| Ann Arbor, MI Grammar Police Impose Controversial Ban on "Valley Girl Voice" Local University fears Decline in Enrollment |
February 10, 2004 Ann Arbor, Michigan The newly instituted and formerly University of Michigan-funded "Grammar Police" department of the Ann Arbor legislature put through what is seen as one of their most controversial bills on Monday, banning what non-student locals of Ann Arbor refer to as the "valley girl voice," more commonly referred to as the "airhead voice" and the "'God, anyone with a voice like that must be an idiot' voice," which, in the language of the new legislation, is described as "any girl's voice which is overly nasal-sounding, squeaky in a not-cute way, characterized by excessive utterances of 'like,' 'uh,' 'totally,' or any voice corresponding with a girl wearing a 'North Face' jacket." Administrators at the University of Michigan, local to Ann Arbor, vehemently oppose, citing that it is out of the jurisdiction of the Grammar Police, and could lead to a great decline in enrollment. "It's not fair," said university president Mary Sue Coleman. "There is no grammar involved in saying 'like' a million times in one sentence." Supporters of the new law claim that this is exactly their charge, additionally citing "annoyance at such voices" as a distraction from the proper formulation of sentences. "Not only is it unfair," continued Coleman, "but it would also mean that none of the dumb girls from grotesquely rich families would apply at our school. That would either reduce the rate of application, or reduce our pool of applicants to smart kids whose parents aren't in the top financial bracket. We would be condemned to judge potential students by their academic merit! We just can't let things go this far." Despite university pressures, a survey taken shows that 5 out of 6 local non-students support the legislation, citing the decrease of "North Face-wear" as imperative to the fashion tastes of Ann Arbor's non-student population. "Those college kids have such horrible taste in fashion, yet they milk hundreds of dollars out of their parents for it each year," proclaimed Father Brickton, a priest at downtown Ann Arbor church St. Jehosephat. "It's time we take a stand for the esthetic safety and purity of our town. And those voices are so annoying anyway!" -BG |
| 2/9/04- University fashion statement, or bane of the Ann Arbor non-student population's existence? |
 |
 |
 |
| 2/9/04- LSA students (from left to right) Jeff Campbell, Ella McKale, and John "The Barber" Allison enter Socratic discussion as to whether or not law is definable as "parentalistic," or if it actually involves "grammar." |
 |
| Local parent Aaron Lormand proclaims, "I don't ever want to hear my daughter talk like a valley girl! I also wouldn't let her out of the house if I saw that she was wearing a North Face article of clothing of any kind. I'm even liberal enough to have let her out of the house wearing nothing but this U of M varsity blanket. But North Face...that is simply bad fashion sense, and must be expelled from our community forthwith! How can anyone with half a brain not support this new legislation? It's the only thing saving our city!" |