I don't know how late it was when I got back to the hotel. I had lost all track of time, it no longer seemed to matter to me. I asked the doctor not to call the guys and to let me tell them, I had a few messages to deliever. When I reached the floor that we were staying on, my heart almost stopped. This was it. They were about to find out and once I said it, it would be true. He would be gone.
I walked over to Caitlins door and knocked lightly. I wanted to tell her first because I had begun to feel gulity about not taking her to the hosptial with me. At least that way she could have said good-bye. Which I didn't even get to do because I was too busy trying to get him to stay alive. Caitlin arrived at her door and saw my tears.
"Brian what's wrong?" she asked.
"I just got back from the hospital, Nick died," I answered.
"No!! He can't be dead! I just saw him a few hours ago! He told me that he was going to be alright. We were going to raise our family," she said sliding down to the floor. I sat down next to her.
"He wanted me to tell you that he loved you with all his heart and that you were perfect for him. He wished that he could be with you," I told her.
"You were there?" she asked.
"Yeah, I went to the hospital because I was worried about Nick. I talked his doctor into letting me stay with him," I told her, "he died shortly after that. The doctor said that there was internal damage and that he was slowly dying when he got to the hospital. He told his doctor not to say anything because he wanted to tell us, but he didn't. He just made me promise that I would make them pull the plug, but he had already told the doctor other wise I would have had him revived. I'm not ready to let him go."
"He's really gone," Caitlin said inbetween sobs. I knew how she felt. I had been crying for so long. I haven't stopped since he died. Something wasn't letting me. No matter how hard I tried, more tears still came.
"We have to tell the others."
"You do it. I just want to stay in my room for a little while and take it in alright?" she said to me. I nodded and got up off of the floor then extended my hand to help her up. She went back into her room and I was off to spread the news. I knew I couldn't handle telling them all individually so I knocked on all of their doors. One by one they stepped into the hallway. AJ, Howie and then Kevin.
"He died," I said softly.
"Nick?" AJ questioned. I nodded, there wasn't much else I could do but cry. AJ closed his eyes and I saw a tear escape.
"How long ago?" Kevin asked.
"Maybe an hour or so."
"And it took them that long to tell us?!?" he yelled.
"Kev relax. I was there when he died. I asked the doctor to let me tell you guys. I just wasn't able to bring myself here. I knew that once I told you guys, it would be real. He'd be gone."
"What happened to him? He seemed like he was doing alright," Howie mentioned.
"There was internal damage. He was slowly dying since the say the arrived at the hospital," I told them.
"So why didn't doctors tell us that?" AJ yelled
"Nick told him that he wanted to do it," I answered, "but the doctor was the one that ended up telling me. All Nick said to me was that if he got worse he wanted me to tell the doctors to pull the plug."
"And you did?" Howie asked.
"No, Nick had already told the doctor not to revive him. You know I would have had the doctor try and help him. He wasn't ready to die. Not yet."
"Do his parents know?" Kevin asked.
"Yeah, the doctor called them. I couldn't talk to them."
"How about Caitlin?"
"Yeah, she just wanted to be alone. This really hurt her." That had to be one of the hardest nights of all of our lives. We lost one of our brothers. When I went back to my room, my crying awoke Leigh and I had to tell her the heartbreaking news. I'm not sure what she said to me after that. My mind was some place else. Nick was gone, I couldn't come to terms with that.
A few days later I found myself getting ready for Nicks funeral. I had to force myself to go. This was our final good-bye to him. To the guy that had made such a great impact on our lives. He was my best friend, my brother. I cried uncontrolably at the services. I listened to Caitlins tearful words as she spoke about Nick. She talked about how Nick was a dedicated soul with a kind heart. He loved everyone and would do anything for those he loved.
Everyone in attendence was crying. Nicks family was there. They looked so hurt, I knew how they felt, we all did. Friends were there that we had made on the road to achieveing our dream. People from Nicks past who supported him were there. There was just so many people there saying good-bye. It seemed unreal.
After the service, we had to drive to the cemetary. When we arrived we all gathered around. Kevin had his arm around my shoulder while I cried. I could see the hurt in his eyes but he wasn't letting it out. I looked over at AJ, he was crying openly. He looked over at me and nodded. We watched as his grave was covered with dirt. Everyone had begun to leave. Soon it was just me and Caitlin.
We both looked at his grave but didn't dare say anything to each other because we knew that it would start the tears all over again. I kneeled down and ran my fingers over his name which was carved into the stone. Then I closed my eyes tightly hoping to stop the tears. That's when I felt a hand on my shoulder. I looked up to see Caitlin crying.
"He said that he would never leave me but he's gone," she said softly, "How could he do this to me?"
"He left all of us Caitlin. I lost my best friend so I know how painful this is. It was better off this way," I said and she looked at me questioningly, "he was in pain. At least now he doesn't have to suffer."
"But our child will," she said to me.
"No, you have me and AJ, Kevin and Howie. We are all going to be there for you. We'll look after you two," I answered softly.
"I know but it's not the same. The baby needs a father, but his father died on us."
"Nick is with you, he's with all of us. We just have to keep his memoary alive. We can talk to the baby and tell him or her about what a great father they had and how much he would have loved them but he was taken to heaven where he's watching," I told her.
"It's not the same."
"I know, I know," I said standing up to hug her, "nothing will ever be the same. We just have to move on and hope that we are all strong enough to pull through this."
"What if we're not?"
"We will be, I'm sure that Nick is making sure of that right now," I informed her, "he wouldn't want anyone of us driving ourselves crazy over this."
"I miss him," she cried.
"I miss him too. We all miss him. He was someone that was a one of a kind. We will never be able to replace him."
"Would we want to?" she asked me softly.
"No, never." She nodded and began to walk away from the grave. I took a long look at it. It still didn't seem real that he was gone. He was just with us a week ago. I felt another tear roll down my cheek and I walked away.
That was a year ago. It's been a long hard year for everyone. Caitlin had a son and named him after Nick. I'm the godfather and I look after this kid like he was my own because as far as I'm concered, I owe at least that to Nick. Kevin, Howie and Kevin are also very much involved in this kids life. It's kind of like we are still with a part of Nick when we are around him. I find a lot of comfort in that.
It also helps me to know that I'm helping Nick. I know that sounds a little crazy, but think about it. I'm taking care of his son because he can't be around to do it. I feel at peace when I'm with Nickolas jr.. It's like Nick did leave his legacy. He will always be remembered. Not just for what he did musically, but through his family.
Like I said, it's been hard, but we've made it. It really helps having four other people around that know what you're going through. We all know the same pain and wonder the samethings. We offer each other so much support, I don't think that any of us could have survived without it. I feel that our common pain helped us to talk to each other. I still haven't completely moved on though. Sometimes I still find myself crying. I miss him, we all do. Caitlin and I have gone to see his grave so many times, but we are still just beginning to accept that he's gone.
THE END
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