Episode Eight: The “Other” Evil Bill

In the Continuing Series of Bill the Semi-Heroic and Slightly Unethical

“And welcome to Campy’s Day. Campy is near death, due to over-exhaustion and…”

Campy’s Day was over. The show was canceled, after it nearly killed him from trying to do a show for 152 consecutive hours. There was talk of restoring the old Campy’s Hour, but it was doubtful Campy would sign back on.

“What a pity about Mr. Campy.” said Bill to himself. Then he heard sirens.

“I wonder who they’re after…”

“THIS IS THE FBI. WE HAVE YOUR HOUSE SURROUNDED. FAILURE TO COMPLY WITH OUR INSTRUCTIONS MAY RESULT IN FIREBOMBING. COMPLIANCE MAY RESULT IN FIREBOMBING.”

“Janet Reno must still be Attorney General…”

“WE HEARD THAT. YES, SHE IS.”

“Thought so.”

“DO NOT ACTIVATE YOUR SECURITY SYSTEM. WE ARE COMING IN WITH A SPECIAL NEGOTIATOR.”

Ding-dong, rang the doorbell.

“Gee, I suppose I will get that.”

Bill opened the door to see… Bill. Bill Clinton, President of the United States.

“What do you want, taxes or guns?”

“Now, ah just want to talk with ya about yer series.”

“Come in.”

They sat down. As Bill got Tang, he secretly phoned Toonses (the cat who could drive) over. Toonses might prove useful in defending himself, plus he might hit a few agents on the way over.

“Now, we have a few… problems with you marketing your series.”

“What is the problem?”

“We feel that the stories aren’t very… wholesome. We would like you to publish milder versions, for the children. Hillary and I sure care about the children.”

“If she is so concerned then why isn’t she here with you?”

“Well the truth is she has a restraining order placed on me.”

“If my stories aren’t wholesome then why aren’t your stories unwholesome.”

“Hey, I apologized to the nation. Ken Starr wrote that report, he was unwholesome.”

“I should know, it’s used at the library every other day for story readings.”

President Clinton nearly choked on his Tang.

“What?! Who reads to those kids?”

“Uh.. someone very rooted in the community.”

Bill began to try and cover his Library Reader of the Year award discreetly. Then Toonses, the cat who could drive, showed up. He hit the kitchen. At first he didn’t know it was Toonses.

“GODDAMNIT WHY CAN’T THOSE CALIFORNIAN JACKASSES MISS MY DAMN KITCHEN????”

President Clinton was startled to say the least. He gagged on his Tang again. Then Toonses walked through the door.

“Oh, it’s just you Toonses. Hello.”

“Hello.”

“Toonses, do you believe my series is… unwholesome?

“Oh, no, not at all.”

There was a brief silence. Then:

“I believe it is immoral, unethical, and intellectually destructive.”

“YOU DIRTY BACKSTABBER, I’LL KILL YOU!”

“That’s what I am talking about.”

A brief pause.

“Shut up. Cats don’t talk.”

“But I do.”

“I shot the last talking cat I knew. Shut up.”

“Meow.”

“Much better. Now why don’t you go impress the fine FBI people with your driving skills.”

“Meowmeow.”

Outside, carnage began to take place. Toonses just could’nt drive very well, and the FBI wouldn’t shoot him because he was just too darn cute.

“That is it. Mr. Campy, I am ordering this TV show shut down!”

“Mr. Campy? Sir, have you been inhaling again?”

“Isn’t this the home of Mr. Campy, host of Campy’s Day?”

“No, this is the home of Bill; the Semi-Heroic and Slightly Unethical.”

“Oh. Never mind, then. Everbody out. Sorry about the trouble, sir.”

“That’s ok.”

Thus all the surviving agents drove off. Toonses drove off a cliff. And Bill finished his Tang.

“Now for some quality programming!”

And now for Campy’s Hour!

Hi kids! I have a new partner, and his name is CrackHead Bob. My new name is Bastard Campy, with your first Message of the DaY! Kids, don’t smoke dope. Crack is Better! *honkhonk * Now for CrackHead BoB! Hey what are you FBI agents doing here? Cut that out! No, not the ducks! *bang bang * NNOOOOoooooo…. YOU BASTARDS! ILL GET YOU ALL FOR THIS! No, not the firebombs! *boom * ARRGGGHHHhhhh… It burns! Get it off! AAAAHHHHHHHHHHHhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh…

Then there was a little still picture on the screen.

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“Well. I guess no more Campy’s Day.”

The End.

More in Episode Nine: Invasion of Crack!

In the Ever-Lasting Series of Bill the Semi Heroic and Slightly Unethical