Episode
Nine: Invasion of Crack!
In
the Ever-Continuing Series of Bill the Semi-Heroic and Slightly Unethical
Don’t
smoke dope. Crack is better! (Paid for by the Crack-dealer Association of
America)
Previously,
Campy’s Hour had been canceled. This was carried out by President Clinton’s
crack (pun intended) team of TV show killers. They busted in, shot the ducks,
arrested Campy (now know as Bastard Campy), killed CrackHead Bob, and
firebombed the set.
Campy
was not amused…
Campy
had been sentenced to 91 years in prison for the crime of corrupting young
children’s minds. It was supposed to be 19 years, but somebody read the papers
upside down. Campy was not happy about this, either.
“Get
in there, you sicko.”
“Shut
up, for I am better than you!!”
“Crazy
SOB…”
“Murderous
pig, you killed CrackHead…”
“QUIET,
or no supper.”
They
left him in solitary confinement, fed and serviced only by a new automated
system.
Bill
was pondering the cancellation of Campy’s Hour. He knew how Campy was
“different” after his collapse from exhaustion during the failed Campy’s Day
show. He just hoped Campy didn’t rape too many inmates. Then there was a cry of
help from Bob.
“I’m
coming, Bob!”
Bill
readied his Uzi, getting ready for anything. Then he saw that Bob had locked
himself inside a bathroom stall.
“Bob,
what the hell are you doing?”
“I
was trying to fix the lock with that new glue we got.”
“Not
the Elburz© glue!”
“Yep.”
They
had gotten new glue at the plant for free, for a trial. It was from a new
company called Elburz©, which also manufactured and produced and sold crack.
The new glue had crack in it, which Bob had quickly found out, and for some
reason this made it the strongest glue in the world. It repelled even tank
shells, but not for long after the first hit. It was horribly expensive though.
“I’ll
shoot you a way out, Bob.”
“But
the bullets won’t break the glue!”
Bill
shot all around the glue. Then he kicked the door open.
“You
sure are smart, Bill.”
Then
the intruder alarm sounded.
“Bob,
guard the plutonium. I’ll cover the roof.”
Bill
went up to the roof, but he found no one. He decided to cover the exit.
Then
he saw Campy running from the exit with a big box. Bill was so excited to have
seen Campy that he forgot that the box was the exact same type used to
transport plutonium.
“Hi,
Campy!”
“Shit!”
Campy
pulled an AK-47 and began firing wildly at Bill as he ran for his car. He was
swearing all the way.
“Something’s
wrong with Campy. He usually doesn’t swear that much as he randomly shoots
things.”
Bill
returned fire with his Uzi, then he ran down through the plant, out to his car,
then drove to the exit where Campy was. He activated the Molotov Cocktail
Dispensers, in an attempt to burn Campy’s car out. It didn’t work, though.
Campy’s car seemed to have an armor plating to it. Then Bill activated his
missle rack and fired a few missiles. Campy’s car dodged them.
“Damnation
all, he must have the new CrackLord™ electronic countermeasures.”
Campy’s
car raced off down the road. Then a pair of jet engines popped out of the
trunk, and Campy sped off with the plutonium much faster than Bill could ever
manage.
“Here
you go kids, some more crack. Don’t forget to tell your friends it’s Elburz©™
crack!”
“OK,
Campy!”
“Campy,
why is’nt your show on anymore? My mommy says –“
“YOUR
MOMMA’S ON THE COVER OF CRACKWHORE MAGAZINE, SO YOU JUST SHUT UP!”
“YOU GODDAMN BASTARD THAT ONLY HAPPENED
ONCE, er, TWICE, SO YOU CAN GO AND
SHUT THE F--- UP!!”
“Ok.”
“I
love you, little Timmy!”
“I
love you too, Capmy”
“GET MY NAME RIGHT YOU DIRTY
BASTARD!”
“YOU CANT
HANDLE ME, YOU CRACKBABY!”
“I CAN HAVE
YOUR ASS ON A PLATTER, CRACKWHORE!!!”
“Ok,
that’s enough.”
“Ok.
Now, the reason my show is’nt on anymore is because the bad government people
took it away. They say it was warping your minds. Which, of course, is totally
untrue. Now, kids, what I want you to do is send your senators these mail bombs,
ok? But don’t tell mommy, cause this is a big secret. Now, here’s how you make
them…”
“Campy,
you dirty bastard. Warping these children’s minds is my job.”
“Don’t
you do enough, Bill?”
“Well,
I would like to be mayor of the city, plus be a special correspondant for CNN-“
“ENOUGH!
You think you’re so tough, with your super car and your Uzi and all, but I have
something far more deadly. I have… Elburz™©® Crack!”
“Not
Elburz™©® Crack!”
“Yes!
I am going to sprinkle the crack on the children…. Like so…”
This
was going to turn into one of those Ronco™ infomercials real soon.
10
minutes later…
“…the
children jump, shoot, run, anything I tell them, and it’s all because of this
Elburz™©® Crack! All for just 120 easy monthly payments of $24.99!”
“It’s
so amazing, I think I’ll buy three!” exclaimed Bill.
“That’s
very good, Bill!” said Campy.
“Wait
a minute. You distracted me! You bastard, I was just gonna scare you a little
so you would change your ways, but now I’ll have to take you to jail.”
“Children,
attack!”
Bill
could’nt shoot the children. That was too much, even for Bill. So he started to
read to them the Starr© Report ™ from memory. That stopped them, and kept them
occupied for quite some time.
“You
heartless monster,” cried Campy, “you’ve completely destroyed any sense of
morality these kids might have had!! What will they do when they get older?”
“I
was thinking they might run for office. Instead of having someone who is
wishy-washy and would lie to us, we can have someone who won’t give a damn of
their stature and simply tell us all that happened. I should be commended, not
condamned.”
“It’s
condemned not condamned!!!”
“WHO
CARES?”
“APPARENTLY NOT YOU, YOU CRACKWHORE!”
“Calm
down, Campy. The children are trying to have fun.”
“What
the- ewwww! Who the hell will clean this up?”
“Bob
the security guard.”
“Ok.”
Later,
Bill and Campy decided to have their battle on the roof of Alamukon Nuclear
Facility.
“OK,
you child-warping crack-snorting cop-killing necrophile bastard, I am going to
kill you 8 ways from Sunday.”
“Uh,
I believe that is ‘six ways from Sunday’, Campy.”
“Right,
right.”
“And
I don’t recall ever killing any cops.”
“Who
hasn’t?”
“Uh,
sure. And I only tried necrophilia once.”
“Once
is enough.”
“How
do you know so much about me?”
“…..shut
up!”
Campy
pulled… the Cloud Machine! Actually a fairly crappy weapon, but still…the Cloud
Machine!
Bill
pulled his Uzi.
“My
Cloud Machine dictates all!!”
Bill
simply replied with a full clip of bullets. After the clip was out, he saw
Campy still standing, with a cloud full of bullets.
“I
can release this cloud of bullets at you! All I need is some Elburz™©®
Crack™©®! The cloud will home in on you, and then release a shower of bullets.
The Elburz™©® is what makes it go.”
Bill
realized that he needed armor. And Elburz™©® would supply it. He went down into
the plant, and coated himself in Elburz™©® Glue™©®, leaving a few airholes. He
went back on the roof.
“Ah
HA!” yelled Campy.
The
cloud released the bullets. They all hurtled towards Bill at alarming speeds.
They hit Bill. As they hit, they each stripped off a small piece of Elburz™®©®
Glue™©™®™©©©. When the last bullet hit, it took of the last bit of glue. There
was a ball of gluey bullets beside Bill. He picked it up, and began to cram it
into his Uzi. Campy was rolling on the roof laughing at what had taken place.
Bill
got the gluebullets into his Uzi. He shot it at Campy. The whole damn thing
squeezed through the nozzle, then went zooming towards Campy at very high
speeds. It hit Campy, and stopped as Campy went flying through the air, off
into the distance. Bill laughed.
“And
that is the tale of how I defeated Bastard Campy.”
“That
was a boring story. Tell us the Starr Report again.”
“OK,
kids. Any particular place?”
“The
oral sex!”
“OK,
kids.”
For
a copy of the Starr Report, and other associated items, go to www.stevenet.net/impeach
Campy
isn’t dead…
Continued
in Episode Ten: Damn Dirty French
In
the Seemingly Never-Ending Series about Bill the Semi-Heroic and Slightly
Unethical