Chapter 11

Things were always so complicated between them. He didn't know whether to blame himself for being such a jerk or blame her for leaving him standing alone. Honestly, he had no idea what he even wanted to talk to her about, but he knew he had to see her. But he was in so much pain, and talking to her the other night made him realize that maybe he needed to talk some more.

It seemed to come out so easily as he sat across from her, telling his secrets. She had listened with interest and even shared a bit of herself. It was obvious to him that she had her own life. Things were happening in her life that he knew nothing about. It bugged him that he wanted to know more. That when she left work at the end of the day and they went their separate ways, he missed her. There were things about her that drove him insane, things that annoyed him beyond belief, but he wanted to change none of those things. He had closed himself for so long; he had forgotten what it meant to care. It actually hurt him inside, and he hated it.

Wanting nothing more than to stop thinking, stop overanalysing, he stormed out of the club. There was only one place to get his mind off of Chloe. Somewhere he went often when life seemed too much to bear. He changed his clothes and went to the near-empty gym. Starting with free weights, he lifted repeatedly, blocking out any noise.

Her face, voice, smell still consumed his senses, as he sweated generously while he ran on the treadmill. He figured he was going crazy. Even when he was with Lisa, he didn't remember being this consumed with her. Was it because he couldn't have her? He couldn't explain it, but he wanted more of her. He had gotten a taste of her at dinner. Lord help him, he was hungry for more.

This was exactly what he didn't want. Never did he want to be put in the position where his life revolved around someone else, but it was happening, and there was nothing he could do. People said you can't choose who you love. If he had it his way, he planned to defy every rule of nature. He didn't want to love her, or even like her for that matter. He planned to keep his feelings locked up where they couldn't hurt anyone.

Finally exhausted by his extensive workout, he stepped into the shower, letting the warm water fall against his worked body. After a lather and rinse, he stepped out and covered himself with a towel. As he dressed, his mind wandered involuntarily. He remembered Chloe's face as she told him her personal story. It was hopeless. No matter how hard he tried, he couldn't get her out of his mind. Love was a mistake. It came with too many sacrifices and hurts. He wasn't prepared to lose himself again to another woman.

When he finally went home and settled himself in bed, he struggled to find sleep. It was a battle he had with himself most nights……

They lay, curled up in bed together. It was already noon, and they had been up for hours, but every time she made a move to leave the bed, he pulled her back close to him.

"You know once we're married, you'll have to give up the shop," she stated in a sleepy voice, carelessly.

"What? Why would I do that?"

"Do you think you're going to work there your whole life, Brady? My father says it would be more suitable if you came to work for him," Lisa told him, as she lay in his arms.

"Oh, is that what your father says?" Brady replied, ceasing his light caresses on her arm.

She turned against his body. Putting her hand against his chest, she faced him. "Brady, don't be like that."

"How should I be? You know how hard I worked to get it off the ground. You know about the fights that I had with my own father over it. If I wanted to work in some stuffy office, I could have gone to work for my father at Basic Black."

"I know, but Daddy says it would be good for our future."

"Lisa, I really don't care what your father thinks. I care what you think. Is that what you want? Would you rather I worked at a job that I hated and will probably lead me to an early grave, or would you rather I did something I loved? Something that means more to me than just a profession?"

"Brady, I want you to be happy, but I don't want to disappoint my father. I want you to wear a suit to work, not overalls."

Brady pulled away from her, sitting up in bed. "Are you ashamed of me?" he asked harshly.

"It's not that."

"I can't believe this! You are! What, I'm not good enough for you now?" he raised his voice and stood up, pacing around the room.

"That's not it, Brady," she said, kneeling on the bed, pulling him in front of her. "It's just..."

"Just what?"

"Sometimes, I think you care more about that place than you do about me."

"Don't be ridiculous! I love you more than anything." Lightly, he touched her cheek, smiling down at her.

"Then prove it to me, Brady. Tell me you'll give up the shop when we get married."

"I'll do anything for you." He smiled.

She crushed her lips against his and pulled him on top of her. She laughed as they fell against the bed and made love.

Still awake as the tortured memories swirled in his head, Brady picked up his ringing telephone. "Hello!"

"Hey!"

"Who is this?"

"It's Chloe."

"Oh."

"Are you mad? Did I wake you up?"

"No."

"Brady, you are mad. Look, I'm sorry about last night. I wasn't thinking. I mean you have been avoiding me for days. What was I supposed to think?"

"I don't know. It doesn't matter now. What do you want?" he said grumpily.

"I wanted to know if you were coming in to work today."

"Not that it's any of your business, but no."

"Are you sick?" she asked, concerned.

"No."

"Then what's wrong?"

"Nothing's wrong. As the owner of the business, I'm entitled to take a few days off if I so choose."

"So you might not be in for a few days?"

"I have no idea."

"Are you sure nothing''s wrong? I could bring you some food if you're sick, or I could..."

Brady cut her off. "Look, I'm fine. I just have some things to do."

"Oh."

"Okay. Well, see ya," he said, about to hang up the phone.

"Brady, wait!"

"What is it?"

"Why do we do this?"

"Do what?"

"We keep going from friends to enemies."

"I don't know, Chloe," he said in an exhausted voice. Truthfully, he couldn't explain his feelings from one day to the next.

"I've missed you," she said, holding her breath, waiting for a response.

"I...I have to go. Bye."

Chloe didn't even have a chance to respond. He didn't give her the chance. The last thing he needed was more complications, especially on a day like this.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Brady stuffed his suitcase with everything he would need for the trip. Toothbrush, toothpaste, deodorant, clean clothes, anything he could think of. Whatever he forgot, he could pick up on the road. At the airport, he stood outside smoking when he heard the call for his flight. It had been a long time since he had been back to Salem. He didn't plan on staying long, or even seeing his father or sister and certainly not Marlena or any of his step siblings. He had one painful destination.

He woke up from a shaky flight as the plane set down on the strip. Taking his bag, he hailed a taxi and went to the Salem Inn. Once he booked a room and settled himself, he picked up the phone and called the florist shop. After that, he had a shower and cleaned himself up. He pulled a baseball cap onto his head and pushed it down far, shielding his eyes. He didn't want to be recognized. And in a small town like Salem, it was hard to do.

Finally, he picked up his bouquet from the store and walked the rest of the way. Opening the iron gate slowly, he tried not to make it squeak. It was still the same as he remembered it. Of course it was winter, so the wildflowers were now covered and the trees were bare, but it was still the most magical place he had ever seen. He walked up the small path, smelling the fresh winter air.

Slowly, he crouched down, planting his knee in the snow. He gently rested the flowers against the marble stone. Quietly, he traced the lettering over the grave as a few tears slid down his face and melted the snow as they hit the ground. This was a place of solitude for him. Ever since he was a child, he came to be by himself and to feel his mother.

No one ever spoke of her, so he had to learn about her on his own. He knew she loved the smell of lavender, and that she used to drink tea by the fire. Someone once told him that she loved to laugh and told a good joke. She used to tie ribbons in her hair if it was windy, and she loved anything to do with music. Dancing was her favourite. She had even taken a few lessons in her life. All he knew about her he heard in passing and could count on his fingers.

Unfortunately, he could never laugh with her, or drink tea by the fire, or hear her talk. The only thing he could do was bring her flowers and pour out his soul. He felt so connected to her, but he couldn't remember her face. Even her pictures that he carried in his wallet could never do her justice. Her beauty was eternal; and when she had died, he knew heaven had taken his angel.

All he could do was stare at the cold stone and wrack his brain for even a single memory. His father never talked about Isabella. It was like a sin to mention her name while he grew up. Not only with his father, but with Marlena too. She never acknowledged the woman that had given birth to him nor cared enough to tell him about her. When he found out about her, that Marlena wasn't his real mother, he wanted to know more. So he broke into his father's safe and stole anything with her name on it. There wasn't much, a few letters, a poem, and a picture. He read those letters until his eyes hurt and memorized that poem. Even to this day, he remembered the words.

If he closed his eyes and tried really hard, he could try to imagine her sitting by the fire, drinking camomile tea, writing with a fine ink pen. Of course it wasn't a real memory, but one he clung onto to get him through the lonely years. Sometimes, he would silently wonder to himself if he was anything like her. He thought about her often, not only in his childhood, but even now. What would she think of the man he was? Would she be disappointed? Or would she have taken him in her arms and told him she loved him like Jared's mother had done the day of the funeral? He didn't know the answers to those questions and probably would never know. But he clung to the hope that she was watching over him.

He sat there for a long time, unaware of the prickling cold in his legs and fingertips. So often he had spoken to her aloud, but it just didn't seem right this time. He was afraid to speak, afraid that the wind would carry away his words and betray his secrets. It seemed silly to think that way, but when he came to see her, he always felt younger and more vulnerable than he was.

He leaned over against the gravestone, touching the top and corners, almost like he could feel her spirit there. Finally, he stood up. The knees of his pants were soaked through from the cold snow, but he didn't seem to mind. He shivered from the icy chill of the wind whipping against his face and clothes, but it didn't matter. He would stay there in a blizzard if he had to. It was the only place where he felt safe.

After he had made his peace, he gave one last look at his mother's grave before he walked away. Back in his hotel room, he ordered a bottle of tequila from room service and forgot about dinner. Sitting by the fire, he opened the bottle and drank away his pain.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Chloe moped around the auto shop all day, saddened by her phone call to Brady from the previous day. When she told him she missed him, she meant it. He was becoming a big part of her life. She had shared some of her memories with him, something which was hard for her to do. When she buried something so deep inside of her and then let it out, there were things that happened. She began to trust the person she''d told. Chloe wanted Brady to return her trust. She wanted him to feel that he could come to her for anything. Sadly, she knew he had more problems than she could contend with.

It was around lunchtime when Chloe caught up with Jared. "Hey," she barely got out, as she slumped down on the bench next to Jared.

"Hey. What's the matter?"

"Nothing."

"Then why do you look all depressed?"

"It's nothing," Chloe sighed.

"So this has nothing to do with the fact that Brady didn't come in again today?"

"No. Why would you think that?"

"I just thought you two were getting closer. Becoming friends and all that."

"We were."

"So what's the problem?"

"He just keeps pulling away. I'm just wondering if he's at home sick and won't tell me because he doesn't want to depend on anyone."

"That's not the reason," Jared said quietly.

"Do you know what's wrong?"

"He went to Salem."

"Why did he go there?"

"He had someone to visit. See, his mother died when he was just a few months old, and yesterday was the anniversary."

"Oh, I didn't know. Why didn't he just tell me that?"

"This is Brady we're talking about. He doesn't want people to get too close to him. He doesn't want to be known. Brady didn't have a typical childhood. He still has a lot of pain and anger that he has to deal with."

"Thanks for telling me, Jared."

"I can see that you care for him, but don't bring it up. He gets really protective," he said, turning away from her.

Chloe faced him and kissed him on the cheek lightly. "I'm sorry. I know this must be hard on you."

"Don't worry about me. Just take care of yourself," he said, trying to smile. "Okay, I guess I should get back to work."

Chloe sat there for a while, thinking about what Jared had told her. Maybe they had more in common then she ever thought. One thing was obvious. Brady was hurting, and maybe that night she blew him off, he was going to tell her about his mother. She would never know for sure but got angry at herself because she wasn't there when he needed her. Now, he might not ever trust her again.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Brady boarded the plane and said goodbye to Salem. He had managed to not be seen by anyone in the three days he was in town. Now he was going back to crowded New York to face everything head on. Somehow he felt stronger, able to go on. After he had first broken up with Lisa, he couldn't bear to go anywhere, but then he came home for a while to visit with Belle. He found himself at his mother's grave then too. After that trip, he tried to forget about Lisa but obviously went about it the wrong way. All the drugs, drinking and women would eventually catch up with him, he knew, but it was a hard habit to break.

Now he was going to have to confront Chloe. He wasn't sure what he wanted to say to her. He knew he still wasn't ready to lay his feelings or his heart on the line. But he wanted her to know that he would try his best to be a good friend.

He put his things back in place at his apartment. He was intent on finding Chloe and talking some things out.