Diaries
Kassandra

November 15: Jenna's been acting strange lately; she's drawing into herself and away from me. It's not like her at all. She's not exactly an open person, but she's always been open with me. It's just not like her to suddenly pull away like this. I know her, and I know she's not like...this.
November 15: Kay seems to think there's something wrong. Goddamn her. She always tries to see into me, even if I don't want her to. Sometimes, I just want my space; sometimes I just don't want her butting into every part of my life. It's my life, after all. Not hers.
She looks so lonely most of the time, like there's no one there for her. She should know that I'm always there for her; I wouldn't give up on Jenna. Come to think of it, she's been acting so oddly ever since Jacob and she broke up. I didn't think she was quite this in love with the boy, but I guess I never know. Sometimes, Jenna does odd things.
I don't know why Kay's always trying to read into things that are none of her business. She's my friend, yes, but some things are too personal even for her to know. Besides, if she knew, she'd probably just tell me I was crazy. She's always telling someone that they're crazy; it's got to be my turn soon.
I know Jenna's hiding something from me, but I don't know how to find out what it is. Sometimes, she's impossible. And I mean that. I don't even want to confide in her right now; if she can't trust me, why should I trust her? I need to talk to someone about Robert, but only Jenna will listen -- and right now, I really don't want her to listen to it. 
Kay's so cut and dried; everything has to be just so, it has to be black and white. Some things aren't black and white, and I wish she could see that. She'd understand me better then. Maybe she wouldn't tell me I was crazy if I could just get her to understand this. Damn it, I wish I could just say something, but I can't. This is unreal. It's not happening to me.
I just don't understand her sudden switch in behavior. This isn't Jenna; this isn't how she is. I know Jenna better than most, and this isn't her. She doesn't hide things from me. I know she doesn't. Not if they're important to her, and something's eating her up inside -- a sure sign of "importance".
Everything is turning into a nightmare dreamworld. Nothing's as it should be; everything's like some sort of...twilight zone. I don't get this, it's like I've stepped into another dimension. I don't get it at all. I wish I could talk to someone. How could I explain any of this? Kay wouldn't understand. 
I just hope that Jenna finds the trust to tell me what is happening inside of her...and I hope she finds it soon.
I just wish that Kay could find the understanding to listen to me without judgement for once...and I wish she'd find it soon.
November 16: Jenna was in my room tonight, as always -- we were listening to NIN and talking, just like we always used to. But it wasn't the same because underneath it all we both knew that we were hiding things from each other. I just wanted to ask her what was bothering her, but I can't force her; I know her well enough that if anything's forthcoming, it's coming on her own time, not my will.
November 16: I almost told Kay what was happening today. But she was saying something else, and I couldn't figure out a way to divert her from the subject. I don't know why I care so much about telling her; she's got her own problems. She thinks I don't know about Robert, but I know. But there are things she doesn't know about me.
Why won't she open up to me? I thought we were close; I thought she'd tell me anything. I don't understand why she's acting so closed about all this. I don't know what's wrong, but I'm sure that I could help her. At least talk to her about it. It's not good for her to hold it in like this. Whatever it is.
I saw Thomas today. God, it rips my heart apart every time I see him; this isn't how it's supposed to be. I need to get away from all of this hurt; I can't do this anymore. How can I do this to Jacob? I cared about him, yes, but I never really loved him, not the way he loved me. We weren't meant for eachother. Thomas and I were, but I doubt Thomas even cares. He's a good friend; I can't jeopardize my friendship with Jacob over Thomas, but I can't lose Thomas, either. I don't know what to do. Now I know what all the old ballads meant when they said that love was the greatest and the worst feeling on earth. It really is.
Why won't she let me help her? 
November 17: I've decided.
November 17: I'm worried.
I know what I have to do; I know how to get rid of these feelings. It's a simple solution, really; I'm surprised that I didn't think of it sooner. It was right in front of me all the time.
Jenna's not acting like herself, and it disturbs me. She's so quiet today; she's so...self-enclosed. Like I've said, she's not the most open person, but she's not this withdrawn. It's not like her. I don't know what to do about it, though. I don't think there's anything I can do about it. I just hope she'll be alright. 
Everything is taken care of. Everything is going to be alright. It's nice to have it finally resolved.
November 25: I just got back. It's not real, it's not happening to me. This is a dream, and I'm going to wake up and everything is going to be back to normal. They searched her room and they found these letters...they had spots of her blood on them. Oh, my god, they had her blood on them. Greusome and sad and unreal. There was a letter for me, and one for Thomas. No one else. I cornered Thomas after the funeral; he hadn't read his either, so we decided to read them together. I never cried harder than when he read his out loud; I can't believe she died for that. He never cried harder than when I read mine, I don't think. I just can't believe this nightmare. 

"My dearest Kay,
          You've been my closest friend; you've been the only one to stand by me through it all. I hope you think the same about me. I also hope you're standing by my decision right now. I'm sure you know why this happened; you've probably spoken with Thomas -- or he's spoken with you. But you deserve to know from me, as it were, and so I will explain it.
Ever since Jacob and I broke our relationship off, I've realized how much I care about Thomas. He's my angel; he's my light and my darkness. But I can't tell him that because I can't hurt Jacob -- we are friends, after all. Were friends, by the time you read this. The best way to resolve this is to escape from both of their lives.
          I swore I'd never write one of these, but I had to for you and for Thomas. I'm sure you two will have a lot to talk about after this, and I hope you two remember me well. You are my angel, too, Kay; you're my best friend. You're my angel of mercy. I love you.
                                                                               Yours from wherever I go past my grave,
                                                                                                      Jenna 

She didn't have to do this; God, why did she do this? How can I go through life without her? Why did she leave us? This isn't like Jenna. I should have known, I should have known, God, why didn't I know? Damn it! Damn it... 
Lonely....
I am.
Without....
Anyone...
Anything.
What am I doing?
Why did she go?
How can I do this?
Why did I do this?
I miss it.
She can't be gone.
Kay? Thomas?
Lonely.
Lonely.
Lonely.

To the White Dove, with all of our love.  Thank you for being with us.