This is the next in a series of season 3 stories, told in Justin’s POV. Episode 303 is my favourite pre-308 ep. It was the first definitive evidence I had that Justin and Ethan were doomed. Plus, we got to see a glimpse of bratty Justin, from season 1.

Carnivale

by Cathy

I was in the diner, minding my own business, when Brian walked in and announced that he had a proposition for me. I’m sure he enjoyed the look of shock on my face when I heard that word. I tried to mask my reaction with a smile, but I was never able to hide anything from him. His ‘proposition’ was for me to design and draw a poster for the GLBT Center’s carnival. He’d actually agreed to do fundraising for the place he’d once called ‘a safe haven for fags who can’t get laid’.

All in all, it was an intriguing situation. Brian was branching out into professional fundraising and he chose the most uptight homos in Pittsburgh as his first clients. It was going to be fun to have a front row seat for the fireworks.

Besides, I needed the five hundred dollars.

I actually spent very little time on the initial drawing. I know Brian as well as Brian knows me and I could picture what kind of poster he wanted: something hot and brilliant. And fast.

I had about an hour of uninterrupted work time before Ethan came home and started talking. He told me all about his classes, as well as his practice time. As always, he went into great detail about each and every song. If my boyfriend enjoyed anything more than the sound of his violin, it was the sound of his own voice.

I don’t mind when Ethan goes off into one of his soliloquies. As a result of the time I spent with Brian, I don’t rely on words as much as Ethan does, but I still enjoy listening to his verbal, and dramatic, re-enactment of his day. I worked quickly as I listened.

By the time the phone rang, the basic sketch was almost done. Ethan paced back and forth behind me as he talked to his friend, Collier. They seemed to be discussing a party, which was being planned for Friday night. Ultimately, the conversation turned to me, the ‘imaginary lover’, and whether I’d be making an appearance. I told Ethan I’d rather eat shit and die; Ethan told Collier I’d be there.

As soon as he hung up the phone, Ethan started a harangue about my anti-social behavior, calling me a snob because I didn’t want to go to a stupid fucking party with a bunch of people I didn’t know. The thought of being stuck in a small room surrounded by a crowd of Ethans and Ethan-ettes was not my idea of a good time. They were the snobs, not me. I guess my inability to tolerate pretentiousness in any form is yet another holdover from my time with Brian.

When Ethan couldn’t convince me to go to the party, he changed the subject and asked what I was working on. I thought he’d be happy to know I was going to get a large paycheck for the drawing. He was, for about five seconds, and then he figured out who was paying for it: someone we both know, who’s rich and gorgeous.

Ethan has never made a secret of how he feels about Brian, so I guess I wasn’t surprised that he would think this was Brian’s attempt to win me back. What surprised me was his belief that I’d go back simply because he had lots of money. I thought he knew me better than that; I thought I’d managed to convince him that I was where I wanted to be. When I said, ‘fuck the money’, I meant it.

The next thing Ethan said pissed me off a little: he challenged me to prove that I wanted to be with him. I had no idea where that came from; I really wanted to tell to fuck off and let me finish my work.

But I didn’t yell at him. I countered with a line from Elizabeth Barrett Browning: ‘How do I love thee? Let me count the ways.’ I’ve always loved that poem and I wished, secretly, that some guy would recite it to me one day. Ethan had always enjoyed it when I quoted literature, even though I didn’t do it very often. It wasn’t what he wanted to hear, so I tried another angle of attack. Imagine my surprise to discover that he can be distracted the same way as Brian. With a very good blowjob.

Afterwards, he started practicing and I went back to the computer, to put on the finishing touches. There was no more talk of the party, his friends or my ex-lover.

*&*&*&*&*&*

I delivered the poster to Brian, at the loft, the next day. He was wearing jeans and a shirt that was the most amazing shade of grayish-blue. My first instinct was to reach out and touch it, but I didn’t. As a matter of fact, I was careful to keep my distance from him.

We chatted briefly; he seemed relaxed and laid back and it almost seemed like he was glad to see me. I was sure it was because he wanted to see the poster. The look on his face when he saw it told me that he approved. He had suggestions for a couple of slight changes, both of which could be accomplished quite easily. When he asked me to come closer, his voice was soft and sexy. It reminded me of when we were together: his attitude and mannerisms changed when we were alone. Even his voice sounded different when no one else was around.

Against my better judgment, I walked over and sat down beside him. I didn’t want to act aloof but I didn’t want to fall under his spell again. Nothing good would happen if I put myself in a position where I might lose control of the situation. Despite Ethan’s warnings, I didn’t think Brian was trying to get me back, but it wouldn’t hurt to be careful.

This was the first time Brian and I had been alone together since I came by to thank him for paying my tuition. I wasn’t sure why, but everything seemed different this time. We weren’t trying to be anyone except who we were and it was nice. I wondered if we’d have anything to talk about when we exhausted the subject of the poster. I hoped so, because I didn’t want to leave yet.

Before we had a chance to finish our conversation, we were interrupted, by Michael. He just walked in the door without knocking. He’d brought Chinese food for dinner and he seemed disappointed by the fact that Brian wasn’t alone.

This was my signal that it was time to leave; I stood up and started arranging my stuff. Brian looked a little disappointed as he handed the poster back to me. Maybe he was enjoying our visit as much as I was.

I’d see him again. I didn’t know when or where, or who else would be around. I hope it wouldn’t be too long.

*&*&*&*&*&*

As it turned out, I saw Brian the very next day. Once again, we were alone very briefly before an interruption.

I knew Brian wanted the poster as soon as possible, so I dropped it off at his office on the way to class the next morning. Cynthia seemed happy to see me; she told me that Brian was due in any minute, if I wanted to wait. I really had to get to class, so I left it with her.

When I got out of class, I had a message on my cell from Brian. He said he’d be at the diner for lunch if I wanted to come and get the money he owed me. By time I got there, it was almost one thirty; Debbie said he’d come and gone. She looked like she wanted to ask me why I was looking for Brian, but she didn’t say anything.

I was walking back up Liberty Avenue when I became aware that my poster was plastered on every available space. I was admiring it when I saw Brian coming up the street. He handed me the money he’d promised me, plus an extra hundred dollars for getting it done on time. I was sure that he’d given this project to me so he could help me financially without being obvious about it. I was even more pleased that he was happy with it.

As we chatted, Brian gave me two tickets to the carnival. About that time, Ethan walked up behind me, taking me by surprise. I thought he was in class, which is why I went looking for Brian. He grabbed my head as he kissed me; when I looked back at Brian, he had taken a step backwards. He told Ethan that he was admiring my work and Ethan said something cheesy about doing your best work when you have someone you love to inspire you.

After that, I couldn’t look at Brian any more. Ethan was acting all smug and Brian was being incredibly polite. I just wanted to get away but it was Brian who turned away first. He said he’d see us later. As an explanation, I told Ethan about the tickets. He practically snatched them out of my hand and gave them back to Brian, telling him that we had plans. I thought I saw a look of disappointment flash across Brian’s face, but it was gone instantly. He told us that our names would be on the list, if we changed our minds.

I dragged Ethan down the street as fast as I could. Brian, who had the reputation for bad behavior, had been polite to us; he didn’t deserve to be on the receiving end of Ethan’s condescending attitude.

*&*&*&*&*&*

From the minute I first heard about Ethan’s friend’s party, I had no intention of going. I was prepared to say I was busy, tired, coming down with something… Whatever I thought would work. I even considered asking Debbie if she’d put me on the schedule at the diner for Friday night.

In the end, I didn’t use any of my carefully thought out excuses. Ethan talked about little else all week and he was obviously looking forward to showing me off to his friends. I didn’t have the heart to ruin his fun.

As we walked into the old building and started climbing the stairs, Ethan squeezed my hand and spoke softly, ‘We won’t stay long if you don’t want to.’ I nodded. ‘They’re all really nice - you’ll see. And I know they’ll love you.’

I was fighting to keep my nervousness from coming through in my voice. ‘What makes you so sure?’

Pausing at the door, he looked at me. His face was aglow. ‘Because I do.’

I plastered on a fake smile as we entered the room.

The party wasn’t actually as horrible as it could have been. There were several simultaneous discussions about politics and the sad state of affairs in the country, but they didn’t interest me at all. A group of older guys in the corner were having the obligatory conversations about all the ‘important’ new independent films. Add all the conversations about classes and grades and it was a classic example of a college party. Rather than joining in, I chose to let all the words flow into one ear and out the other.

It was a bit surprising that, although everyone did their fair share of staring at me, hardly anyone said anything to me. Despite their alleged eagerness to meet me, it didn’t seem like anyone wanted to go to the extra trouble of actually trying to get to know me. Far from upsetting me, this made the evening much less stressful than I feared it would be.

I’d wandered away from Ethan’s little conversational clique in the middle of the room so I could light a cigarette. Ethan walked over and stood close to me. He asked if I was having a good time and I said yes. He recognized it for the lie it was. I went on to say how smart and funny his friends were. I didn’t mention that they were just as intolerably pretentious as I’d expected them to be. I was trying to survive this evening and starting a fight with my boyfriend, who can surpass them all in intolerable pretentiousness, wasn’t a good way to make the time pass quicker.

I did admit to being nervous about his friends and he shrugged it off in his usual, arrogant way. I had nothing to worry about, he said, because I was with him. I couldn’t begin to explain to him why that was of no value to me at all, so I didn’t say anything. The fact that I was even pretending to care about what all those people thought would have been enough to make me run away, if I allowed myself to dwell on it. I tried my best to empty my head of all thoughts and maintain a pleasantly innocuous look on my face. From everyone’s reaction, I thought I was doing a good job of pretending I was having a good time.

A minute later, I had my first, and only, extended conversation with Collier, our host. That’s when everything started falling apart in a major way. Ethan and I were kissing when he walked up; he began by calling me the imaginary boyfriend to my face. Ethan must have told him I was an artist because he asked what kind of stuff I did. He nodded as I described it and I wondered if he knew what ‘manipulating classical form with digital imagery’ meant, or if he was just being polite.

I was beginning to think that maybe Collier, and all the others, might not be as bad as I’d feared when he said, ‘Then you’re not just a pretty face.’ His expression was smug and condescending. It was as if he was notifying me that I had passed inspection and I could continue to be a part of Ethan’s life.

Basically, that was the last straw. I’d come to the party, even though I didn’t want to. I’d allowed myself to be scrutinized by a bunch of pretentious snobs who had nothing better to do than talk about each other. To top it all off, this little shit thought he had a right to sit in judgment over me.

My reaction was immediate and very nasty. The smile never left my face as I replied, ‘I got a pretty big cock as well, and I give one hell of a blowjob.’ A glance at my boyfriend. ‘Right, Ethan?’

Ethan was dumbfounded. They both were. As soon as the words were out of my mouth, I regretted saying them.

After a short, and very awkward, silence, Ethan mumbled something about my unique sense of humor. Collier wandered off to get another drink and Ethan followed him. For a few minutes, I stood there thinking. Why couldn’t I have behaved myself for a little while longer? Ethan would have been indescribably proud of me and all his friends would probably start thinking of me as one of them. I would be expected to attend these inane gatherings on a regular basis.

Shit. Maybe what I did wasn’t so bad after all.

I finished my cigarette and went to fetch my coat. Ethan was in yet another conversation about music; they all looked at me when I walked up. I was sure Collier had already related my little bon mot to them. I told Ethan, quietly, that I was leaving. I didn’t lie - I really was exhausted. He said he’d go with me but I told him to stay. He wasn’t ready to leave yet, but I was. He didn’t offer much of an argument; maybe he’d finally realized that it had been a mistake for me to come.

We kissed goodbye and I headed for the door. Just before I walked out, I turned and looked back; he was still watching me. I couldn’t tell if he was sorry I was leaving, or relieved.

Once I was out of the building, I could breathe again. It seemed like hours since we’d climbed the stairs to that tiny apartment.

I wasn’t ready to go home yet, so I started walking toward Liberty Avenue. Maybe something cool was happening there, which would take my mind off the argument that was going to occur when Ethan arrived home.

As I walked down the street, I noticed that there were a large number of cars over near the Center. The long line of people waiting outside was proof that Brian’s Carnivale was a huge success. I considered walking past, but I changed my mind. I wanted to see what was going on inside.

I made my way to the door where a scantily clad young man was taking tickets. ‘I’m on the guest list,’ I told him.

‘Of *course*, you are.’ He looked unconvinced, but he picked up a legal pad from the table behind him. ‘What’s your name?’

‘Justin Taylor.’

He looked me over, up and down, before his eyes moved back to the list. ‘Taylor… Taylor… Justin, did you say?’

‘Yes.’

‘Are you alone?’ He looked at me again.

‘Yes,’ I repeated. ‘Why?’

‘It says ‘Justin Taylor and friend’. See?’ He pointed at my name.

‘It’s just me.’ I shrugged. Stepping aside, he let me pass through the door. As I walked, I wondered why Brian hadn’t put ‘Justin Taylor and Ian’. Maybe he was hoping I’d come with someone else. Or alone.

I walked into the middle of the room and stopped to look around. A wide assortment of sights and sounds accosted my senses. Everywhere I looked, from the dildo ring toss to the kissing booth, the unmistakable stamp of Brian Kinney was everywhere. Between the music and the conversation, I couldn’t hear myself think. I had an idea that thinking wasn’t what these people wanted to do anyway.

As I stood there, I realized that I was losing myself in my surroundings. I was transported back to when I was with Brian and we went out dancing every night. We’d leave Babylon in the wee hours, a little high and a lot drunk. I’d attack him in the Jeep on the way back to the loft. By the time we got home, we were both on fire and we made love until daylight.

I hadn’t been to Babylon since the night of the Rage party. I knew Ethan disapproved of that lifestyle, so I never talked about it. Sometimes, I could convince myself that I’ve outgrown all the silliness that surrounds the club scene.

If I was so mature and grown-up, why did I have such a big grin on my face as I watched them play a game of Butthole Bingo?

I didn’t see Brian until he had almost made it over to where I was standing. He seemed happy to see me, but not surprised. When he asked where Ian was, I knew he was teasing. He knew, as well as I did, why I hadn’t brought him. He was right about the fact that Ethan might learn something, but we both knew that he wouldn’t enjoy himself. He’d spend his entire time there judging everyone and everything around him.

While we were chatting, an exotic-looking boy walked over to stand next to Brian, very close. He didn’t say anything, but the look on his face told me what his expectations were for later on. It was time for me to leave. ‘Tell Ian we missed him,’ Brian called after me. I glanced around one last time on my way out.

As I walked up the street, I wondered why I’d left the party - Brian’s, not Ethan’s - so quickly. Did I think I was interrupting a moment of seduction? Did I care? That boy had the hots for Brian and he was definitely Brian’s type: young, cute and breathing. I’m not dumb; I know Brian is still fucking anyone with a dick and a pulse, but I didn’t have to stick around for the preliminaries.

Still, I wasn’t sorry I’d gone. I’d rather spend five minutes with a bunch of bad boys who are honest about what they want at the end of the evening than five hours with Ethan’s snooty friends.

In the midst of all these deep thoughts, I looked up and saw that I was walking by Woody’s. I really wasn’t ready to go home yet - even though Ethan probably wasn’t there. I decided to climb the stairs and go in for a quick drink.

It was quiet inside - as quiet as I’d ever seen it in Woody’s. I guess all the party people were still at the carnival. Not a bad thing, really. I ordered a beer and moved to an out-of-the-way table to think about things. Like why I had had a good time with Brian and a not with Ethan. What did it mean? That I’m still a shallow little club boy at heart? That I’m fighting the concept of maturity?

That’s not it. It can’t be. I tried loving Brian and believing that he loved me. I pursued him and pursued him until he caught me. Or so I thought. In the end, I discovered that there was nothing between us - nothing real, anyway. I meant no more to him than any other trick. I tried doing all the sex and the drugs with him. When I couldn’t do those things any more, I tried pretending I didn’t see him doing all of it without me. Not behind my back - Brian never did anything behind anybody’s back - but right in front of me.

When I met Ethan, I thought I’d found everything I’ve ever wanted in a guy. He was smart, funny, cute, and talented. He seemed to know what I was going to say, even before I said it. We had so many things - really important things - in common. And he understood that I didn’t just want a sex partner; I wanted a lover. Someone who would listen when I needed to talk. Someone who wanted to share everything. Someone who would love me and tell me so, over and over.

It should have been the easiest thing in the world for me to leave Brian, and all his negativism, for Ethan, and all the promise that he represented. Why, then, had it been so difficult? What does it continue to be so? Brian, the one who was left behind, has recuperated completely. He acts as if nothing happened; for him, I guess, nothing did. I was the one who was taking the positive step, toward love, but I seem to be having all the problems. I’m sure Brian never thinks about me when he’s fucking the trick of the hour. When Ethan and I are making love, I sometimes find my mind wandering; I think about Brian and I remember how it was with him.

In the end, I have to make up my mind to not think about Brian. That works for about five minutes, until something I see or hear reminds me of him and I’m lost. Again.

Maybe Michael was right when he told me I should disappear out of their lives. As long as there’s a chance that I’ll see Brian in the diner or on the street, I’ll never be able to give myself completely to Ethan. Deep down, I know that Ethan senses how I still feel about Brian. He’d never admit it, but I’m sure it fuels his insecurity. I tell him, over and over, that I don’t have any feelings for Brian and I think he knows that Brian never had any feelings for me. Still… He’s proven that he can see beyond my words, to what I’m really feeling…

My beer is empty. The bartender asks if I’d like another. I shake my head. It’s time to head home.

Standing up, I look around. There are many more people here than were here when I came in. Maybe the party at the Center is breaking up.

As I shuffle through the door and down the stairs, I try to clear my mind of the jumble of thoughts that seem to have taken up residence there.

Brian and I are the past; Ethan and I are the future. What we have together is real and it will last, but not without effort. I have to start working harder and paying more attention to my boyfriend; I can’t let myself get distracted by people who aren’t good for us. Like Brian.

I pull my collar up against the cold night air and speed up. I hope I make it home before Ethan, so I won’t have to explain where I’ve been. I’m not sure he’d understand; I’m not sure I understand myself.

I hadn’t gone to the Center to see how the carnival was going; I went because I knew Brian would be there… and Ethan wouldn’t be. What did I think would happen? That Brian would declare his undying love for me? Just because he’s been nice to me lately - I’m stupid enough to think that he’s changed?

I was the one who left - not Brian. He doesn’t want me any more, if he ever did. Besides, you’re not supposed to end up with the first guy you have sex with - everybody knows that.

I’m with the person I should be with. ‘I’m with Ethan,’ I say it out loud. Ethan loves me and… ‘I love him.’ I can say it. Why can’t I say it to him?

Looking around, I see that I’ve arrived at our building. There’s a light in our window and I can see Ethan up there, playing. He enjoys playing late at night. He says it’s a good way to unwind from the day. He told me once that the only time he’s truly at peace is when he’s making music. When we’re together, he’s wondering what I’m thinking. When he’s around other people, he has to be the artistic genius. His violin is his only perfect companion. I understand that; I feel the same way about my art.

Standing still, I can almost hear the music: soft and soothing. Ethan knows the best songs to play to get me in the mood. He’s playing for himself tonight, to keep from wondering where I am and who I’m with. He’s up there, trying not to freak out and I’m down here… thinking too much.

I open the door and start walking up the narrow stairs. As I climb, I force all the doubts out of my mind. Ethan loves me and I… feel the same about him. Okay, I haven’t been able to say the words yet, but I will… soon.

I make lots of noise opening the door, giving ample notice that I’m home. I step inside and look across the room. He stops playing in mid-measure. His face is a mask; I have no idea what he’s thinking. Slowly, he lowers his violin and looks at me.

‘Where have you been, Jus?’