Lydia Chalmers wasn’t sure how she had managed to find herself sitting at the bar with a glass of San Pellegrino and her journal before her and her favorite pen in hand. It was probably a quiet evening for the little club, she thought; the few teenagers and not-so-teenaged-ers who were actually dancing were swaying to canned music. She wondered briefly if there had been a band scheduled; rumor had it that musicians were particularly susceptible to vampiric deaths. She sniffed at the thought, took a brief sip and returned to her journal.

‘…and so Mr Travers seems rather unhappy this evening. I am not certain if it is the reality of the situation – the coming (and rather certain) apocalypse thanks to this Glory creature who has engaged the Slayer this very afternoon – or if it is simply the fact that Mr R Giles and his Slayer have won a battle in the war to put Mr Travers in his place which is the cause of his morose and less-than-pleasant nature. Then again, it is a rare thing indeed to find Mr Travers in a pleasant mood to begin with! Still, the chance to personally conduct an interview with Wm t Bly (albeit a short one) was worth the trip…’

"God, this is like the worst night at the Bronze *ever*!" came an exclamation from beside her.

Lydia looked up to find that a petite blonde girl had taken residence beside her.

"Yo, barkeep!" called girl, bringing the server to their corner of the bar-counter. "Whiskey," she said in what must have approximated ‘forceful’ for her.

"You got ID?"

"Come *on*," said the girl. "I’m twenty-one. I *swear*."

"ID."

"*Please*?"

"ID."

"Damn." The girl seemed to have given up, but then she growled.

"Look, girlie, I don’t care if you come in here with tentacles. You show me some ID or you order a cola like all your teeny-bopper friends, capiche?"

Lydia looked up to discover that the girl was a vampire.

"Fine, fine. What do you care? You’re not the one who got dumped. For like the fortieth time." She started to cry. "My Blondie Bear doesn’t love me any more!"

The barkeeper was unmoved.

"Er, if I may be of assistance…?" offered Lydia.

The girl-vampire looked at her. "What?"

"If I buy you a whiskey, would you be willing to answer some questions?"

"What, like one of those stupid polls at the mall? All political and stuff?"

Lydia shook her head, thinking fast. "Oh, no, no, nothing like that. I…I’ve been collecting information about some of the, er, the vampires here in Sunnydale and I thought you might be an excellent informant."

"What, like, tell you all the gossip and stuff?" asked the vampire, sniffling. Her gameface began to recede, revealing the stereotypical blonde Californian look Lydia had noticed before.

"Yes, yes, exactly. A little…gossip."

"You’ll buy me the alcohol?"

Lydia looked at the barkeeper, who put up his hands. "Don’t look at me. You buy it, you give it to her, technically I ain’t selling to a potential minor. But if she pukes it up, you’re cleaning the bloody mess. Damn vampires."

She looked back at the girl. "Then, yes, I’ll buy it for you."

"Okay."

A few minutes later, the girl had calmed down and Lydia had procured the shot for her. A flutter of papers rested on the countertop. "Are you feeling better?" asked Lydia.

The girl - *vampire* - nodded. "Yeah. It’s just…I hate it. He keeps trying to dump me, but I know we’re right for each other, you know? It hurts. He just keeps thinking about that girl. Like she’s anything special. Bitch."

Lydia cleared her throat. "Well, then, shall we start the interview?"

The girl perked up a little at that. "Oh, is this gonna be like *Interview with the Vampire*? ‘Cause Tom Cruise was *so* hot in that movie."

"Er, a little, I suppose." Lydia straightened the papers and poised her pen at question one. "What is your name?"

"Harmony Kendall."

She skipped the next question: it was easily answered by visible means.

"How old are you?"

"Old enough. God, you’re like the barkeeper-guy."

"Harmony, I – " Lydia sighed. "I just need an estimate. So I can compare your answers with those from other vampires your age."

"Fine." She took that moment to toss back the shot, which caused her to choke and turn as red as a vampire can turn. "Bleagh. Yuck. Twenty."

"Twenty? Is that how long you have been a vampire, or is it your human and vampiric age combined?"

"Huh? Oh. Combined."

"All right," said Lydia, her pen dancing across the page. The next question was also skipped: ‘vampire’. "Do you have any special supernatural abilities?"

"Well, I’m a vampire, right? So, I’m like totally strong and immortal and stuff."

"Well, yes," replied the Watcher, "but I’m referring to extra abilities. Magical tendencies, or being able to transform oneself into animals and the like."

"We can do that?" exclaimed the vampire.

"Well," said Lydia, hesitating, "Dracula has been known to do so."

"Cool. I’ll have to try that some time. Let me think. Hm. Write down ‘dazzling beauty’."

"Excuse me?"

"Dazzling beauty. That’s my special power."

Lydia raised her eyebrows at that but wrote it down anyway. She hesitated at the next question. "Do you consider yourself to be dead or alive?"

Harmony frowned. "Well, I’m a vampire, so I’m dead." She seemed to think about it for a moment. "But, then again, I *am* up and walking around and biting people and stuff, so I’m kinda alive, too. Is there another option? Like, ‘other’ or something? ‘Cause aren’t vampires, like, undead and stuff?"

Lydia nodded. "’Other’ it is, then." She skipped the next question. "Did you believe in vampires before you were turned?"

"Like, *duh*!" said Harmony. "This is Sunnydale. *Everyone* knows about that. *Duh*."

"Oh," said Lydia. "Had you ever met a vampire before you were turned?"

"Like, before I met my sire?" Harmony scrunched up her nose. "I’m not sure. Maybe?"

Lydia nodded and skipped ahead to No. 14. "When were you sired?"

"May 24, 1999. That was graduation day, by the way. Really icky. The mayor like turned into this snake monster and everything."

"How old were you then? Eighteen?"

"Uh-huh."

"And your sire? What is his or her name?"

Harmony shrugged. "I don’t know. I think he got staked in the battle. I just remember this totally skanky guy biting me and stuff. He was probably helping the mayor-snake-thingy."

"What do you consider yourself to be? A minion, a master, or other?"

Harmony smiled and flipped back her hair with practiced motion. "Like, duh, I’m totally a master vampire and everything."

Lydia kept her laughter internal. "How many other vampires have you sired?"

"Like, eeewww! Zero, natch’. They’d have to, like, suck my blood and stuff. No way. Ew." She hesitated. "Well, maybe if it was like Antonio Banderas or somebody hot like that."

Lydia nodded. "As a master vampire, then, how many minions do you have at present?"

Harmony slumped. "None right now."

"But you’ve had minions before, then? How many?"

"Oh, totally! This one time I got together a really great gang and we totally kicked the Slayer’s ass. Kidnapped her sister. Everything."

"Really? How many were in your gang?"

"Hm. Ten. Twenty. Maybe more."

Lydia wrote that down and then noted: ‘Subject may very well be exaggerating these figures.’

"Your estimated victim count?"

"Huh?"

"How many people do you think you’ve killed, and how many per year?"

"I don’t know. What kind of question is that? I totally flunked math."

"Do you have a preferred feeding pattern? Are there specific kinds of people you like to kill best, or places you prefer to hunt in?"

"Duh! Only, like, totally cute guys. What are you, mental or something?"

"All right," said Lydia. "Have you ever heard of William the Bloody?"

"Who?"

"How about Spike? Have you heard of a vampire named Spike?"

The vampire began to cry. "My Blondie Bear! My Spikey – he’s the one who dumped me." She sobbed. "He’s like totally obsessed with the Slayer. Like Buffy’s anything special. She was always getting in trouble at school. And that hair? So *obviously* a bad dye job. At first I just thought he was dreaming about killing her, ‘cause, like, who wouldn’t? I mean, even I’ve tried to kill the Slayer. But lately…I’m all for experimentation and stuff, but when he starts thinking about her like *that* in bed..." Her sobs grew louder.

Lydia hastily marked yes to Nos. 25 and 26 and answer No. 6 to question No. 27. Looking up at Harmony again, she asked, "Are you quite all right?"

The vampire’s mascara had begun to run, giving her a slightly cross-eyed impression to the viewer. "Yeah. I-I’m okay. Are there more questions?"

"Yes, there are a few more. Perhaps you’d like to look at them yourself?"

"Okay." Lydia handed her the last page. It took a number of minutes but finally Harmony handed it back. "Here you go."

Lydia looked at it. Harmony had added answer No. 12 to No. 27, adding "’cause you guys forgot ‘soulmate’." She suppressed another laugh as she read the rest of the answers.

28. What is your relationship to Angelus? Who?

29. What is your relationship to Angel? What, Buffy Summer’s stupid ex? No way!

30. What is your relationship to Darla? Who?

31. What is your relationship to Drusilla? Droodzilla. The Bitch. You have no idea what she’s done to my Spikey.

32a .What is your relationship to the master? Huh?

32b. Do you know his (real) name? Huh?

32c. His minions? Huh?

33. What feelings did you experience in your encounter with William the Bloody? Who?

"William the Bloody is one of Spike’s old names, Harmony," said Lydia. She handed the page back to the sniffling vampire, who then corrected her answers:

33. What feelings did you experience in your encounter with William the Bloody? Who? I loved my Spikey from the moment I saw him.

34. When was this? October 1999, I think.

35. Do you still think of him? How? Yes. I still love him.

36. Has anyone you know ever met or seen William the Bloody? Will you give us their name/telephone number/e-mail address? No – he’s mine!

37. Did you ever experience the following with William the Bloody?

1. UST? Huh?

2. Flirting? Duh!

3. Kissing? Yes.

4. Sex? What kind? Duh!

5. One or more of the following: oral and/or anal sex? Who did what to whom? Eeeww! Like I’d tell you! Some things are *private*!

"Why do you want to know these sex things? That’s like totally private information."

Lydia blushed. "We, er, we have our reasons," she stammered.

"We?" asked Harmony.

"Er, yes, we. The Watcher’s Council. Perhaps you’ve heard of us?"

The vampire shook her head. "What’s that?"

"Well," started Lydia. She paused and actually thought about it. "We’re a bunch of lifeless, tweed-wearing British people who, er, hang out with the Slayer," she said in frustration. Damn Travers. Berk.

"Oh, like Mr. Giles. Hey, is he one of you watching people? ‘Cause that would totally explain why Buffy was always in the library with him. There were rumors going around about that. I *so* wouldn’t have wanted to be her. I mean, really! Some people thought they were having sex and stuff."

Lydia’s eyes grew wide. "Well, I, eh, as far as I, um, know, that’s-that’s not true. Besides, I thought she was dating Angelus – excuse me, Angel – in high school."

"Yeah, I guess," said Harmony. "Do you know him? I mean, he was kinda cute and all, but he was totally weird. I guess they were like made for each other. Weirdos with weirdos and stuff."

"I-I suppose so. I’ve never met him. You do realize that he’s a vampire himself, don’t you?"

"What! Buffy dated a *vampire*!" Suddenly Harmony looked afraid. "Does my Spikey know that? I mean, if he knew that, he might actually think he has a chance with the Slayer! Oh-my-God! Oh, no! That’s it, I’m going home right now and I’m gonna remind my Blondie just who he belongs to! Me!"

Lydia blinked and Harmony was gone. "Damn."

‘…concluded an interview with Wm t Bly’s current (supposed) lover, a Miss Harmony Kendall, also a vampire. What on earth does he see in the bint? She is the personification of the Californian Valley Girl, the definition of which I had thought rested upon the Slayer’s own shoulders, but that thought has since been corrected. HK believes herself to be a Master Vampire and claims to have made attempts on the Slayer’s life, which are at the very least humorous. If true, I cannot imagine that these attempts were anywhere near successful…’

[Finis]

A/N: The Sunnydale Lifestyle Questionnaire was originally created by dutchbuffy2305 for the Yahoo!Group spikethesis. It can be found at: http://members.aol.com/melrabey/questionnaire.html