Mark Coen’s Cancel bowl 2001: Shave my Poodle!

Results

 

Eleven teams descended on Boston University’s College of Arts and Sciences building on June 23 to compete in this guerilla trash event.  The day started with a round robin playing on packs written by the competitors.  At the end of that, the standings were as follows:

 

TEAM	W	L	T
The Other Guys	9	0	1
A Dog’s Bollock	8	2	0
MIT Anal Dwarf	8	2	0
The Gulf of Orkin Resolution	7	2	1
Hazy Shade of Whitewalls	7	3	0
Darth Abitat	5	5	0
Yale Ugly at a Radcliffe Mixer	4	6	0
Question of Great Significance	3	7	0
MIT You Don’t Say No to Spring Byington	2	8	0
Princeton Wallowing In My Own Crapulence	1	9	0
That’s Not Oatmeal, It’s Gravy	0	10	0

 

Dog’s Bollock’s took the second seed as they had beaten MIT Anal Dwarf in the round robin.

 

Quick who’s who for teams not from any specific place:

 

The Other Guys: Phil Castanga, Rick Terpstra, and Tim Young (using other names)

Dog’s Bollocks: Kyle Pope and friends Carolyn, Diego, and Mike

The Gulf of Orkin Resolution: Mike Burger and Josh Levy

Hazy Shade of Whitewalls: BU’s Robin Duckworth and John Rea, and BU alums Allyson Mondoux and Matt Harper-Nixon

Question of Great Significance: Mike Hoey-Lukakis

That’s Not Oatmeal, It’s Gravy: Edmund Schluessel and his brother

 

Teams were seeded into three playoff brackets.  The first pitted 1 v. 4 and 2 v. 3, the second 5 v. 8 and 6 v. 7, and the last was 10 v. 11 to see who’d play team 9.  They played on a pack by Matt Bruce, described by one participant as “there was a bat loose in the pack.”   In any event, results:

 

The Gulf of Orkin Resolution                                  250

The Other Guys                                                       225     OT

 

Dog’s Bollocks                                                           300

MIT Anal Dwarf                                                       135

 

Hazy Shade of Whitewalls                                       260

Question of Great Significance                               110

 

Darth Abitat                                                              145

Yale Ugly at a Radcliffe Mixer                               70

 

Princeton Wallowing in My Own Crapulence       210

That’s Not Oatmeal, It’s Gravy                             135

 

 

This led to the final round, written by yours truly.  It was remarked as being hard, but not as being infested by any animals.  Looking at the scores, a bat or two may have been to the pack’s advantage.

 

Third Division Championship:

 

Princeton Wallowing in My Own Crapulence       120

MIT You Don’t Say No to Spring Byington          60

 

Second Division Runner-Up

 

Yale Ugly at a Radcliffe Mixer                                125

Question of Great Significance                               65

 

Second Division Championship

 

Hazy Shade of Whitewalls                                       151

Darth Abitat                                                              105

 

First Division Runner-Up

 

The Other Guys                                                       290

MIT Anal Dwarf                                                       30

 

CHAMPIONSHIP

 

The Gulf of Orkin Resolution                                  150

Dog’s Bollocks                                                           125

 

The winners took home the “I Can’t Believe We Won Cancel Bowl!” Trophy, a slap-dash combination of parts of last year’s trophy (left in my apartment last year) and a new bottle (given that the super glue wasn’t holding).  Runners-up received the inflatable love ewe that the Gerbils won at this year’s Beltway Bandits.

 

Re-prizing was more or less the theme of the awards, as I gave away things I’d been given as prizes at past events.  Top eight took awards ranging from a water-damaged copy of David Lee Roth’s Crazy From the Heat to a roll of six-inch gutter guard to a Glitter Girl make-up set.  Full individual results:

 

Kenny Mayne	Question	56.25
Brian	Darth	45
Josh	Orkin	44.167
Mike	Orkin	44.167
Edmund	Oatmeal	44.091
Chuck Cunningham	Other Guys	38.333
Kyle	Bollocks	36.25
Peter Scolari	Other Guys	33.75
Philpy	Darth	32.083
Ben	Yale Ugly	30.833
Greg Evigan	Other Guys	29.583
Matt	Whitewalls	27.5
Allyson	Whitewalls	26.667
Diego	Bollocks	26.25
Tanis	MIT Anal Dwarf	25
Matt	MIT Byington	20
Chris	MIT Byington	18.636
Larissa	Princeton	18.333
Mike	Bollocks	17.857
Steve	Princeton	16.667
Jon	Whitewalls	15.833
Shervin	MIT Anal Dwarf	15.417
Carolyn	Bollocks	14.583
Robin	Whitewalls	13.75
Ariana	Princeton	13.75
Evan B	Yale Ugly	12.917
Hareendra	MIT Anal Dwarf	12.5
Dan	MIT Anal Dwarf	11.667
Evan D	Yale Ugly	11.667
Eric	Oatmeal	8.1818
Colin	Yale Ugly	6.6667
Daniel	MIT Byington	5.4545
Jeff	Princeton	4.1667
Catherine	MIT Byington	0.9091

 

The funny names:

 

“Kenny Mayne” is Mike Hoey-Lukakis

“Chuck Cunningham” is Tim Young

“Peter Scolari” is Phil Castanga

“Greg Evigan” is Rick Terpstra

 

At this point I should give thanks to those who volunteered, thus making staffing a non-issue:

 

·        Sarah Harriman, reader extraordinaire, apparently not scarred from last year

·        Jon Couture, who I personally blame for all the golf

·        Mike Hoey-Lukakis, who I pressed into playing at the last minute

·        Edward DeGuzman, normally of Rutgers but who decided to get away from UMass-Amherst for a day to pitch in

 

And, of course, thanks to all of you who came and played!  Look for Mark Coen’s Cancel Bowl 2002: Burger Me!  in late June next year.