Author’s note: In the past few weeks, I’ve read several notes on several B/J groups about the potential friendship between Justin and Ben. I’d already been having dirty thoughts about the two of them together, so this story basically wrote itself. It’s dedicated to Desi, because she asked nicely.

Between Friends - Chapter 1

by Cathy

It’s very late, but I’m not sleepy. I’m half-lying and half-sitting in bed, watching him sleep. He looks so beautiful and peaceful and I can’t believe he belongs to me, at least, for tonight.

It the midst of all the joy, I can’t help feeling guilty for what I’ve done. I’ve always taken pride in being generous to everyone. I don’t judge people and I would do anything I could for someone else, whether he was a friend or not. If I’m such a great person, how did I get myself into this situation?

I’m not even sure when this whole thing began, but I remember when everything started falling apart. It was the night of the launch party for the Rage comic book. I had been making plans to go to Tibet, to study at one of the Buddhist monasteries. Michael had encouraged me to think about it while I was still in the hospital, recovering from a near-fatal bout of pancreatitis. I was really looking forward to getting away and spending some quality time in meditation.

But I’d decided not to go. Despite being outwardly encouraging to me, Michael was giving off some pretty negative vibes about the trip. I wasn’t stupid and Michael isn’t very good at hiding his feelings. I didn’t need Debbie to tell me that Michael wanted me to stay, but she did. First, she couldn’t stand me and now, she treats me like a long, lost relative.

Anyway, we were at the party when I told Michael I wasn’t going on my pilgrimage after all. I told him I had everything I needed here, in Pittsburgh. He seemed relieved and very happy. As we stood on the catwalk and watched the dancers below, I was sure I’d made the correct decision.

It was only a few minutes later when Michael went to get us a drink. When he came back, he looked like he had seen a ghost. I tried to make a joke out of it - I asked if he got lost in the back room - but he didn’t laugh. He didn’t even smile. I asked him what was wrong and he didn’t answer me right away. ‘Can we get out of here?’ was his only response. I told him we could leave any time he wanted to, but I wanted to know what was wrong.

‘Do you remember the guy I saw Justin kissing? And you told me I shouldn’t tell Brian?’

Not this again, I thought. I knew he’d told Brian about it. He said Brian didn’t seem to care. ‘Yes, I remember.’ I knew something bad would come of that.

‘The guy was here,’ Michael looked down at the dance floor, ‘and Justin left with him.’

I’m not sure what I was expecting, but this wasn’t it. ‘What do you mean - he left?’

‘I mean they’re gone. They talked for a minute, then they kissed. And then they left together.’ He stared up at me. ‘Brian saw the whole thing.’

‘Did he try to stop them?’

‘No. He just stood there, watching.’

‘Where is he now?’

‘He’s down there, somewhere,’ he waved at the writhing multitude below us, ‘on the dance floor. Acting as if nothing happened.’

‘Maybe he doesn’t think anything *has* happened. You know Brian--’

‘A helluva lot better than you!’ There was fire in Michael’s eyes. I took a step back. ‘I can see how much he’s hurting, even if no one else can.’

‘All right,’ I pulled Michael forward and wrapped my arms around him. ‘I can see you’re upset. Why don’t we go home? You look all done in.’

I could feel Michael’s hands caressing my back. ‘Good idea.’ He moved around so that we could walk down the stairs, arm in arm. Once on the dance floor, I started walking toward the door but he hesitated. ‘I-I have to find Brian. Make sure he’s okay.’ He tried to get away, but I wouldn’t relinquish my hold on him.

‘I think you should give him some space, Michael. He knows where to find you if he needs you.’ I was halfway pulling Michael toward the door.

By the time we got outside, Michael was barely moving. I stopped at the bottom of the steps and turned to face him. ‘Come on. Let’s go home.’

‘Ben, I--’ He looked back up at the building. ‘I can’t leave him here. What if-- He might need someone to drive him home.’

I looked away in defeat. Why did I think I could persuade Michael to walk away from Brian? ‘I’m going home.’ I took a step away from him but he didn’t move. I knew he wasn’t going with me. ‘Will you come over as soon as you get Brian home?’

His face lit up. ‘If you want me to.’

I didn’t answer him; leaning forward, I kissed him on the cheek and walked away.

All the way home, I tried to hold the panic at bay by thinking about other things. It was no use, though. I had a bad feeling that things would get worse before they got better.

Michael made it to my apartment just before daylight. He was staggering slightly and he smelled strongly of alcohol. He was tiptoeing around as he undressed, trying not to wake me. I opened my eyes. ‘Hey.’

He jumped. ‘I-I thought you were asleep.’ He wouldn’t look at me.

‘I was…’

‘I’m sorry I woke you.’ He sat on the edge of the bed in nothing but his underwear.

I grabbed his hands and moved them to my face. ‘I was worried about you. Where have you been?’ Stupid question, I know.

‘I couldn’t leave him.’ We both knew who ‘he’ was. Closing his eyes, he shook his head slightly.

‘How is he?’ This was the last thing in the world I wanted to think about, but I thought Michael needed to talk.

‘He’s…’ He shook his head again. ‘He’s been fucked up before, but not like this.’

‘Bad, huh?’ I was trying to encourage him to keep talking.

Michael nodded, tears in his eyes. ‘I thought I’d seen Brian in every possible way… until tonight.’

He was getting perilously close to breaking down; I didn’t think that was a good idea right now. ‘Have you been drinking, Michael?’

‘He didn’t want to drink alone…’

‘What else didn’t he want to do alone?’ It was a low blow; the minute I said it, I knew I shouldn’t have.

Michael turned on me with a look on his face that I only ever saw when he was defending Brian. ‘Yes, I took some drugs with him! What was I supposed to do, Ben? He’s really suffering.’

A scary thought occurred to me. ‘You didn’t try to drive, did you? In the shape you’re in?’

He shook his head. ‘I took a cab.’ All the tension was draining out of his body and I could see that he was fading fast.

I pulled the sheet aside and allowed him to lie down beside me. ‘How is he now?’

‘I finally talked him into taking a shower and going to bed. He promised he’d call me when he woke up.’

I thought this sounded too trustful. ‘And what makes you think he didn’t leave as soon as you were out of sight?’

‘… took… car keys…’ Michael mumbled softly. Thirty seconds later, he was snoring.

In the following week, I tried to be as understanding as I could be. Any time Brian called, I let Michael do whatever he thought he needed to do. The more I tried to give Michael freedom to be with Brian, the more he took advantage of it. Whenever I tried to tell him that I thought he should let Brian deal with this on his own, he looked at me as if I’d suggested that he allow Brian to drive his Jeep into the Susquehanna.

I was in the diner one night, about ten days after the party, waiting for Michael. He’d closed the comic book store early and had gone to Brian’s to try to get him to eat dinner with us. Brian had taken to hiding himself away at his loft and Michael thought it would do him good to get out. I thought it was useless to try, but Michael wasn’t interested in what I thought.

I was really hungry - lunch on Mondays usually consisted of a cold sandwich eaten while I walked from one class to another - so I ordered. Imagine my surprise when Justin brought my food. ‘What are you doing here?’

He looked confused. ‘I work here. What’re you doing here?’ He looked around. ‘Where’s Michael?’

‘I-I’m meeting him.’ I looked around, afraid that Michael and Brian would appear in the doorway. ‘I thought you only worked in the afternoon.’

‘Who told you that?’

Well, actually, Debbie told Michael…’

‘She did?’ I could see his demeanor change. He was apparently still very angry at Michael for what he’d told Brian. ‘And why should Michael give a shit about when I work?’

I saw no reason to lie about what was going on. It would become obvious when Michael and Brian arrived. ‘Michael is at the loft right now, bringing Brian here to eat. He thought he’d picked a time when you weren’t here.’

‘Fuck!’ Justin looked around nervously. ‘I-I picked up an extra shift tonight.’

He started to walk off, but I put my hand on his arm in an attempt to stop him. ‘Wait, Justin.’ He paused. ‘Can you sit down for a minute?’

‘Yeah,’ he slid into the booth opposite me, ‘but only for a minute.’

‘Listen,’ I wasn’t sure of exactly what I was going to say, but I didn’t have any time to think about it, ‘I know this can’t be easy on you…’

‘How do you know what’s easy for me and what’s not?’ His voice had a bitter tone. ‘I’m sure Michael’s convinced you that this is all my fault--’

‘Now, wait a minute.’ I refused to allow Justin to treat me like the enemy. ‘I know that the two of you had a fight--’

‘And do you know what it was about?’

I nodded. ‘Michael told Brian that you were kissing another guy--’

‘I’m sorry.’ Justin stood up. ‘I can’t talk about this now. I’ve got work to do.’

I let him walk away, but I made up my mind to try to talk to him later.

After I’d finished my meal, I was still sitting alone. I made a quick call to Michael’s cell phone, but he wasn’t answering. Wherever he was, I was sure he was with Brian and I was equally sure they weren’t thinking about coming to the diner. I grabbed my check and walked to the register.

Justin was standing behind the counter, talking to one of the waitresses. I handed him my money and he made change without looking at me. I turned to leave, but stopped. ‘Justin.’ I said it softly enough so that he had to come from behind the counter to hear me. ‘I hope you won’t let your disagreement with Michael and Brian ruin our friendship.’ I handed him my business card. ‘If you need someone to talk to, call me. Okay?’

He was looking at me suspiciously, but he accepted the card. I walked out without looking back at him.

I’ve thought about that evening a lot, practically every day since. I have no idea why I made that overture to Justin. We were acquaintances, basically because we were dating best friends. I knew all about Justin’s history with Brian and Michael and Emmett and Ted. I have to say I admired him a great deal; to be so honest with himself and others and to unashamedly go after what he wanted… Well, it was nothing short of amazing, in my opinion. I sometimes wondered what he saw in that moody ad executive he’d been living with. Brian was beautiful enough and he was a great fuck - I knew that from personal experience - but I couldn’t imagine actually loving someone like that.

When Michael told me about Justin kissing a guy on the street, my first thought was happiness for Justin, that maybe he’d found someone who could love him the way he deserved. Michael’s attitude toward him had changed for the worse. Despite the fact that they’d created a comic book together, Michael was jealous and distrustful of Justin, even before he thought he’d caught Justin ‘cheating’ on Brian. How could someone cheat on Brian, I wondered, when he fucked total strangers on a daily basis?

So, when I saw Justin in the diner that night, something inside me melted. He was such a great kid and he was suffering so much - that was obvious to anyone who’d seen him before, with Brian. This was obviously his first heartbreak - even if he was the one who walked away - and I wanted to let him know that he wasn’t alone. Shit like that happened to all of us. We survived, somehow, and he’d survive as well.

I didn’t actually expect to hear from Justin. He just isn’t the type who’d ask for help; he thinks he can do it all himself. So, I found myself on Liberty Avenue one afternoon, later on that week, and I stopped in at the diner.

Debbie was there. ‘Hey, baby! What’re you doing over here?’

I kissed her on the cheek. ‘I was in the neighborhood and I thought I’d drop in and see how you’re doing.’

‘Aren’t you sweet?’ She wrapped an arm around my waist. ‘Why don’t you sit down and have something to eat? You look famished!’

‘You always think I look famished, Deb.’ I sat down at the counter; arguing with Michael’s mother was futile.

‘I always think *everyone* is famished, Ben.’ She moved behind the counter. ‘What’ll you have?’

I ordered a grilled cheese sandwich and a small salad. While I was waiting for my food, I saw Justin come in from the kitchen. As soon as he saw me, he hurried back where he’d come from. Debbie must have seen the way he looked at me, because she walked back over to where I sat. ‘How’s he doing? I asked, trying to sound nonchalant.

‘He’s putting up a good front, but I’m not fooled.’

‘Poor kid.’ I had a dangerous idea. ‘Do you think it would help him to talk to someone?’

‘Like who?’

‘I don’t know. Someone older, who might be able to give him some perspective.’

She eyed me warily. ‘Someone like you?’

This had been too easy. Now it was *my* turn to be wary. ‘If you think it would help… I’d be happy to…’

Debbie pursed her lips, thoughtfully. ‘Why’re you offering to do this? Don’t you know about the bad feelings between Michael and Justin?’

‘Of course, I do.’ I forced myself to keep my voice calm. ‘I love Michael. And I understand his loyalty to Brian, but…’

‘You don’t have to convince me. Michael is my son and I love him, but that doesn’t mean I think he’s never wrong.’

‘Do you think he’s wrong this time?’

‘I think his feelings for Brian are interfering with his ability to make rational decisions.”

‘But… do you think he’s wrong?’ I repeated the question, taking a chance of getting yelled at.

Rather than yelling, she folded her hands and thought for a few seconds. ‘It doesn’t matter what I think, I care about Brian. And I also care about Justin. I hate to see either of them hurting.’ She turned to walk away, then paused. ‘If you think you can help either of them, I’d appreciate it.’

I was finished eating before I saw Justin again. He walked in from the kitchen and stood next to where I was sitting. ‘Debbie said you wanted to talk to me?’ The look on his face led me to believe that he didn’t agree.

‘Yeah,’ I proceeded as if I didn’t sense Justin’s reluctance. ‘What time do you get off?’

He looked at the clock. ‘In about an hour, but I have an art show at school tonight.’

‘I like art. Would you mind if I came?’ He shook his head. ‘How many drawings do you have in the show?’

‘Ummm,’ he thought, ‘five… or maybe seven. I can’t remember.’

‘Oh.’ I was a little taken aback. How could someone lose track of how many pieces of art he’d entered in a show? ‘Is it all right if I meet you there?’

‘Sure.’ He grabbed a napkin and scribbled on it. ‘Here’s the address. The gallery’s on the second floor. It starts at six, but I probably won’t make it there until seven’

I took the napkin. ‘I’ll see you there.’

There weren’t very many people at the show, which was a little surprising. It was the first night of a three-day show. I hoped more people would come on Friday and Saturday.

Justin wasn’t there when I arrived, so I walked around and examined some of the pieces. To tell you the truth, I didn’t get much of it. Maybe I’m getting to old to understand teenagers and what they consider artistic. I spotted Justin’s work immediately, however, and I was floored at how good it was. His stuff was easily the best work there. I smiled to myself as I considered the possibility that I wasn’t very objective.

I had found a spot where I could watch the door without being obvious about it, so I saw Justin when he walked in. He wasn’t alone. I didn’t recognize the dark-haired young man who was hanging on to him. They’d been in the room a couple of minutes when Justin saw me and pulled his companion over to where I was standing.

‘Ben! What a surprise!’ Justin shook my hand. ‘What are you doing here?

I had no idea why he was acting like we hadn’t made arrangements to meet, but I didn’t want to embarrass him. ‘I-I… A colleague of mine couldn’t come, so he gave me his ticket. He knows how much I love art.’ I looked around. ‘I’ve just been looking at your stuff, Justin, and I have to tell you it’s great.’

‘Thanks.’ He glanced uneasily at his friend. ‘Ben, this is Ethan. He’s a student in the music department here. Ethan, this is Ben. He teaches at Carnegie Mellon.’

‘Good to meet you, Ethan.’ I shook his hand. ‘Do you play an instrument?’

The young man nodded. ‘Violin.’

‘You should hear him play, Ben. He’s amazing!’

‘I’d like to. When is your next recital?’

‘Next month. Which reminds me,’ he pulled away from Justin, ‘I need to go on home and practice.’

Justin looked surprised. ‘Maybe you can get some work done; I won’t be there to disturb you.’

‘I never think of you as a disturbance. How long will you be?’

‘The show closes at ten, but I told them I’d stay until nine.’ Justin kissed Ethan lightly on the mouth. ‘I’ll be home as soon as I can.’ Ethan walked away without looking back at us.

Justin turned to me. ‘Sorry about that. I didn’t know he was going to come until the last minute.’

‘You don’t owe me an explanation.’ I could tell that Justin was still rattled a little. ‘Look, if you want me to leave--’

‘No!’ He spoke quickly. ‘I mean… Since you’re here…’ He looked up at me. ‘I thought you wanted to talk.’

‘Only if you do.’ I didn’t want him to think I was pushing him into anything.

‘Okay. There’s a coffee shop down the street. They make great lattes.’

I paused. ‘You? Drink latte?’ I was having a hard time picturing Justin this.

‘I’ve only had it a couple of times,’ he smiled. ‘Brian--’ The smile disappeared immediately and he turned away.

‘Justin,’ I moved behind him cautiously, being careful not to get too close, ‘it’s okay to talk about him, you know.’

‘I… can’t. Not yet.’ He glanced back up at me. ‘It’s… It’s too soon.’

‘I understand.’ I really did. ‘We won’t mention him, if you don’t want to.

He nodded, solemnly. ‘Come on. Let’s go.’

‘Wait a minute.’ I was confused. ‘I thought you had to stay here for a while.’

‘Where did you get that idea?’ Justin was smirking.

‘From you. That’s what you just told--’

‘Ethan? I wanted him to go home. Alone.’ He started walking toward the door. ‘Come on.’

I followed him.

As it turned out, neither of us ordered latte. Justin had coffee and I ordered herbal tea. ‘Is that good?’ he asked, making a face.

‘Yes, it is.’ I pushed the cup toward him. ‘Wanna try it?’

‘No thanks.’ He took a sip of coffee and I got the idea that he was waiting on me to say something.

‘Have you known Ethan long?’

He shook his head. ‘A couple months.’ He looked me in the eye. ‘Michael saw us kissing one day and told Brian that I was cheating on him.’

‘I know.’ The color drained out of his face. ‘And, for the record, I told Michael that it was none of his business and that he shouldn’t tell Brian.’

‘You did?’ I nodded. ‘Why?’

‘Because it was none of Michael’s business. When you were ready, you’d tell Brian yourself.’

Justin took another sip of coffee. ‘You know, I wanted to tell him… I tried, one night, but…’

‘Why didn’t you?’

‘Brian started fucking me in the shower, and…’ He shrugged.

‘Whoa, that’s not playing fair, is it?’

‘Brian never plays fair.’ Justin was quiet for a minute before he spoke again. ‘Did Michael say what Brian’s reaction was? When he told him?’

I considered not telling the truth; I was sure it wasn’t what Justin wanted to hear. ‘He said Brian didn’t seem to care.’ I let this sink in before I continued, ‘Which I don’t believe for a minute.’

‘Why don’t you believe it?’ Justin eyed me suspiciously. ‘Brian doesn’t care about anyone but himself.’

‘You don’t really believe that, do you?’

‘Yes, I do. And don’t you dare tell me that Brian really loves me, despite everything he’s said to the contrary.’

‘You don’t think he does?’ I knew the answer to this question, but I asked it anyway.

‘If you brought me here just to lecture me about Brian,’ he finished his coffee, ‘then I think you wasted my time.’ He stood up. ‘And yours.’

‘Wait!’ He didn’t start walking away, as I feared he would. ‘We won’t mention B-- him again, if that’s what you want. Please sit down.’

Eyeing me warily, he did as I asked. I motioned for the waitress to bring him a refill. ‘Can I ask: why Ethan?’

‘What do you mean?’

‘You left a man you loved, even if you don’t think he loved you--’

‘He doesn’t--’

‘… for a fellow artist,’ I continued talking, refusing to be interrupted. ‘What’s so special about him?’

He didn’t answer immediately, but I don’t think he was stalling. He seemed to be pondering my question. When he finally spoke, his voice was quiet. ‘He loves me and he’s not afraid to say it. We lay in bed and talk about everything, and nothing.’ Justin laughed softly. ‘He plays these beautiful songs for me while I sketch him. He tells me I’m all he wants.’ He looked away. ‘All that romantic shit…’ His voice trailed off.

‘And ‘all that romantic shit’ is important to you.’ He nodded half-heartedly, but he wouldn’t look at me. ‘You’re acting as if you’ve done something to be ashamed of.’

He sat there, still looking at the floor. I was in danger of losing him, unless I said something to get his attention. I shifted my chair around so that I was just in front of him. ‘Justin… Whatever it is that you think you’ve done, you have to stop being so hard on yourself. You’re bright and talented and hard-working, not to mention being one of the hottest guys on Liberty Avenue…’

He finally looked at me, but I wasn’t sure he was buying what I was saying. ‘Are you finished flattering me?’

‘As a matter of fact, I’m not.’ I punched him on the arm. ‘Everything I’m saying is true, and you know it. You could walk into Babylon tonight and a hundred guys would fall all over each other trying to take you home.’

By the time I finished, he was laughing. ‘Ben, I never knew how full of shit you were.’

‘Okay, I’m full of shit but, what I’m trying to say is you’re too good to beat yourself up about this. Sleep with Brian. Sleep with Ethan. I don’t care. Whatever you do, do it because that’s what you want to do and not because it will make someone else happy.’

He looked confused. ‘Are you telling me that I shouldn’t care about what other people think? That I should be selfish like…’

‘Brian? No, that’s not what I’m saying. You could never be as selfish as he is. Could you?’ Justin shook his head. ‘All I’m saying is that it’s okay to do something just for yourself. You deserve the very best of everything and I don’t want you to settle for less. Do you understand?’

‘Yeah.’ He glanced at the clock on the wall. ‘I should get going. Ethan will start calling if I’m late.’

‘Sure.’ I laid some money on the table and followed him out the door. ‘What happens if he calls and you don’t answer?’

Justin rolled his eyes. ‘Ethan is very insecure about… us, but he loves me.’

We were at the corner, waiting on the light to change. ‘You don’t owe me an explanation, about anything. As long as you’re happy…’ I didn’t finish the sentence. ‘Okay,’ I looked around, ‘I’m going home now - it’s cold out here.’

‘Okay.’

‘Can I drop you somewhere?’

‘No, Ethan’s apartment is only a couple blocks away.’

‘I’d be happy to drive you.’ I wanted to make sure he was okay.

‘I’m fine.’ He nodded again; this time, he was smiling.

‘Please promise me that you’ll call me whenever you need to talk, okay?’

‘I promise.’

I took a step down the street, toward where my car was, and then I paused. I wrapped my arms around Justin and pulled him into a friendly hug. He reciprocated. As I pulled back, I looked down to see if he was okay. Before I realized what he was doing, he moved his face close to mine and kissed me chastely on the mouth. The kiss lasted mere seconds; he moved away quickly and ran down the street.

-to be continued-