Good morning/afternoon/evening, voters of the future. My name is Brandon Arthur Giampa. I am currently studying philosophy at the University of Michigan, and plan to pursue a career in politics. However, being that we live in a democratic society, this plan of mine is dependent on you; I need your votes. Thus, I am assiduously planning my campaign for the election in 2016.
As a hardworking student, I have always prided myself on hard work and planning ahead. I figure, if I spend the next 12 years campaigning for President, there is no way I can lose in 2016.
Some may inquire as to my "platform," and perhaps as to with which party I am running. Because it is unwise to try to compete against incumbents or Vice Presidents, I cannot commit myself to a choice of party as of yet, and being that that will determine my platform, I cannot commit to a platform. However, my promise to you is that I will figure out what previous policies were wrong or poorly initiated, and change them, so that there is enough wealth to go around for everyone in the United States.
As for particular issues, I will address a few. FirstI believe that our methods of punishment do not ward off crime as they are intended to do, yet are inhumane and do not reform the criminals. At the same time, there are many complaints as to the salaries of actors and professional athletes. My correctional measures in this case will involve stripping Hollywood and the sports industry of their businesses, and replacing them with what I call the "community service media," that is, criminals will serve out their sentences by being forced to act in shows like "Friends," "Everybody loves Raymond," and "Saturday Night Live." Reality television will be reserved for the most extreme of criminals. For example, "The Apprentice" will be replaced by "The Dictator," starring Saddam Hussein, in which aspiring tyrants compete over Saddam's dictatorial endorsement, and the winner will be installed by the US as dictator in a former Soviet nation of the winner's choice. Those who are not as characteristically charismatic as Saddam will be forced into journalist roles. Thus, we are hoping greatly for Osama bin Laden's capture, so that we can begin Fox News' new show "The Osama Factor." Finally, game shows will be canceled across the board. Despite their atrocities, Saddam and Osama do not deserve the embarrassment Pat Sajak goes through five days a week.
Second, as a citizen, I am shocked and appalled at the actions of Martha Stewart. I don't know exact details of her case, but anyone with a show like hers should be punished with the most severe sentence possible. Thus, though I am generally against physical punishment of all forms, in her case, I will reinstate quartering as a means of punishment. |
