SHE WALKED ALONE...
I Was A Victim...
For over 15 years I endured the physical, emotional and sexual abuse of a man who had told me he would love me forever.. Little did I know that in the end this "LOVE" he had would almost kill me..
Part 1 - THE BEGINNING OF THE END...
Bruises, broken bones, name calling.
not being able to look in the mirror,
screams,
tears,
not loving myself,
agoraphobia
and more....
I know about all those things because that was me
for 15 out of 17 married years...
I could start this out like they do at AA meetings:
Hi my name is Barb and I am a survivor of 15 years of domestic violence.
Instead of doing it that way though I would like to start it this way:
Hi, my name is Barb and I could have been your neighbor,
your best friend,
The clerk at the grocery store.
I was the woman put on act and made you think my world was wonderful. I got awards, I bowled on a league, I raised 2 children.
I also was a woman who endured the fists and rage of a man who made me a victim of Domestic Violence...
I was 21 when I met my now ex-husband. We met through my sister who just
recently divorced his brother. After less then a year of knowing each other we married and he took on a
ready made family. My 2 daughters were just 3 & 4 then. When I first met him;
I refuse to hide any longer so for all the world to know, his name is Mike. He was kind, generous and loving. My daughters thought he was the best thing sliced bread. He would get down on the floor and play with them and have them giggling until they could not giggle anymore. I thought he was the Knight in shining armor I had been waiting for...
Mike lost his job right before we married and decided that going back into the United States Navy was the best thing for him to do. We got married right after he did and off to San Diego we went. Our first 2 years there were wonderful and Mike showed what a good husband and father he could be. Then came the time when he went to sea duty. We moved to Norfolk, VA and he went on a ship. It was right after he went onboard that his temper seemed to get worse...
He became moody and didn't want to talk. No matter what I said or did, it just wasn't right or good enough.
(I do not blame the United States Navy for his violence; that was a choice Mike
made..)
He started calling me stupid and treating me like I was something not fit for a cats' litter box..
One night he came home a little more irritated then usual. His day had not gone well and it showed in his behavior. He only drank occasionally and didn't do drugs, so I knew it was neither of those. I said something to him about the car registration needing to be done when he turned around, got in my face and told me he didn't want to hear it. I said OK and tried to move around
him. He was not to have that. He grabbed me by the wrist, told me to sit down and shut up.
He knew what needed to be done.
I sat there in terror.
He had never done this before and I wondered what I had done so very wrong.
There were many times after that first when he did the same thing and sometimes it got worse.
I tried very hard not to let it happen in front of my 2 daughters, but that was not always to be. Most times he had the control and I had none. I did make sure though that the girls were off limits to his temper; if it was going to flare up it was going to be against me and not on those 2 sweet little angels.
Over time, it became worse.
No longer was he just using words, but began grabbing me by the wrists or arms. It seemed as though every time I wanted to walk away, it made him madder... He is a big guy, 5 foot 10, 240 lbs. So when he grabbed it was hard to pull away ...
His grip was always one that left light black and blue marks wherever he put his hands... There were days where I would walk around with the imprints of his fingers on my arms.
That was when I decided that a change in dress might be in order... Anyone who knew me back then would tell you I had an extreme fondness for long sleeve shirts and pants. I never wore anything that was short sleeves or low cut. I couldn't. The marks were there and I was shamed and scared of what someone would say. I also was sure that if someone asked where they came from and if I gave the wrong answer, it might get a whole lot worse. So, long everything was the order of every day...
He never questioned my change in dress. It was like he expected it to happen and that was the way he wanted it.
I hadn't been wrong about one other thing either... It seems the day I started hiding the bruises he gave me, the more bruises I was on the receiving end of.
Over time I became his human punching bag. There was never a set reason as to why he did it; he just did. Bruises on my legs, bruises on my arms, bruises on my chest, bruises to the person I was... Yes, I had them...
There were good times though.
Whenever he went to sea the girls and my life changed. There would be more laughter and we seemed to enjoy each other more. The fear that always seemed to be in our eyes when Mike was around was gone and in it's place warm loving fun. We would go out and visit friends more and now, that I look at it seems like ordinary people. His being out to sea allowed us the normalcy that I suppose comes with real life and not that of an abusive one.
Our friends were few and were not told of this secret we had. Whenever they looked at us they saw Mike as the smiling, generous man who would do anything for anyone. We were the picture perfect family. They did not and could not be told of what went on...
If I said something considered stupid in front of them or the punching and shoving that took place when were behind our own closed doors. Being in the Navy community I played all the games to get ahead - and at the same time try and keep him happy. I was an Ombudsman for several commands and interacted with Commanding Officer and Executive Officers and their wives.
They never knew either... While I was helping the spouses within their command.
I was not helping myself...
Along with the bruises and broken bones came trips to the hospital. I knew every excuse that could be thought of as to how this bruise happened or how that rib became cracked. When a
DR would question me, I would have an answer ready before asked. I had rehearsed it in my mind the whole way there.. I was a master storyteller and one that as years went by became the most believable of all.
I can't tell you the number of cracked ribs I had, because there were too many,..
I can't tell you the number of swollen/bruised parts of my body that the medical profession
saw, there were too many...
I can't tell you the number of times I wanted to say something because...
There were too many...
There were times I wanted to tell him I was leaving and he was on his own. He had warned me though. He had taken his vows with me seriously and would never let me go...
I often dreamed of stealing away into the night with the kids and him not being able to find us... I dreamed
of how I would love getting the phone call.. How I would greet the military personnel at my door
and them telling me something had happened and he was dead. I know those things sound cruel, but I wanted to live and I believed that if I stayed with him I wouldn't for long. I needed to support my children, but the cost of living with him was far higher then what money was coming in...
Over the years the terror was not only something the body was a part of, but the mind too. I became agoraphobic - fear of the market place - and my life became a further hell.
I was virtually afraid of my own shadow. I went to the grocery store late at night when it was less crowded, drove very, very, very little and didn't do much except soak in the 4 walls of the quarters of the military housing project we lived in.
The fear he had put me had paid off. I didn't look in mirrors, go to many school functions or in one word - LIVE.
I didn't know what was wrong with me until I watched Oprah one day.
Thank you Oprah!
She had a show on agoraphobia and I saw myself in it. When Mike came home I told him I needed to see a Dr. right away. When he asked why I told him and he didn't like it much, but I knew I had to be seen. I never told any of the therapists I saw what was happening at home, so I never seemed to get healed or into recovery. They tried meds, biofeedback and more, but it just did not work..
Little did we all know if they got rid of the animal I was living with it would go away..
Over the years the abuse became as much a part of the household as baking a cake in the oven. I would cringe every time he came home and wonder if and what would set him off. It bothered me most not that I was getting hit, but my 2 girls had to witness it being done. I had watched enough programs on TV to know that what was happening was affecting them now and would years to come. My youngest daughter would try and jump in between us as he did what came normal to him. Both would yell and scream for him to stop and sometimes he did.. Other times he would start the verbal abuse on them until I once again could get his attention back on me. I didn't want them to remember him doing it to them, it was bad enough that it was happening to me... Physically, my body went to hell. My weight blossomed to close to 200 lbs. My hair went
Unbrushed and I looked battered and tattered. If there was something to be eaten I did. I became a junk food junkie.
There was something that I had control of. Why look like the models on TV,
I didn't have a reason and was not deserving to be treated like they were.
I deserved to be treated the way I was by this man.
I was dumb,
I was stupid,
I didn't do anything right...
After many years in Norfolk, we were assigned to a ship that was being built in Brunswick, Maine. It was there that we found out my oldest daughter was anorexic. She too had found something she had control of.. She was seen by a
DR and we put her into therapy. Still, our secret was to be kept by the 4 of us... And she continued to have problems getting the weight to come on.. This nightmare was eating not only me, but my children as well...
We ended up back in San Diego and eventually things started to change. Mike was gone a lot more again and life became good. The less time we had to spend with him, made the girls and I happy. The oldest began to gain weight and I loose it. Once again there was laughter when he wasn't around.
During that time my girls were kids once again and I savored every moment of it. While back in San Diego we started up old friendships again and made new ones. Some of the friends we made were people that worked for Mike, while others like ourselves were
Navy who had been assigned to the San Diego area. It was meeting these new friends and having the old friends that made my world change.
The world I loathed and detested was soon to become a thing of the past...
A girlfriend and I decided one day that we needed to make a road trip. Another female friend had gotten out of the navy and was living in phoenix and we needed to go see her. it took a lot to persuade Mike that I needed to go, but in the end I won out.
Becky and I got in the car and off we rode.. Being away from him was like a dream come
true..
All the way there we sang songs at the top of our lungs, laughed and talked. Never about that private secret though... That stayed within me... At least for a
little while... When we got to Phoenix we rented a hotel room and we all drank, swam and acted like kids.. It was relaxing and the most fun I had in years. One night we were all sitting around talking and everyone was taking turns being in the hot seat. I thought I was going to be the one who would not have to answer the unanswerable questions, but I was not to be so fortunate.
April was the one who brought up something I never though would be brought up... The Abuse... She said she knew it had been going on and she wanted to know for a fact if it had... I didn't deny it for the first time ever and it felt good not to have to. It was freeing... I answered all their questions, but asked that they not say anything to anyone... All they wanted me to do was leave him...
After I returned home from that weekend I felt as though I had lifted the world off my shoulders... When he ranted and raged it didn't seem to affect me as much.. Someone knew... I also became an AOL freak and loved the time I spent on the computer. it took me away from him and into another world. I spent as much time as I could on it... Someone knew... Mike didn't like my new attitude much and he became gruffer. He told me he did not like the person I was becoming and that I had better hurry out of this "mid-life crisis "
I was going through.
Mid-life crisis, no; being free; yes... I even had talked him into getting me a convertible to drive around in... There also had been another change in my life... Something that in the end would save me...
On July 25th of last year Mike found out something that I had kept hidden from him... Something I was not proud of, but had helped me change how I thought of myself... Please do not anyone think badly of me, but through AOL I found someone who thought I was cute and sexy and smart and, and, and... Someone who knew of my situation and was there for me... He wanted to report Mike, but I told him no.. The fear of Mike knowing made me see images of myself in a coffin.. I explained to him that Mike would kill me if the secret was told.. Someone who saw the bruises and made love to me all the same... He thought I was all that and I believed him... For the first time in 17 years I felt human and special...
and most importantly...
loved...
BREAKING FREE - PART 2
The night Mike found out we had been at some friends and came home. I went up and checked my Email and my pal that we had just left was on. She told me that Mike had told her hubby that he knew about my affair. She told me to get out and get out NOW. Little did I know Mike was right behind me reading the words..
I jumped from my chair and headed for the stairs... He beat me to it. He dragged me down a flight of stairs and continually beat on me.... He tried choking me, punched my ribs, my kidneys, grabbed my arms, my legs... My body was a battle ground and he was going to make sure he mined it good... I was punched in the pelvis 50 times,
A kerosene lamp fell off a table and I got kerosene in my eyes.. He broke my glasses, pulled my hair.. I thought he was going to kill me....
He put his hands around my neck and tried to make me stop breathing, but I resisted... Finally after begging and more beating then you ever could imagine possible he let me go..
I made him believe that the kerosene was blinding me and I needed to see a DR ASAP!!!! I told him I was going to go to our oldest daughters... He said he would take me to the hospital if I changed my ripped shirt and torn pants and kept my mouth shut.. I told him she could take me...
Some way, somehow I was able to drive the 15 minutes to her house. I had left a message on her answering machine and prayed she'd be there when I got there. God must have been driving the car that night because I don't remember anything except leaving the house and sitting on her couch...
I am not a heavy religious person but that night I became one...
She was there when I got there and I did make it safely... My daughter called the cops after I got there. They told her she had to drive me back to a shopping center about 3 blocks from the house; we were in 2 different cities. She got me out to the car and we traveled the 15 minutes to there. When we arrived there were 5 squad cars waiting for us.
To be honest I don't remember a lot about that time. I was in shock and all the world seemed a lil strange... Some way, somehow the story of what had happened was told and they left to get him... He had ran before they got there... He had hit the road and made tracks..
He was gone and on the run.. Meanwhile I was sent to a local hospital...
They didn't want to move me from my daughter's car because they were afraid of any injuries that I may have sustained, so she drove me in... At the hospital, I was nameless. The policy there was that any Domestic Violence Victims not be identified.. It was done for the sake of the victim... The attacker would not know she was there...
One of the officers had come with us to the hospital and had to ask me questions..
As they were doing so -- and I was not much help at all -- my husband called. The officer asked for his version of the story and his explanation was that "my lover " had done it... The officer asked where he was and he would not say; he refused to turn himself in...
My daughter tried to talk to him and it didn't work... My youngest daughter was with him and she didn't believe it had happened; he had made her believe that it was all my fault...
My world was coming to an end piece by piece... The DR did a thorough examine and the cop and my daughter were there for me thru it all...
The end result was that I had 3 broken ribs and a bruised larynx.
It was while I was at the hospital that they took pictures of the bruises that seemed to cover my body... You could clearly see the ones where he tried to strangle me with his hands. they were around my neck... The ones in the pelvic region were there too..
My arms, my legs, my body.. bruises every where...
I remember hearing the click of the camera as it took shots of them..
I was released after 5 hours.
My daughter took me home along with some heavy duty pain killers.. The pain I was starting to have would be limited, but that in the mind not so... My body shook uncontrollably and I could not make it stop. I woke up sweating.
I wanted to go home and more importantly I needed to tell the man I was seeing that Mike was on the loose. After what he had done to me, he was capable of anything...
After a few hours of sleep I did go home. I looked at the mess he had made packing up his stuff. I felt uncomfortable being there, but knew I had to be.
No longer was he going to make a victim of me.
I called Brian and told him what had happened. We agreed to meet in a few days, but first he needed to set a safety net for himself. I asked him to keep me informed and he said he would...
Mike did pay a trip over to see him. The people at the hotel had moved his room and so he couldn't see him. Mike also called him, but it got him nowhere. Mike was out to hurt any and everyone I knew. He contacted friends and threatened them and lashed out at my oldest daughter.
He called her and told her he wished he had finished the job he started with me...
Through my youngest daughter we found he was hiding on the base... It took 5 days to catch Mike.
He tried to commit himself to a mental ward saying he was not mentally competent when he did what he did. He lied to the police and the Navy. He made the world feel as though my affair was the one thing that caused him to do what he did... He initially was charged with 5 counts and later it was brought to 2.
More on that later...
Mike was taken to jail and was kept there for 72 hours. The court released him to the Navy. After 23 years this fit of violent rage had cost him his career. The base put him on restriction and put out a restraining order. The courts also had put a 3 year stay away order on him.
He was assigned an attorney and I was dealing with domestic violence detectives. I was asked a lot of questions about that night. I was asked about what he did and how he did it. I was asked many more questions about the affair I was having. This supposedly was to be my downfall... The
attorney's. were going to try and make it look like it was my fault. They would try and plea bargain...
I felt like my world had flipped upside down...
They did end up plea bargaining with him. 2 counts, one misdemeanor domestic violence and the other for threatening to kill me... the result of that was: 20 days community service, 3 years probation, 1 year of anger management classes, no firearms for 10 years, and a small fine...
For 15 years of abuse this was it... What was worse was/is that if he behaves himself and follows what the court says his record will be wiped clean in one year...
15 years and this is it... Our divorce was final April 15th.
Life has changed drastically for me.
I now weigh 120 lbs. I have lost contact with the the man who helped me get out
of my abuse.. I owe him so much.. I was diagnosed with PTSD - Post Traumatic Stress Disorder - and there are times when it does hit me. I am currently
working on a book that talks of my walking alone... On July 1st 2000, I married a
man who is the most gentle of souls.. He has joined me in my fight to END
THE MADNESS!! (Dan, THANK YOU!!) I have stopped the cycle of violence in my life..
The agoraphobia left me the day Mike did !!!!
It still isn't easy though...
After being controlled all those years some days I feel as though I am lost. I have to rebuild myself into someone I like. There are days when I wonder what and when and how and why...
I get scared and confused and wonder if I am going to make it...
The bruises he put on my body are gone, but the ones inside still come out sometimes..
I am a survivor though.
I want to end this with a message to all who read this page.
I am not Nicole Simpson brown or a movie star, I am a woman like any other.
There are a lot of stories out there just like mine..
I told this to you so that maybe, just maybe someone will get out long before I did...
For those of you who are still victims you have my prayers and my heart...
For those who have gotten out I walk proudly beside you...
For those who abuse, please help yourself and the person you say you love, get help NOW..
For the rest of you.. God bless and take care..
Please contact me at
TEAMCaresCOORD..
I am Coordinator of a online group called TEAMCARES; a place where Together Efforts Are Made.. TEAMCARES will help you understand that you will never have to
Walk Alone like I did.. Please visit our new new pages at www.TEAMCares.com
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