Episode Nine: Invasion of Crack!

In the Ever-Continuing Series of Bill the Semi-Heroic and Slightly Unethical

 

Don’t smoke dope. Crack is better! (Paid for by the Crack-dealer Association of America)

 

Previously, Campy’s Hour had been canceled. This was carried out by President Clinton’s crack (pun intended) team of TV show killers. They busted in, shot the ducks, arrested Campy (now know as Bastard Campy), killed CrackHead Bob, and firebombed the set.

Campy was not amused…

 

The new prison at Umatilla, Oregon

 

Campy had been sentenced to 91 years in prison for the crime of corrupting young children’s minds. It was supposed to be 19 years, but somebody read the papers upside down. Campy was not happy about this, either.

“Get in there, you sicko.”

“Shut up, for I am better than you!!”

“Crazy SOB…”

“Murderous pig, you killed CrackHead…”

“QUIET, or no supper.”

They left him in solitary confinement, fed and serviced only by a new automated system.

 

Alaska, Texas: Alamukon Nuclear Power Plant

 

Bill was pondering the cancellation of Campy’s Hour. He knew how Campy was “different” after his collapse from exhaustion during the failed Campy’s Day show. He just hoped Campy didn’t rape too many inmates. Then there was a cry of help from Bob.

“I’m coming, Bob!”

Bill readied his Uzi, getting ready for anything. Then he saw that Bob had locked himself inside a bathroom stall.

“Bob, what the hell are you doing?”

“I was trying to fix the lock with that new glue we got.”

“Not the Elburz© glue!”

“Yep.”

They had gotten new glue at the plant for free, for a trial. It was from a new company called Elburz©, which also manufactured and produced and sold crack. The new glue had crack in it, which Bob had quickly found out, and for some reason this made it the strongest glue in the world. It repelled even tank shells, but not for long after the first hit. It was horribly expensive though.

“I’ll shoot you a way out, Bob.”

“But the bullets won’t break the glue!”

Bill shot all around the glue. Then he kicked the door open.

“You sure are smart, Bill.”

Then the intruder alarm sounded.

“Bob, guard the plutonium. I’ll cover the roof.”

Bill went up to the roof, but he found no one. He decided to cover the exit.

Then he saw Campy running from the exit with a big box. Bill was so excited to have seen Campy that he forgot that the box was the exact same type used to transport plutonium.

“Hi, Campy!”

“Shit!”

Campy pulled an AK-47 and began firing wildly at Bill as he ran for his car. He was swearing all the way.

“Something’s wrong with Campy. He usually doesn’t swear that much as he randomly shoots things.”

 

Bill returned fire with his Uzi, then he ran down through the plant, out to his car, then drove to the exit where Campy was. He activated the Molotov Cocktail Dispensers, in an attempt to burn Campy’s car out. It didn’t work, though. Campy’s car seemed to have an armor plating to it. Then Bill activated his missle rack and fired a few missiles. Campy’s car dodged them.

“Damnation all, he must have the new CrackLord™ electronic countermeasures.”

Campy’s car raced off down the road. Then a pair of jet engines popped out of the trunk, and Campy sped off with the plutonium much faster than Bill could ever manage.

 

Alaska, Texas: The Library

 

“Here you go kids, some more crack. Don’t forget to tell your friends it’s Elburz©™ crack!”

“OK, Campy!”

“Campy, why is’nt your show on anymore? My mommy says –“

“YOUR MOMMA’S ON THE COVER OF CRACKWHORE MAGAZINE, SO YOU JUST SHUT UP!”

YOU GODDAMN BASTARD THAT ONLY HAPPENED ONCE, er, TWICE, SO YOU CAN GO AND SHUT THE F--- UP!!

“I STILL DON’T CARE WHAT YOUR MOMMA SAID, YOU PIECE OF SHIT!!!!!”

“Ok.”

“I love you, little Timmy!”

“I love you too, Capmy”

“GET MY NAME RIGHT YOU DIRTY BASTARD!”

“DAMN YOU, YOU CRACKWHORE!”

“YOU CANT HANDLE ME, YOU CRACKBABY!”

“I CAN HAVE YOUR ASS ON A PLATTER, CRACKWHORE!!!”

“ONLY ‘CAUSE YOU’RE GAY!!!”

“Ok, that’s enough.”

“Ok. Now, the reason my show is’nt on anymore is because the bad government people took it away. They say it was warping your minds. Which, of course, is totally untrue. Now, kids, what I want you to do is send your senators these mail bombs, ok? But don’t tell mommy, cause this is a big secret. Now, here’s how you make them…”

“Campy, you dirty bastard. Warping these children’s minds is my job.”

“Don’t you do enough, Bill?”

“Well, I would like to be mayor of the city, plus be a special correspondant for CNN-“

“ENOUGH! You think you’re so tough, with your super car and your Uzi and all, but I have something far more deadly. I have… Elburz™©® Crack!”

“Not Elburz™©® Crack!”

“Yes! I am going to sprinkle the crack on the children…. Like so…”

This was going to turn into one of those Ronco™ infomercials real soon.

10 minutes later…

“…the children jump, shoot, run, anything I tell them, and it’s all because of this Elburz™©® Crack! All for just 120 easy monthly payments of $24.99!”

“It’s so amazing, I think I’ll buy three!” exclaimed Bill.

“That’s very good, Bill!” said Campy.

“Wait a minute. You distracted me! You bastard, I was just gonna scare you a little so you would change your ways, but now I’ll have to take you to jail.”

“Children, attack!”

Bill could’nt shoot the children. That was too much, even for Bill. So he started to read to them the Starr© Report ™ from memory. That stopped them, and kept them occupied for quite some time.

“You heartless monster,” cried Campy, “you’ve completely destroyed any sense of morality these kids might have had!! What will they do when they get older?”

“I was thinking they might run for office. Instead of having someone who is wishy-washy and would lie to us, we can have someone who won’t give a damn of their stature and simply tell us all that happened. I should be commended, not condamned.”

“It’s condemned not condamned!!!”

“WHO CARES?”

APPARENTLY NOT YOU, YOU CRACKWHORE!

“Calm down, Campy. The children are trying to have fun.”

“What the- ewwww! Who the hell will clean this up?”

“Bob the security guard.”

“Ok.”

Later, Bill and Campy decided to have their battle on the roof of Alamukon Nuclear Facility.

 

Alaska, Texas: Alamukon Nuclear Power Plant

 

“OK, you child-warping crack-snorting cop-killing necrophile bastard, I am going to kill you 8 ways from Sunday.”

“Uh, I believe that is ‘six ways from Sunday’, Campy.”

“Right, right.”

“And I don’t recall ever killing any cops.”

“Who hasn’t?”

“Uh, sure. And I only tried necrophilia once.”

“Once is enough.”

“How do you know so much about me?”

“…..shut up!”

Campy pulled… the Cloud Machine! Actually a fairly crappy weapon, but still…the Cloud Machine!

Bill pulled his Uzi.

“My Cloud Machine dictates all!!”

Bill simply replied with a full clip of bullets. After the clip was out, he saw Campy still standing, with a cloud full of bullets.

“I can release this cloud of bullets at you! All I need is some Elburz™©® Crack™©®! The cloud will home in on you, and then release a shower of bullets. The Elburz™©® is what makes it go.”

Bill realized that he needed armor. And Elburz™©® would supply it. He went down into the plant, and coated himself in Elburz™©® Glue™©®, leaving a few airholes. He went back on the roof.

“Ah HA!” yelled Campy.

The cloud released the bullets. They all hurtled towards Bill at alarming speeds. They hit Bill. As they hit, they each stripped off a small piece of Elburz™®©® Glue™©™®™©©©. When the last bullet hit, it took of the last bit of glue. There was a ball of gluey bullets beside Bill. He picked it up, and began to cram it into his Uzi. Campy was rolling on the roof laughing at what had taken place.

 

Bill got the gluebullets into his Uzi. He shot it at Campy. The whole damn thing squeezed through the nozzle, then went zooming towards Campy at very high speeds. It hit Campy, and stopped as Campy went flying through the air, off into the distance. Bill laughed.

 

“And that is the tale of how I defeated Bastard Campy.”

“That was a boring story. Tell us the Starr Report again.”

“OK, kids. Any particular place?”

“The oral sex!”

“OK, kids.”

 

For a copy of the Starr Report, and other associated items, go to www.stevenet.net/impeach

 

Campy isn’t dead…

 

Continued in Episode Ten: Damn Dirty French

In the Seemingly Never-Ending Series about Bill the Semi-Heroic and Slightly Unethical