S.W/S.Moon - A New Hope 1/2 ahem - well, here's the first part. Please be gentle with this, it's my first attempt at anything remotely involving humour - it's more difficult than I thought it would be. note: please: READ SAILOR MOON DOE'S STAR WARS - CAST CALL *FIRST* It pretty much stands as a story itself and explains who the characters are and why including the um, relationships between certain members. Other than that - hope you enjoy it! YOU WILL NOT GET THE FEW JOKES I ACTUALLY MAKE UNLESS YOU READ THE CAST CALL - don't ya just hate it when people write in caps? :) OH - before I forget - Duo and Chichiri are in it - I just couldn't resist :) __________________________ Duo: Dadaaa, dadadaadaaa, dadadadada,dadadada, da da, dada Cairnsy: A long time Duo: da, dadadada da, dadadada Cairnsy: *ehem* A long... Duo: Da da, dadaaada da dadadaaa Cairnsy: *clamps hands over Duo's mouth* Duo: *mumbles* mmn, mnmnmnmn,mnmnmnmn, mnnmn Cairnsy: Oh I give up! Do you want to be in this fic or what? Duo: *shuts up and nods vigorously* Cairnsy: *removes hand* Good, then no more of the Daa daa,dadadadaaaaa, hmm, that's actually quite catchy isn't it? Duo: Ahuh. Cairnsy and Duo: DA daa,dadadadadadaaaaa, dadadadadaaaa, da da da daaaaa Chichiri: Stop with the da's already no da! Cairnsy: no da? Duo: no da at all? Chichiri: no, no da. No da's - no da? Cairnsy and Duo: huh? Chichiri: *sigh* Cairnsy: What are you doing here anyway Chichiri - this is supposed to be a S.M ficcy. Chichiri: All the da's were giving me a migraine no da. Sound of muttering off somewhere: now he knows how it feels Cairnsy: *Glomps onto Chichiri* Well, now that you're here you'll have to stay and narrorate with Duo and me. Chichiri: *gulp* Do I have to? Duo and Cairnsy: *Nod* Chichiri: On with the story then, no da. Cairnsy: It is a period of civil war. Rebel spaceships, striking from a hidden base, have won their first victory against the evil Galactic Empire. During the battle, Rebel spies managed to steal secret plans to the Empire's ultimate weapon, the Pink Star, an armoured space station with enough power to destroy an entire planet. Pursued by the Empire's sinister agents, Princess, I mean Prince, Zoisite races home aboard her starship, custodian of the stolen plans that can save her people and restore freedom to the galaxy... (originally this was sized in big fonts at the top to small at the bottom - for some reason it doesn't copy through) Duo: Why the weird writing Cairnsy? Cairnsy: I take it you've never seen Star Wars Duo. Duo: *shakes head* Chichiri: Ah ... Cairnsy - shouldn't the size of the writing go from smaller to bigger, not the other way round? Cairnsy: *bangs head on desk* Why didn't you tell me I was doing it wrong! Duo: He just did Cairnsy: *grr* Well, there's no time to change it now, otherwise we'll never get onto the story. Which is starting NOW! Cairnsy: *in serious voice* INTERIOR: REBEL BLOCKADE RUNNER - MAIN PASSAGEWAY An explosion from a chasing Imperial Star Destroyer rocks the rebel ship as two , ah, robots R2D2 - better known as Alfred and 3PAmi struggle to make their way down the shaking, bouncing passage - especially R2D2, better known as Alfred, since his back right wheel keeps falling off due to the fact the crew could not afford super glue and instead had to use super powerful, super chewy Bubble gum. ::Duo: that IS cheep :: R2D2, better known as Alfred, resembles pretty much your average computer diary thingy, black of course - the colour of the rebellion. As you might of guessed, he has four, no - make that three, that cursed back one fell of again, wheels attached to the bottom to make him mobiley independent. his fellow, ah, Robot resembles oddly enough a blue haired girl wearing a gold suit. ::Chichiri: And what is that smell!:: ::Cairnsy: The bubble gum was extra peppermint flavour as well:: Rocked again by a shot from the chasing Imperial Destroyer the two robots continue to struggle. CPAmi: Did you hear that? They've shut down the main reactor. We'll be destroyed for sure. This is madness! Especially since since they shut down the main reactor they must have *insert tecno babble that no-one want's to hear nor the author want's to write* ::Cairnsy: Ah, Ami - that's not in the script :: ::Ami: But it's true!:: ::Cairnsy: Too bad!:: Rebel troopers - in the black uniform of the rebellion, run past the robots and pose, I mean take their positions, guns pointing at the door. CPAmi: We're doomed! Especially if Serena is the one organising the rescue attempt *shudder* R2D2, who prefers to be know as Alfred: bep de bop bopdep CPAmi: I don't see what a golden ball and silk stockings has to do with the situation we are in R2D2. R2D2, who prefers to be known as Alfred: beep! CPAmi: You're right, the Princess - uh, I mean Prince, Isn't going to be happy about this. I don't know how she, I mean he, is going to escape this time. The rebel troopers stiffen slightly as the doors are slowly forced open. The nervous troopers aim their weapons. Suddenly a blast smashes open the door and out poured scores of fearful pink storm troopers. Quickly the corridor is fulled with brightly coloured flowers and the refrain of 'I love you, you love me' are heard. ::Duo: I wish they would REFRAIN from singing *chuckle*:: Several rebels fall to the ground in agony, and as a perfectly white rabbit hops past the two robots they run/wheel down the corridor. 3PAmi: I should have known better than to trust the logic of a half-sized computer diary looking thingy with only three wheels that prefers to go by the name of Alfred! R2D2, who pref .... oh you get the picture: Beppe! Bebpo! As the two argue over exactly whose fault it is that they are stuck in a ship with Barney loving enemies we cut to: Duo: *serious, dead - pan voice* EXTERIOR: TATOOINE -- DESERT WASTELAND -- DAY The camera pans across a wide expanse of yellow - yep, it's as desert if you couldn't tell from the establishing comment above. The blasting heat from the twin suns rest heavily on the shoulders on the sole person STUPID enough to be out at this time of day in a desert. ::Jedeite: Hey!:: The figure is that of the gorgeous, drop dead handsome, simply magnif ... ::Duo: YouÕre over doing it Cairnsy:: ehem, figure of Jedeite Skywalker, a simple farm boy with heroic intentions. Jedeite: Boy - I've gotta get laid. His shaggy blond hair Jedeite: shaggy?! and baggy clothes give him the air of a simple yet loverable lad. Jedeite: *grr* what exactly are you trying to imply with all these 'simples'? The kind and generous boy is attempting to fix whatever piece of machinery he is trying to fix ::Duo: well duh!:: when he see's a flash of light from the corner of his eye. Not thinking that this could perhaps be an illusion caused be continuous exposure to the sun, he grabs his binoculars to get a closer look. Upon deciding to go have a closer look, he jumps into his crusty old land speeder and heads of towards either the brothel or the area in which the light ended up at. Since both were in the same direction perhaps he was going to investigate both. Chichiri:*deadpan voice* INTERIOR: REBEL BLOCKADE RUNNER -- MAIN HALLWAY. The awesome, or awful, depending on your view, figure of Darth Diamond stalks the main corridor, his blue armour and cape a stark contrast to the pink of the storm troopers who surrounded him - a bold fashion statement if there ever was one. This is the Emperor's right man, powerfully built, lean and down right good looking. His hair is loose - he see's no reason to cover his beautiful face with a silly mask. Even the pink troopers shrink away as he walks down the corridor - the expression of pure happiness and the giggles that constantly escape his lips are enough to scare even the bravest trooper. Before things get interesting we cut to: Duo: INTERIOR: REBEL BLOCKADE RUNNER. A woman's - ah, I mean man's hand places a disk into R2D2 Chichiri: INTERIOR: REBEL BLOCKADE RUNNER. 3PAmi looks around confused - she can't seem to find where R2D2 has gotten off to. As she begins to search the screeches of doomed rebels can be heard along with the sickly sweet smell of candy floss. 3PAmi: R2D2! Where are you! Suddenly out of the smoke comes R2D2 along with a beautiful wo - man. Patting R2D2 on the head, he twirls around and disappears back into the smoke. 3PAmi: How rude, he could have at least of said hello. ::Cairnsy: *sigh*:: The two robots then proceed to run to an escape pod and eject themself to the relative safety of space - something that the other rebels for some reason hadn't thought to do. Duo: INTERIOR: REBEL BLOCKADE RUNNER -- SUB HALLWAY. The lovely young man huddles in a small alcove as the storm troopers search through the ship. He is Prince Zoisite Organa, a member of the Alderaan Senate. One of the troopers spots him. TROOPER: There he is! Set for stun! Zoisite steps from his hiding place and blasts a trooper with deadly sharp blossom petals. he starts to run but is taken down by a stun ray. Trooper: Wow, what a babe - maybe we should just keep him and tell Darth Diamond we couldn't find him Second Trooper: *ignores Trooper - turns to Trooper three* He'll be all right. Inform Lord Diamond we have a prisoner. Trooper: Spoil sport. Duo: EXTERIOR: TATOOINE -- ANCHORHEAD SETTLEMENT -- POWER STATION -- DAY. We return to Tatoonie. Duo: INTERIOR: POWER STATION -- DAY. Jedeite bounces Jedeite: I do NOT bounce! into a small room where he meets up with Biggs - a much more fancier and slightly older boy who is a member of THE Academy. Jedeite: How's the Academy Biggs? Biggs: Oh, same as always. Jedeite: Damn - more Barney reruns? Biggs: You said it. Jedeite: I know, but think of the day when you'll actually be able to fly *goes starry eyed* Chicks really dig that. Biggs: Forget it Jedeite - you don't get laid at all in this episode remember. Jedeite: *pout* Suddenly remembering the objects he had seen through his binoculars he speaks up again Jedeite: Hey Biggs - there is a battle going on - wanna come watch? Biggs: And risk having an Imperial star destroyer crashing on me? Have fun Skywalker. Chichiri: INTERIOR: REBEL BLOCKADE RUNNER -- HALLWAY Prince Zoisite is lead through a rebel hallway into the presence of the still smiling - in a disarming sort of way, Darth Diamond. Prince Zoisite: I should have known it would have been you Darth Diamond. I mean, only someone stupid enough to fall in love with that Sailor Klutz would be such an idiot as to attack a diplomat. When the senate hears of this ... Darth Diamond: Don't play games with me your highness - this wasn't a diplomatic mission. the fact that you had at least 50 or so rebel troops on your ship kind of shoots that idea to bits don't you think? Prince Zoisite: Rebels? On my ship? How in the world did they get there? Darth Diamond: *rolls eyes* Plans were beamed to your ship your highness, I want to know where they are. And how come I have to call Zoi royalty? I'm the REAL royalty here! ::Cairnsy: just play along Diamond - please?:: Darth Diamond: *grr* Alright. Prince Zoisite: Besides, I have no idea what you are talking about. I'm an Imperial Senate on a diplomatic mission to Alderaan... Darth Diamond: With incredibly weird hair. Why exactly DO you wear it like that? It is quite snazzy - revolutionary in fact. Prince Zoisite: Why thank-you. I must say that the 'blue' look - very chic, so much better than the pink. It must be hard being in command of a bunch of unoriginal, dreary soldiers - i mean really, pink?! Darth Diamond: *sigh* It's so sad that I finally meet someone who understands fashion as well as I do and I have to have you tortured and nasty things like that. You're a traitor to the republic - take her away nameless storm trooper number 125. Storm trooper number 125 marches his highness away, strangely unresisting. As he does one of the Commanders speaks up. Commander: He'll die before he tells you anything. Darth Diamond: We have ways of making him talk - I still have to find out how he keeps his hair in those two buns - amazing don't you think? Commander: Ah, yes Sir. Darth Diamond: Hmph. Send a distress signal and then inform the senate that all aboard were killed. Another imperial officer, who will again remain unnamed approaches Darth. Other Imperial Officer: The battle station plans were not aboard the ship! There have been no transmissions but know that I think of it there was this one escape pod that we didn't decide to investigate because it had no life forms on. Darth Diamond: He must have hidden the info in that pod, send a detachment down to get it - there is no way I'm going down to Tatoonie - it's a desert you know. Can you imagine what all that sand would do to my hair?! You're in charge Commander - I've never thought much of your *shudder* pink hair anyway. Commander: Yes sir. Chichiri: EXTERIOR: SPACE. The Imperial Star destroyer comes over the surface of the planet Tatoonie. Duo: EXTERIOR: TATOOINE -- DESERT. Desert. Hmn. Surprise, surprise. From a pod half buried in the sand comes our two robots, who, like true hero's ran away when the going got tough. ::Duo: *sings* When the going gets tough!*:: ::Cairnsy: After this gig - the tough get DRUNK!:: Clumsily working their way up a sand dune they find that they are far away from any sort of civilisation. However, there is a lot of sand, interesting enough. 3PAmi: Well, I've had enough of this. If I keep going my joints, which technically speaking I don't have, are going to rust up. R2D2: Breep, bop bep 3PAmi: This is not the time to be thinking about whether or not you'd look good in blue! I don't care if Darth Diamond is making some sort of bold fashion statement and you want to keep up with the trends. *Looks around. To the right is rocky while to the left is flat and - yes, you got it, sandy* I say we go left R2. R2D2: Bep poe bre! 3PAMI: What do you mean no? You think that the rocky way leads to civilisation? What's this about a mission? And how in the world did you say all that in only three beeps? R2D2: preb be bop rep! 3PAmi: What mission?! Sheesh, you're as bad as Heero! Fine then, don't come crying to me when you get lost. 3PAmi heads towards even more sand dunes while R2D2 heads towards the rocky thingy, area type ... area. Duo: EXTERIOR: TATOOINE -- DESERT 3PAmi walks up yet another sand dune to see - yet another one, and another one, and another one and ano... ::Chichiri: No DA! I think they get it Cairnsy no da!:: Hmph. Anyway, Dumping himself in the sand 3PAmi silently curses R2D2 for getting her into this mess when she see's a flash of metal. 3PAmi: A transport! I'm saved! Over here! help! Save me! The robot - who looks surprisingly like a blue haired girl in a gold suit, waves her arms wildly at the closing transport. Duo: EXTERIOR: TATOOINE -- ANCHORHEAD SETTLEMENT -- POWER STATION -- DAY. Jedeite Skywalker and Biggs are walking and drinking a malt brew, having decide that being squashed by a falling imperial destroyer would indeed be hell on their social life. Jedeite: (Very animated)...so I cut off my power, shut down the afterburners and came in low on Deak's trail. I was so close I thought I was going to fry my instruments. As it was I busted up the Skyhopper pretty bad. Uncle Haruka was pretty upset. She grounded me for the rest of the season. You should have been there...it was fantastic. Biggs: You're right Jedeite - you really DO need to get laid. Jedeite: Look who's talking - learning about how the colour pink complements the colour ... pink can't be doing much for your love life. Biggs: Listen Jeddy, since we're good friends and all there's something I've got to tell ya - I'm not going back to the academy when I'm finished off here. Jedeite: But why - you get to FLY - and what is it with you people calling me JEDDY!! ::Duo: he's pretty sensitive about that isn't he?:: ::Cairnsy: Aha - you should see how he gets when Nephrite's here - then again, I don't think you want to:: Biggs: oh, I'll still get to fly *leans in close and whispers* I'm joining the rebellion. Jedeite: The rebellion! But why?! Biggs pats Jedeite on the back. Biggs: You've still got a lot to learn kid - there are some major BABES in the rebellion. Wonder bra women, masculine men - what more could you want? oh, and there's the cause and everything - you know. It's politically correct these days to side against the baddies. Jedeite: And I'm stuck here... Biggs: I thought you were going to the Academy next term. You'll get your chance to get off this rock. Jedeite: Not likely! I had to cancel my application. There has been a lot of unrest among the Sand people since you left...they've even raided the outskirts of Anchorhead. Biggs: Oh well, tough luck I suppose. Jedeite: thanks a lot! Biggs: At least you'll be safe from the emperor here - there's no way he'd attack this rock. I mean - what would anyone want with all this sand? Anyway - I gotta go kid - the rebellions calling me, maybe, someday we'll meet again. Jedeite: Don't know where. Biggs: Don't know when. Jedeite: But we'll meet again Biggs: some sunny day. Jedeite - Hey, but it's always sunny on Tatoonie! Biggs: *rolls eyes* See ya kid. With that Biggs leaves to the sound of Vera Lynn playing in the background. ::Chichiri: That was sick no da:: ::Cairnsy: Thank you:: Duo: EXTERIOR: TATOOINE -- DESERT -- DAY. 4 pink Imperial storm troopers crowd around the nearly buried pod from which R2D2 and 3PAmi had exited from earlier. One Trooper pointed to the foot and wheel marks that had ever so kindly been left by our two hero's. Another trooper bent down and picked up what seemed to resemble a wheel with super chewy, super sticky, super strong peppermint flavoured gum to it. Storm trooper: Look, droids sir. Intelligently, well, as intelligent as one can be in pink armour, the troopers headed in the direction of the prints. And what of our two hero's you may ask? Chichiri: INTERIOR: SANDCRAWLER. Well, it turned out that it didn't matter if either R2D2 or CPAmi had been correct over which direction to go as they had both been captured by Jawa's and were in the process of being transported to who knows where. 3PAmi: This is all your fault R2D2 R2D2: preep bre! 3PAmi: now that wasn't very nice! After everyth ... mercifully the robots rant was cut short as the door to the sand crawler was opened and the robots marched out. Duo: EXTERIOR: TATOOINE -- DESERT -- LARS HOMESTEAD -- AFTERNOON Marched out, wouldn't you know it, just in front of Jedeite Skywalkers house. Lined up with other kidnapped Robots the Jawa's fussed over them, prepping them for sale. From inside the house Aunt Michiru was advising Jedeite about picking a couple of robots. Aunt Michiru: ... and make sure it can speak Japanese! God knows what will happen if you get a Dic robot *shudder* Uncle Haruka having missed Aunt Michiru ranting deliberately (she heard it every time they got a new bot) proudly displayed the two bots he had chosen in the process. Three guesses for who the two lucky bots were, and the first two don't count. Yep, good old Uncle Haruka had chosen R2D2 for reasons unknown, and 3PAmi for her ability to speak Japanese, as well as around 30 or so thousand other languages. Having nothing better to do, besides for helping his Uncle and Aunt out, but hey - who want's to do that, Jedeite sits down and talks to the two. After exchanging the usual pleasantries - hello, I'm so and so etc etc, Jedeite discovers that the two bots were part of the rebellion. Jedeite : Have you been in many battles? 3PAmi: Several, I think. Actually, there's not much to tell. I'm not much more than an interpreter, and not very good at telling stories. Well, not at making them interesting, anyways. Jedeite struggles to remove a small metal fragment from R2D2'S neck joint, intent on pulling him apart for some reason. He uses a larger pick. Jedeite: Well, my little friend, you've got something jammed in here real good. Were you on a cruiser or... The fragment breaks loose with a snap, sending Jedeite tumbling head over heels. He sits up and sees a twelve-inch three-dimensional hologram of Zoisite Organa, the Rebel senator, being projected from the face of little Artoo. The image is a rainbow of colours as it flickers and jiggles in the dimly lit garage. Jedeite's mouth hangs open in awe. Jedeite: Man - he's cute. Zoisite: Help me, Obi-Sapphire Kenobi. You're my only hope. Jedeite: Figures. He would be involved with someone else. As the thing continues to repeat it self over and over again - getting to the point that it even annoys Jedeite, who quite liked looking at this mysterious, and good looking stranger, enough to hit the damn thing, hard. R2D2: preep bop rep! 3PAmi: He says the rest is a secret message that can only be read by Obi-Sapphire Kenobi. Jedeite: Obi? I know him. He had to become a strange weirdo type hermit because people kept mistaking him for Darian the Hutt - not the nicest of things to be compared to. Gazing once more at the beautiful image he sighs before turning it off. Jedeite: I guess we better go see Obi then. Duo: INTERIOR: LARS HOMESTEAD -- GARAGE. After a nice healthy Tatoonie dinner and having completely forgotten about going to see Obi -Sapphire Jedeite enters the garage to discover the robots nowhere insight. He takes a small control box and activates the it, causing 3PAmi to jump out from where he was hiding behind some boxes. 3PAmi: It wasn't my fault, sir. Please don't deactivate me. I told him not to go, but he's faulty, malfunctioning; kept babbling on about his mission. Jedeite: Great. Races out of the garage followed by 3PAmi. However, on remembering that the Sand People are really the bogeymen, and just exactly what they like to do to beautiful blonds when they are caught out alone at night ... NO! not that you hentai! ::Cairnsy: And I thought I was sick :):: Jedeite decides to wait til morning. Duo: INTERIOR/EXTERIOR: LUKE'S SPEEDER -- DESERT WASTELAND -- TRAVELLING -- DAY Said morning, Jedeite heads off with the remaining bot in search of R2D2. Lots of picturesque scenes of sand, more sand and - you guessed it, even more sand later and they found the annoying little bot who preferred to be called Alfred a far far away. Jedeite: Great, just great. we spend all day looking for this damn 'bot - do you have any idea what this is doing to my hair?! As if it isn't hard enough to keep in this condition anyway! Unfortunately it turned out Jedeite had bigger problems than his hair to worry about. R2D2: bep pob repbr! 3PAmi: Ah, sir? R2 says that there is hostile threat coming our way. Shouldn't we get going! Jedeite: Oh no - Sand People - or even worse - Nephrite! ::Cairnsy: that wasn't in the script:: Jedeite: it is now. Luckily for Jedeite his first prediction proved correct and they were swamped by Sand People. The terrified Jedeite Jedeite: Terrified?! I don't do terrified. As I was saying, the TERRIFIED (ha!) Jedeite was being backed against a cliff and the Sand Person raise his nasty, and sharp looking club and was just about to remove Jedeite's incredibly sexy head from his just as gorgeous body .... Duo: EXTERIOR: TATOOINE -- ROCK CANYON -- FLOOR -- DAY. R2D2 was having a hard time of it himself - the Sand People were jolting and turning him around, making fun of the fact he had only three wheels and were about to remove R2 of even THEM when suddenly a loud,dreadful high pitched and all together awful sound fills the, well, dunes. "My heart will go onnnnnnnnnn and onnnnnnnnnnnn" Terrified, the sand people abandon the group and head for the relative safety of their sound proof caves in fear. The confused face of Obi - Sapphire Kenobi comes into view before he shrugs - what ever works he supposes. Unlike the myths about him, he is a young, refreshingly handsome young man, who some would say resemble Darian the Hutt ::Cairnsy: I just don't see the similarities:: ::Duo: It's called DENIAL girl:: Approaching the farm boy who appears to have fainted Jedeite: grrr or not, Obi - Sapphire gently puts his fingers to Jedeite's forehead awakening the not-fainted boy. Obi-Sapphire: What are you doing out here Jedeite? Jedeite: Oh, this little droid! I think he's searching for his former master...I've never seen such devotion in a droid before...there seems to be no stopping him. He claims to be the property of an Obi- Sapphire Kenobi. Is he a relative of yours? Do you know who he's talking about? Obi-Sapphire looks at Jedeite in amazement. Obi-Sapphire: I AM Obi-Sapphire - why did you ask such a stupid question? Jedeite: *shrugs* It's in the script. ::Cairnsy: *mutters* like anyone follows it anyway:: Deciding that perhaps next time even Obi-sapphire's singing might not be able to keep the sand people away, the group decide to head to Obi-Sapphires cave with, what would you know, a desert view. Duo: INTERIOR: KENOBI'S DWELLING Once there Jedeite couldn't help but look around in amazement. He'd been expecting something - well, Spartan, the guy was a hermit after all, but the apartment was full of plush cushions, silk curtains and ornaments of all sizes. The only restricting feature was that everything was in shades of blues. Jedeite: geeze - you're as bad as Darth Diamond when it comes to interior design. While Jedeite attempts to fix 3PAmi who got injured during the tussle, the two get talking. Jedeite: My father didn't fight in the wars. He was a navigator on a spice freighter. Obi - Sapphire: That's what your uncle told you. He didn't hold with your father's ideals. Thought he should have stayed here and not gotten involved. Jedeite: You fought in the Clone Wars? Obi-Sapphire: Yes, I was once a Jedi Knight the same as your father. Jedeite: I wish I'd known him. Obi-Sapphire: He was the best star-pilot in the galaxy, and a cunning warrior. I understand you've become quite a good pilot yourself. And he was a good friend. Which reminds me... Obi goes and grabs something that looks remarkably like a turned off lightsaber and gives it to Jedeite. Jedeite: What is it? Obi-Sapphire: Your fathers lightsaber (hey - what do you know, it was a lightsaber). This is the weapon of a Jedi Knight. Not as clumsy or as random as a blaster, and it's great for getting dates as well - people really dig it. Jedeite pushes a button on the handle and long beam shoots out, almost taking off Obi's head in the process. Obi-Sapphire: *mutters* Maybe this wasn't such a good idea after all. Jedeite: How exactly did my father die? I mean, who cares about my mother - obviously not George Lucas, but how did he meet his end? Obi-Sapphire: A young Jedi named Darth Vader, who was a pupil of mine until he turned to evil, helped the Empire hunt down and destroy the Jedi Knights. He betrayed and murdered your father. Now the Jedi are all but extinct. Vader was seduced by the pink side of the Force. Jedeite: The Force? Obi-Sapphire: Well, the Force is what gives a Jedi his power. It's an energy field created by all living things. Jedeite: *mutters* sounds a lot like chemistry to me. Deciding he's been ignored long enough R2D2 makes several beeping noises - after all, he is the reason why they are here, not just for some god forsaken chat about the force and such. Obi-Sapphire: Lets see what the bot has to say then. After several minutes of playing around and randomly pressing buttons, Obi seems to miraculously hit the right one. Obi-Sapphire: I seem to have found it. Jedeite stops his work as the lovely man's image flickers before his eyes. Zoisite: General Kenobi, years ago you served my father in the Clone Wars. Now he begs you to help him in his struggle against the Empire. I regret that I am unable to present my father's request to you in person, but my ship has fallen under attack and I'm afraid my mission to bring you to Alderaan has failed. I have placed information vital to the survival of the Rebellion into the memory systems of this R2 unit. My father will know how to retrieve it. You must see this droid safely delivered to him on Alderaan. This is our most desperate hour. Help me, Obi-Wan Kenobi, you're my only hope. There is a little static and the transmission is cut short. Obi-Sapphire: Damn royalty - they can be so bossy. *sigh* You must learn the ways of the Force if you're to come with me to Alderaan. Jedeite: Can't, my uncle will kill me - like you said he doesn't like that hocus pocus stuff. Obi-Sapphire: Learn about the Force, Jedeite. Jedeite: Look, I can take you as far as Anchorhead. You can get a transport there to Mos Eisley or wherever you're going, but that's it. Obi-Sapphire: It's your decision I suppose. Duo: *sounding bored* EXTERIOR: TATOOINE -- WASTELAND. The speeder stops before what remains of the huge Jawas Sandcrawler. Jedeite and Obi walk among the smouldering rubble and scattered Jawa bits. Jedeite: Oh look, there's a bit of arm there, part of a face there... Obi-Sapphire: Half a leg there ... ::Cairnsy: damn morbid villains:: Jedeite: It looks like Sand people did this, all right. Look, here are Gaffi sticks, Bantha tracks. It's just...I never heard of them hitting anything this big before. Obi-Sapphire bends down and examines pink flakes on the sand. Obi-Sapphire: They didn't - but we are meant to think they are. See these pink flakes? Only an Imperial Soldier has armour in this particular shade. and that smell? Faint as it is it has the sickening sweet smell of candy floss. Jedeite: These are the same Jawas that sold us R2D2 and 3PAmi. Why would troopers want to kill jawas? I know they are annoying and all - but still. Jedeite looks back at the speeder where Artoo and 3PAmi are inspecting the dead Jawas, and put two and two together. Jedeite: If they traced the robots here, they may have learned who they sold them to. And that would lead them home! Jedeite reaches a sudden horrible realisation, then races for the speeder and jumps it. Obi-Sapphire: Wait! Jedeite races off leaving Obi and the two robots alone with the burning Sandcrawler. Obi-Sapphire: Bastard. How exactly are we going to get home - walk? Chichiri: *sigh* EXTERIOR: TATOOINE -- WASTELAND. Jedeite races across the wasteland in his battered Land speeder. Duo: *yawn* EXTERIOR: TATOOINE -- LARS HOMESTEAD. The speeder roars up to the burning homestead. Jedeite jumps out and runs to the smoking holes that were once his home. Debris scattered everywhere and it looks as if a great battle has taken place. Pink smoke is floating out of the building and the odd flower is beginning to grow. Jedeite: Uncle Haruka! Aunt Michiru! Uncle Haruka! Jedeite stumbles around in a daze looking for his aunt and uncle. Suddenly he comes upon their smouldering pink remains. He is stunned, and cannot speak. Hate replaces fear and a new resolve comes over him. Jedeite: Damn them - It was my birthday in a week and they had promised they were going to get me a Buick - the crusty land speeder is just so uncool. Whoever did this is going to PAY!!! A good a reason as any I suppose for revenge. Duo: *singing* EXTERIOR: SPACE. Imperial TIE fighter races toward the Death Star. Chichiri: INTERIOR: DEATH STAR -- DETENTION CORRIDOR. Two storm troopers open an electronic cell door and allow guards to enter. Prince Zoisite's face is filled with defiance, which slowly gives way to fear as a giant purple torture robot enters, followed by Darth Diamond. Prince Zoisite: I do NOT do fear! ehem. Darth Diamond: And, now Your Highness, we will discuss the location of your hidden Rebel base. The torture robot gives off a steady beeping sound as it approaches Prince Zoisite and extends its mechanical arms. Suddenly it smiles. Purple torture device: Time for tubby torture? Zoisite tries to back away but is forced back against the wall of the cell. The door slides shut and the long cell block hallway appears peaceful. The muffled screams of the Rebel prince are barely heard above the sound of "time for telly bubbies" and "Group Hug!!!" ::Duo: *shudder* That wasn't very nice Cairnsy:: ::Cairnsy: that's the whole point of torture Duo:: Chichiri: EXTERIOR: TATOOINE -- WASTELAND. Jedeite decides that maybe leaving an all powerful Jedi in the middle of the Desert wasn't such a good idea and returns. Obi-Sapphire : There's nothing you could have done, Jedeite, had you been there. You'd have been killed, too, and the droids would be in the hands of the Empire. Jedeite: How the hell do you know what happened?! You were here the whole time. Obi-Sapphire: *shrugs* I read the script while I was waiting for you to return. Jedeite: Plausible enough. I want to come with you to Alderaan. There's nothing here for me now. I want to learn the ways of the Force and become a Jedi like my father. Duo: EXTERIOR: TATOOINE -- WASTELAND. The Land speeder with Jedeite, Artoo, 3PAmi, and Obi in zooms across the desert. The speeder stops on a bluff overlooking the spaceport at Mos Eisley. It is a haphazard array of low, grey, concrete structures and semi-domes. A harsh gale blows across the stark canyon floor. Luke adjusts his goggles and walks to the edge of the craggy bluff where Obi is standing. Obi: Mos Eisley Spaceport. You will never find a more wretched hive of scum and villainy. Jedeite: FINALLY we run into something of interest. Obi simply nods. Duo: EXTERIOR: TATOOINE -- MOS EISLEY -- STREET. The speeder is stopped on a crowded street by several combat-hardend storm troopers who look over the two robots. A Trooper questions Jedeite, after admiring him from head to toe. Trooper: How long have you had these droids? Jedeite : About three or four seasons. Obi-Sapphire: They're for sale if you want them. Trooper: Let me see your identification. Jedeite becomes nervous and flustered in a cute sort of way as he fumbles to find his ID while Obi speaks to the Trooper in a very controlled voice. Obi-Sapphire: You don't need to see his identification. Trooper: You don't need to see his identification. Obi-Sapphire: No! YOU don’t need to see his identification Trooper: No! YOU don’t need to see his identification. Obi-Sapphire: No! No - you stupid ... Trooper: No! No - you stupid .... Jedeite Skywalker rolls his eyes before stepping in. Removing the storm troopers helmet he locks lips with the strangely good looking trooper and draws him into a deep, long kiss. ::Cairnsy: sigh:: Pulling apart he smiles. Jedeite: You don’t need our identification right - these droids aren’t the ones you are looking for. The storm trooper nods dumbly, still shell shocked by the kiss. Obi-Sapphire: That wasn’t very conventional Jedeite the great Jedi Knight comments as they pass the Trooper. Jedeite: Neither is your singing. Nodding at how quickly Jedeite is learning he notices a piece of paper in Jedeite’s hand. Obi-Sapphire: For crying out loud Jedeite - you got his number?! Remember, you don’t get laid in this fic - not at ALL. Jedeite: Hmph. Duo: INTERIOR: TATOOINE -- MOS EISLEY -- CANTINA. Jedeite and his two mechanical servants follow Kenobi into the smoke-filled cantina. The murky, mouldy was filled with a startling array of weird and exotic aliens. A huge, rough-looking Bartender stops them as he enters and falls to his knee’s in front of Obi Bartender: Oh! I am so sorry you’re slugllyness - I didn’t know you were coming - would you please forgive this poor fool who didn’t realise his bar was to be graced by the presence of Darian the Hutt. Obi: I am NOT Darian the Hutt! I am Obi - Sapphire Kenobi, Jedi Knight! How in the world you stupid people mistake that slug for me ...?! Bartender: Oh - just a Jedi. Hmph. Well, your droids can’t come in here - we don’t serve their kind. Obi and Jedeite exchange a glance before shrugging and leaving the bots by the door, cleverly disguised as a coat hanger and shoe rack. After looking around the bar Jedeite notices Obi talking to a wook ... ::Cairnsy: Nephrite - you are suppose to be in costume:: Nephrite: *smirk* I am. *Looks down at his tight AND revealing black outfit* ::Cairnsy: That’s not what I meant! Your wookie outfit!:: Nephrite: you didn’t seriously think I would wear that did you? *Sniff* I do have some pride. *sigh* ...talking to a wookie. This is Neffybaka, the last half of his name applies to the fact that the BAKA refused to wear a damn costume, so just looks like a sexy Nephrite in black. Jedeite: A very sexy ... did I just say that?! Augh, I take it back Obi-Sapphire: *rolls eyes* This is Neffybaka Jedeite, he ... Get off of Jedeite’s lap you baka! Jedeite sighs in relief as the giant would be hair ball if he’d worn his damn COSTUME slides off his lap. Neffybaka: *pout* That’s Neffybaka to you. Obi-Sapphire: *sigh* AS I was saying, NeffyBaka co-pilots a ship that could take us to Alderaan. Neffybaka nods, before leading the pair over to a far side courner where Kunzite Solo is sitting. His silver hair dangles wildly down his back as he props his feet up on the table, crossing them. Wearing the typical scruffy clothes of a smuggler he strangely has two blood stripes running down the side of his trousers, showing that he has achieved some sort of Corellian honour in piloting. As the others sit down he rises his head and looks them in the eye. Kunzite: Kunzite Solo. I'm captain of the Millennium Falcon. Neffy here tells me you're looking for passage to the Alderaan system. Jedeite: Yes, indeed. If it's a fast ship. Kunzite: Fast ship? You've never heard of the Millennium Falcon? Obi: Should I have? Kunzite: It's the ship that made the Kessel run in less than twelve parsecs! ::Duo: what’s the Kessal run Cairnsy?:: ::Cairnsy: It’s a run between the Kessel spice mines and, uh - some other place:: ::Chichiri:I take it twelve parsecs is fast then?:: ::Cairnsy: *nods*:: Kunzite: (continued) I've outrun Imperial starships, not the local bulk-cruisers, mind you. I'm talking about the big Corellian ships now. She's fast enough for you, old - I mean young man. What's the cargo? Obi: Only passengers. Myself, the boy, two droids, and no questions asked. Kunzite: What is it? Some kind of local trouble? Jedeite: Let's just say we'd like to avoid any Imperial entanglements. Kunzite: Well, that's the trick, isn't it? And it's going to cost you something extra. Ten thousand in advance. Jedeite: Ten thousand? We could almost buy our own ship for that! Kunzite: But who's going to fly it, kid! You? Neffybaka: *slinks over to Jedeite, wrapping an arm around his shoulders seductively* I’ll pilot it for you for free Jeddy. Jedeite: Jeddy?! I thought I told you not to call me that - why you ... *launches himself at Neffybaka* * violent acts of - ah, violence cut out* Pulling apart Jedeite appears satisfied at the numerous bruises on the Wookies face, a very unhappy looking wookie’s face. Obi: Ah - anyway, we haven't that much with us. But we could pay you two thousand now, plus fifteen when we reach Alderaan. Kunzite: Sixteen, huh! ::Duo: It’s 17 you dolt! Who taught you maths?:: Kunzite ponders this for a few moments. Kunzite: Okay. You guys got yourself a ship. We'll leave as soon as you're ready. Docking bay Ninety-four. Obi: Ninety-four. After coming to an agreement Obi and Jedeite - plus the two cleverly disguised robots head to the docking bay, while the suave Solo, and rather battered Neffybaka remain behind. Kunzite: Seventeen thousand! Those guys must really be desperate. This could really save my neck. Get back to the ship and get her ready. And don’t give me that look! You can’t share a cabin with Jedeite Skywalker! And so ends the first part of the first part of the saga ::Duo: huh? There's more?!:: Will our hero’s save the prince? Will the rebels triumph over the empire? Will blue become a huge craze thanks to Darth Diamonds new and bold fashion statement? Will Jedeite EVER get laid? Tune into the second half of ANH soon! until then - this is a big “may the force be with you" from your narrorators ::Cairnsy: See ya!:: ::Duo: *sniff* don’t forget to write.:: ::Chichiri: No DA!:: Cairnsy and Duo: dadadaaaaaaaa, dadadadaaaaaaaaa, dadadaaaaaa Chichiri: Oh no - not again! I’m out of here - no da! ROLL CREDITS finiPD *Cairnsy collapses* Hell that took ages to write. As you S.W’s fans might have noticed parts of this are deliberately lifted from the script - such as several quotes etc, although most of them are *ehem* adjusted slightly. These quotes, as well as the characters etc belong to someone else, I’m just playing with them. *waves hand in front of Computer screen* You Will send feedback Reader:*mindlessly* You will send feedback. No! augh - stupid Jedi tricks - they never work.:) Cairnsy.