bullets.

“You can’t kill me!”

“Because you’re already dead?”

“No, silly. Because I made lots of clones of myself!”

a pikachu appeared. Then another, and another. Thousands began to swarm the roof. Bill ran and raced home, again at record speed. He was chased by the pikachu. They stole Bob’s car. Bill used the lions on the pikachu who stayed at the plant, but they overwhelmed the lions and tore them apart with sharp claws. When Bill got home he put his home security system to full power. Automated turrets sprang out of the ground and slaughtered thousands of pikachu.

The security system was out of ammo. It retracted the turrets and there were still hundreds of pikachu waiting to attack. Then Bill came out with a big-ass chaingun.

“You’re dead. Live with it.”

What Bill forgot to think about was that big-ass chainguns like that tend to have huge kicks. He went flying all about, spraying bullets everywhere. It was funny. Pikachu were slipping about on the blood of their comrades. Bill would have laughed maniacally were he not 20 feet in the air. He ran out of ammo just as he managed to set himself down. He ran inside. He ran for his bedroom,and started to prepare his ‘Hunter’ Demolecularizer MK IV, when a Pikachu found him. Bill took a pillow and began to smother it. But then it started jiggling its fuzzy flesh and Bill realised it was going to explode. He grabbed his ‘Hunter’ and ran for the door. A resounding explosion rocked the house and threw Bill down the stairs. Down into the basement, where Bill had his small nuclear reactor that he used for heating. They were trying to get the plutonium out of it.

“NO GODDAMNIT NO MORE PLUTONIUM FOR YOU FUZZY SOFT CUTE YELLOW HUGGABLE BASTARDS!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

He opened fire with his ‘Hunter’. The pikachu were disintegrated very quickly, and their charred skeletal remains gave a stench to the air that many war heroes often reported after heavy battles. Bill emptied the power pack just as he was about to kill the last one. It flew at him, teeth bared, ready to bite Bill’s neck. But Bill jumped out of the way, and the Pikachu landed in the lead box Bill used for transporting plutonium. Bill quickly locked it, and left. He would dispose of the box later.

Bill reloaded his Uzi, since he kept bullets everywhere in his house. He took a few clips also, as he didn’t know how big a battle this would be. He walked upstairs, and was about to start firing when he noticed there was nothing to shoot at. He looked outside and saw a big dirigible floating about a hundred meters from his house. He ran outside, and using a pair of binoculars from his house, he saw that it carried a big invasion force. They were heading toward the power plant.

Unfortunately, Bill’s Uzi was unreliable at this range. He didn’t want to waste ammo, so he immediately set off for the nuclear power plant. He got there, and waited.

Three weeks later…

After calculating the amount of time it would take for the dirigible to get to Alamukon, he went home and waited for two and a half weeks. He took a lot of food to last him a few days. He finally saw the big dirigible lumbering towards the plant. It had been rigged with a plasma beam cutter, apparently for cutting directly into the plutonium storage room. They didn’t want to waste time, apparently. Bill then saw massive plates of armor on the huge aircraft. His bullets wouldn’t penetrate that. But Bill was struck with inspiration. He had a SAM, Surface to Air Missile, installed in the trunk of his car. He went to his car, and activated the missile rack. The lock was acquired, and he fired.

BOOM!!

The missile struck the dirigible near the nose, and at once the mighty vessel began to crumple. The hydrogen gas apparently used in the dirigible burst into flame, and it slowly began to crash to the ground. Bill didn't find this fast enough; there was too much possibility of the crew escaping alive. So he fired again. This one hit amidships, and the dirigible broke apart. It crashed swiftly toward the ground now, and the fuel for powering the engines was ignited. The ground shook with another explosion.

Bill went over to investigate the remains of the dirigible. As he poked about he found a nuclear bomb. They were probably going to detonate it in Alaska, Texas; then their tracks would be covered permanently. But it never got that far, and the crash had activated a fifteen minute timer. The nuclear power plant would survive, having been built for such contingencies, but anybody in it would be killed by the heat and radiation; unless they got in the blast shelter. Government officials would rescue them later. But he had to act quickly.

D (detonation) minus 10 minutes 0 seconds… 10:00

Everyone was in the shelter except Bill. He promised everyone he would be down soon. He just had to use the restroom, because the toilet paper was horrible in those damn nuke shelters. Unfortunately, he was having a little constipation.

"Damnation, this is the worst time to be stuck on Old Greenie."

5:00

"Nuts, this is taking forever,"

1:00

Finally, Bill was finished. He ran to the shelter, only to find that it was locked. He had less than 30 seconds left. He ran back to Old Greenie, crammed as much of himself as he could into it, and waited.

When the nuke detonated, it was very loud. And bright. At first Bill thought this would be the end. But then he realized that he was still alive. There was a soft white light around him. Bill didn’t know what this meant. It probably had something to do with all the radiation the toilet had accumulated over the years. Either that or it was a cheesy plot device. The light finally stopped and he found himself on a government transport headed for his house. This was finally going to be over.

As Bill stepped inside, he saw that his house was clean. Not littered with dead pikachu, not scorched from the Demolecularizer, not riddled with bullet holes from the Uzi. The government agents told him quietly what had happened.

“We cant afford this on a national or global scale. That could be just the match needed to blow this out of control. We ask for the security of your nation to keep quiet about this. Oh, and if you’re interested in a job with us, we would be glad to take you on. One more thing; if you’re going to poison the townspeople, could you at least do your own paperwork?”

“I suppose.”

“Thank you.”

So Bill’s ultimate battle (so far) is over. But when will evil rear it’s cute face again? Join us next time, as we actually answer that question, in:

Episode Six: Snowball’s Chance In Hell

In The Ever-Lasting Series of Bill the Semi-Heroic and Slightly Unethical.