Characters borrowed from Joss Whedon-Angel & BTVS
BY: J.Martin
Page One
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With all that continued to happen over these past few days, the last thing he thought about was to check the computer each night. It had totally slipped his mind, but for now at least part of his brain was no longer numb. This had been a part of his normal routine, if he ever had a normal routine, since they met outside of LA a few months ago. Neither was a computer wiz, but both knew they had to keep in touch no matter how, no matter when and in spite of anything going on around them. But so much had happened; any conversation between them had to be short and cryptic. But hey that was the easy part.
Suddenly, that piercing green glow of the screen took him away from his thoughts. “Damn, someone needs to show me how to turn that down or change the color--why green? I keep thinking it’s gonna start singing to me.” After a few quick keystrokes he heard that annoying expressionless voice say, “you’ve got mail”! Then he saw the all too familiar name behind the incoming messages. Gosh, had it been that long or was there just a tinge of panic in those messages popping up, now on number 65, 67 and on and on, 82, 85. Best stop counting and start reading from the beginning. “When was the last time I checked this?”
The first message 12 days old began. “Hi big guy, what’s new with you tonight?” Click. Open next. ”Well, where are you tonight? Better yet, where were you last night? I’m thinking you had a rough one?” Click. Open next.
“Okay, HELLO out there! Playing hard to get?” And now in a more serious tone. “Just let me know you’re there. I am here, waiting, not panicking yet, just waiting…for you.” He paused and stared at the screen.
“How do those few words make my heart beat again? Why with all the anguish, anger and hurt that have passed through me these last hours do I suddenly feel contentment?” He was actually smiling now as he flipped through another 30 or 40; read a few more lines, each a little more desperate than the last. With a quick click of the mouse, he forwarded down through the next dozen or so messages. He finally stopped on the one sent just two days before. “It’s been too long, please get back to me soon. Can’t, won’t call, but need to hear from you. Getting a little worried now!” He stopped and highlighted the last line containing her signature, just three letters that reoccurred at the end of each message. This was the one thing that continued to touch him heart and soul. He tilted his head back against his hands in the chair and closed his eyes. He tried to imagine her sitting there at the computer taking a few minutes each night before her bedtime, which too was just before dawn, to write a few words just to let him know she was still out there, still safe, still caring and always loving him.
He could now feel her holding every ounce of his essence in her soft hands and even softer heart.
“How could she ever be wrong, she was, she is, my only true love. That will never change no matter how wrong?” But why would she think this? Where is her logic and why did she avoid talking to him about it? He knew this was her latest fear and she never dealt well with the unknown.
He quickly snapped back to reality. There were just too many things happening at once. Never enough time to talk about it and they constantly worried that someone might be monitoring their somewhat clandestine conversations. They couldn’t or wouldn’t even talk on the telephone and found this the easiest way to avoid the suspicion of even their friends. Now the light in the lobby was getting brighter, that meant daylight was coming fast. “Just read a few more and maybe there will be a chance to answer at least one so she will know I am still here. Not necessarily alive but still kicking.”
Click. Tab. Tab, “Hi, back at you! Guess I’ve been out of touch a few days, uh maybe weeks. Not to worry, baby, all is well. Things are…” Pause. “Just a few rough nights. Will explain soon, in a day or two.”
Then he ended with the same three letters that he highlighted in her messages. That part of all the messages that continued to put a smile on his lips and the love back in his heart where once there had been so much hate. This was just a simple cryptic message they shared only with each other, the one thing that kept them fighting to stay alive.
He remembered the first time he saw where she had written it. She was still in High School; she had it scratched on every schoolbook, notebook and paper she owned. Of course she was like any normal 17-year-old who had a crush on a boy. “A boy, yeah right.” He was old enough to be her ancestor three times removed. But that didn’t change her heart. She loved him.
He quickly reread a number of her messages and with each one he thought how lucky he is to have her. No matter how unfair things were, no matter what hand he was dealt, he could get through it--as long as he knew she was there.
There was the time a few months back when he thought he had lost her forever. During his mourning period, he had taken his rage out in a foreign land, kicked some butt and even killed a few demons. In the midst of all that rage reality struck or maybe something just woke him up and he knew he had to return to LA. He had buried so many, but this was different. He felt such a loss so deep within that he thought he had to get lost before his world ended. But when it didn’t end, he knew. He knew what no one else did; he knew she would be back. Their connection was so strong that neither life nor death, nor anything human or inhuman could separate them for any length of time, and definitely not forever!
He suddenly realized it was now daylight and he would have to keep to the darker end of the lobby to get upstairs. To sleep, if only he could. There had been no rest since the loss of his son and no matter how relaxed he felt now; he knew there would again be no sleep, not now, not yet. "I won't lose this child." A single thought ran through his head as he put his foot on the first stair, those three letters at the end of each message-“A-B-F, A-B-F“! Just the sound of it made him feel alive, so he again repeated it but this time out loud, “Angel & Buffy Forever!”
*****
She finally finished her nightly patrol and was so happy to see her front door within reach. It had been an uneventful night but all she really wanted to do was get inside and pull out her computer. “Boy, would Will be surprised if she knew just how computer literate I have become.” It seemed like months although it had only been a few weeks since she had a response from Angel. He always-always answered her, but now something was beginning to feel wrong and she was beginning to feel scared. “Thank goodness it was a quiet night in Sunnydale, not like my normal Tuesday nights.”
She slipped quietly through the doorway and up the stairs, checking each room to be sure her friend and her sister were asleep. She stopped at Dawn’s doorway gazing at her face in the moonlight for a few quiet seconds. She wondered if she had ever slept that peaceful. It had been so long since she was called and the years seem to slip by faster and faster now. Dawn was the most important person in her life. They both knew that and no matter what, she had to be there to care for her. The secret of who Dawn really is burned in her heart, a secret she shared only with one other person. “Well, sleep my little Angel, sleep peaceful while you can.” She looked at the moon streaming through the window and realized daylight was fast approaching. Soon there would be more activity than she cared to face as everyone would be off and running to the tune of another day.
“Everyone but me, I have to get some sleep tonight.“ And she thought for that brief second that just maybe she could.
But now her mind shifted back to Angel. What, she thought; what if there was no message? She had waited patiently these last few days, trying not to panic, trying not to call or run to LA. But too much time had passed without a word and the fear of the unknown was getting to her. She could handle demons and vamps and any of the surprises they tried on her. But this, this fear was something she just couldn't deal with. She promised she would never lose him again and that was a promise she was going to keep. She knew he was still out there but also knew something was wrong, bad wrong. Stopping just inside her doorway she stiffened, “If anything happened to him I would feel it.” “So OK, stop with the pity party!”
She didn‘t take the time to unbutton her coat or remove her hat & scarf, but hurriedly reached into the back of her closet and pulled out the laptop that she purchased with her last paycheck from the Double Meat. “Well, guess that job was not a total loss.” She slid the computer out so quickly that the outer case bounced to the floor. That made her think again about that job she had. “Well, it did help me get the bills on track." She had made a few new friends, who by the way were more than willing to share their knowledge of computers with her. Of course she could have asked her close friends for tutoring, but felt there would be too many questions that she was just not ready to answer.
“Okay, here goes nothing or something.” Looking up toward the ceiling her thoughts continued. "I pray for something.” As she finally saw the pail blue light of the monitor, she was distracted by a noise in the hall. She quickly closed the laptop and pushed it under her pillow. “ “Damn, what was that?” She looked down at the computer as she covered it. “Oh, you better be there tonight or I will soon be on my way to find you, no matter what we said about crossing over to see each other!”
She opened her door and peered into the hallway. Will came toward her. “Oh sorry Buff, I didn’t hear you come in. Guess you dropped one of your weapons in the hall and I tripped.” She handed Buffy a pointy wooden stake. “Didn’t mean to startle you. Did I hear you talking to someone?”
“Yes, No, yeah myself I guess. I’m sorry Will, I didn’t mean for this (holding up the stake) to hurt you. Guess it fell out of my pocket. I was just getting into bed. The evening was rather peaceful, but I am still really wiped. Anything happening here I should know about?” She waited for an answer rather impatiently while twirling the stake like a baton between her fingers.
Will noticed her agitation. “No, pretty uneventful. Helped Dawnie with her homework, Xander brought us some movies to watch and then we decided to call it a night. Kinda boring really. Oh, did you remember that tomorrow is the Parent -Teacher thingy? We are ALL going to be there for her, right? I mean that is the plan, of course if the plan didn’t change or anything and am I rambling or are you just not there brainy like? Sorry, too many questions and it’s late and all and you are…” Will peered over her shoulder into her room.
She leaned on the doorframe as she realized she needed to shield the computer case that was lying on the floor behind her. “I’m sorry, I just have something else on my mind. Thanks for the reminder about tomorrow and yes plan stand as is. We will ALL be there. That includes me and all my brainy like self.” "I, uh, I need to get some rest, see you in the a.m., OK?”
“Oh yeah, okey dokey, plan still on track.” “Nite!” Will started to back down the hall, but she stopped just standing there, wringing both her hands. “ Buff, you sure you’re just tired, you look worried, you know like that distracted kinda worried. I am here if you need to, you know, talk?”
“I know Will.” She tried hard to look relieved. “Not to worry, I just need sleep. Later, OK?”
She walked back into her room, closed the door and kicked the computer case under the bed. She began to think about how closed in she felt. She loved having Will here, she helps so much with the house and Dawn. But, sometimes it feels so cramped no emotional space to run around in and always questions and worry and having to watch every move and mood. “I can have moody type moods, I’m allowed. After all I am a woman and I can be moody without question.”
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