Chapter 16

Avoidance. That was the only way to describe Brady's actions after the night of the party. He was ashamed. So much so, it hurt. He had betrayed his friend and hurt Chloe all at once, neither of which he wanted to do. Now he had no idea what to say to her. He had never gotten remotely close to anyone, after he had broken up with Lisa. It looked like his days of womanizing were over, as he couldn't bear to touch another female other than Chloe. Nor could he erase the image of her, young and vital in his arms, ready to take him.

He shook his head to try to coax the image away. But there she was, and he feared she always would be. It was like he could almost hear Lisa's voice, mocking him. Tormenting him, telling him he would never be happy. She still had power over him, even in the years they had been apart. He had the scar on his knuckle to remind him of the low points, and nothing to remind him what was good about love.

Faintly for a time, he remembered being happy, and as he watched Chloe through the glass door, a smile almost reached his lips. It quickly faded, and he remembered that he was becoming so vulnerable, sharing his feelings with Chloe, sharing himself. There was only one person he had ever been able to count on: himself. But now there was this woman who seemed to know him so well. The thought was more than frightening. How could he reveal who he was to someone else and have them accept him for who he was? Chloe didn't want to change him. How was it possible that she cared for him the way he was now? She didn't expect anything from him. He'd never known that kind of freedom before, the ability to act any way and still have a person there to tell him that none of it mattered and they cared anyway.

Brady wanted to tell her how much that meant to him, how everything she told him that night made him think and really feel. On the rooftop, he wanted to take her in his arms and hold her close against his skin to make sure she really existed and wasn't the product of his high. But he hadn't done any of those things. Those things were so intimate, so frightening. He would have to admit that he needed someone.

Still, what they had done earlier that night in his room wasn't right either. He watched Jared cross the shop outside of his office. The last thing he wanted to do was hurt his lifelong friend, but he owed it to him to tell him the truth. Taking a deep breath, he walked out the door, ready to confess. Jared had to know. He couldn't hide it any longer.

Brady tapped Jared on the arm. Jared spun around, taking off his safety glasses and smiling at Brady. He knew this was going to be hard, but it had to be done, for the sake of their friendship. "So, Jar, how's life treatin' ya?"

"Not too bad."

"And how is the lovely Brandi?"

"I wouldn't really know. We kind of called it quits."

"You what? Why?" Brady swallowed hard. It was going to be even harder to tell Jared the truth, knowing that he now had no one to support him.

"She was just too perfect. We didn't have a lot in common. You know my past, Brady. I just couldn't tell her about that. I've always been a loner. Why stop now?"

Brady shook his head. Of course he was disappointed, but he couldn't blame Jared. Life was a struggle for him when it came to dating. He needed a kind of girl that he could open up to and that was willing to listen. Although Brandi was extraordinarily nice, she couldn't possibly understand what life had been like for Jared, nor the struggles he still felt as an adult. There was still a certain amount of fear that he might turn out to be like his father. Brady knew Jared was wrought with insecurities, and few people knew of his past. Jared would rather forget, and that was part of the reason they never talked about it. It was just too painful, too embarrassing.

Brady bowed his head in shame. It had been him who wanted to set Jared and Brandi up, and he never realized until then that it had been for selfish reasons. He wanted Jared to get over Chloe. Maybe so he couldn't have her, or maybe so he had time to sort out his own feelings. He really didn't know. All he knew was that he had been wrong. "That's too bad, man. I'm sorry."

"It's all right."

"So do you want to hit the town tonight?"

"Actually, I can't. I have plans."

A sudden panic washed over Brady. All he could think about was Chloe and that maybe Jared wasn't over her yet. That maybe Chloe had figured out that Brady was beyond help and moved on, forgetting their one night full of lust and tossing it aside like it didn't matter. "Plans? With who?"

"With Brandi."

"I thought you just said that you broke up."

"We did."

"So then...okay, I'm lost."

"I still enjoy her company. We're friends."

"Oh, well, that's good, I guess."

"So how are things going with Chloe?"

"What do you mean?" Brady snapped defensively. "There's nothing going on."

"Relax! I just was wondering if you guys were getting along any better."

"I guess. Chloe's a complicated girl."

"Yeah, she is."

"Look, you know I would never do anything to hurt you, right? I mean, if you don't want me to be around Chloe, I won't."

"Brade, there are things I've come to realize. Like you can't mess with fate."

"Meaning?"

"Meaning if you and Chloe are meant to be together, who am I to stop it?"

"Now, I'm really confused. What are you saying?"

"I think that you two can help each other. I'm not an idiot, Brady. I know she's never going to feel a certain way about me, but you're another story. I watch the two of you together, and I have to say she's the best thing to happen to you in a long time. In the brief time that you've known her, I've seen you let go of some of that anger that you carry around with you. I see her look at you. I know she feels something for you. And I see the way you look at her."

"Jared, I'm sorry, man. I just……"

"Don't apologize. I should be the one doing that. I had no right to make you promise not to go after her. I already see a change in you. So leave everything in the past, and forget what I said. I think you need her, so don't worry about me."

"I don't know what to say. I don't know what I'm feeling. I will admit that I haven't felt like this...this good in a long time."

"I know," Jared simply stated, motioning to put his safety glasses back on.

"Jar, I have to tell you something. It's eating me up inside."

"Shoot."

"The night of your birthday party, me and Chloe, we sorta----what I mean is that----well, we almost had sex. I didn't mean for any of this to happen, but it was like we couldn't stop ourselves."

Jared nearly dropped his goggles to the floor. "But you didn't?"

"No, I couldn't."

"You couldn't? You're saying you're the one that stopped it?"

"That's what I'm saying."

"Well, why the hell did you do that?"

"I don't know. I can't explain it." Brady looked back at his friend with shame in his eyes. "There's been other times, too."

"I know."

"What do you mean 'you know?''"

"I have eyes Brady, and I have ears. People talk; people see things. You two think you're fooling everyone. The truth is you're only fooling yourselves."

"I don't know what people are gossiping about, but there is nothing going on."

"Right!" Jared said, rolling his eyes. "Well, what does Chloe think about all this?"

"I don't know," he said, shrugging his shoulders dramatically.

"What do you mean ''you don't know?'' Didn't you talk to her?"

"No. Not since that night."

"Brady, are you going to be an ass your whole life?"

"What is that supposed to mean?"

"Find the girl, and talk to her."

"Dammit, it's not that simple, and you know it," Brady said, raising his voice and slamming his fist against the hood of the car, denting it. "I don't know what to say."

"Brady, it's only going to get worse if you don't do something about it soon. Do you want this girl?"

"I don't know."

"Well, you better find out before someone else comes along that's willing to treat her with some respect and sweep her off her feet. Do you know what it's like for me to see jerks like you play with girls like their toys, and they fall for you anyway?"

Brady only shook his head, feeling very ashamed.

"No, you couldn't. I don't want you to be one of those guys, Brady. I want you to remember who you are. If Chloe means anything to you, don't let her go."

"I know. It's just so hard. I don't even know what to say to her."

"Life is hard, Brady, but we live it every day. It'll get easier. Just be there for her, and let her be there for you, for God sakes. The words will come to you."

"Thanks, man. Are we cool?"

"Yeah, we're cool. Now, I'm going to have to fix that," Jared said, pointing to the damaged car.

"Yeah, sorry about that."

"Get outta here, and go find Chloe." Jared put his goggles back on and was about to return to what he was doing, but he turned around instead, calling after Brady. "Don't screw this up. She's the best thing you've had in a long time. And Brady, if you hurt her, I'll never forgive you."

Brady nodded, knowing exactly what Jared was giving up for him, and went to Chloe's office.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

He watched her from the doorway. He could make out her profile perfectly. She hadn't seen him yet. Sitting at her desk, headphones covering her ears, she lightly hummed a tune unknown to Brady. Her hair was down, hugging her shoulders, almost stretching the full length of her back. She had a tiny braid just behind her ear. She had done it earlier herself out of boredom. He listened to the keyboard clink while she entered in digits and statistics for his business. She was stunning in every sense of the word. She literally amazed him. The more he got to know her, the more he wanted to know.

He had no idea what he was going to say to her, or if she would even listen. He knew now that he couldn't lose her. He didn't want to, but he was still afraid he would wind up pushing her away. Brady walked into the room then, unable to hold off on a conversation any longer. Just as he was about to touch her shoulder, she turned to look at him. He smiled down at her, but she did not return it.

Slowly, she removed her headphones and turned off the portable CD player in front of her. "What do you want?" she bit off coldly.

"We need to talk."

"No, we don't. I get the message, Brady. The other night was a mistake, and you want nothing to do with me. Now if you could just leave me alone, I have a lot of work to do, and frankly, this conversation we keep having is getting rather boring, don't ya think?"

"You don't even know what I came in here to say."

"No, not the exact sentences and pauses, but I know the gist of it. It goes something like this. The other night was a mistake, yadda, yadda. We should just stay friends, blah, blah. Is that good enough for you, Brady?" Chloe didn't even wait for a response. She put her headphones back on and turned the volume on full blast.

Brady spun her around in her chair and gently took the headphones from her ears, lightly caressing the side of her face. "Please, just listen to me."

She looked at his hand and tried not to let it affect her. As much as she wanted to close her eyes and lean into him, kissing his lips, she didn't. "I've heard all I want to hear, Brady. You can't keep doing this to me. You can say one thing, but I can see something else in your eyes. I can't win with you. One day I think you care, and the next you treat me like a complete stranger. What's it going to take?"

"What's what going to take?" he asked, still lightly stroking her cheek.

"What is it going to take for you to admit that you have feelings for me? Feelings just as deep as mine for you." Chloe placed her hand against his then, mimicng his actions against his skin.

"Chloe, I'm not ready for it yet, but I want to. You don't know how much I wanted to be with you the other night, but you know we would have regretted it. I'm admitting it now for the first time. Yes, Chloe, I care for you. And I'm scared. I'm only human. If this is going to work, we need to tell each other everything. Are you ready for that kind of honesty? And are you willing to tell me all of your deep, dark secrets?"

Chloe turned away from him, letting her hand drop to her side, her eyes moist and heart heavy.

"I didn't think so. I want this to work, Chloe, but it can't work if we're not willing to give up parts of ourselves or our pasts."

"I know," she said quietly.

"It'll take time and trust. We can start slow. Let's just try to be friends, and see where that takes us. I don't mean to be like this, to keep leading you on and then telling you it won't work right now. But it's the truth. I know you can't trust me yet. Hell, I don't even trust me yet. But I hope we can come to know one another and let ourselves be able to trust. I've never depended on anyone, Chloe, and I don't think you have either. It's hard for me not to question your motives because I've never had someone in my life who didn't want anything from me. But I'm trying. You have to give me credit for that."

She nodded, meeting his eyes and holding his stare. He bent down, bracing his arms against the chair, giving a tender kiss on her forehead.

"I'm going to go back to my office now. I'll stop distracting you," Brady said, smiling at her.

"Okay," she agreed, still caught up in her emotions. "Brady?"

"Yeah?"

"I really want this to work. I want you to know that."

Brady walked back to his office, praying he was doing the right thing.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

From the shadows, you can't be seen. You can hide in the darkness, among the leaves that gently sway in the breeze. Cowering next to a tree, people can barely make out your shape. If you are swift, you can walk behind someone unnoticed. You can be forgotten if you are silent enough, sleek enough. The world doesn't close in on you, if you don't realize it is there. If you live in a fantasy, you are afraid of nothing, you care for nothing. You are obscure, and so are your dreams. You turn into someone you barely recognize, becoming the shield you have hid behind for so long.

The bitter cold no longer bothers your rough skin. In fact, you welcome it. You feel alive as the cold rain hits you, and the dampness seeps into your pores. It is refreshing, revitalizing. The day, sleep, the sun, become your enemy. You have no time to follow the rules inflicted on society. You are above everyone, rules, the law, even God. Nothing matters in your mind but your mission.

People ignore your unkempt appearance and obvious tattoos. You are a menace in their eyes, and so they would rather stare past you than have to meet your gaze. So you hide in the shadows because you are comfortable there and people forget. It doesn't take much to make yourself invisible when no one wants to see you. It is a game that is played every day.

She pretends the shadows don't follow her home, pretends the chills are from the wind. In her heart, she knows it is him and picks up her pace. She cannot hear his footsteps, but she knows he is there. She can feel the hair on the back of her neck stick up as she crosses the street. She knows he is close. Waiting. Biding his time. Soon, he will be able to wait no longer. He will come out of the shadows, and there will be no turning back.

Today was not the day, she tells herself as she bolts the door closed behind her, slouching down to the floor. It could be tomorrow or the next, even the day after that. She doesn't know, and that's the way he likes it.