One dark night, Mick sat in his spunk filled room (well, 20 groupies had just left) and thought to himself.
"Shawly there's more to laif than doin' fings to gels?" he wondered aloud.
"Wew, we could traiy savin' the world!" Dave suggested as he snogged the last of his groupies goodbye.
"'Ow?" Mick asked.
"Ooh, didja 'urt yersewf?" Dave asked, confused.
"Nah, you twit! Raight. Wot can we caw oursewves? An' befow you saiy ennyfink, the 'Ardy Boys is awready taiken..." Mick told him.
"Oh, baggah. Raight, le's fink. I KNAW!" Dave realised as a lightbulb flashed above his head.
"Wot?" Mick asked, bored.
"Wew, I'll be 'OreMan, an' you can be SpankMan!" Dave decided.
"Spank?" Mick asked, his eyes gleaming.
"No, not SPANK, spank!" Dave told him wearily.
"Ohhh..." Mick realised.
"An' Raiy can be ApeMan, an' Pete can be GreenMan!" Dave decided.
"HAHAHAHAAAAA! Nevah cross the road when the green man's flashin'!" Mick laughed dirtily.
"Nah, the green man an' red man traffic fings ain't been invented yet yer big plonkah!" Dave answered. "An' our two beautifuw assistants can beeee........" he paused, deep in thought.
"Mmm, Greta Garbo an' Ursula Andress!" Mick drooled.
"I was finkin' more along the lains of Sp-em and Sp-ev," Dave answered.
"Okaiy!" Mick agreed with a Plastic Smile. "They can be cawed ChocolateGel an' GreenGel!" he suggested.
"Perfect!" Dave agreed. "Naw, jast lemme finish these few groupies orf, an' we can begin our adventures!"
"Sp-em! Sp-em!" WhoreMan called as he burst into her room. Meanwhile SpunkMan was busy bursting into Sp-ev's room calling, "Sp-ev! Sp-ev!"
"What is it, darling Davida?" Sp-em asked, sitting up in bed and rubbing her eyes. She reached for her glasses and put them on.
"Mick and I are super'eroes, you're gonner be our saidekicks! You'w be GreenGel 'cos o' yaw beautifuw green eyes. Sp-ev's gonner be ChocolateGel 'cos o' 'er eyes!" he announced proudly.
"Oooh! GreenGirl! I like the sound of it!" Sp-em shouted excitedly. "What's your name then, Davida?"
"WhoreMan."
GreenGirl giggled dirtily. "Oooh, WhoreMan, what are your powers?"
WhoreMan giggled dirtily as well. "Guess I'd bettah shaw ya, eh?"
Just as WhoreMan was about to show GreenGirl his amazing superpowers, ChocolateGirl and SpunkMan burst into the room and declared together, "Let's be off to get ApeMan and GreenMan and save the world!!"
"Sounds great!" GreenGirl agreed. WhoreMan pouted.
"I was gonner shaw yah my powahs!" Then he whispered in GreenGirl's ear, "I'll shaw yah latah termorrah naight!"
"Wiw we be abuw ter flaiy?" he asked, jumping up out of bed.
"Sure, with these special flying tablets Keith Moon gave me! They're called French Blues!" she answered with a snigger.
"Oooh, clevah!" Pete, er, GreenMan replied.
"I'm going to be ChocolateGirl cos of my brown eyes, Sp-em's going to be GreenGirl cos of her green eyes, and you're going to be GreenMan! Ray will be ApeMan and Dave will be WhoreMan!" she told him.
"Wiw Mick be PlasticMan?" Pete asked. Sp-ev shook her head.
"No, indeed, but he shall be SpunkMan!" she replied.
"Oh, I see, that's niace," Pete told her. "Wot der we do?"
"We spread the message of love to people in the midst of a hate filled world," she answered.
"She means we go around doing rude things," Sp-em explained.
"Wot, laik makin' v-saigns ter old peepuw?" Pete asked.
"Not quait..." Mick giggled. Sp-ev fainted in shock.
"Wot's ap wiv 'er?" Dave asked. Sp-em shrugged.
"Mick giggled," she explained. Everyone understood.
"'Ey, we'll 'ave ter go an' get Raiy! An' THEN we'll 'ave ter go an' faind a tailor 'oo'll maik sam super'ero autfits for as!" Pete realised. "Bat o' cowse 'e'll 'ave ter be abuw ter keep a secret!" he added, significantly.
"Cor blimey, Pete, you're riaght!" Dave agreed. "Can yer waik Sp-ev ap, samone? She fell on my feet an' I'm losin' feelin' in 'em!" he explained. Pete bent down and kissed Sp-ev on the cheek.
"Wake ap, Sp-ev, we're goin' on an adventure!" he whispered.
"An adventure? HURRAH!" she yelled happily. "Let's go and get Ray!" she decided as she leapt outside (she was getting into the superhero mode of dashing, leaping and bounding, yet keeping to the helpless female role of fainting in shock) and dashed (see?) over to Ray's tree-house, where he was eating bananas like an ApeMan...
"Sp-em!" WhoreMan yelped. He knelt down next to her, then picked up the banana peel and flung it far away. "Raiy, ya twit, ya nearly kiwed my favourite gel on Earf! Wotch wot yer do!"
"Oh, Davida!" Sp-em sighed and placed herself in Dave's arms. WhoreMan protectively carried her into Ray's tree-house. GreenMan, SpunkMan, and ChocolateGirl followed them up into Ray's abode.
"We're all superheroes you know," Sp-ev began to tell Ray as soon as she was settled in Pete's lap.
"Yeah, I thought of it," WhoreMan smiled, cuddling with GreenGirl.
"Heeeeeee! You're so smart, my little Davida!" she grinned and cuddled him back.
"Oh? An' am I invowved in 'is in any waiy a'tall?" Ray inquired.
"Yeah, yaw meant ta be ApeMan," GreenMan told him.
"Mmm? Sounds goo'," ApeMan agreed. "When do we staht?"
"As soon as WhoreMan and GreenGel stop cuddlin' each ovvah an' as soon as GreenMan an' ChocolateGel stop snoggin' each ovvah," SpunkMan sighed. Naturally, his doing anything that required movement was very shocking and brought the two couples out of their cuddling and snogging.
"C'mon, let's go on an adventure!" ChocolateGirl decided, dragging everyone out of the tree-house.
"Mis-adventure," ApeMan corrected her before gobbling another banana.
"Any aidiahs of wot kainda adventure - " WhoreMan began.
"Mis-adventure" ApeMan interrupted.
"Yeah yeah. Wew?" he asked.
"Well... Hey, listen!" ChocolateGirl yelled excitedly.
"What?" GreenGirl asked. "All I can hear is..." she stopped short and stared at ChocolateGirl in horror.
"JANIS JOPLIN!" they cried in anguish.
"HELP!" ChocolateGirl cried.
"H for Harry!" yelled GreenGirl.
"E for Ergent!" ChocolateGirl added.
"L for... Love me!" GreenGirl shrieked.
"And P for... Please! Help!" they cried together.
"Waitaminute, Yellow Submarine hasn't been made yet!" GreenMan told ChocolateGirl, confused.
"Well, not to worry, it's a great quote!" she answered breezily.
"Hmph, wotevah. Wot der we do abaht it?" WhoreMan asked, pouting. GreenGirl stifled a squeal.
"We have to stop whoever it is from contaminating the nice clean air around us with the nasty yikky sounds of JANIS JOPLIN!" she explained, worried.
"Preeeeeeeecisely," ChocolateGirl agreed. "Any ideas, Greenie?" she asked.
"Which one?" GreenGirl and GreenMan asked. ChocolateGirl sighed.
"Well the one I've been snogging recently," she answered wearily.
"Wew, I fink I should go an' sing laik Mr Songbird," he began. Ray sniggered. "Cat it aut, you! I can sing perfectly wew!" he told him angrily.
"Calm down, we're meant to be saving the world from Janis Joplin!" ChocolateGirl reminded him.
"Wew, if it's saivin' yer want, I've got a plan," SpunkMan told them all. Everyone looked at him in shock.
"You've got a plan?!" GreenGirl asked, totally amazed. SpunkMan nodded and everyone fainted.
"Dunno wot it is, bat I jast 'AVE this effect on peepuw..." he muttered to himself as he set about waking everyone up.
GreenGirl bounced back to life and pulled WhoreMan up with her. "Alright, let's get to it, Davida!"
"'Ow are we gunna do it?" WhoreMan asked. "We need our super'eroey friends to 'elp us!"
"I'm 'ere!" ApeMan anounced as he leapt suddenly to a standing position. "Le's play my theme song an' drown out Janis!"
"Okay," SpunkMan mumbled.
"Wait, we need a bassist!" GreenGirl yelped. She looked down and saw ChocolateGirl snogging GreenMan
"Oh, well, anything to stop JJ!" ChocolateGirl remarked as she stood up and made GreenMan get his bass and play.
"A-one, two, three," GreenGirl and ChocolateGirl counted The Kinks in together. All at once everyone started to sing the chorus at the top of their lungs.
"I'M AN APEMAN, I'M AN APE APEMAN, OH I'M AN APEMAN! I'M A KING KONG MAN, I'M A VOODOO MAN, OH I'M AN APEMAN!"
Then Ray sang once again, "I'll be your Tarzan, you'll be my Jane! I'll keep you warm and you'll keep me sane! We'll sit in the trees and eat bananas all day, just like an ApeMan!" Needless to say, the evil wailing of Janis Joplin was soon diminshed and everyone cheered.
"Well, it was nothing, really, all we did was sing like ApeMan!" Ray told her.
"Oh, I think you're wonderful!" she told him. Then the street became flooded with people all congratulating the superheroes.
"Who did the bass playing, that was gorgeous!" a pretty, short, slim blond girl asked. ChocolateGirl glared at her.
"It was MY BOYFRIEND SO KEEP YOUR HANDS OFF, BITCH!" she yelled in a complete unsuperhero fashion.
"Oh, I see," she replied.
"But there's enough of me to go round!" GreenMan called, to which he received a dig in the ribs from ChocolateGirl. "Oof! Okay, I didn't mean it!" he assured her. She smiled.
"Good," she replied. Then she smacked her forehead.
"What's wrong?" GreenGirl asked.
"I know what I should've done! I should've gone up there and kicked the JJ record out of the record player like Jackie Chan!" ChocolateGirl replied. "HWAH HAAAAAHAAAAAAARRRRRGGGGGGG!" she screamed, doing a very strange martial arts impression. Everyone collapsed in fits of laughter. EVEN SPUNKMAN!
"ChocolateGel, you're dead funny!" he giggled.
"I made SpunkMan laugh... I'm not just funny... I'M A F***IN' GENIUS!" ChocolateGirl yelled to nobody in particular.
"What is it, Sp-em?" ChocolateGirl replied.
"We need to get our tailor-made outfits!"
ApeMan grinned widely. "I knaw jus' the plaice! 'S perfect! Made some super'eroey costumes for me friends Blackman an' the Big Boss!"
"Wow, le's go raight away!" WhoreMan agreed with his brother for once.
So, our six superheroes bounded down the streets once again in search of a tailor who could make them special pretty costumes. Why? Cos they're superheroes and all superheroes need special pretty costumes. With tights.
"Awwww, I don't wanna wear tights GreenGel!" WhoreMan pouted.
"But they look so GOOD on you!" GreenGirl insisted.
"Don't you mind, Greenie my love?" ChocolateGirl asked, feeling a little worried about the prospect of the love of her life not particularly MINDING wearing tights.
GreenMan giggled. "Well, dear gel, we all bend from taime to taime!"
Sp-ev sighed. "Phew, for a second there I thought you were going to burst into a charming rendition of 'I'm A Lumberjack'!"
"Naffink wrong wif lumberjacks..." Mick muttered under his breath.
"On Wednesdays I go shoppin' and have buttered scones for tea..." Ray sang softly. "'Ey! We're 'ere!" he suddenly cried out.
"Let's go in! Let's go in! Let's go in! Let's go in!" Sp-em shouted like a hyperactive two-year old who was also sugar high.
Our beloved superheroes dashed inside the tailor's. It was a quaint little shop, and the man running it was none other than... MICHAEL PALIN.
"MICHAEL PALIN!? AYEEEEEEEEEEE!" GreenGirl got all dizzy and fainted.
"Hello Ray, what's new, and why did this poor dear girl faint?" Michael asked, being the very proper man who speaks very proper English in a very proper soft-spoken voice that he is.
"'Ello Michael. I need you to maik us sam super'eroey autfits cos we're all super'eroes... an' I danno why Sp-em fainted."
"I know why!" ChocolateGirl piped up. "It's cos you're Michael Palin and she's in love with you."
"WOT?!" WhoreMan shouted sexily. "She's MIAN!"
"Main?" the PALIN asked cutely.
"No, not MAIN, MIAN! M-I-N-E, MIAN!"
"Oh, I see... well, it's alright, I don't WANT her to love me, you see... I've got someone else."
"'Oo?" everyone except GreenGirl asked in unison.
"Hiiiiiiiiiiiii!" called out Spatie as she walked into the room from the other room in the shop.
"Spa-tie!" Sp-ev shouted. "Your sister's fainted!"
Spa-tie shrugged. "It happens," she sighed.
"Because *I* am a grown up, and I have ceased fainting at the presence of attractive men," she replied indignantly. "I'll prove it," she offered. "Greenie, my love, say something," she requested.
"I fink we left those Milkybars in the microwave," he answered quickly. Sp-ev did not flinch. Everyone applauded, even GreenGirl, who was shocked into consciousness after not being joined by ChocolateGirl fainting!
"What on *earth* is that racket going on out there?" a smooth voice asked. Michael was joined by none other than the beautiful Mr Terence Jones, also of Monty Python fame!
ChocolateGirl fainted.
"You see wotchew dan?" GreenMan yelled angrily at Terry, who's lower lip started quivering. ChocolateGirl woke up.
"Greenie, don't be horrible to my Tewwy!" she scolded him, snogging Terry senseless. GreenMan gasped in horror. Terry went red due to the lack of oxygen. WhoreMan had to hold GreenMan back from hitting Terry.
"So, how can I help you?" Michael Palin asked, trying to ignore Terry's flailing arms. ChocolateGirl finally stopped snogging Terry, who gulped in as much air as he could take.
"I'm terribly sorry, Tel, I didn't mean to!" she told him, blushing. Terry shrugged.
"You just caught me unawares, that's all," he forgave her. "Now, where were we?" he inquired, grabbing ChocolateGirl and snogging her. She gave a little squeak. GreenMan turned a bright shade of green and his eyes bulged out of his head and he grew in stature by about seven feet in height and width, so that all his clothes ripped to shreds while they were still on him.
"How in the world will Sp-ev cope with this?" Spa-tie asked.
"She won't," GreenGirl replied matter-of-factly. Spev pulled away from Terry long enough to say:
"Fear not! My handsome, brave, and oh so rugged Terry will save me!" Upon the completion of these words, Terry gulped awkwardly and tried to laugh the suggestion off. He pointed to behind ChocolateGirl, who saw GreenMan with virtually no clothes on. Despite his now taller, wider and much greener form, she realised that she still adored him, although the shorter, darker haired, more Welsh Jonesy was distracting her a lot.
"Don't ask him that, Spev!" GreenGirl yelled.
"EH?" everyone asked.
"We share a head, I know what she's thinking!" she explained.
"Terry, are you wearing the orange y-fronts?" ChocolateGirl asked, regardless. Terry blushed and whispered "yes" to her. She let out another little squeak and dragged him off to the one of the dressing rooms.
"You can't take her ANYWHERE!" ApeMan complained.
"Well, let's measure you all while we're waiting for her, eh?" Spa-tie suggested.
Michaela Palín proceeded to take GreenGirl's measurements which, quite naurally, made her feel a little woozy. "The PALIN..." she sighed.
"Yes dear?" he asked. This made her collapse into his lovely strong arms. "Oh, dear..."
WhoreMan then proceeded to use his WhoreMan superpowers to revive her. (Actually, all he did was give her a quick snog, but it SOUNDS better to call it a superpower...) Sp-em woke up and Michael finished measuring her successfully.
Spa-tie, meanwhile, was having her own troubles with the newly-enlarged (er, don't take that the wrong way...!) GreenMan. "Um, would mind un-puffing a little bit, Pete?"
"Oh, sorry," he apologized and let loose a plug from inside his ear, making the air woosh out and leave him normal-sized. "There you are."
Suddenly Spev and Jonesy dashed out of the dressing room, looking a bit rattled. "Er... Tewwy's taken my measurements..." she giggled helplessly.
GreenMan looked as though he was going to puff up again, but couldn't because he'd forgotten to replace the plug in his ear. As a matter of fact, Spa-tie was holding it. "I'm almost done, hold on!" she yelled at him. He pouted.
Sp-ev wibbled. But she contained herself and started to choose fabric for their costumes. "Hey, Sp-em, what do you think of this stretchy stuff?"
"I like it!" she answered.
"Ooh, so do I!" SpunkMan said, and everyone fainted once again. "Bloody 'ell..." he murmured.
“You’re really gonna ‘ave ter stop faintin’ at ev’ryfin’ I cam aut wiv…” he pointed out, shaking ApeMan.
“Well if you’d staiy quait laik wot yahw meant to, then we wouldn’ ‘ave this problem!” ApeMan pointed out.
ChocolateGirl woke up in a state of confusion. “I just had this lovely dream I was doing rude things in a cubicle with Terry Jones and we did something unspeakable with a tape measure,” she declared. Everyone looked at the tape measure in Michael Palin’s hand and shuddered. Michael Palin dropped the tape measure like a hot potato and wiped his hands on his thighs in disgust. GreenGirl nearly fainted again but then decided that all SpunkMan’s hard work would have been in vain.
“Wot’ve you dan wiv ChocolateGel?” GreenMan asked, about to go all green and tall again. Terry smiled bashfully at him.
“I only took her measurements. She was just fidgety,” he replied quickly. “She’s a 42-“
“I don’ want you yellin’ mah gelfriend’s measurements ter the ‘ole bladdy WORLD!” GreenMan yelled.
“’S only AS!” WhoreMan pointed out. GreenMan shrugged.
“Proceed,” he ordered.
“‘EY! I don’t want my measurements being read out to the whole world, Tewwy. I thought that was just between you… and… me…” ChocolateGirl told him flirtatiously, running her hand down the front of his shirt. Terry gulped and quickly stood behind the counter. ApeMan heard him mutter desperately over and over again “John Cleese in suspenders, John Cleese in suspenders…”
“WHERE?!” GreenGirl squealed.
“Roger Daltrey naked, Roger Daltrey naked,” Terry mumbled.
“WHERE?!” Spat-ie demanded.
“Mick Jagger in an orgy, Mick Jagger in an orgy!” Terry finally yelled.
“URGH!” everyone screamed in horror. The gang ran out of the shop in terror.
“Wew, that was annavah completely fantastic idea of yahws, Ray, I DON’ fink!” GreenMan told him sarcastically.
“It’d’ve bin aw raight if the gels ‘adn’ gone aw… gellish in frant o’ Mahcuw an’ Terry!” ApeMan replied loftily.
“So it’s OUR fault?” GreenGirl and ChocolateGirl inquired, crossing their arms and looking annoyed. All at the same time, which freaked the other four out immensely.
“No, dahlin’, cowse not!” WhoreMan assured GreenGirl, hugging her. ChocolateGirl stole a kiss off GreenMan who was still annoyed about the cubicle escapade.
“Y’know you’re my one true love though, Greenie,” she whispered. He beamed at her.
“I knaw!” he replied casually.
“We’ve stiw got a problem abaht wot we’re gonna wear fer our super-‘eroey autfits, though,” ApeMan pointed out.
“Stuff that!” GreenGirl declared, looking flustered.
“Why?” everyone inquired, confused.
“I spy The Hollies walking down the road…” she squealed. ChocolateGirl screamed hysterically.
“TONY HICKS GET YOUR KIT OFF!” she yelled. GreenMan looked at her, hurt. “Oh Greenie, don’t worry, I’ll be back for you!” she promised, rushing over to Tony, followed by GreenGirl who had her eyes firmly fixed on Graham Nash.
“Did sumwun cahl meh?” Tony inquired in a broad Lancastrian accent.
“I’ve sed it befow an’ I’w saiy it ugenn. Yer cahn’t taik them gels ENNYWHERE!” ApeMan complained.
“Aw, they’re only bein’ FRIENDLY, Raiy!” WhoreMan defended them…
"Eh, niace to meet you, gels!" Graham said as he was hugged round the waist by GreenGirl.
"Oh, I love you I love you I love you and I want you to be mine forever!" she squealed.
Allan Clarke frowned. "I always fort I was tha cute one..."
"Wew, proves you wrong, dunnit?" Tony giggled, and ChocolateGirl instinctivally snogged him.
"Oh, you're still cute, but..." Sp-em sighed. "GRAHAM!"
"Wot?" he asked honestly.
"THAT WAS SO CUTE!" was all she said as she started to snog him.
Dave scratched his head and looked around in confusion. "She di'n't do THA' when she was wif Mahcuw..." He glanced at his brother. "Any aideahs?"
ApeMan shrugged. "Maybe she feews more comfortable wif Graham than wif Mahcuw--aftah oll, John Cleese's 'er favourite."
"Eurgh!" everyone except Sp-em yelled, but she was too busy kissing a certain Mr. Graham Nash to notice.
Tony seized the opportunity of Sp-ev's not having her mouth on his to say, "So ya'w super'eroes, then?"
GreenMan nodded, jealousy flashing in his eyes. "Yeah? Wot of it?"
Bobby Elliot, the behatted drummer, spoke slowly and carefully. "We're in trubbuw. King Midas in Reverse is tryin'a get us an' 's jus' not a good situation."
"Oh?" asked GreenMan, glaring daggers at Tony.
"Yeah," added Bernie Calvert (the one and only bassist!). "And th' worst part 's we dunno 'ow to get rid o' 'im."
SpunkMan nodded thoughtfully, then looked at ApeMan. ApeMan nodded and turned to GreenMan. GreenMan nodded and turned to WhoreMan. WhoreMan finally couldn't stand that HIS GreenGirl was snogging anyone other than HIM, ran over to her, and ripped her from Graham Nash's arms.
"Naaaaaashyyyyyyy," Sp-em wailed, tears welling up in her eyes and she found herself in the all-too-familiar position of being over Dave's shoulder.
"'S alright, babe: 'I have kissed you, now I'll miss you! On the road I'll be wanting you...'" Graham sang gloriously.
Allan elbowed him. "'EY! You ain't in Crosby, Stills, an' Nash yet!"
"Oh, surry," Graham apologized.
Bernie sighed. "There goes our chance of tryin'a get awaiy from King Midas in Reverse..."
"Nah, we'w 'elp ya!" ApeMan promised, smiling as his brother and GreenMan pouted.
"But RAIY!" they protested.
"Now, now... th' sooner we 'elp defeat 'im, the sooner you'w get your gels back!"
"Hmm," said GreenMan. "S'pose you're right."
"Murdock," Sp-ev muttered as she carried on kissing Tony. GreenMan's eyes flashed angrily... then, he continued normally.
"Wew, could be worse. She could've not even answered the in-joke!" Petida sighed.
"So, where is this King Midas in Reverse?" SpunkMan mumbled.
"Ovah there," answered Allan, pointing to a spooky castle that no-one had noticed even existed before.
“I feel really awful for askin’ this, but… I know
you’re a long cool woman who should by all rights be
wearing a black dress, but I don’t know your name!
And you kissed me so prettily!” he told her, his eyes
sparkling. ChocolateGirl nearly fainted. Good job
Mick wasn’t saying anything…
“It’s Sp-ev… ER! I mean, I didn’t say that… my name
is… of course, none other than ChocolateGirl!” she
informed him proudly.
“An’ ‘M GreenMan, ‘er BOYFRIEND,” GreenMan informed
him. Tony looked confused.
“No, he’s just a casual acquaintance!” ChocolateGirl
lied. “We’re friends who sometimes shag, I mean, er…
sometimes… er… play… chess!” she quickly corrected
herself.
“CHESS?!?!?!” GreenMan mouthed incredulously.
ChocolateGirl shrugged.
“To the castle!” Allan declared, growing tired of this
conversation. Sp-ev looked at him and realized he had
his 1966 tousled hair.
“Oooh, ’66 hair…” she swooned.
“SP-EV!” everyone complained.
“I can’t help it! I love ALL the Hollies!” she
protested. GreenGirl looked annoyed. “Well… I can’t
help it, Graham looks so cute with his ’67 goatee
beard!” she mumbled defensively.
“Thanks!” Graham beamed at her. Amidst all this
joviality (and swooning) everyone heard a noise. Sort
of a KERTHUMP
SSSSHHHHHHHHHHHHUFFNNNSSSSSHHHHH kind
of noise.
“OH BLOODY HELL NOT AGAIN!” a voice moaned. “I only
TRIED to flush the toilet!” Everyone stared at each
other.
“King Midas In Reverse!” Allan whispered.
“Tousely whispering…” ChocolateGirl swooned quietly.
“Everything he touches turns to dust,” Graham
explained.
“That’s not quite as economically viable as everything
he touches turning to gold, is it?” WhoreMan inquired
none-too-helpfully, still glaring at Graham.
“No,” Bobby finally replied after staring at WhoreMan
for some time in wonder. ‘Maybe it’s a lead guitarist
thing, maybe they’re all thick’ he thought to himself.
He glanced over at Tony who was busily trying to put
a freshly-plucked flower into ChocolateGirl’s hair.
‘Thick and tarty’ he decided. ‘Just like rhubarb
crumble and custard. Mmm, rhubarb crumble and
custard!’ he thought aloud, licking his lips in
anticipation. Bernie stared at him, bemused. “Er…
Mrs Elliott said she’d make some for tea,” he
explained hurriedly. Bernie nodded. SpunkMan liked
Bernie, he was just as quiet as SpunkMan himself was.
“DAVIDA!!!!” GreenGirl swooned. “A BIG WORD!” she
gasped.
“That’s not all…” he began, but ApeMan glared at him
to shut up.
“That’s him!” Tony declared.
“He’s a bit short, isn’t he?” SpunkMan inquired.
Everyone looked and had to agree. He was very short.
He had big brown eyes, pouty lips, skinny legs and
arms and looked cute enough to eat on a sandwich.
“I know him!” ChocolateGirl declared.
“Who is he?” Tony asked.
“It’s RONNIE LANE!!!” she squealed. “WONNIE! My
love, my darling Wonnie, how I love you so!” she
declared happily. GreenMan and Tony looked at each
other.
“Fickle,” they agreed, shaking their heads in despair.
“WAIT!” GreenGirl realized. “Surely she can’t go
over and snog HIM!” she pointed out.
“Why ever not?” Allan asked.
“Because everything he touches turns to dust!” she
replied, sure that people from Manchester were as
thick as pig-shit.
“Oh my god!” GreenMan and Tony realized.
“Oh my god!” WhoreMan, ApeMan and SpunkMan realized.
“OH MY GOD!” GreenGirl realized. “SAVE THE OHOMH!”
she yelled hysterically. “If anything happened to
her, then what would become of me?!?!” she asked.
“Wonnie!” they heard ChocolateGirl sigh contentedly.
“Spevvy, my darling, I knew you’d come back for me!”
King Midas in Reverse replied happily. They reached
their arms out to one another to share a snog they’d
not shared in years, completely forgetting in their
joy at seeing one another again that everything Wonnie
touched would turn to dust, in his hands. And that
included female superheroey type people…
"There's only one thing I can do to save the OHOMH!" GreenGirl suddenly realized. "And I'm afraid it's true!"
"What's that?!" everyone else asked anxiously.
"SP-EV! It's NOT Ronnie Lane! It's Roger Daltrey in a Ronnie Lane costume!" As if to prove her point, GreenGirl ran up before ChocolateGirl could kiss 'Ronnie,' and pulled his whole guise off.
"AAAGH! ROGER!" ChocolateGirl screamed, then practically flew back into the arms of GreenMan.
"Good job, GreenGirl!" GreenMan smiled widely.
Roger sighed unhappily. "Ah, hey! I thought I was finally gonner get me ChocolateGirl! I've liked her for so long..."
GreenGirl glared at him. "You should full well know that she has ENOUGH trouble deciding about blokes without you having to come in and make things more confusing!"
WhoreMan rushed up to his beloved girlfriend. "I'm so 'appy it really WAS a costume, cos if it weren't... you... you..." He shuddered, not liking the thought. Then he snogged GreenGirl, because he hadn't been able to for the last eight parts.
ApeMan smiled at Graham. "Sorry, fella. GreenGirl loves me bruvvah." Graham scowled at him, then his eyes went wide.
"GREENGIRL!" he shouted almost hysterically. "LOOK OUT BEHIND YOU!"
Davida and Sp-em turned around just in time to see Roger about to touch them and turn them into dust. "I 'ave an idea!" WhoreMan yelled.
"Oh, Davida!" GreenGirl sighed enrapturedly. "I'm so proud."
"Quiet, love!" Dave commanded as he began to sing. "They call me looooooooong taaall shorty, cos I know what love is all about! And I know where the lights go--ooooooooh, when they go out!"
"No, screechy voice! Mine's so much better! ARGH!" Roger screamed, covering his ears. He retreated back into his castle, vowing to never come out again.
"HURRAH!" The Hollies and everyone else except Spem shouted.
"Why isn't GreenGirl shouting?" SpunkMan asked, slightly worried.
ChocolateGirl just said, "Dave was singing 'cutely,' as my headsharer would put it... so she fainted."
Everyone understood.
So, with ChocolateGirl safely back in the arms of GreenMan and GreenGirl still unconcious in the protective arms of WhoreMan, the gang of superheroes waved goodbye to the Hollies and were now able to go on their merry way. They 'could actually get some costumes like we wanted in the first place,' SpunkMan insisted, which made everyone faint. Luckily, he quickly woke them all up (except GreenGirl... he figured it'd be best to leave her senseless) and ApeMan led them to another shop.
Poor ApeMan should've known better than to choose Grace Brothers Department Store... for as soon as Mr. Humphries called out "I'm free!" GreenGirl sprung to life and attacked the poor man with hugs and kisses.
"I don't wanna quote me bruvvah... but... YOU CAIN'T TAKE THOSE GELS ENNYWHERE!" WhoreMan yelled exasperatedly with a pout.
"Ooh, dear... Mr. Lucas, help please!" Mr. Humphries begged.
"Looks like you 'ave your 'ands full, there, Mr. 'Umphries!" Mr. Lucas joked.
Captain Peacock stormed over to the counter. "What, exactly, is going on here, Mr. Humphries?"
"I just need some help from my friend, that's all!" Mr Humphries said with a nervous laugh as Mr. Lucas attempted to prise GreenGirl off him.
"Greenie, my love, don't you think this is more your
colour?" she asked, holding up a red polar necked
sweater to him. "It'd look LOVELY with a pair of
brown cords!" she pointed out.
"Not very superheroey though, is it?" he asked.
"But ever so sexy," she pointed out. "Shows your
bottom off very nicely."
"Thanks! But I think I'd like something green, to go
with my name. Maybe not Lycra cos that's a bit
poncey," he trailed off.
"OH MY GOODNESS!" Mrs Slocombe gasped, her orange hair
slightly askew. "All these customers! It'll be such
a difficult day, my pussy won't be able to cope with
me!"
WhoreMan sniggered. GreenGirl elbowed him. WhoreMan
yelped in pain. GreenGirl told him that it served him
right for being rude. WhoreMan replied that as his
name was WhoreMan it was basically his job to be rude.
GreenGirl couldn't answer that.
And now, back to our story:
"How's YOUR pussy, ChocolateGirl?" GreenMan inquired
with a sly grin.
"Just dandy, thanks. Fed him before we left this
morning!" she replied with an equally sly grin.
"Morning, Mrs Slocombe! How's your pussy?" Captain
Peacock inquired.
"Oh not very well at all, Captain Peacock. I may have
to take him to the vets!" she replied sadly. Mr
Humphries dashed past with some green taffetta which
he presented to GreenGirl.
"And this would match your eyes SOOOOOO nicely!" he
told her mincily, his wrist incredibly limp.
"Do you think so?" she inquired. He nodded.
"Oh yes!" he replied. Meanwhile, Mrs Slocombe was
having problems reaching the brown crimplene for
ChocolateGirl's outfit.
"Mr Humphries are you free?" she called.
"I'M FREEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!" he yelled, dashing over to
her.
"Hey, he'd make a great superhero!" ApeMan pointed
out. "Look at him dashing hither and thither!"
"Hither and thither?!" SpunkMan inquired
incredulously. Everyone fainted at his enthusiasm.
"Dear me, fainting! Oh my poor pussy can't handle
people fainting!" Mrs Slocombe protested, fanning
herself in shock.
"'S okay, they have a tendency to do this from time to
time," SpunkMan explained helpfully. "Usually
whenever I open me gob," he finished. "Wake
aaaaaaaap, we gotta go get super-'eroey
auuutfiiiiiits!" he whined.
"Superheroey outfits?!" Mr Humphries asked, his eyes
widening. ApeMan nodded. "Well, dear boys-"
"AAAAAAHHHHH A KEITH VIBE!" ChocolateGirl and
GreenGirl screamed happily. Mr Humphries looked at
them, entirely confused.
"Erm... if it's superheroey outfits you're after, I
may have just the thing. Follow me!" he instructed
mysteriously, beckoning the gang towards him.
"The fitting room," Mr. Humphries said matter-of-factly.
"Th' fittin' room?!" GreenMan asked increduously. "Oh no, I remember wot 'appened at th' last tailor's!"
ChocolateGirl shook her head and sighed. "Don't be silly, Greenie my love! There's no-one here that I'm actually attracted to, except for you!"
Mr. Lucas pouted. "What about me, then? Am I chopped liver?"
"Not in MY mind!" GreenGirl answered, seriously on the verge of swooning into a dead faint.
WhoreMan gripped her hand. "C'man, le's follow Mr. 'Umphries," he begged. "I wanna super'eroey autfit too!"
Finally the six superheroes and Mr. Humphries reached the back of the fitting room, which revealed... a hidden door! Mr. Humphries punched a few keys on the keypad there, and the door opened to reveal:
"'Oose car is that?" ApeMan queried.
"Well, it's me mother's, but promise me you won't tell 'er anything and you can borrow it for your official SuperHero Mobile. What's your little gang known as, anyway?" Mr. Humphries's eyes shone. He just loved brave, strong superheroes...
GreenGirl blinked. She hadn't thought of what their group's name would be. "ChocolateGirl, had you given this any thought?"
"No, I honestly hadn't," ChocolateGirl admitted. "GreenMan?"
"None at all... WhoreMan?"
"Wot are we talkin' abaht?" WhoreMan asked, confused. "Oh! No. ApeMan?"
ApeMan paused, thinking. "No, none, really..."
SpunkMan squealed with delight, "I knaw! Spunky 'n' 'Orey's Best Friends League!"
Everyone fainted.
"Wake up!" he pleaded, shaking everyone awake. "That nice man's gonna measure us for tights!" he explained.
"TIGHTS!" WhoreMan yelled happily, leaping in the air. GreenMan rolled his eyes and ushered ChocolateGirl into the Silky Cape department.
"Dernerdernerdernerdernerdernerdernerdernerdernerdernerdernerdernerderner BATMAAAAAAANNNNN!!!!" ChocolateGirl sang at the top of her voice, stroking a navy blue and grey cape happily.
"Oh leave off!" GreenMan pleaded, distracting her in the best way he knew how.
"Blimey..." ChocolateGirl sighed, a grin invading her entire face.
"Thought that'd get your attention! I need help with choosing a silky cape, ChocolateGirl, what do you think?" he inquired. ChocolateGirl paused in deep contemplation.
"I think a lovely dark green one - sort of Lincoln green, and tights to match," she decided. "Ooh, and a whip!" she added with a nod. GreenMan's eyes widened.
"A whip?! Blimey, I didn't realise I was one of THOSE superheroes!" he protested. ChocolateGirl grinned.
"You aren't, that's for later," she replied.
"Ohhh..." GreenMan replied with a knowing smile.
Suddenly, all hell broke loose. Mrs Slocombe rushed into the Secret Superhero Identikit Department, shrieking hysterically.
"HELP ME HELP ME!" she screamed, grabbing hold of Mr Humphries by the shoulders and shaking him vigorously.
"ARGH!!" Apeman screamed, as he was in the middle of changing and had to hide behind a convenient Utility Belt.
"Mrs Slocombe, please! Calm yourself!" Mr Humphries begged, relieving his shoulders of her almighty vice-like grip and placing a hand to his forehead.
"'Ere, Mr 'Umphries, whatever is my hand doing on your forehead?!" SpunkMan inquired, confused.
"Oh, I'm terribly sorry about that, it helps with my nerves, you see," Mr Humphries explained. "Now, in a calm tone, Mrs Slocombe, please can you tell us whatever is the matter?" he asked. Mrs Slocombe burst into tears.
"My pussy's gone missing!" she sobbed. The entire department suddenly went deathly silent.
WhoreMan looked at GreenGirl. GreenGirl looked at ChocolateGirl. ChocolateGirl looked at GreenMan. GreenMan raised his eyebrows at ChocolateGirl.
Everyone promptly collapsed on the floor in hysterical laughter.
"Now, really, you mustn't laugh!" Mr Humphries began, stifling his giggles. "This is very serious - and as our resident superheroes, I think you ought to do something!" he told them.
"I'll find it, I'm an expert at locating pussies!" WhoreMan declared proudly. GreenGirl blushed fiercely and looked firmly at the floor.
"'Ey, ChocolateGirl, come over 'ere," GreenMan ordered, beckoning her towards him. She shrugged and went over to him.
"Hang on a minute, Greenie my love, weren't you wearing your red jumper a minute ago?" she inquired, frowning. He promptly grabbed hold of her, covered her mouth with his hand and dragged her outside. She quickly freed her mouth of his hand and gasped in horror. "You're not GreenMan!" she declared, quite scared.
"No, I'm not - I'm Pete Quiff!" he declared, cackling manaically. She pouted.
"Well it was an easy enough mistake to make, I mean, you *do* look a lot like him - but you can't BOTH be called Pete, it'll get far too confusing. I'll have to call you something else. How about Jim? That's a pretty name, I've always liked that name," she rambled. He looked at her.
"Do you ever shut up?" he inquired.
"No," she replied. "Hey, hang on a minute - am I being kidnapped?!" she inquired.
"Of course you bloody well are, why else would I have grabbed you and rushed you out of the shop without waiting for you to say goodbye to anyone?!" he retorted, quite bemused.
"Blimey, what will everyone say when they find out I've gone missing?" ChocolateGirl wondered in despair.
Back to BUDCDIES UNITE!
Part 6 by The Girlfriend of 'OreMan!
It took about three minutes but eventually SpunkMan got everyone to wake up. "C'mun, we've gotta stap Janis Jop-o-lin," he whined.
Part 7 by The Headsharer Of The Girlfriend Of Fe!
"Oh, how can we ever thank you enough?" an old woman asked, running out into the street. "You've saved us from the Evil Janis Joplin!"Part 8 by... Okay, I can't beat that, Part Eight is by Spem!
"OHMIGOD Sp-ev!" GreenGirl squealed.
Part 9 by the one we all know and love, that's right, it's Sp-ev!
"May I ask why *you* haven't fainted, Sp-ev?" Spa-tie inquired, raising an eyebrow. ChocolateGirl sighed haughtily.Part 10 by The Most Wonderful Lefty On Earth, SPEMMY!!!!!!
"Ay..." GreenGirl sighed at the Other Half of her Head's inability to resist The Welsh One.
Part 11 by Lovely Spev, Wonderful Spev!
Mick went around waking everyone up as usual.
PART 12 by Isn’t It Awfully Nice to have a… HEADSHARER!!!!
"Course YOU unnerstan' totally, eh Daive?" SpunkMan laughed. GreenGirl and ChocolateGirl most certainly would have fainted if they hadn't both been veeeerrrrrrrrry distracted by the loveliness of Graham Nash and Tony Hicks that stood before them.
Part 13 by They call her Long Tall Spevvy, cos she knows what love is all about!
“Tony, I feel a little bit scared in a female
superheroey way…” ChocolateGirl confided, biting her
fingernails nervously. Tony looked at her and gave an
adoring smile.
Part 14 by Spam... no, Spem!
"STOP, MY SPEVVY!" GreenMan shouted, but it was to no avail.
Part 15 by Every Spev Is Sacred!
ChocolateGirl and GreenMan were back in their blissful
together world, seeings as there were no Hollies or
Pythons around to distract ChocolateGirl from her
GreenMan lusting.
Part 16 by If a Spem Is Wasted, God Gets Quite Irate!
"Well, this certainly is intriguing!" GreenGirl exclaimed, pausing in her lusting over both Mr. Lucas and Mr. Humphries for just a moment. "Just where are we going?"
Part 17 by Bossy Brunette (even though the alliteration sounds silly)!
SpunkMan sighed in despair. Why oh why could he never utter one sentence without all of his friends fainting? He could cope with one person fainting, after all, looking after ONE fainting person was just part of being a superhero - but FIVE?!?!?! ALL AT THE SAME TIME?!?!?! MORE THAN ONCE A DAY?!?!?!? It was just ridiculous.
Part 18 by Ravishing Redhead (nothing even remotely silly about THAT alliteration!)!
Back to KINDA KINKS!