Dear Diary,
I know it seems a bit childish to still be keeping a diary, but Nick never seemed to want to be there for me. He never cared about how I felt, or what I thought. So I guess that this was the best place for me to let all this bottled up emotion out. Now that I think about it, Nick never really cared about me even though he made it painfully obvious. I can't believe that I was blind to the fact that he was a total jerk. He never loved me, I was just a play thing in his mind. I guess I wanted him to love me so badly that I actually convinced myself that he did, boy wasn't that a dumb move on my part. He never remembered my birthday, our anniversary, nothing. I guess I just figured that it was a male thing, that just because he was a guy he didn't care about these kinds of things, but I guess thats a little stero-typical of me. It's been a few days since me and AJ started seeing each other and I can honestly say that things have been a lot better with him then they ever were with Nick. He shows me love and kindness something that Nick would never do. AJ really cares about me, I know he does, I can tell by the way that he treats me. When I think about it, I kind of feel quilty. I might be the cause of fights between the two of them when they are on the road. I hurts me to think about this because I don't want that to happen. Then again, Nick brought this on himself, but AJ, he didn't do anything to desirve any kind of problem. I'm a little worried about Anthony. He seemed to somehow escape all of us involved. I don't want him to think that I am replacing his father with another man because I'm not. I just hope that when he's old enough he'll realize that. I just hope and pray that all of this works out for the best.
Jen.
Jen put her pen down and sighed. She stood up and began to put her diary away when she heard the doorbell. It was probably AJ and she was glad because her home had become very lonely. Nick may not have cared, but he was there.
"Hey," she said as she opened the door and saw AJ.
"Hi," he said and kissed her cheek.
"I was thinking, how are you and Nick going to deal with this when you go back on the road? I know he's gonna be pissed."
"Look," he said as he wrapped his arms around Jen, "Nick will get over this. He won't dare mess with me. 'Cause he knows that I don't play."
"I hope you're right," Jen said as she felt AJ place soft kisses on her neck.
"Don't worry, I am," he said and smiled. She felt him tighten his grip on her, she smiled. It amazed her how safe his arms felt. It wasn't as empty as it was with Nick. Jen sighed, as she heard Anthony cry.
"I'll be right back," Jen said as she felt AJs arms come off of her. Disappointed, Jen headed up to Anthonys room. She smiled at her son, he was the best gift that Nick had given her. He was the only thing that made her relationship with Nick worth the hell she went through while she was in it.
Jen went over to Anthony and picked him up. She walked over to the changing table and picked up the bottle that she had placed there earlier. Jen gave it to Anthony and then heard a knock at the door.
"I got bored," AJ said.
"Well, there isn't anything to interesting going on here," Jen said softly looking at her son.
"Maybe there is."
"What's that then?"
"A mother who loves her son more than anything in the world. Whats interesting is watching a strong, young mother. So many people would give up if they were in your position, but you, you don't give up, thats a great quality to have," AJ said.
"You think so?" she asked starting to notice that Anthony was falling asleep in her arms.
"Yeah, that, and you really are a great mother."
"Thank you, I figured he had a crappy father so he may as well have the best mother."
"Hey, I was thinking, maybe we could go out and do something tonight."
"AJ," Jen said walking over to the crib and then gentally placed Anthony inside, "Who am I supposed to leave him with?"
"Your mom, maybe even Nick."
"Nick? Please! He wouldn't know the first thing about taking care of a baby! Besides, I don't know where be is, not like that matters. He wouldn't take him anyway."
"He's his son..."
"I know," she interupted, "but I also know that he thinks Anthony was a mistake."
"Jen, don't say that."
"It's true, I know it is. When I told Nick that I was pregnant, he told me to get an abortion. He said that if it got out that he had a baby, it would ruin his career. When I tried to tell him that I was going to keep it, he didn't want to hear it. He said it was out of the question."
"Jen... I... I didn't know," AJ stuttered, shocked.
"No one does. Thats not something I go around telling everyone that I know."
"What happened when you didn't get rid of the pregnancy?"
"He got really angry," Jen said then paused to think, "I was actually fearful for my life."
"Did he hit you?"
"Yes," she answered, starting to cry. AJ walked over to her and put his arms around her.
"It's okay, I'm here."
"What's wrong with me AJ?"
"Nothing. Absolutly nothing. You are the most perfect woman that I have ever met. You're beautiful, strong, caring, a wonderful mother, intellegent and so much more."
"Then why didn't Nick love me?"
"Nick is a jerk. A total ass hole if you ask me. There was no reason for him to hit you and in my book, that makes him a complete jerk."
"How come I was so stupid? Why did I wait for him to cheat on me to do something?"
"I think you really loved him. Also the fact that he is the father of your baby made you want to stay with him. Or maybe it was fear, you were afraid to leave. The chance that you might fail scared you. I know that feeling, but you got away and that's all that matters now."
"I'm scared," Jen said through her tears.
"You don't have to be scared, I'm here and thats all over."
"But what if he comes looking for me?"
"He won't."
"How do you know? He caught us in bed together! Did you hear how pissed he was??"
"Yes, but look, he won't dare get near you. I'll make sure of it." Jen just cried. AJ didn't know that any of this was going on and he was shocked to find out that it was. Jen and Nick always looked so happy when they were together.
"AJ, maybe we shouldn't go out..."
"Damn Jen, what are you doing to me??"
"What?"
"First your trusting me with all these secrets that no one else know, you come crying to me and on top of that, you slept with me! How am I supposed to react to this?"
"AJ, I just don't want to cause any trouble, you know, with you and Nick. I don't want to be the reason that you guys are fighting."
"Me and Nick are gonna fight no matter what because I sure as hell am not going to sit back and do nothing knowing what he did to you."
"AJ, it's over, you said so yourself.."
"For you, but whats going to stop him from doing this to another girl?"
"AJ no, Nick said if I told anyone about what he did, he would make me regret it."
"He won't do anything."
"Alright," she said trying to believe him.
"Just how bad was it?"
"Bad AJ. You know how days would go by and you wouldn't see me? It was because Nick beat me up. Not only was this abusive physical, but it was mental. He would call me a slut and put me down, it hurt a lot."
"Jen, you should have told someone."
"I couldn't."
"Why not?"
"Because Nick was always around when I was on the phone. I couldn't talk to any of my friends with him knowing who I was talking to and what I was talking about."
"Rememer the time we were alone at the album release party?" AJ asked.
"Yeah."
"Why didn't you tell me then?"
"I was scared and I was pregnant. I knew that you would do something about it and I wanted my baby to have a daddy."
"Alright, I can understand that, but if Nick was hurting you, you should have known that you and your baby could have been in danger."
"Look, you know now, I'm not with him anymore, so please lets just drop this."
"Okay, you're right. So what do we do now?"
"Well, I think we work on us."
"I think thats a good idea."
"So are we seeing each other? Do you still even like me?"
"Yeah, of course I like you. I want to keep seeing you if thats what you want."
"That's what I would like, so lets forget about my past with Nick and lets talk about our furture together."
Chapter 4
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