It began...innocently...enough.

Honest.

Come on. Would the flower girl lie?

***

To be honest, I'm not quite sure how it began. I mean, I remember the ceremony - that went off just fine, except for the part where Buffy tripped in her shoes walking up the aisle. Oh, and at the end, when people started leaving for the reception while Xander and Anya were still kissing. It's at the reception that things start getting fuzzy and confused.

Don't you remember? She saw Spike standing next to Xander near the altar. I guess you were too busy -- oh, no. That's right. You and Anya were still waiting to come up the aisle. Remember? He said that he'd rather have Spike as his best man than his cousin...gods, what was his name? The cousin. The one who showed up stoned and passed out before the ceremony even began. Besides, you were already taken. Anya asked you to give her away.

She what? You know, that *is* kinda sweet.

You know. In an ex-demony way.

***

The ceremony itself went perfectly, except, you know, the end. I-I see nothing wrong with displays of affection in public - I mean, Willow and I certainly kissed often enough in public and lots of people get kinda offended at just that. But five minutes straight? Did they ever come up for air? That's the whole reason people started leaving, humans and demons alike. Even the Justice of the Peace, and I'm sure she's seen plenty of...bizarre in her life.

And, yes, I *did* see the look he gave Buffy. That kind of wink, like 'Hey, baby, wanna see if we could do that, too?' That sort of thing.

Well, after a moment she did get a funny look on her face, but it took a moment. She had a little half-smile first.

What? Don't you believe me? You've been on another continent, Giles. I've been here, watching them. There was something going on between them before you even left the second time. It wasn't much then, but by now? I'm surprised Xander hasn't caught them in...eh...suspicious situations more often.

Didn't he tell you?

***

So, Anya decided that part of my flower girl duties was to help cut the cake, which was fine with me. At least she picked something yummy. You can't believe the bizarre ideas and combinations she came up with. I think Xander helped her with this one.

So anyway, I'm there standing next to the sugary baked goods and I see some guy walk over to the refreshment table. My view's blocked for, like, a second, and he's gone. I think he might have been one of Xander's relatives, but who knows. I had a weird feeling about it, but the guy couldn't have been there for very long, so I figured everything was fine and decided not to say anything.

And then D'Hoffryn comes up and wants to know where the celebratory kitten hearts are. I go, "What?" He wants the baked hearts of calico kittens. To eat. Honest. I'm totally lost and the conversation's been going for thirty seconds, plus the 'ick' factor. So I say, "What?" again, followed by an "Eeew."

Hey! It's not my fault! No one ever told me that it was standard practice, y'know, all traditional for guests at binding ceremonies in Arrashmahar to eat cooked kitten parts! How was I supposed to know he'd get all offended and stuff?

***

I was really surprised. Anya actually forgot something. The cat hearts. You should have seen her, Giles, for all those weeks before the wedding. *Everything* was mapped out, planned, perfect. Every detail. Annoyingly so. There was exactly *zero* stress the last two days beforehand, 'cause everything was taken care of. I was shocked. And lo and behold, she actually forgot something. Cat hearts.

What were we going to do? I mean, really? I just felt so sorry for Dawn, stuck up there with the cake and dealing with everybody, plus Xander's mom, who somehow showed up just sober enough to do the cake stuff, too, and suddenly there's *D'Hoffryn* staring her down. I had no idea what was going on. I mean, the last time we saw him he tried to make me a vengeance demon! So I marched right up there and tried to figure out what was going on. And sure, yeah, I probably did sound disgusted. The guy wanted to eat a cat! Humans usually don't do that, y'know, and I'm human. It's a disgusting, super-icky thought. But not for a demon. So of course the guy's gonna be offended when we tell him (a) we have no kitten hearts, (b) that's icky, and (c) Anya never even mentioned them to us.

Listen. We were tired. I was hungry. The guy was asking for something super duper disgusting. I was certain before I got up to the cake table that D'Hoffryn was trying to con Dawn into becoming a demon or something. He could probably sense her swirly green Key energy or something, y'know? So it didn't exactly start off that great. But it's not like we *intended* to offend him, or make him mad or something.

***

I'm sitting with Buffy and Cordelia and Wesley - both of whom I met for the first time today (I'm not real clear on why Anya hates and likes Cordelia at the same time) - and I watch Dawn and Willow talk to some demony guy I don't know. All of a sudden the guy walks off in a huff, really angry-looking, and he joins up with the people he had been sitting with. He says something to them and it's like that - SNAP - all of *those* demons are angry, too. Later on Willow said something about cat hearts. I'm not sure what that was about.

So they go over to the Justice of the Peace and start talking to her. I don't want to know what she thought. I mean, we put together the spell that helped all the normal people not know that Anya's guests were all demons, but it didn't extend to what they said. So if they tried telling her that the marriage was invalid due to the lack of cat hearts, which is what Willow tells me is most like what they said, that's exactly what she would have heard.

All I know is that a few minutes later the demons started chanting.

***

By that time most of the cake had been given out anyway, so I started walking over to where Buffy and Cordy and Tara were sitting, but right in the middle of it D'Hoffryn and his buddies start *chanting*. That's right. *Chanting*. I have no clue what it was that they were saying, but it was angry, y'know, and suddenly things start turning weird. Just plain weird. It's kinda hard to describe, but it's like things were all fuzzy and confusing and floaty-cloud-like, sort of like when I had those painkillers right after the accident, the ones that would put me to sleep. Kinda like on TV, when people get drunk or high or something, kinda like that, too.

Just us humans. All of the demons were fine, except for the part where they were all really, really angry 'cause of the cat thing.

I started feeling kind of wobbly and was having trouble with my shoes. Anya let me wear high heels. Buffy threw a fit. I think most of it was because then I'd still be taller than her. Depending on the shoes, she can usually get up to about my height. It drives her crazy. So I was all wobbly and shaky and stopped at Spike's table. He was all by himself by then, 'cause the demons he had been sitting with had all gotten up to join D'Hoffryn's kitten crusade. "Hey, bit," he said. "Nice dress." But it was slow, y'know? Almost slurred. Like he was drunk. Just a little drunk.

No. He hadn't been anywhere near the punch, or the booze. Honest. The whole evening. He promised me beforehand, and I watched him and Willow watched him - and even Buffy watched him. The whole time. Spike never got near the booze.

H. O. N. E. S. T. I swear. On the Key's honor.

Well, he *was* the only vampire at the reception. So maybe whatever D'Hoffryn was doing affected humans *and* vampires, 'cause, y'know, they used to be humans.

It could happen!

And, no, Angel *wasn't* there. Didn't anyone tell you? Cordy said something about him being busy with a new demon. Something called a Connor. Cordy was only there 'cause Wesley could drive her down and that green friend of hers - y'know, the one who complained that there wasn't any karaoke? - was invited, too.

Anya had said something about visiting him between the mayor turning into the snake-demon-thingy and when she came back and hooked up with Xander. Said he was the whole reason why she came back to Sunnydale.

***

The next thing I know the air feels...fluffy. It's really bizarre, and across the reception hall I can see D'Hoffryn putting together what really looks like an army. So I go - really carefully - over to Xander and Anya and try to explain to them why D'Hoffryn is mad at Dawn and me. You should have seen the look on Anya's face. Her eyes were just....super wide, y'know. Like an owl. The look of shock on her face, not just that she forgot something, but that she forgot the cat hearts. Apparently it's very, very important for the demons of Arrashmahar, as she explained to me later. If the pair being bonded or bound or whatever in the ceremony don't sacrifice a certain number of calico cats prior to the day of the ceremony and then marinate them in mercury and then bake them wrapped in this flaky pastry stuff and present them to the guests to be eaten, the binding is not only invalid, but it's also cursed. And you know how Anya is about curses.

Xander didn't take it well. By this time *everyone* was being affected by the demonic chanting, so I don't think he was fully in his right mind to begin with. But there was something about "demon nonsense" and "no way in hell" was he going to annul his marriage just to get married again in a week when they had the cat hearts prepared.

Anya was *not* happy. Half of what she said wasn't making any sense, but I think it was mostly because she started screaming in this bizarre demonic language. She stormed off, crying. Heck, Xander was starting to cry.

***

So Anya started screaming and ran off. A few minutes later there was a...shimmer...in the air and all of a sudden, all of Xander's guests and family started screaming. My guess is that whatever D'Hoffryn and his buddies were doing, it broke the spell we had done and so now all the "normal" people were actually seeing the demons. Anya's best friend from her first fifty years as a vengeance demon was sitting with Xander's dad. I would have run myself if I suddenly found myself talking to a Blingngngo demon. I mean, the mouths alone would be enough. Not that I'm prejudiced or anything.

All of the humans - except for us - started running. Everyone except for Xander's mom and the Justice of the Peace got away. Mrs. Harris somehow got stuck behind the cake table and the Justice of the Peace ended up with Spike and Dawn under another table nearby.

***

Everyone's gone, except for the demons and us, so the demons stop chanting. One weird-looking guy with three mouths goes up to the punch bowl - you know, where I saw the one guy - and drinks the whole thing. The *whole* thing. In one swallow. It was highly bizarre. Then suddenly he starts twitching and stuff, like he's having a seizure, and D'Hoffryn starts yelling and screaming his head off. Suddenly all of the demons start fighting *each* *other*. Honest. It's like they've forgotten that there are humans around to fight. Out come all the swords and stuff. Kinda cool, except for the fact that it was supposed to be a wedding reception, and not a demonic "Braveheart". Spike says something about that species of demon being allergic to alcohol.

I look over to Buffy and Cordy and Wesley, and it looks like Wesley's gone into lecture mode, like you do sometimes. Suddenly Buffy's all looking around, real bizarre, back and forth, back and forth, like she's looking for someone. Finally she fixes on Spike and the Justice of the Peace and me and starts crawling across the linoleum to us. It took her a couple of minutes, but by the time she got to us, D'Hoffryn had started chanting again and suddenly things started getting foggy again, like he'd given us a booster shot of magic drunkenness. But this time, whatever he did affected the demons, too, and they started acting funny. I can't really describe it. But it was like none of them knew how to fight very well anymore. I mean, they were fighting and killing each other and there was demon guts and goo and blood all over the place, but they were...inexperienced or something. Super bizarre.

So now all of us are acting kinda strange. Buffy finally makes it over to us, but she can't remember what it was she was going to tell us or whatever it was she wanted to do. Spike's all slurring his words and just plain talking slow. Buffy gets kinda wobbly herself, just sitting there, and Spike grabs her and hugs her to him, almost cuddly.

***

So I look over to where Buffy's gone, and Spike's hugging her or something. This is where things get really, really confusing. It's like I *remember* what happened, but when I try thinking about it, everything goes bye-bye.

***

It's actually very sweet, the way he's holding her. Like he's trying to protect her and support her all at the same time. The only unusual part about it is the fact that he's actually touching her in public, where we all can see them. My only explanation is the spell that D'Hoffryn was casting over us.

***

Then suddenly Buffy's crying. I mean, really truly crying, bawling her eyes out and sobbing. Spike keeps on hugging her, and he even starts, y'know, rocking a little, like you would with a little kid who was crying. It's all really sweet and cute and great, except for the fact that they're both still kinda out of it, like we all are.

So finally, Buffy stops crying and is just doing that bizarre almost-choking thing that people do when they're not really crying anymore, but they're doing something that almost *is* crying, and Spike is all, "What's wrong? What can I do?"

Only in an intoxicated way, y'know?

Buffy says something about how nothing turns out right and we're all doomed. Spike tells her it's nonsense and there's this look on his face like, "Please believe me. I'll do anything." So Buffy starts babbling about how even Anya and Xander couldn't have a perfect wedding, 'cause look how it turned out, they couldn't even make it past the reception and into the honeymoon.

So Spike, who I almost begin to think has switched brains with Mom, tells her that it's complete nonsense and Anya and Xander will be fine real soon when they sort everything out, when the demons have been dealt with. And then Buffy starts going off on how she thought if Anya and Xander could make it work - two people she would never have guessed at the beginning could ever fall in love - then if they made it work, there was still hope for her, too. How she now knows the truth, and if she wanted to get married and do the whole happy couple thing she should have done it with Riley.

'Cause he's not exactly all together, just like the rest of us, Spike doesn't start a rampage like I thought he would.

Oh, come on, Giles, she brought up *Riley* and *marriage* in the *same* sentence! Of course he would have gone off on that if he was in his right mind.

So instead, Spike just starts talking again about how that's complete nonsense, only he throws in a bunch of British words I'd never heard before (which is surprising, considering how much I hung out with him over the summer) and then suddenly says something along the lines of, "I'd marry you in a heartbeat, luv."

See, I *knew* you'd get upset.

Just don't go there, Giles. It wasn't as if they hadn't already...what's the word?...*consummated*...their relationship.

Stop staring, Giles. If you'd been here and if you'd've kept your eyes open when you *were* here, you would have seen it. Not, y'know, *it*, but you would have been able to tell. It was, like, *so* obvious.

So Buffy laughs at him. Really laughs. Like she doesn't believe him at all, but I don't know why. It's not like Spike hasn't gotten married before.

Didn't he ever tell you that one? They didn't actually go through with it, but they almost did. This was back in 1980. Drusilla started going into this bizarre phase where she decided that Spike had to court her, you know, actual dates and stuff and then at the beginning of the next year they would actually get married. He's not sure what brought it on. They did everything - the shopping and the buying and the research and everything, just like Anya and Xander. But then December and then January came and suddenly Dru called it all off, really freaked out, he said.

Wanna hear my theory? Buffy was born and Dru had a freaky vision and gave up on the idea, and then ignored it until they actually came to Sunnydale.

So Buffy's laughing at him. And suddenly Spike's down on one knee, proposing to her and it's that wacky spell of Willow's all over again, except I can tell it's real. I can feel it. All he can think is, if it'll make her happy, I'll do it. So Buffy gives him this weird look, like "Really? Really?" He tells her that he really will, even points out the fact that they have a Justice of the Peace right there with them, no problem. They even have two witnesses: me, and Mrs. Harris, who's still hiding behind the cake table a couple of feet away from us.

The next thing I know, they're saying "I do" and they kiss.

***

And suddenly the spell stops. It's very weird. I had been so out of it by then that I wasn't even really paying attention to anything and then - poof! It's all over, and I look around,, and I see them. Buffy. Spike. Kissing. The Justice of the Peace talking to them and handing them what looks to be a napkin with writing on it.

***

D'Hoffryn chanted for like five seconds more and then all of the demons were gone. And suddenly Anya was back and she and Xander were making up.

I kid you not.

***

And they're still kissing. Still. Kissing. I know Spike doesn't need to breathe, 'cause he's a vampire and all, but Buffy does. It's very strange. Like they're trying to imitate Anya and Xander, or beat their record or something.

They. Keep. On. Kissing!

***

That's basically how it happened, as best as I can remember. It's weird. But they're happy. They're actually happy, and Anya and Xander are happy, too. Seems there's this thing with the cat heart curse. If two couples within the same family group get married within twenty-four hours of each other, they can bypass the whole cat-heart-pastry thing without risking the curse, Anya said. And 'cause Xander thinks of Buffy as a sister these days, and Anya's always kind of seen Spike as a brother-in-ex-demonhood kind of a way, it's close enough to count. Anyway, it all boils down to the fact that the folks in Arrashmahar see it as highly wasteful to sacrifice that many cats so close together, so they basically say, "Why bother?" and skip that part. So everything's okay now.

***

I wouldn't be too worried about them, Giles. It's been coming for a long time.

They're in love.

Deal.
 
 

[The End]