(A New Breed of Random Statement)
Why is it that "teddy" bears are naked, but nude beaches require you to have ID? Where ya gonna put it?
I didn't like singing in the shower, naked because I sounded awful. But naked in a crowded and hollow Cathedral, I certainly heard the roar of the crowd.
Dogs are like cats. Only, dogs don't land on their feet. Or eat cat food.
Eat rocks. It's good for what ails you. Well, unless you don't eat rocks. Then I guess food would be better. Or food on rocks. Then everyone's happy.
Tim backwards is mit. But few people can catch balls backwards. So just catch them forwards.
If man were to invent a cow that had the genes of every other animal, would it still taste like chicken? The answer is no.
Plums are purple. Oranges are orange. Raspberries are red. P and P. O and O. R and R. Blueberries are Blue. B and B. Get it? That's right! All fruits have a color.
The mighty mountains! Will they ever make sense?
How much wood could a woodchuck chuck, if a woodchuck could chuck wood? What a stupid question! It's hypothetical. Why don't I just ask, "How much poo could a Pooh Bear poo, if a Pooh Bear could poo, poo?" Hey, that's a great question...
Why is it that we drive on parkways, park on driveways, and I can't get a date?
Let me give you a situation and you tell me how it ends. Let's say a man goes into a bar and drinks until he's drunk. Should he drive his car home? The answer? Only if he has a car, because otherwise it's stealing.
Snow is white. Snow is white? Oh, now I get it. I was wondering why she was named that. But what's the deal with the dwarves?
I got in a fight with an ape at the zoo. Sure, he won the fight, but I'm not in a cage, now am I?
I was in confession once, and the priest told me to do Hail Mary's. He sure could catch a football.
I'll admit that I killed Betty, if you admit you're gay. The defense rests.
If people call you "pajama boy", don't fret. Just take them off. And when people call you "nude boy", learn to live with it. It's your own damn fault anyhow.
I hate words like loser, jerk, and idiot. Come on, people. Be original. I've heard those already.
I suppose if I were to be married, it would be a white wedding. Why change my skin color for just one day?
During Lion King when Mufasa died, my son started crying. I leaned over and told him that Mufasa comes back later on. My son, no longer crying, asked, "Really?" "No," I replied and laughed. He cried again, and my wife was angry, but the guy in front of us thought it was pretty funny.
Have you ever been attracted to someone you're not related to? Lucky guy.
No matter what anyone says, I don't believe in the existance of aliens... or Wyoming.
Why can't we all just get along? Because you took my lawnmower.
Teeth are pretty scary if you think about it. I don't, cause I'll get scared.
Did you realize you can't eat battery acid? Me neither.
Growing up, I was fat. So I didn't call slides "slides". I called them "get the jaws of life".
It was night. I was in my jacuzzi, and I looked up at the stars. I began to ponder what was up there... and... who was licking my feet?
McDonald's gives me gas. I like gas. Therefore, by deductive logic, I'm disgusting.
I hate can openers, because they open cans. Sure, it's irrational, but I could just as easily hate you, so pipe down!
Firemen and policemen. What do they have in common? Weekly visits to my house.
If life is like milk, I'd be lactose intolerant. And dead.
Can God make a sandwich so big he can't eat it? Yes, and it would be peanut butter. Mmm, peanut butter.
If I were a woman, I think I'd be a flirt. Then I could give myself fake numbers and pretend I wanna go out with me, when in actuallity, I have no intention of ever seeing me again. Hey, why am I wearing panties?
I love, love, LOVE Disneyland. The rides are amazing, the atmosphere is happy, the food is delicious, and I like tripping little kids.