Source: Spider Press Wire Service
Washington: Today President Clinton signed the controversial Americans with Disabilities Act II, which broadens the cloak of federal protection against discrimination in the workplace. Under the new law, most behavioral traits are protected from discrimination in hiring and job promotions, housing, and government contracts, closing what many have seen as a glaring loophole in America's fight against discrimination. Senate and House Democrats applauded the signing as a major step towards ending the eons old practice of discriminating against people based on their personality and communications skills. "Yesterday, people who didn't fit the rigid, preconcieved conservative notions of civility and decency were routinely discriminated against, in the classroom, in the workplace - but no more" said Henry Waxman (D-CA), who spearheaded the bill through congress. "Today people can express themselves as they want, and explore the limits of their personalities without the fear of being shut out by unforgiving or intolerant types. No one should be forced to submit to somone else's definition of civil or personable".
The signing ceremony was held in the rose garden of the Whitehouse before a star studded crowd that included actors Richard Gere, Sean Penn, and Tony Danza, former hotel magnate Leona Helmsley, singer Axl Rose, and many others who have allegedly been denied opportunities because of their often surly bevavior. Said actor Sean Penn, "It's about time... for years I've been the victim of discrimination.... it's really hurt my career. I've been virtually blacklisted because of my personality, and that's just wrong. Now I have the law on my side, to protect me from the stupid jerks that think they can tell people how to act. Now they can all kiss my ass". When asked to elaborate on his comments, Penn attacked reporters with a folding chair, sending one to the hospital with cuts and bruises to her face and neck. Penn came under control minutes later when some of the other guests pinned him to the ground and beat him to unconscienceness. Security was extra tight for the event, and though agents described the atmosphere as "tense", no arrests were made.
At a hastily called press conference held on the Capitol steps, dismayed House Republicans, led by Speaker Newt Gingrich (R-GA), again expressed their concern over the bill, believed to be the first federal legislation ever to incorporate the words "asshole", "jerk", and "son-of-a-bitch" into it's official text. "This bill opens up a floodgate of interpretational issues" claimed Gingrich, referring to the hotly debated Section 2, which grants people with "interactive personality disorders" protection from discrimination in the areas of housing, employment, and government contracts. Sub-clause 4 of that section defines "interactive personality disorder" as "a perceived (whether real or not) fault in general disposition or communicative skills, including but not limited to what would generally be described as arrogance, rudeness, curtness, disrespectfullness, or the characterization of being a jerk, punk, malcontent, asshole, or son-of-a-bitch.". Another criticism came from Sam Johnson (R-TX), "It's ridiculous to extend special legal protections to people because they're rude". Democrats have countered that viewpoint, hammering Republicans as being insensitive to the mentally and emotionally troubled, as well as people from economically disadvantaged upbringings. "Not every child is born into a rich family that can hire a white nanny to teach them the social graces" said Charles Rangel (D-NY), "The Republicans declared war on ethnic groups and minorites, but this time we stopped them".
Of concern to congressional members on both sides is exactly how the courts will implement the new law, and how they will determine when someone truly falls under one of the new protected categories. "We can see the possibility of someone using the law improperly, claiming that they're a clinical asshole when in truth they're just acting badly on a whim" said Senator Tom Daschle, "But our courts have a pretty good record in weeding out frivolous and unjustified claims, so we should be okay". Some Republicans disagreed with Daschle's appraisal, claiming that the courts would not be able to apply the law fairly due to it's subjective nature. Still others on the hill were adament about the law's potential to "equalize the playing field" for those with personality deficiencies, and were even contemplating further expansions of anti-discrimination laws. "Folks are still being passed by and passed over because of their looks, their voices, all kinds of things" said House Democrat Maxine Waters. "Folks who are ugly, I mean really ugly, don't get a fair chance in America, and we've got to change that. Our next step will be to set quotas and set-asides for ugly people, to make sure they get a fair shot at the American Dream too".
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