“Man of La Mancha” Adaptation
By Princess_Marin and Artem

Castlist (in order of appearance)
Don Quixote……Van
Sancho……Garmay
Pedro……Noonien
Anselmo……Kris
Muleteers……Patrik, JY, Dustin, Kigen
Aldonza……Catalina
Maria……Kera
Innkeeper……Chain
Antonia……Kara
Padre……Artem
Housekeeper……Kally
Carrasco……Mordred
Barber……Aurora
Attendants……Rotspine, Anya, Yonkers


(A spotlight hits the apron of the stage, in front of the closed red curtains.  MARIN enters through the part and addresses the audience.)

Marin:  Just when you thought it was safe to read fanfics again, it’s that time once more.  That’s right, it’s time for another Bad Marin Musical.  This year’s BMM is a classic, Man of La Mancha, or, as I like to call it, The Impossible to Read.  May I set the stage?  I shall tell the story of a man.  Come, enter into my imagination and see him! 

(The curtain opens.  The stage is completely dark except for a second spotlight that hits VAN.  He stands, facing the audience.)

His name...Van Fanel...a country squire, no longer king...bony, hollow-faced...eyes that burn with the fire of inner vision.  Being retired, he has much time for books.  He studies them from morn to night and often through the night as well.  And all he reads oppresses him...fills him with indignation at man's murderous ways toward man.  He lays down the melancholy burden of sanity and he conceives the strangest project ever imagined...to become a knight-errant and sally forth into the world to right all wrongs.  No longer shall he be plain Van Fanel...but a dauntless knight known as - Don Quixote de La Mancha!

(MARIN exits.  VAN comes forward onstage, his spotlight following him.)

VAN
Hear me now
Oh thou bleak and unbearable world,
Thou art base and debauched as can be;
And a knight with his banners all bravely unfurled
Now hurls down his gauntlet to thee!
I am I, Don Quixote,
The Lord of La Mancha,
My destiny calls and I go,
And the wild winds of fortune
Will carry me onward,
Oh whithersoever they blow.
Whithersoever they blow,
Onward to glory I go!

(A third spotlight hits a platform above the stage where GARMAY stands, looking down.)

GARMAY
I'm Garmay! Yes, I'm Garmay!
I'll follow my master till the end.
I'll tell all the world proudly
I'm his squire! I'm his friend!

VAN
Hear me, demons and wizards
And serpents of sin!
All your dastardly doings are past,
For a holy endeavor is now to begin
And virtue shall triumph at last!

(GARMAY climbs downstage to stand next to VAN.)

VAN (in counterpoint)
I am I, Don Quixote,
The Lord of la Mancha,
My destiny calls and I go,
And the wild winds of fortune
Will carry me onward,
Oh whithersoever they blow!

GARMAY (in counterpoint)
I'm Garmay! Yes, I'm Garmay!
I'll follow my master till the end.
I'll tell all the world proudly
I'm his squire! I'm his friend!

VAN and GARMAY
Whithersoever they blow,
Onward to glory I (we) go!

(The lights rise on the empty stage.  VAN and GARMAY begin walking very slowly from stage right to stage left.)

Garmay:  I don’t understand what we’re doing exactly.

Van:  A squire needn’t understand the duties of a knight.  Our duty is to follow the quest and do good in the world.

Garmay:  How do you know what’s right?

Van:  A knight always knows.

Garmay:  If you say so.

(A shadow of a windmill falls over them.  VAN stops, holding out his arm to halt GARMAY.)

Van:  Behold!  A giant blocks our path!

Garmay:  Giant?  But, that’s a windmill!

Van:  Knave!  Have you not eyes to see?  That is a giant.

(VAN draws his sword.)

Garmay:  What are you going to do?

Van:  A knight’s duty!  I shall challenge the foul creature to a duel!  Have at thee vile monster!

(VAN charges offstage and his shadow appears slashing at the windmill.  There is a loud mechanical clanking sound.  GARMAY covers her eyes, but peeks out from in between her fingers.)

Garmay:  This is terrible!

(The windmill’s shadow stops moving and VAN stumbles dizzily back on stage, his sword bent.)

Van:  Don Quixote is triumphant!

(VAN passes out.  GARMAY shakes him until he comes to and then props him up.)

Garmay:  I’m sure that windmill will think twice before crossing you again.

Van:  Nay, it twas a giant!  But my old foe, the Enchanter turned it into a windmill before I could have the honor of defeating it.

Garmay:  The Enchanter?

Van:  Beware of him my squire, he’s a deadly opponent.

Garmay:  I’ll remember that.

Van:  Behold Garmay, dost thou see what I spy in yonder distance?

(VAN points off stage left.  GARMAY stands up and walks to look.)

Garmay:  It’s an inn I think.  (She shields her eyes from the sun with one hand)  Looks rather seedy.

Van:  Tis a castle!

(VAN stands up and bangs his sword out flat again.)

Van:  Come, we shall go to the castle grounds and await a dwarf who will introduce us to the lord of the estate.

(VAN and GARMAY exit.  The curtains close and MARIN enters.)

Marin:  They were both right, in their own minds.  The inn was owned by a good man, Arrio Chain, and his adoring wife Kera.  It was a stop off point for muleteers on their way from one end of the kingdom to the other.  Besides providing less than savory services, unlike the kind you could find at the Diamond Tavern for a reasonable price, the inn afforded the muleteers a good warm meal and all the pleasures of nature.  And there was a woman, Catalina, called Aldonza, which, for those of you unfamiliar with Hylian terminology, is a name given to less than virtuous females in Hyrule.

(MARIN exits.  The curtain opens, revealing the courtyard of the inn.  The MULETEERS, NOONIEN, and KRIS dance onstage around a table, directing their attention to CATALINA, carrying a pitcher of wine to refill their outstretched goblets.  CHAIN and KERA stand off to one side, cleaning and sweeping respectively.)

MULETEERS
Food! Wine! Aldonza! Aldonza!
I come for love, I come for love,
I come to Aldonza for love!

CATALINA
One pair of arms is like another
I don't know why or who's to blame,
I'll go with you or with your brother
It's all the same, it's all the same.
This I have learned:
That when the light's out,
No man will bum with special flame,
You'll prove to me before the night's out,
You're all the same, you're all the same.
So do not talk to me of love,
I'm not a fool with starry eyes,
Just put your money in my hand,
And you will get what money buys!
One pair of arms is like another,
I don't know why or who's to blame,
I'll go with you or with your brother
It's all the same, it's all the same.
This I have learned:
That when the light's out,
No man will bum with special flame,
You'll prove to me before the night's out,
You're all the same, you're all the same.
Oh, I have seen too many beds,
But I have known too little rest,
And I have loved too many men
With hatred burning in my breast.
I do not like you or your brother,
I do not like the life I live,
But I am me, I am Aldonza.
And what I give, I choose…

(NOONIEN dangles a bag of coins in front of her.)

Noonien:  Choose!

(CATALINA snatches the bag, then spits on NOONIEN’s shoes.  The MULETEERS roar in laughter and NOONIEN promptly threatens all of them with his fist.)

CATALINA
One pair of arms is like another
It's all the same, it's all the same!

MULETEERS
Aldonza!

(CATALINA exits stage left.  There is a loud knock at the door.  KERA opens it and VAN and GARMAY come trooping in.)

Van:  Hail to thee fair lady, might I have audience with the lord of this castle?

Kera:  The who?

Van:  The lord of this castle.

Kera:  Chain!

(CHAIN runs over to KERA, VAN, and GARMAY.)

Chain:  Yes, yes, what is it?

Van:  Ah, my lord (he kneels) forgive us for arriving unannounced.  We waited afar for a dwarf to approach and announce us, but when none came we decided to come forth.

Chain:  A dwarf?

Van:  Allow me to introduce myself.  I am Don Quixote, knight errant.  And this is my squire Garmay.

Garmay:  Pleased to make you acquaintance.

Van:  Our lives are humble and we implore you that we might spend a fortnight in your castle.

Kera:  Castle!  Ha!

Van:  In truth, I am not yet knighted.  Perhaps there is some good I can do here during my stay, by your leave of course.

Chain:  Of course you can stay here.

Kera:  Chain!  He’s a mad man!

Chain:  Mad men are the children of Nayru all the same Kera.  Come come, I’ll show you the way through the…eh…castle.

(CHAIN, KERA, and GARMAY exit stage left.  VAN starts to follow, but CATALINA enters stage left with a fresh pitcher of wine.  VAN spies her and drops to his knees.)

Van:  Sweet lady...fair virgin...(he averts his eyes worshipfully) I dare not gaze full upon thy countenance lest I be blinded by beauty.  But I implore thee - speak once thy name.

Catalina:  Aldonza.

(VAN stands up and moves closer to her.  CATALINA watches, the MULETEERS staring in amusement.)

Van:  My lady jests.

Catalina:  Aldonza!

Van:  The name of a kitchen-scullion...or perhaps my lady's serving-maid?

Catalina:  I told you my name!  Now get out of the way. (She clears past him to the table.)

Van:  (Smiling, still keeping his eyes averted) Did my lady think to put me to a test?  Ah, sweet sovereign of my captive heart.  I shall not fail thee, for I know...

VAN
I have dreamed thee too long,
Never seen thee or touched thee.
But known thee with all of my heart.
Half a prayer, half a song,
Thou hast always been with me,
Though we have been always apart.
Dulcinea...Dulcinea...
I see heaven when I see thee, Dulcinea,
And thy name is like a prayer
An angel whispers...Dulcinea...Dulcinea!
If I reach out to thee,
Do not tremble and shrink
From the touch of my hand on thy hair.
Let my fingers but see
Thou art warm and alive,
And no phantom to fade in the air.
Dulcinea...Dulcinea...
I have sought thee, sung thee,
Dreamed thee, Dulcinea!
Now I've found thee,
And the world shall know thy glory,
Dulcinea...Dulcinea!

(GARMAY, CHAIN, and KERA reenter.  GARMAY walks over to VAN and yanks on his arm, pulling him in the direction of the exit.  VAN blows a kiss to CATALINA.  VAN and GARMAY are brought inside by CHAIN.  KERA follows after them, grumbling.  The MULETEERS burst into hysterical fits of laughter and begin prancing about the stage, circling CATALINA.)

MULETEERS
Dulcinea...Dulcinea...
I see heaven when I see thee, Dulcinea,

KRIS
(Kneeling in front of CATALINA)
And thy name is like a prayer
An angel whispers (she kicks him in the shins)
Dulcinea!

MULETEERS
Dulcinea...Dulcinea...
I have sought thee, sung thee,
Dreamed thee, Dulcinea!
Now I've found thee,
And the world shall know thy glory,
Dulcinea...Dulcinea!

(The curtain closes.  MARIN enters on the apron and addresses the audience.)

Marin:  Imagine now the family our brave knight left behind.  Imagine their shock as news of the master’s madness reaches them.  They hurry to the home of close friend Artem Barr to discuss the problem.  They are Kara Fanel, Van’s younger sister, and Kallista Summer, Kally, an ambiguously related figure.

(ARTEM, KARA, and KALLY enter through the part of the curtain.  KARA pulls ARTEM to one side of the stage while KALLY walks to the other side.  MARIN exits through the part.)

KARA
I'm only thinking of him,
I'm only thinking of him,
Whatever I may do or say;
I'm only thinking of him!
In my body, it's well known,
There is not one selfish bone...
I'm only thinking end worrying about him!
I've been, told he's chasing dragons
And I fear it may be true
If my groom should hear about it.
Heaven knows what he will do!
Oh, I dearly love my brother,
But for what he's done to me,
I would like to take and lock him up
And throw away the key!
But if I do...but if I do...
There is one thing
That I swear will still be true...
I'm only thinking of him;
I'm only thinking of him;

ARTEM (in counterpart)
I know, I know my dear,
Of course you are my dear.
I understand

KARA(in counterpart)
I'm only thinking and worrying about him.

(KALLY grabs ARTEM’s arm and pulls him to her side of the stage.)

KALLY
I'm only thinking of him,
I'm only thinking of him,
Whatever I may do or say,
I'm only thinking of him!
In the very heart of me
There is Hylian charity
I'm only thinking and worrying about him!
Oh, I think he's been too lonely,
Living years without a spouse,
So when he returns
I fear I may have trouble in the house;
For they say he seeks a lady
Who his own true love shall be;
Din forbid that in his madness
He should ever think it's me!
If he should try I'll surely die,
And I will grimly
Guard my honor as I cry...
I'm only thinking of him;
I'm only thinking of him;
I'm only thinking and worrying about him.

KARA(in counterpart)
Woe, woe, woe, woe, woe, woe,
Woe, woe, woe, woe, woe.

ARTEM(in counterpart)
I know, I know, my dear;
Of course you are, my dear;
I understand.

(KARA grabs ARTEM and pulls him, and KALLY, to center.  The two women begin a sort of tug of war, both pulling ARTEM in opposite directions.)

KALLY
Woe!

KARA
Woe!

ARTEM
They re only thinking of him,
They re only thinking of him,
How saintly is their plaintive plea...
They're only thinking of him!
What a comfort, to be sure,
That their motives are so pure...
As they go thinking and worrying about him!

(MARIN pokes her head out through the part of the curtain.)

Marin:  I almost forgot to mention another pivotal figure in this happy little family.  Mordred Barr, Kara’s fiancé.

(MARIN exits.  MORDRED enters and moves over to KARA)

Mordred:  My dear, your brother has lost his mind and is suffering from delusions.  I will not have a madman for an in law.  Give me back my ring.

Artem:  (Stepping in between KARA and MORDRED) But think what cleverness it would take to wean this man from madness, to turn him from his course and persuade him to come home.  Impossible…

Mordred:  Is that a challenge?

Artem:  Do you really think you’re clever enough to do it?

Mordred:  Get ready, we shall go after him.

MORDRED
But as we go, but as we go
There is one thing that I want the world to know!

ARTEM
I feel with pain
That once again
We now will hear
A very often-heard refrain!

MORDRED
I'm only thinking of him,
I'm only thinking of him,
Whatever I may do or say;
I'm only thinking of him!
In my body; it's well known,
There is not one selfish bone...

ALL
He’s only thinking
And worrying about
Him!

(The group exits.  The curtain opens on the inn once more.  CATALINA is alone on stage, washing dishes.  GARMAY enters from stage left and walks over to her.  She stands beside CATALINA for a moment, unnoticed.  Finally, she clears her throat loudly.)

Catalina:  (Irritably) Yes?

Garmay:  My master asked me to give this to you.

(GARMAY gives her a letter.  CATALINA examines it for a few moments.)

Catalina:  I can’t read it.

Garmay:  Me neither!  So I asked my master to recite it to me, that I might memorize it.  Listen.

GARMAY
"Most lovely sov'reign and highborn lady..."

Catalina:  Ho.

GARMAY
"The heart of this,
Thy vassal knight faints for thy favor"

Catalina:  Ha.

GARMAY
"Oh, fairest of the fair,
Purest of the pure,
Incomp'rable Dulcinea."

Catalina:  That again.  My name is Aldonza!

Garmay:  My master calls you Dulcinea.

Catalina:  Why?

Garmay:  I don't know but I can tell you from experience that knights have their own language for everything and it's better not to ask questions because it only gets you into trouble

Catalina:  Hm.

GARMAY
"I beg thee grant that I may kiss
The nethermost hem of thy garment..."

Catalina:  Kiss my which?

Garmay:  If you keep interrupting, the whole thing will be out of my head.

Catalina:  Well, what does he want?

Garmay:  I'm getting to it!

GARMAY
"And send to me a token of thy fair esteem
That I may carry as my standard into battle."

Catalina:  Hm, what kind of token?

Garmay:  He says generally it's a silken scarf.


Catalina:  (Rising, wiping her bowl with a filthy rag) Your master's a crackbrain!  I'll give him a token.  Here. (Flings the rag)

Garmay:  (Catching the rag) But my lady...That's a rag!

Catalina:  Don't you 'my lady' me too or I'll crack you like an egg!  Wait a minute.  Come here.  Come here.  Sit.  Sit.  (They both sit)  Why do you follow him?

Garmay:  Oh, that's easy to explain, I...I...

Catalina:  Why?

Garmay:  I'm telling you.  It's because...because...

Catalina:  Why?

GARMAY
I like him, I really like him.
Tear out my fingernails one by one, I like him!
I don't have a very good reason,
Since I've been with him,
Cuckoo-nuts have been in season!
But there's nothing I can do,
Chop me up for onion stew,
Still I'll yell to the sky
Though I can't tell you why,
That I like him!

Catalina:  It doesn't make any sense!

Garmay:  That's because you're not a squire.

Catalina:  All right, I'm not a squire.  How does a squire squire?

Garmay:  Well, I ride behind him...and he fights.  Then I pick him up off the ground, and...

Catalina:  But, what do you get out of it?

Garmay:  What do I get?  Oh!  Why, already I've gotten...I've gotten...

Catalina:  You've got nothing!  Why do you do it?

GARMAY
I like him, I really like him.
Pluck me naked as a scalded chicken,
I like him!
Don't ask me for “why” or “wherefore,”
'Cause I don't have a single good
"Because" or "therefore!"
You can barbecue my nose.
Make a giblet of my toes,
Make me freeze, make me fry.
Make me sigh, make me cry.
Still I'll yell to the sky,
Though I can't tell you why.
That I like him!

Catalina:  (Rising) Get out!

(GARMAY scurries offstage.)

Catalina:  You’re as mad as your master!  Highborn lady, hem of my garment!  Incomparable…Dulcinea…

CATALINA
Why does he do the things he does?
Why does he do these things?
Why does he march
Through that dream that he's in,
Covered with glory and rusty old tin?
Why does he live in a world that can't be,
And what does he want of me...
What does he want of me?
Why does he say the things he says?
Why does he say these things?
"Sweet Dulcinea" and "missive" and such,
"Nethermost hem of thy garment I touch,"
No one can be what he wants me to be,
Oh, what does he want of me...
What does he want of me?
Doesn't he know
He'll be laughed at wherever he'll go?
And why I'm not laughing myself...
I don't know.
Why does he want the things he wants?
Why does he want these things?
Why does he batter at walls that won't break?
Why does he give when it's natural to take?
Where does he see all the good he can see,
And what does he want of me?
What does he want of me?

(The MULETEERS, along with KRIS and NOONIEN, start flooding in.  KRIS is strumming a mandolin.)

KRIS and NOONIEN
Little bird, little bird,
In the cinnamon tree,
Little bird, little bird,
Do you sing for me?
Do you bring me word
Of one I know?
Little bird, little bird,
I love her so,
Little bird, little bird,
I have to know
Little bird, little bird.

MULETEERS
Beneath this tree,
This cinnamon tree,
We learned to love,
We learned to cry;
For here we met
And here we kissed,
And here one cold and moonless night
We said goodbye

KRIS
Little bird, little bird,
Oh have pity on me
Bring her back to me now
'Neath the cinnamon tree,
I have waited too long
Without a song.
Little bird, little bird,
Please fly, please go
little bird, little bird,
And tell her so.

MULETEERS
Little bird, little bird.

(NOONIEN closes in on CATALINA.)

Noonien:  I paid my money.

Catalina:  After I finish in the kitchen.

(CATALINA exits stage right.  VAN and GARMAY enter stage left, followed by CHAIN and KERA.  KERA scampers off to one side.  The MULETEERS watch with vague interest.)

Van:  Tell me, good lord, what deeds I might perform in order that you grand me the title of knight errant.

Chain:  Erm…I’m afraid there’s not much need for deeds these days.  Yes, in fact, deeds are the very problem with our society.  Or something…

(The doors to the courtyard fly open and MORDRED enters, followed by ARTEM.)

Mordred:  Fanel! 

(Everyone stares at him blankly.  ARTEM whispers something in his ear.  MORDRED sighs in annoyance.)

Mordred:  Don Quixote…

Van:  Mordred!  Artem!

(VAN goes over to them and greets them each with a hearty handshake.)

Mordred:  You know us?

Van:  Should I not know my own friends?  Listen my friends, and listen well.  I have found a lady to serve, the incomparable Dulcinea.

Mordred:  Who am I?

Van:  You’re Mordred.

Mordred:  (Pointing to ARTEM) And who is he?

Van:  He’s Artem Barr.

Artem:  (Waving as he nervously takes in the surroundings) Hello.

Mordred:  And who are you?

Van:  I am Don Quixote.  What strange questions you ask of me.

Mordred:  You are Van Fanel.

Van:  Don Quixote.

Mordred:  Van Fanel.

Van:  Don Quixote.

Mordred:  Van Fanel!

Van:  (Pointing stage left) Someone approaches...!

Garmay:  Just an ordinary traveler.

Van:  But see what she wears upon her head.  Get thee to a place of hiding, Garmay.

Garmay:  Oh, dear!

(VAN and GARMAY back into the shadow of a tree.  Everyone else stands around, looking confused.  AURORA enters stage left, skipping across the stage.  She wears a gold plated shaving basin on her head and a barrel on her back.)

AURORA
Oh, I am a little barber
And I go my merry way
With my razor and my leeches
I can always earn my pay
Though your chin be smooth as satin,
You will need me soon I know
For Farore protects her barbers,
And she makes the stubble grow.
If I slip when I am shaving you
And cut you to the quick,
You can use me as a doctor
'Cause I also heal the sick.

Van:  (Leaping out and pointing his sword at her head) Hand over that golden helmet!

Aurora:  But this is a shaving basin!

Van:  Shaving basin!  Know thou not what this really is?  The Golden Helmet of Mambrino!  When worn by one of noble heart, it renders him invulnerable to all wounds!
(To the AURORA whacking the barrel with his sword) Hand it over!  (He snatches the basin)

VAN
Thou Golden Helmet of Mambrino,
With so illustrious a past,
Too long hast thou been lost to glory,
Th'art rediscovered now at last!
Golden Helmet of Mambrino
There can be no hat like thee!
Thee and I now, ere I die now,
Will make golden history!

(The MULETEERS laugh with glee and start partaking in VAN’s fantasy.  They strewn confetti about and encircle ARTEM and MORDRED.)

AURORA(aside to GARMAY)
I can hear the cuckoo singing
In the cuckooberry tree...

GARMAY(aside to AURORA)
If he says that that's a helmet,
I suggest that you agree...

AURORA
But he'll find it is not gold
And will not make him bold and brave...

GARMAY
Well, at least he'll find it useful
If he ever needs a shave!

VAN
Thou Golden Helmet of Mambrino,
Thy deeds the world will not forget,
Now Don Quixote de La Mancha,
Will bring thee greater glory yet!

(The MULETEERS lift VAN up on their shoulders and parade him around the stage.  ARTEM follows them, but gets pulled away by MORDRED.  KRIS swings from a chandelier and CHAIN starts dancing with a reluctant KERA.)

ALL(except MORDRED)
Golden Helmet of Mambrino
There can be no hat like thee.

VAN
Thee and I now, ere I die now,
Will make golden history!

ALL(except MORDRED)
Golden Helmet of Mambrino
Will make golden history!

Van:  (To CHAIN) My lord, this is a deed worthy of dubbing.  Might thou be inclined to fulfill my fondest wish?

Chain:  Of course, of course.  Now?

Van:  No, not now.  I must hold vigil before I am to be knighted.  I shall retire until then.

(VAN and GARMAY exit stage left.)

Aurora:  My shaving basin…

Chain:  Come, we’ll get you a new one right away.  Kera.

Kera:  Coming.

(CHAIN, KERA, and AURORA exit stage left.)

Mordred:  All of you!  Go about your business!

(The MULETEERS, KRIS, and NOONIEN exit stage right.)

Artem:  There is either the wisest madman or the maddest wise man in the world.

Mordred:  He is mad.

Artem:  Well…in any case we have failed.

Mordred:  Not necessarily.  We know the sickness, now to find the cure.

(MORDRED exits through the doors.)

Artem:  The cure.  May it not be worse than the disease.

ARTEM
To each his Dulcinea
That he alone can name...
To each a secret hiding place
Where he can find the haunting face
To light his secret flame.
For with his Dulcinea
Beside him so to stand,
A man can do quite anything,
Out fly the bird upon the wing,
Hold moonlight in his hand.
Yet if you build your life on dreams
It's prudent to recall,
A man with moonlight in his hand
Has nothing there at all.
There is no Dulcinea,
She's made of flame and air,
And yet how lovely life would seem
If every man could weave a dream
To keep him from despair.
To each his Dulcinea...
Though she's naught but flame and air!

(ARTEM exits through the doors.  KERA enters from stage left in a hurry and hides behind a tree.  VAN enters from stage left, holding his sword.)

Van:  Now must I consider how sages of the future will describe this historic night.  (He strikes a pose) "Long after the sun had retired to his couch, darkening the gates and balconies of La Mancha, Don Quixote with measured tread and lofty expression held vigil in the courtyard of a mighty castle!" (He hears the pompous echo of his voice, bows his head, ashamed) Oh, maker of empty boasts. On this, of all nights, to give way to vanity.  Nay, Don Quixote -- take a deep breath of life and consider how it should be lived. (He kneels) Call nothing thy own except thy soul.  Love not what thou art, but only what thou may become.  Do not pursue pleasure, for thou may have the misfortune to overtake it.  Look always forward; in last year's nest there are no birds this year.  Be just to all men. Be courteous to all women.  Live in the vision of that one for whom great deeds are done ... She that is called Dulcinea.

(CATALINA has entered from stage right and is standing off to one side)

Catalina:  Why do you do these things?

Van:  What things?

Catalina:  These ridiculous...the things you do!

Van:  I hope to add some measure of grace to the world.

Catalina:  The world's a dung heap and we are maggots that crawl on it!

Van:  (Rising) My Lady knows better in her heart.

Catalina:  What's in my heart will get me halfway to hell.   And you, Seńor Don Quixote -you're going to take such a beating!

Van:  Whether I win or lose does not matter.

Catalina:  What does?

Van:  Only that I follow the quest.

Catalina:  (Spits) That for your Quest! (Turns, marches away; stops, turns bock and asks, awkwardly) What does that mean...quest?

Van:  It is the mission of each true knight...his duty...nay, his privilege!

VAN
To dream the impossible dream,
To fight the unbeatable foe,
To bear with unbearable sorrow
To run where the brave dare not go;
To right the unrightable wrong.
To love, pure and chaste, from afar,
To try, when your arms are too weary,
To reach the unreachable star!
This is my Quest to follow that star,
No matter how hopeless, no matter how far,
To fight for the right
Without question or pause,
To be willing to march into hell
For a heavenly cause!
And I know, if I'll only be true
To this glorious Quest,
That my heart will lie peaceful and calm
When I'm laid to my rest.
And the world will be better for this,
That one man, scorned and covered with scars,
Still strove, with his last ounce of courage,
To reach the unreachable stars!

(NOONIEN enters from stage right.)

Noonien:  I grow tired of waiting Aldonza!

Catalina:  Keep your pants on.

Noonien:  Stupid whore!

(NOONIEN grabs CATALINA and strikes her.  VAN, enraged, steps in between them and punches NOONIEN in the jaw.  He cries out and the MULETEERS and KRIS enter from stage right.)

Van:  Garmay!

(GARMAY enters from stage left.)

Garmay:  Yeah?

Van:  The heat of battle is upon us!

(An all-out battle ensues between the MULETEERS and the trio of VAN, CATALINA, and GARMAY.  The trio proves victorious and all the MULETEERS, KRIS, and NOONIEN wind up unconscious on the ground.)

Van:  Victory!

Catalina:  Victory?

Garmay:  Victory!

Catalina:  Victory!  They’ll be walking bow-legged for a week.

Van:  Now Dulcinea, it is bad form to gloat over the defeat of an enemy.

Catalina:  They can go to hell.

(CHAIN enters stage left in a hurry.)

Chain:  No!  No, no, no!  This won’t do, not at all!

Van:  Gentle lord, thou must forgive our spree, twas a decision made by others, not by us.

Chain:  I’m sorry, but I can’t allow this.  I’ll have to ask you to leave by sunrise tomorrow.

Van:  If that is thy request, we shall honor it.  But…might thou still fulfill thy promise rendered onto me?

Chain:  And what’s that?

Van:  A dubbing.

(CHAIN reluctantly nods.  VAN kneels before him, offering up his sword.  CHAIN takes the sword and touches it to VAN’s shoulder.)

CHAIN
Don Quixote de La Mancha, 
I hereby dub thee knight!

Van:  But, your Lordship...

Chain:  Didn't I do it right?

Van:  If Your Lordship could make some mention of the deeds I performed to earn this honor...?

Chain:  Of course.

Van:  And it is customary to grant the new knight an added name. If Your Lordship could devise such a name for me...?

Chain:  Hmmm.

CHAIN
Don Quixote de La Mancha,
Having proved yourself this day
In glorious and terrible combat,
And by my authority as lord of this castle...
I hereby dub thee knight!
Hail, Knight of the Woeful Countenance,
Knight of the Woeful Countenance!
Wherever you go
People will know
Of the glorious deeds
Of the Knight of the Woeful Countenance!
Farewell and good cheer
Oh my brave cavalier
Ride onward to glorious strife.
I swear when you're gone
I'll remember you well
For all of the rest of my life.
Hail, Knight of the Woeful Countenance,
Knight of the Woeful Countenance
Fare to the foe,
They will quail at the sight
Of the Knight of the Woeful Countenance!
Oh valorous Knight,
Go and fight for the right,
And battle all villains that be,
But oh, when you do,
What will happen to you?
Thank Din I won't be there to see!

CHAIN, CATALINA, and GARMAY
Hail, Knight of the Woeful Countenance,
Knight of the Woeful Countenance!
Wherever you go
People will know
Of the glorious deeds
Of the Knight of the Woeful Countenance!

Chain:  Now, I’m going to bed.

(CHAIN exits stage left.  VAN bends over KRIS and starts to tend to his wounds.)

Catalina:  What are you doing?

Van:  Tending to mine enemies.  Chivalry demands it.

Catalina:  Let me.

Van:  But my lady…

Catalina:  They were my enemies too.

Van:  (Rising) Sweet creature…

Garmay:  Let’s get you to bed too.

(GARMAY leads VAN off stage left.  CATALINA kneels beside NOONIEN and starts to tend to him.)

Noonien:  (Stirring) What are you doing?

Catalina:  Tending your wounds.  Chivalry demands it.

(She spits on a bandage and starts cleaning NOONIEN.  He suddenly grabs her shoulders.)

NOONIEN
Little bird, little bird,
In the cinnamon tree

(KRIS rises.  CATALINA tears away from NOONIEN, but KRIS grabs her.)

KRIS
Little bird, little bird,
Do you sing for me?

(NOONIEN and the MULETEERS all rise to their feet and form a circle around CATALINA.  They toss her back and forth as she tries desperately to escape.)

MULETEERS
Do you bring me word
Of one I know?

(NOONIEN rips off her skirt and flings it to KRIS.  He grabs CATALINA’s wrists.)

NOONIEN
Little bird, little bird,
I love her so.

MULETEERS
Little bird, little bird,
I have to know.
Little bird, little bird.

(KERA peeks out from behind her tree as the curtain closes.  MARIN enters through the part.)

Marin:  We have a time lapse now, and not the good kind.  Normally, this is the part of the BMM when Cosmo comes out to make jokes about my bad writing, but this is a serious play, so we’ll skip to the next morning.

(The curtain opens.  It is the courtyard, the next morning.  The stage is completely empty except for CATALINA’s skirt.  MARIN picks it up and exits stage right.  VAN and GARMAY enter from stage left, followed by CHAIN and KERA.)

Garmay:  I don’t understand.  You get the girl, and then you leave?

Van:  Tis not leaving Garmay, for where ever I ride, I carry her in my heart and fight in her name.

Garmay:  Oh.  That makes sense.  Almost.

(CATALINA enters from stage right, battered and bruised in nothing but her corset and slip.)

Chain:  Aldonza!

Van:  (Seeing her) Dulcinea…

Catalina:  Enough of that!  Get yourself to a madhouse.  Rave about nobility where no one can hear you!

Van:  My lady...

Catalina:  I am not your lady!  I am not any kind of a lady!

CATALINA
I was spawned in a ditch
By a mother who left me there,
Naked and cold and too hungry to cry;
I never blamed her.
I'm sure she left hoping
That I'd have the good sense to die!
Then, of course, there's my father...
I'm told that young ladies
Can point to their fathers
With maidenly pride;
Mine was some regiment
Here for an hour,
I can't even tell you which side!
So of course I became,
As befitted my delicate birth,
The most casual bride
Of the murdering scum of the earth!

Van:  And still thou art my lady.

Catalina:  And still he torments me!  How should I be a lady?

CATALINA
For a lady has modest and maidenly airs,
And a virtue I somehow suspect that I lack;
It's hard to remember these maidenly airs
In a stable laid flat on your back!
Won't you look at me, look at me,
God, won't you look at me!
Look at the kitchen slut reeking with sweat!
Born on a dung heap to die on a dung heap,
A strumpet men use and forget!
If you feel that you see me
Not quite at my virginal best,
Cross my palm with a coin,
And I'll willingly show you the rest!

Van:  Never deny thou art Dulcinea.

Catalina:  Take the clouds from your eyes and see me as I really am!

CATALINA
You have shown me the sky,
But what good is the sky
To a creature who'll never
Do better than crawl?
Of all the cruel bastards
Who've badgered and battered me,
You are the cruelest of all!
Can't you see what your gentle
Insanities do to me?
Rob me of anger and give me despair! Blows and abuse
I can take and give back again,
Tenderness I cannot bear!
So please torture me now
With your "Sweet Dulcineas" no more!
I am no one! I'm nothing!
I'm only Aldonza the whore!

Van:  Now and forever thou art my lady Dulcinea!

Catalina:  No!!

(CATALINA collapses in despair.  There is a knocking at the center door.  KERA opens it.  A knight, tall and terrifying in fantastic armor enters accompanied by three liveried ATTENDANTS.  He wears armor on which tiny, glittering mirrors are mounted.  On his head a mask like casque, only his eyes visible through the slits.  He is MORDRED.)

Mordred:  Is there one here calls himself Don Quixote de la Mancha? 

Van:  I am Don Quixote, Knight of the Woeful Countenance.

Mordred:  Now hear me, thou charlatan!  Thou art no knight but a foolish pretender!

Van:  The Enchanter!  Behold at thy feet, the gage of battle!  If thou art still alive thou shalt kneel and beg mercy of my lady Dulcinea.

Mordred:  And where shall I find this lady?

Van:  (Gesturing to CATALINA) There she stands.

Mordred:  Thy lady is an alley cat!

Van:  (Drawing his sword) Monster!  Defend thyself!

(MORDRED takes a shield; it’s surface is a mirror which blinds and bewilders VAN.  Finally, VAN is forced to turn into his own reflection in the mirror.)

Mordred:  Look, Don Quixote!  Look in the mirror of reality and behold things as they truly are.  Look!  What dost thou see?  A gallant knight?  Naught by an aging fool!  Look!

(VAN turns away from it, but wherever he moves on stage, one of the ATTENDANTS, bearing a similar mirror, brings him up short.  VAN reels from one to the other and finally falls to his knees.)

Van:  I am Don Quixote, knight errant of La Mancha…and my lady is the Lady Dulcinea.  I am Don Quixote, knight errant…and my lady…my lady…

(VAN collapses.  The curtain closes.  KERA enters through the part and paces on the apron before exiting through the part.  The curtain opens on a humble bedroom.  VAN is lying asleep in bed while KARA, KALLY, MORDRED, and ARTEM crowd around him.  There is a knock at the door and ARTEM opens it.  GARMAY enters through the doors.)

Garmay:  Your majesty, could I talk to him?

Artem:  I'm afraid he won't hear you.

Garmay:  (Moving toward the bed) Then, I won't say much.

Mordred:  And no mention of knight-errantry!

Garmay:  Of course not.  Does one speak of the rope in the house of the hanged?   Just a few words...to lighten his heart.

GARMAY
A little gossip...a little chat...
A little idle talk of this and that...
I'll tell him all the troubles I have had,
And since he doesn't hear,
At least he won't feel bad.
When I first got home Sister Liaza beat me,
But the blows fell very lightly on my back.
She kept missing every other stroke
And crying from the heart
That while I was gone
She'd gone and lost the knack!

Garmay:  Of course, I hit her back, Your Grace, but she's a lot harder than I am, and you know what they say..."Whether the stone hits the pitcher or the pitcher hits the stone
it's going to be bad for the pitcher."  So I've got bruises from here to...

(The entire cast stops GARMAY from showing off her bruises)

GARMAY
A little gossip... a little chat...
A little idle talk of this and that...
If no one listens,
Then it's just as well,
At least I won't get caught in any lies I tell!
Oh, I haven't fought a windmill in a fortnight
And the humble joys get duller every day,
Why, when I'm asleep a dragon
With his fiery tongue a-waggin'
Whispers, "Garmay
Won't you please come out and play?"

Van:  (Waking) Shut up…

Kally:  He lives.

Garmay:  What was that?

Van:  You are a fool, filled with silly riddles.

Garmay:  So they tell me.

(MORDRED pushes GARMAY into a corner and moves to VAN.)

Mordred:  Do you know who you are?

Van:  I am Van Fanel.

Kally:  He’s cured.

Van:  I’ve had the strangest dream.  I thought I was…no, you will all think me mad.

Kara:  Forget all that.

Van:  Artem, I should like to make a will.

Kara:  Kally, don’t let anyone in this room!

(KALLY exits through the doors.  MORDRED hands ARTEM a quill and a sheet of parchment.)

Van:  I hereby leave all my worldly possessions to my sister Kara, and her insipient husband Mor –

(There is a loud commotion beyond the doors.  KERA bursts into the room, trailed by KALLY.)

Kally:  I tried to stop her but…

Kera:  I’m sorry I have to see him!

Mordred:  Get her out!

Van:  Enough!  I will have courtesy in my home.

Mordred:  Fine.

Van:  (Courteously to Kera, but without recognition.)  Come closer girl.  Now then. What is it you want?

Kera:  (Approaching) Don't you know me?

Van:  Should I?

Kera:  I am Kera!

Van:  I'm sorry.  I do not recall anyone of that name.

Kera:  Garmay knows.  Please, my Lord.

Van:  Why did you say "my lord"? I am not a lord.

Kera:  You are my lord, Don Quixote!

Van:  Don Quixote? You must forgive me, I have been ill...I'm confused by shadows. It is possible I knew you once, but I do not remember

Kera:  Please!  Try to remember!

Van:  Is it so important?

Kera:  Everything.  My whole life.  You spoke to me and everything was...different!

Van:  I spoke to you?

KERA
Dulcinea...Dulcinea...
Once you found a girl
And called her Dulcinea,
When you spoke the name
An angel seemed to whisper...
Dulcinea...Dulcinea...
Dulcinea...Dulcinea...
Won't you please bring back
The dream of Dulcinea...
Won't you bring me back
The bright and shining glory
Of Dulcinea...Dulcinea...

Van:  Then perhaps... it was not a dream...

Kera:  You spoke of a dream.  And about the Quest!

Van:  Quest?

Kera:  (Kneeling at his bedside) Yes, how you must fight and it doesn't matter whether you win or lose if only you follow the Quest!

Van:  The words. Tell me the words!

KERA
"To dream the impossible dream"...
but they're your own words!
"To fight the unbeatable foe"...
Don't you remember?
"To be with unbearable sorrow"...
You must remember!
"To run where the brave dare not go!"

VAN
To right the unrightable wrong.

Kera:  Yes.

VAN
To love, pure and chaste, from afar

Kera:  Yes.

VAN
To try, when your arms are too weary,
To reach the unreachable star!

Kera:  Thank you.  My Lord!

Van:  (Jumping out of bed) But this is not seemly, My Lady.  On thy knees? To me? (He pulls her to her feet.)

Kera:  Oh, my Lord, you are not well!

Van:  Not well? What is sickness to the body of a knight-errant?  What matter wounds?  For each time he falls he shall rise again...and woe to the wicked! Garmay!

Garmay:  (Moving forward) Here, Your Grace! 

Van:  My armor!  My sword!

Garmay:  More misadventures!

Van:  Adventures, old friend!

VAN
Oh the trumpets of glory
Now call me to ride,
Yes, the trumpets are calling to me,
And wherever I ride,
Ever staunch at my side
My squire and my lady shall be!
I am I, Don Quixote...

VAN, GARMAY, and KERA
The Lord of la Mancha
My (Our) destiny calls and I (we) go!
And the wild winds of fortune
Shall carry me (us) onward,
Oh, whithersoever...

VAN
Whithersoever they blow
Onward to glory...I...go...

(The curtain closes with everyone giving VAN an uncertain look.  MARIN enters through the part.)

Marin:  That’s our story.

(ARTEM enters through the part.)

Artem:  You know you’ve already pretty much destroyed Man of La Mancha.  Why not give the story a happy ending?

Marin:  A happy ending?  I can do that.

(The curtain opens.  The entire cast is onstage.)

CATALINA
To dream the impossible dream,
To fight the unbeatable foe,

KALLY
To bear with unbearable sorrow
To run where the brave dare not go...

KARA
To run where the brave dare not go,
Though the goal be forever too far.

KARA and KALLY
To try, though you're wayworn and weary,

GARMAY
To reach the unreachable star.

ALL
To reach the unreachable star,
Though you know it's impossibly high,
To live with your heart striving upward
To a far, unattainable sky!
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