SMASH THE STATE
A weekly television series of political satire and commentary
Saturday, April 6, 1996
* The Monologue
* The Bottom Ten List:
"The Bottom Ten Ways Bob Dole Can Be More like Ronald Reagan"
* The Official Report
* Question Authority
* Viewer E-Mail
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THE MONOLOGUE
By Gary Johnson, Smash the State, April 6, 1996
(Live from Austin -- home of Sematech -- it's Saturday
night. And now for something completely dissident, here's Gary!)
Thank you. This is Smash the State. Welcome to our show.
(1) Steve Forbes, the former Republican candidate for
President, has agreed to host Saturday Night Live. A losing
politician hosting a live, Saturday night comedy show on
television? What a ridiculous idea!
(2) Newt Gingrich said this week that he will ask Ross Perot
not to run for President and to endorse Bob Dole instead. And if
that works, Gingrich will ask Bill Clinton not to run too.
(3) Taco Bell announced this week that it had purchased the
Liberty Bell and renamed it the Taco Liberty Bell. Unfortunately,
it was just an April Fools joke.
(4) Now that a suspect in the Unabomber case has been
captured, I guess President Clinton will be making speeches
comdemning Earth First! and left-wing environmentalists the same
way he condemned the National Rifle Association and right-wing
militia members after the Oklahoma City bombing. Right?
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THE BOTTOM TEN LIST
"The Bottom Ten Ways Bob Dole Can Be More like Ronald Reagan"
By Gary Johnson, Smash the State, April 6, 1996
Ladies and gentlemen, I hold in my hand this week's Bottom
Ten List. From the state headquarters on Cesar Chavez Street, the
category is the Bottom Ten Ways Bob Dole Can Be More like Ronald
Reagan.
Senator Bob Dole has won enough delegates in the primaries
for the Republican nomination for President. Dole once told an
audience that he would be anything they wanted him to be; he
could be Ronald Reagan -- if that's what they wanted. So, how can
he win one for the Gipper? Here are the Bottom Ten Ways Bob Dole
Can Be More like Ronald Reagan.
Minus 10, Run up a huge federal deficit. (Dole is already doing
that.)
Minus 9, Smile.
Minus 8, Tell jokes about being old.
Minus 7, Star in a movie with a chimp.
Minus 6, Profess a faith in religion but never attend church.
Minus 5, Promise to abolish the Department of Energy and the
Department of Education.
Minus 4, Blame everything on Jimmy Carter.
Minus 3, Hire Pat Buchanan as a speech writer.
Minus 2, Pick George Bush for Vice President.
And the Minus 1 way Bob Dole can be more like Ronald Reagan,
Consult an astrologer.
We have a great show for you. There is more to come. If this
be treason, make the most of it.
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"No man is good enough to govern another man without that other's
consent."
-- Abraham Lincoln
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THE OFFICIAL REPORT
By Gary Johnson, Smash the State, April 6, 1996
This is the Official Report. The stories you are about to
hear are true.
THE STATE OF THE WORLD
(1) The former President of Poland, Lech Walesa, has
returned to his old job in Gdnask as a $250-a-month electrician.
The former Solidarity union leader arrived at the shipyard in his
official Mercedes with a bodyguard who will make twice as much as
he does.
(2) President Clinton was loudly booed by the crowd in
Baltimore when he threw out the ceremonial first pitch of the
baseball season. The White House said that booing the President
when he threw the first pitch was "a tradition."
(3) A school gymnasium in Dunblane, Scotland, will be torn
down because it is where a man shot and killed 16 children and a
teacher. There is nothing wrong with the building but British
Prime Minister John Major said, "We must pull this down," and
relatives of the victims agreed. The local council, which says
money is available for a replacement gym, has asked the news
media not to cover the demolition.
THE NEW WORLD ORDER
(4) The Prime Minister of Japan, Ryutaro Hashimoto, signed
the documents to renew the lease to maintain the U.S. military
bases on the island of Okinawa. The Prime Minister was forced to
sign the leases after the governor of the island adamantly
refused to do so.
TO PROTECT AND SERVE
(5) The state of Mississippi disclosed this week that a
secret commission set up in the 1950's, the Mississippi
Sovereignty Commission, resisted desegregation by spying on and
keeping files on 87,000 people during the civil rights era.
(6) U.S. District Judge Harold Baer reversed a ruling that
cocaine and heroin seized in a drug case could not be used as
evidence because New York City police did not have probable cause
to search the trunk of a car. The judge had said that,
considering the history of police brutality, it was not unusual
for people in the neighborhood to run away when they saw the
police.
President Clinton, Senator Bob Dole, and Mayor Rudolph
Guiliani had criticized the original decision. But the judge did
not mention the pressure on him and said his turnabout was based
on "new evidence" presented by the government.
(7) Reason magazine reported that Joni Lynn Yorks, a special
agent for the IRS investigating tax-evasion schemes, was arrested
for filing tax returns listing fictitious dependents.
YOUR TAX DOLLARS AT WORK
(8) Last week, for the first time in history, the national
debt exceeded $5 trillion.
(9) In the portrait on the newly-designed $100 bills, Ben
Franklin has darker hair and looks less tired than on the old
bills.
(10) Barry Som pleaded guilty to welfare fraud after
allegedly bilking the state of Washington of hundreds of
thousands of dollars. Authorities promptly fired him from his job
with the state Department of Social and Health Services, which is
in charge of welfare programs.
READ MY LIPS
(11) President Clinton has nominated Charles Stack to be a
federal judge on the 11th Circuit Court of Appeals. Stack also
happens to have raised $7 million for the President's 1992
campaign. During his Senate confirmation hearings, he admitted
that he had not heard of a Adarand decision on affirmative
action. When Senator Jon Kyl of Arizona explained the Adarand
case and asked Stack if he agreed with it, Stack replied, "(If) I
were familiar with the Adarand decision, I would be greatly
enhanceed in my ability to give you an intelligent answer."
(12) Radio personality Don Imus was criticized for telling
jokes about President Clinton and Newt Gingrich as the keynote
speaker for a banquet in Washington, D.C., for the Radio and
Television Correspondents Association and attended by Clinton and
Gingrich. The White House Press Secretary even asked C-SPAN not
to rerun the program. C-SPAN refused, and probably drew a bigger
audience than if the White House had not complained. In reaction
to the controversy, Dom Imus said, "It doesn't get any better
than this."
(13) Finally, the quotation of the week. The punk rock group
the Sex Pistols are returning for a reunion tour, offering to
hold a benefit concert for Princess Di. Famous for its album,
Anarchy in the UK, the Sex Pistols said they would have no new
songs and would not even rehearse. Lead singer Johnny Rotten
explained why the group was getting back together, "We have a
common interest: your money."
And that's the Official Report, where you hear it's farce.
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QUESTION AUTHORITY
By Gary Johnson, Smash the State, April 6, 1996
(1) Dear Mr. Authority: It seems like everyone has a beeper
these days. But what about the homeless who cannot afford one? --
Signed, Clueless.
Dear Clueless: The Federal Communications Commission has a
proposal to provide beepers to the homeless. Top FCC officials
testified at a U.S. House hearing that the plan has been
circulated in draft form at the agency. The beeper proposal would
implement a provision of the telecommunications law intended to
ensure that everyone in the U.S. who wants phone service receives
it. The service would be funded by charges levied on phone users.
If you want to know what to do, question authority.
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You can be part of our studio audience. Smash the State is
seen every Saturday night at 8:30 on Austin Cablevision, channel
10. On most Saturday nights, our program is produced live at
Austin Community Television in the Main Studio at 1143
Northwestern Avenue, south of Rosewood Avenue. Our next live show
is two weeks from tonight on April 20th. Limited seating is
available.
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VIEWER E-MAIL
Smash the State, April 6, 1996
Smash the State is on the Internet on the World Wide Web.
Visit our web site at http://members.aol.com/sedition .
Smash the State welcomes electronic mail from viewers. Our
e-mail address is sedition@aol.com . Here is some actual e-mail
from actual e-viewers. Letter number 1. (Name withheld by
request)
"Gary,
"I wrote the following for you to consider for use in your
monolouge for STS. You don't have to mention my name.
"The Federal Election Committee just ruled that candidates
for the presidency who turn down federal matching funds do not
qualify for federal matching funds.
"Since qualifying for matching funds is often one of the
criteria to be on primary ballots or to participate in
presidential debates, this means that only candidates who accept
taxpayer-supplied 'welfare for candidates' will be allowed to
fully participate in presidential campaigns.
"If you don't take the bribe, you aren't qualified.
"Now if federal matching campaign funds were outlawed by the
supreme court or a constitutional amendment -- then we
wouldn't have to be subjected to these ridiculous primaries
and debates every 4 years!"
Thank you for your letter, Name Withheld By Request.
This letter refers to an Advisory Opinion by the FEC for the
Harry Browne for President Campaign in answer to the question,
May a Presidential campaign receive public funding certification
but refuse matching funds?
Harry Browne is a presidential candidate who qualifes for
federal campaign matching funds but he refuses to take them.
Although Browne qualified for matching funds last November,
the Federal Election Commission ruled on March 28 that it will
not certify his qualification unless he agrees to take the money.
Based on this ruling, if his campaign does not accept the
taxpayer subsidy from the federal Treasury, he will be shut out
of many aspects of the electoral process.
For example, Browne was kept off the Delaware primary ballot
because the state listed only candidates certified by the FEC as
qualifying for federal matching funds.
And Browne may be kept out of the presidential debates this
fall because qualifying for matching funds is one of the criteria
to determine which candidates will be allowed to participate.
In effect, the FEC ruled that Harry Browne must accept a
subsidy to fully participate in the election.
But Browne calls the matching funds program "welfare for
politicians." He says: "I want to end all federal welfare for
individuals, corporations, and politicians, so how can I accept
this subsidy? So far, primary candidates will receive more than
$40 million in matching funds, and the Democratic and Republican
nominees will each get a gift of $60 million from the Treasury to
finance their general election campaigns."
Harry Browne said he will finance his campaign "the
old-fashioned way -- by earning the trust and support of donors."
Again, thank you for your letter, Name Withheld by Request.
And thank you for giving us a lame excuse to finally mention the
name of Presidential candidate Harry Browne here on Smash the
State.
Send us your electronic mail. We may read it on the air.
Again, that e-mail address is sedition@aol.com .
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That concludes this episode of Smash the State for Saturday,
April 6, 1996, a date which will live in infamy.
Good-bye, everybody. Thank you for joining us. The
revolution will be televised.
(
geocities.com/capitolhill)