“I Can’t Say Goodbye”
By: Captain_Crystal

“I’m leaving, Kathryn.” Those three words had echoed in her head for hours now. He had said that he had lost hope of what was to be accomplished on this ship and he was leaving to pursue archeology on the planet below.
He would be leaving in an hour. And she knew what ‘was to be accomplished on this ship’. He had given up on her. It was both of their dreams to be a couple, and some day a family maybe. Kathryn kept her dreams secret, yet woke up every morning with a smile on her face. Chakotay on the other hand, wore his heart on his sleeve, and was miserable.
Kathryn was sure, even Naomi Wildman knew of Chakotay’s affection for her. Naomi couldn’t understand why Kathryn couldn’t tell him how she felt. The simplicity of Naomi’s mind astonished her. The young child had seen through Kathryn’s carefully made barricade of emotion and asked the simplest and most sensible question there was to ask. Why?
Kathryn could only ask that question and it’s reciprocal. Why and Why Not? Why was simple. She was in love with him. She adored his smile, dimples and all. He had the most wonderful personality. Charm, compassion, loyalty, intelligence. They were all there. Now the hard part.
Why Not? OK, command. That was it. Command. Time to tally the votes. Command counted as ten. So did love. equal.
But, there was also; His smile, personality, charm, compassion, loyalty, and intelligence. All those plus ten equals, sixteen. Sixteen - Yes! Ten - No! Sixteen won. Simple.
She simply could not let him leave this ship. She glanced at the chronometer. She had spent an hour and ten minutes figuring these numbers. That meant she would have to run to catch him. So she would.
She took off at a speed walk through the Bridge.
“Tuvok! I have to go!” She exclaimed as she hurried to the lift.
“As I knew you would. Good luck, Captain.”
Kathryn looked back long enough to smile at Tuvok, before loudly calling, “Deck Eight!” The lift took seemingly forever. Finally, she walked in the door to the Transporter Room.
“Energi...”Chakotay was  saying.
“Wait!” Kathryn interrupted.
“What?” he asked.
“You can’t leave.”
“Why not?”
“Because.”
“That’s not a reason.”
“Let me finish. You can’t leave because...... because I love you,” she finished her sentence quietly and the others had to strain to hear her.
“What?” Chakotay asked astonished. “What did you say?”
“I love you,” she replied more firmly. “That’s why you can’t leave.”
“I don’t understand. Why now?”
“Frankly, I weighed the possibilities and the restrictions. And you won out. Command just wasn’t enough.”
“I’m confused.”
“Naomi asked me a simple question a couple of days ago. She asked me why you act the way you do around me.
I tried to explain that friendships occur and people act differently. But she was persistent. Why? Why? Why? Why?  So after you left my Ready Room, I started to think how simple a child’s mind is. Her mind is still black and white; paper and lines. She doesn’t think quite three-dimensionally yet.
I asked myself her questions. Why? Why should this relationship happen? Because I love you and I want it to. Because you make me smile on the worst of my days. Because you know the right thing to say to cheer me up. Because you know *me* so well.
Then came the reciprocal. Why not? There was only one thing blocking me. Command. Precious Starfleet. All their rules and regulations.
Out here, they make no sense. Those rules are meant for the person who loses the rank as they lose the uniform. For the person who forgets their job at night when they go home. I don’t forget my job.
I was trying to be captain 24/7. All the time. I was trying to be perfect when no one is. Not even Seven.
I realized that those rules weren’t written for me. Those rules were written for the shmucks in the Alpha Quadrant.  Here, during Alpha Shift, being the captain is alright. But after four o’clock, I need to be just Kathryn. And Kathryn needs companionship.  Kathryn needs you. I need you.”
Chakotay just stood there, stunned, and staring into her teary blue eyes.
Quietly, someone began to clap. Then all of the well-wishers in the transporter room were clapping and whistling.
“Kathryn, I was praying that you would come and stop me. Dreaming is more like it.
You were right when you said that you were trying to be perfect when no one is. I don’t want you to change. To me, you’re already perfect,” he whispered, stepping off the transporter pad and into her personal space.
“I realized that my father ruined my family by living by the book all the time. I don’t want that life, Chakotay.
Frankly, I don’t care if Starfleet is in my life anymore, as long as you’re in it,” she replied, hugging him to her as if to see if he was real.
“Do you know how long I have waited to hear you say you love me?” he said in her ear while rubbing his hands up and down her back.
“Almost as long as I’ve been wanting to say it?” she grinned.
“Maybe. I don’t know about you, but I think this is a cause for celebration, hmm?” he said, pulling away slightly.
“What did you have in mind?” she smiled.
“How about a glass of champagne on the Holodeck?” he asked.
“If you’re buying, I’m in. I spent all my rations on a coffee buzz this morning,” Kathryn grinned linking her am through his.
“I’m buying. Come on everyone. Let’s go have a party!” The whole room erupted into cheers as the command team, arm-in-arm, led the way.