Episode Seven: Evil Bill, aka eBill

In the Continuing Series of Bill the Semi-Heroic and Slightly Unethical

There was new stuff on TV. Campy’s Hour, a hilariously psychotic show primarily concerning talking ducks and drunken pigs, had gotten it’s own network. It was now called Campy’s Day, and it was 24 hour. It dealt with a wider variety of topics, including deluded penguins, murderous butterflies, and driving cats. So Bill took a small, portable TV to the nuclear power plant, and spent much of his day watching Campy’s Day. Campy never took a break, so he was starting to look pretty damn weird. Bill wondered how long it would be before Campy would collapse.

Bill was so engrossed in the TV that he didn’t even see the masked man behind him. He slapped Bill across the head with a wet noodle, and Bill was unconscious.

Bill woke up, groggy, and with a headache.

“Don’t you move, or I’ll bop you again.”

It was Bob the security guard.

“Bob what the hell are you doing?”

“Bill, your evil twin has woke up, and he’s in a swearin’ mood today.”

“Excellent.”

It was the evil twin of Bill.

“Bob, I am the good twin.”

“How do I know?”

“Because I said so.”

“Why?”

“What did he use to shoot your hat off?”

“Uh, a revolver.”

“I use an Uzi.”

“By crackey, you’re right!”

Bob pulled his small handgun and began firing at evil Bill. There had been louder cap guns than this pathetic thing. The bullets bounced off eBill’s ribcage, and left Bob sprawled on the floor from the kick.

“Ow” mumbled Bob.

“Those damn things sting Bob. I don’t like stings.”

During most of the conversation and the battle, Bill had been getting out of the ropes that bound him.

“I suppose I shall have to ‘discipline’ you.”

eBill raised his revolver, and prepared to fire at Bob, when Bill with a swift kick knocked the revolver out of eBill’s hands…

…and into Bob’s.

“QUICK BOB SHOOT EBILL!!!”

Bob raised, and fired. The kick broke his arm. The bullet went through eBill, and he slumped.

“You can’t kill me, Bill.”

“Is it because you have made a huge clone army of yourself, and you are plotting to destroy the town and take the plutonium in the process?”

“What the f-…no.”

“Is it because you are already dead and this is your way of striking back from the grave with androids or clones?”

“No.”

“Are you…”

“DAMNATION, I WAS JUST TRYING TO MAKE YOU UNEASY, OK? YOU GOT ME! THE HERO WINS! END OF STORY!”

Bill attended the funeral, and gave the eulogy to the only other attendee; Toonses, the cat who could (and did) drive.

“eBill, you are dead. We do not dispute this. I hope you burn in Hell, a subsidiary of Snowball Corp. In closing, you died. Have a nice day. I will probably have forgotten about you by tonight. Be comforted by this, and the attendance of Toonses, the cat who could drive.”

“Meow. Meowmeow, meeeeeeeeoww, meow…”

“Shut up. Only I say stuff. Have a day, eBill, and don’t spend it all in one place.”

With that they left. Bill drove home, exuberant over his victory; and Toonses, after driving for about thirty seconds, drove off a cliff and completely destroyed the car, in a way only a driving cat could. The cliff hadn’t existed there before, and Toonses somehow survived. Toonses somehow violated the laws of physics wherever he went, but he always survived.

Bill decided to go to eBill’s house. eBill was his next-door neighbor, and it had shocked him that it would come to such a sudden end. Of course, with the size of his property, being the south-side neighbor meant being ten miles away. When he got there, he was planning to take eBill’s weapons. He had some good ones, and it would be cheaper to take these rather than buy new ones. But he found that government agents had already ransacked the place. Then they had apparently fire-bombed it.

Hmmm, thought Bill, Janet Reno must still be Attorney General.

Then Toonses, the cat who could drive, drove up the driveway, nearly hitting Bill.

“I saw the whole damn thing!”

“What happened?”

“I don’t know. Shortly after arriving, I left to inform you, but I drove off another cliff.”

A pause.

“Shut up. Cats don’t talk.”

“But I-“

“SHUT UP! Do you know what happened to the last talking cat I encountered?”

“No.”

“I shot it. With an Uzi.”

Bill neglected to mention that it was because the cat had become involved with an affair with his short-to-be girlfriend.

“Meow.”

“Much better. Why don’t you go off and drive, or something like that?”

“Meowmeow.”

VVRRoooommm….

SCCCREREECHHH CRASH CRASHCRASH KAABBBOOOOOOOOOOOOOMMMMMMM

Bill drove home, unaware of what was to await him, in

Episode Eight: The “Other” Evil Bill

In the continuing series of Bill the Semi-Heroic and Slightly Unethical