Author’s note: This is chapter 9 of my series titled ‘My So-Called Life’. Based on season 3 spoilers, it’s written entirely in Justin’s POV. This chapter is rated R for sexual content.

The Encounter

by Cathy

Less than five minutes after I was dismissed by Brian, I was walking out the front door of his office building and down the street. Instead of heading to the bus stop, I decided to walk for a while. I thought the exercise might clear my head. Besides, I wasn’t ready to be around anyone yet.

For the first few blocks, I ran the scenario over in my head. I hadn’t done anything wrong, I was sure of that. So, why didn’t I stand up to Brian and tell him that?

Because I never stood up to him. I tried, a couple of times, but I never succeeded.

I couldn’t understand why he reacted so badly. Why he was so mad? What had I done wrong?

It reminded me of the day he was robbed. I was almost sure I’d set the alarm when I went to Molly’s party. I wasn’t one hundred percent positive, though, and he was livid. He yelled at me, in front of Michael, and then he told me to get out.

The next time I saw him, in New York, he tried to act like he was still mad, but I could tell he wasn’t. He seemed mildly annoyed that he’d had to drive all night to get his credit card back, but that was all.

After that weekend, we never talked about it again. That was Brian’s way: when he got mad, he yelled, and that was the end of it.

Maybe he was surprised to see me today. Brian doesn’t like surprises - they make him angry. And he has the capacity to say and do very hurtful things when he’s angry. If that’s what happened, he was probably over it five minutes later. If I went over to the loft or called him, he’d probably be okay.

But I’m going to do neither of those things. Why should I? It was a mistake for me to be there, in the same building with him. For whatever reason, I actually thought that the two of us could co-exist peacefully. I deluded myself into thinking that I could see him under certain circumstances and it would be all right. I thought I could be close to him and not be overcome by all the old emotions.

I was wrong, and I’ll be sure not to make the same mistake again.

By the time I got home, my resolve was strong. I saw Daphne’s car parked outside the apartment building, and I knew she’d bombard me with questions as soon as I walked in.

She was sitting in the living room, reading. She looked up. ‘Hey.’

‘Listen, Daph--’ I’d already thought about how I was going to ask her to not ask me anything.

‘I heard,’ she said, quietly. ‘Cynthia called an hour ago. She wants you to call her.’

‘Yeah, like *that’s* going to happen…’ I sat down beside her. ‘Is it… okay if we don’t talk about it right now?’

‘Sure,’ she nodded. ‘I bought you something.’ Standing, she walked over to the kitchen cabinet and brought a bottle back.

I looked at her gift. ‘Where did you get a bottle of Jim Beam?’

‘Greg’s--’

‘Brother,’ I interrupted, ‘I know.’

‘Do you want some?’ She poured a generous amount into a glass she’d also brought.

‘No.’ I looked away.

She held the glass out. ‘I thought you liked it. I’ve seen you drink it…’

‘Yeah, with Brian.’ I sounded sarcastic. ‘And I don’t need anything else to remind me of him right now.’

‘Cynthia said he felt bad about it. He went home after the meeting was over.’ I hadn’t said anything and she continued, ‘She said she was going to talk to him again tomorrow morning. She thought he’d let you come back--’

‘Do you honestly think I’d go back there after…’ I didn’t finish the sentence. ‘Didn’t I just tell you I didn’t want to talk about it?’

‘Okay.’ She sounded disappointed, but I didn’t care. The last thing I wanted was a lecture. ‘Can I tell you just one thing?’ She spoke quickly.

‘Do I have a choice?’ I asked, bitterly.

‘If he didn’t still care about you, Justin, he’d never have yelled. Now is the best time to see him, or call him. Tell him--’

‘Tell him what? That I want to move back into the loft? That I want to go back to the drugs and the sex?’ I was staring at her. ‘That I want to continue being ignored, talked down to and taken for granted? He doesn’t love me, Daph. I know you want him to. *I* wanted him to.’ I looked away. ‘But it’s just not going to happen. The sooner we both realize that, the better off we’ll be.’ I didn’t wait for her to reply. I stood up and walked into my bedroom, where I locked the door.

*&*&*&*&*

I looked at the clock for the fourth time in forty-five minutes. I had fifteen minutes left in my shift, and then I could go home. Debbie had been great when I asked her for my job back. She didn’t ask what happened at Vanguard or say ‘I told you so’. She told me to let her know what my class schedule was, so we could work around it.

This was my second day back at the diner, and it was just like I hadn’t left. Okay, so I’d only been gone a couple of weeks, and I’d still worked on Saturdays, but it was nice to be back in a place where I didn’t have to worry about getting fired for something I didn’t do.

I’d just come back from the kitchen when I saw a familiar figure walk in. He saw me a second later. ‘Hey, Justin. How’s it going?’

‘Robin? What are you doing here?’ As if I didn’t know.

‘I’m hungry.’ He sat down in a booth. ‘Can I get a BLT and some fries?’

‘Sure.’ I wrote down his order and took it to the kitchen. Debbie met me at the window.

‘Is he a friend of yours?’ She smiled conspiratorially.

‘Yeah, kinda.’ I wasn’t going to tell her anything more.

‘Your shift’s almost over. Why don’t you go and sit down with him? I’ll bring his food when it’s ready.’

‘Okay.’ I added my order to the ticket and handed it to her. ‘Thanks.’

I sat down at the booth with Robin. ‘What’re you *really* doing here?’

He was still smiling, but he didn’t answer right away. ‘Okay. You caught me. I wanted to talk to you - to see how you’re doing.’

‘I’m fine.’ I didn’t want to discuss what I suspected he came to discuss.

‘Good.’ He licked his lips. ‘Can I have a glass of water?’ I went to get it.

I set two glasses on the table and seized the opportunity to talk while he was drinking. ‘Listen, Robin… I appreciate your concern, but I don’t want to talk about what happened.’

‘Justin, we all feel terrible about it, especially Cynthia and me. We were the ones who talked you into taking the job.’

‘It’s okay,’ I reassured him. I was prevented from saying anything else when Debbie brought our food. ‘Thanks, Deb.’ I waited for her to walk away before I continued, ‘It was a mistake for me to be there. I know that now.’

Robin looked serious. I’d never seen him doing anything but smiling and laughing. ‘Cynthia told me that you and Brian had been…’

‘Lovers?’ I finished his sentence. ‘I told you I don’t want to talk about it.’

‘I understand.’ Neither of us said anything for a couple of minutes. We were occupied with eating. ‘What are you going to do next?’

I thought about it for a few seconds. ‘Well, I’m going to go home and read two chapters of history and then I’m going to bed.’

He made a face. ‘No, I mean about Brian.’

‘I’m not going to do anything about him.’ I shrugged. ‘It’s over between us.’

He laughed softly. ‘But--’

‘Robin…’ I took a deep breath, to give myself a minute to calm down. ‘This is none of your business.’ I swallowed the last of my cheeseburger and wiped my mouth with my napkin. ‘I don’t want to be rude, but I need to get going.’

‘Wait.’ I paused. ‘You’re right - it *is* none of my business. Don’t go, okay?’ He sounded upset and I felt bad. ‘I didn’t come here to interrogate you about your personal life. I want you to come back to work with us.’

‘What?’ I couldn’t believe I was hearing this.

‘We all think it was lousy that you were… let go, through no fault of your own. We want you to know that the job is still yours, if you want it.’

I was touched, and very surprised. ‘I don’t know what to say… other than thank you.’

He was beaming. ‘So? When will you be back?’

‘Oh, I’m not going back there.’ This conversation had gone beyond weird. ‘Didn’t you hear anything I just said?’

‘About Brian? Yes, but your job has nothing to do with him.’ He seemed to believe what he was saying.

‘Are you kidding? It has *everything* to do with him. He fired me because he didn’t want me around. Even if you circumvented his authority and got me re-hired, he’d get rid of me again.’

‘Not if he didn’t see you. We’d make sure you stayed in the basement.’

‘We were supposed to do that last time, weren’t we?’ I drank the last of my Coke. ‘I appreciate you coming all the way over here to talk to me, but my mind is made up. Tell the guys I said hello.’ Before he could answer me, I fished a bill out of my pocket, laid it on the table and walked out.

*&*&*&*&*

I was coming out of class the next morning when my cell phone rang. I hesitated for one ring; I was sure it was someone I didn’t want to talk to. It could also be my mom or Debbie. I pushed the button. ‘Hello?’

‘Justin? It’s Cynthia-- Don’t hang up!’

‘Okay. What do you want?’

‘Didn’t you get the message I left with your roommate the other day?’

‘Yeah, but I didn’t feel like talking…’

‘Okay, I understand that. But we *do* have some things to discuss.’

‘No we don’t.’ I wasn’t rude enough to hang up on her, but I wished I was.

‘I want you to come by the office this afternoon.’ I didn’t answer. ‘Don’t worry. Brian will be out.’

‘I appreciate you going to the trouble, but--’

‘Justin, you were doing a great job.’

‘Brian fired me, or hadn’t you heard?’

‘Brian was upset - he didn’t mean what he said.’

‘From where I was standing, it sounded like he did.’

‘Will you just come in so we can talk?’

‘No.’

‘The guys here miss you. *I* miss you.’

‘No.’ I was repeating myself, but it didn’t seem to be doing any good.

‘I’m going to keep calling you until you agree to come here.’

I didn’t answer her right away. I had a feeling that she may very well follow through on her threat. ‘Is four thirty too late?’

‘It’s perfect.’

*&*&*&*&*

Cynthia seemed genuinely pleased to see me. We made small talk for a few minutes before she hit me with the news that the owner of the agency, Gardner Vance, had authorized my reinstatement. I was flabbergasted. I inquired as to what was behind this unexpected burst of magnanimity. She would only tell me that Robin and Sam had gone to Vance about me. They told him that I’d been a stellar worker and I was gone through no fault of my own. She’d been given the task of trying to get me to come back.

I had to admit that I was flattered that so many important people gave a shit about what happened to me, but it didn’t change my mind. It had been a mistake, I told her, to think I could come into Brian’s little kingdom and act as if nothing had happened between us. No matter how much I *wanted* to be over him, I wasn’t. As long as I worked here, I never would be.

She listened to my explanation politely. I stood up to leave and she asked me to think about it for a few days. I didn’t want to think about it for a few seconds, but I never had any luck saying no to Brian’s assistant. I told her I’d call her in a day or so. She made me promise.

She looked at the clock. ‘Justin, I hate to run out on you, but I have a hair appointment in ten minutes.’

‘That’s okay. I have to go to the bathroom before I leave.’

We walked out of her office together. ‘It’s down the hall, in case you’ve forgotten.’ She waved to me from the elevator.

When I came out of the bathroom, I walked back toward the stairs. The floor seemed to be deserted.

Rather than leaving, I walked back down to Brian’s office and looked inside. I’d only been there a couple of times; he’d gotten a larger office when he made partner.

I stepped in. Everything around me screamed Brian Kinney, from the huge mahogany desk to the tasteful prints on the walls and the unobtrusive white carpet. If I closed my eyes, my thought, I could feel him…

‘What are you doing here?’

I whirled around and saw him standing just inside the doorway. ‘Cynthia called… She wanted to talk to me…’

‘This isn’t Cynthia’s office.’ He had a slight smile on his full lips. As usual, I had no idea what he was thinking. ‘But… you knew that, didn’t you?’ He pushed the door closed and turned the lock. Moving slowly around the room, he drew the blinds. I watched him in silence.

My mind was racing. I knew I should try to leave, but I didn’t want to. There was no place else on earth I’d rather be at that moment. I took a step backwards and he advanced toward me. A couple more steps and my back was against the door. Our bodies were inches apart. Without warning, his mouth pressed against mine, his tongue parting my lips and plunging inside. His body surged against me and I could feel his erection against my stomach. I heard a groan, but I was unsure which of us uttered it.

I felt dizzy. Nothing I’d ever done felt so wrong and so right at the same time.

He started moving us across the room; we were pulling clothes off and throwing them on the floor as we went. He lifted me off the floor and onto his desk, and then reached into a drawer for a condom. I was half-sitting and half-lying as he impaled me roughly. My brain cried out, although I’m not sure if I actually made a sound.

I looked up into hazel eyes, which were clouded with passion. Wrapping my legs around his waist, I pulled him to me with every thrust. I wanted to close my eyes and give myself over to my senses of smell and taste and touch, but I also wanted to watch his face. Things were moving in slow motion and fast forward at the same time. I grabbed at him frantically, afraid I would wake up and the dream I was experiencing would disappear.

But it wasn’t a dream. I was there and so was Brian. He was inside my body, where I thought he’d never be again and he was inside my mind, where I knew he’d never left.

For some insane reason, I was reminded of the first time Brian and I made love. As I stared at his face that night, his eyes were shut and his mouth was open. I wondered if he was in the same beautiful place that I’d told Daphne about. I hoped he was…

It was over much too soon. He pulled out quickly and started picking up his clothes. I remained where I was, perched on the edge of the desk, watching him dress. As soon as he put his shoes on, he moved to the door, opened it and walked out. I was still naked, so I couldn’t follow him into the hallway. By the time I was dressed and downstairs, there was no sign of him.