MY DIARY
15/01/03

I went to see my GP today cos I needed another script for my meds but also because things were getting really bad and to get help I really have to go through her. What was the point though? She didn't really listen to me properly, just kept talking - thought I was the one who should be doing the talking???? She did recognise there were a couple of events that were causing me stress right now but she it didn't click in her head that I was not just suffering a little stress that would disappear but having a major life crisis which wouldn't just go away. I know she can't do much, she keeps telling me that - I don't expect her to be a shrink/psychotherapist/counsellor whatever but she's a GP and I expect to be able to go there and get guidance about where to go for help and to be able to get emergency treatment. I was sitting there on the verge of tears, wanting to just throw a massive tantrum but I can only do that at home with my parents - I only show my anger face to face with my family and I just sat there thinking what the hell is the point? She then proceeded to give me another script, 6 weeks supply of carbamazapine, and it was only as an after thought that she asked shall I put on it dispense weekly? Obviously I said no because of what I want to do with the stuff, thinking of which I can easily go out to ASDAs right now and get those 84 carbs - parents are out, I can be out of here before they are back and have disappeared off so at least they don't have to do the horrid task of finding me. Why don't I? I mean all my friends have pretty much deserted me, no-one really cares much do they - I phone everyone up, I rarely have people phone me and keep their promises of phonecalls, people say they will visit and then they always find excuses not to - oh I'm busy (oh fuck, you're really busy every single day of the week for the whole year, 2 years ...........).

I'm pissed off and I'm not putting up with it anymore, I shouldn't have to. If the doctors were good then they would actually realise when I told them how bad I was that yeah there is a big possibility that I'll seriously consider doing something especially with my friend seriously ill and unconscious in hosp at the mo - those things do have a serious knock on effect. You know something, her mum doesn't seem to me to be really distraught about what is going on so maybe that's how people would be if I did anything, probably would be - yes I'm being a selfish bitch but that's who I am and if people don't like that then tough. I've had enough of being miss lovely
goody two shoes. I've had enough of life of everything. I'm just going to phone my advocate now, Sylvia, knowing she's not there to answer the call and leave a message on her answerphone - I don't want to talk to her because I know she won't really listen to me either and realise the trouble I've got myself into, at least with a message there she can't not listen and try to butt in.

Oh, what the hell am I on about? This is crap and I know it is and it's just stupid this health system, and being BP and everything else. And I'm sorry for being so selfish and pessimistic and all that stuff, I'm just so angry with everyone right now cos when I need people the most they are there - no-one is answering their phones and no-one is listening and it's just not fair, it isn't fair at all.
16/01/03

I hate this so much. I'm not going to mention names here but I phoned no less than 6 of my friends and they were all either out or too busy to spare 2 minutes to talk to me when I was at one of my worst points and they couldn't even see through my "oh it doesn't matter", no-one
even got back to me after I left messages for them on their phones. Two of my friends are in hospital and the other has been so busy for the past year that she has not had the time at all to meet me and she is letting me down this year on my b'day, I had my hopes up for that to be able to have a good time but not anymore cos I have no-one coming up to celebrate with me so I'm resigning myself asking to be admitted to hospital when I see my psych next week having discussed this possibility with my GP. I finally did find someone to talk to, someone from another support group and she was so kind to me and gave up an hour of her time to talk to me after which I just went to bed having taken sleeping tablets because it was the only thing I could
do to keep me safe.

What is life without friendship and love? It's nothing.
16/01/03

Yesterday my GP told me that I was really creative and good at my writing and music so I should go do that as a career - she obviously thinks I have no hope with getting some proper job. I'm being compared to the likes of Sylvia Plath and Vincent Van Gogh - ooh lucky me. Yeah, wouldn't it be nice if I could just stay at home all day and just write but does she know how hard it is to earn a living
like that????

Then there's my psych who is just totally pushing me to stick out my course even though it's making me so ill, probs just doing it because he went through the same thing - people telling him he wouldn't succeed in something but he did and he wants me to as well but it's different - I'm not well enough yet to do all that.

So I don't know - what do I do??? I'd love to get a job where I can use my creativity but I can't hold down a proper job at the moment, I need something flexible and where I can work at home if I want to and just hide away.
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