SMASH THE STATE

A weekly television series of political satire and commentary

Saturday, May 18, 1996

* The Monologue
* The Official Report
* Double Talk -
  "Government Policy Can Bring Down Gasoline Prices"
* The Light at the End of the Tunnel
_________________________________________________________________

THE MONOLOGUE
By Gary Johnson, Smash the State, May 18, 1996

     (Live from Austin -- the city with its own Music Commission
-- it's Saturday night. And now for something completely
dissident, here's Gary!)
     Thank you. Good evening, this is Smash the State. Welcome to
our show.
     (1) Bob Dole has surprised everyone by resigning from the
U.S. Senate before his term expired. Apparently, he wanted a head
start on collecting his generous Congressional pension.
     (2) The U.S. Postal Service carried out a sting operation
last week in which it sold child pornography in the mail. The
government actually took over a mail order firm that specialized
in child porn, using its mailing list. Still, there should have
been a tip-off that the Post Office was selling porno. Did you
notice this? Mr. Zip was replaced with Mr. Unzip. 
     (3) President Clinton was shocked to hear from teen-agers
who said they were able to buy cigarettes six out of ten times in
convenience stores, although sales of tobacco products to minors
were prohibited. At the same time, kids were able to buy illegal
drugs ten out of ten times from their classmates.
     (4) A jury has convicted a mother and father for the crimes
of their 16-year-old son. I think this trend of blaming the
relatives of criminals is going too far. What's next? Prosecuting
the brother of the Unabomber suspect? At least, the parents of
the Mendendez brothers won't be hauled into court.
     (5) The ValuJet airline crash near Miami has been the big
news story recently. This is getting serious. There are almost as
many plane crashes these days as Amtrak derailments.
     (6) You may recall that two weeks ago, the Official Report
profiled Boston's new transportation commissioner. William E.
Luster had caused three car accidents, received five speeding
tickets, and was arrested twice for driving with a suspended
license before he was hired to oversee traffic safety and parking
in Boston, Massachusetts.
     Well, there is some sad news. He has been forced to resign.
But on the bright side: For any other cities looking for a
traffic commissioner, Mr. Luster is now available. 
     We have a great show for you. There is more to come. If this
be treason, make the most of it.
_________________________________________________________________

THE OFFICIAL REPORT
By Gary Johnson, Smash the State, May 18, 1996

     This is a special edition of the Official Report, Austin
City Limits. The stories you are about to hear are true, only in
Austin.
     (1) The City Council has passed an ordinance requiring
bicycle riders to wear a helmet. Bike riders caught breaking the
law are subject to a $50 fine for the first offense and $100 for
each subsequent violation.
     (2) Two citizens banned by the Mayor from speaking to the
City Council at public hearings sued in federal court. One
accepted an agreement to have the ban lifted if he promised under
oath not to disrupt any more meetings. The Council had voted to
lift the ban on the other. The federal judge, Sam Sparks, called
the hearing a "silly proceeding." And the Mayor, Bruce Todd,
said, "If this happens again, I will press criminal charges for
disrupting a meeting."
     (3) For its live coverage of the election returns in the
recent City Council election, the municipal access cable channel
chose as its objective moderator, "journalist" and City Council
member Brigid Shea. When the selection generated some complaints
from viewers, Shea explained "Nobody is unbiased."
     (4) A curb cut provides wheelchair access between a sidewalk
and a street and usually costs less than $1,000. But the City
Council appropriated $365,000 for two curb cuts on the northwest
and southwest corners of Sixth and Brazos Streets.
     Nearly all of the money is to give the intersection a brick
overlay, redo the sidewalks in sandstone, and replace modern
lighting with "historic" lightpoles. But by calling it a curb
cut, the project can be funded with money for the Curb Ramp
Improvements Project. One advocate for the disabled, Jennifer
McPhail of ADAPT, told the Austin Chronicle, "It's corporate
welfare in the guise of access." But ADAPT endorsed it anyway.
     The overall beautifaction project requested by a lobby for
downtown landowners, the Downtown Austin Alliance, will cost
$597,000 and will be partly funded from a federal multi-modal
transportation grant.
     (5) The "Fair Campaign Funding Ordinance" is not off to a
good start. Under the city law, candidates who signed a
"contract" to abide by campaign contribution limits would be
eligible for some public funding during the campaign for a run-
off election. Candidates who did not voluntarily sign this
contract had to include a notice in their ads saying they did not
comply with the Fair Campaign Funding Ordinance.
     Most candidates did not sign the contract. Two candidates
who signed the contract made it into the run-off and may be
eligible for $21,662 in public funds. One candidate, Daryl
Slusher, has pledged not to accept the money. The other
candidate, Beverly Griffith signed the contract two weeks after
the deadline and exceeded the limit on funding from her own 
pocket, but still claimed compliance in her campaign literature.
     (6) The City Council debated a proposal for a new
bureaucratic position, Pedestrian Coordinator. Council Member Max
Nofziger offered this defense of the $45,000-a-year, full-time
job: "It's not silly." 
     And that concludes this special edition of the Official
Report, Austin City Limits, where you hear it's farce.. 
_________________________________________________________________

DOUBLE TALK
"Government Policy Can Bring Down Gasoline Prices"
By Gary Johnson, Smash the State, May 18, 1996

(ON THE LEFT)
     Gary, government policy can bring down gasoline prices.
     We should help the consumer by slapping a windfall profits
tax on the big oil companies. Why should the corporations that
drilled and produced the gasoline make a windfall when prices go
up? The government should make that windfall.
     President Clinton has shown decisive leadership by selling
some of the Strategic Petroleum Reserve, after the Republican
Congress authorized him to. By dumping a fraction of one day's
use of oil on the market, the federal government has already
brought significant relief to the consumer.
     Most important, the Clinton Administration is getting to the
bottom of this crisis with a full-scale anti-trust investigation.
Obviously, Chevron, Citgo, Exxon, Shell, Texaco, and those other
competitors are some sort of monopoly.

(ON THE RIGHT)
     Gary, government policy can bring down gasoline prices.
     We should repeal Bill Clinton's 4.3-cent-a-gallon gas tax --
without cutting federal spending an equal amount. Yes, we can cut
taxes and not cut spending. Trust me. It will work, just like
Voodoo -- I mean, Reaganomics did.
     It is too bad Bob Dole had to resign from the Senate after
he failed to get his gas tax cut through Congress, even though
the Republicans controlled a majority in both houses; but Bob
Dole will be an effective leader as President.
     One thing he can do is abolish Jimmy Carter's Department of
Energy, just like Ronald Reagan and George Bush promised to.
     Gas prices would be even higher if it were not for President
Bush's Gulf War, which preserved our access to Mid-East oil. And
when the sanctions on Iraq are lifted, prices will go down again.

(ON THE LEFT)
     Gary, you hatemongering, racist, Nazi, fascist, Neanderthal
pig. You have reached the right conclusions but for all the wrong
reasons.
     The federal government has to do something about the rise in
gasoline prices because the people want it to. It is perfectly
reasonable to expect the big oil companies to provide us with
cheap gasoline without letting them make unlimited profits.
     But since our two sides agree, there must be no alternative.

(ON THE RIGHT)
     Gary, you godless, Communist, bleeding heart, weirdo
pervert. You have reached the right conclusions but for all the
wrong reasons.
     The federal government has to do something about the rise in
gasoline prices because the people want it to. It is perfectly
reasonable to expect the big oil companies to provide us with
cheap gasoline without letting them make unlimited profits.
     But since our two sides agree, there must be no alternative.
_________________________________________________________________

THE LIGHT AT THE END OF THE TUNNEL
By Gary Johnson, Smash the State, May 18, 1996

     Finally, the era of big government is over.
     The Equal Employment Opportunity Commission has ended its
four-year investigation of Hooters. The EEOC had decided to end
its crusade to force the restaurant chain to hire men as waiters
to work alongside its scantily clad female servers.
     The federal agency charged Hooters with violating civil
rights laws. The EEOC offered to settle the case if the
restaurant would pay a $22 million fine and set up a scholarship
to boost job opportunities for men.
     The company refused and fought back with an advertising
campaign designed to make the bureaucracy look like a
laughingstock, featuring a "Hooters Guy" wearing a dress.
     EEOC Chairman Gilbert Casellas annnounced: "Denying any
American a job simply because of his or her sex is a serious
issue which should be taken seriously. The particular factual
issues raised by Hooters do not transform this into a frivolous
case or a subject for locker-room humor."
     But he finally has decided that "it is wiser for the EEOC to
devote its scarce litigation resources to other cases."
     You see, there is light at the end of the tunnel.
_________________________________________________________________

     That concludes this episode of Smash the State for Saturday,
May 18, 1996, a date which will live in infamy.
     Good-bye, everybody. Thank you for joining us. The
revolution will be televised.
_________________________________________________________________

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