This story takes place just before and during the final
scene in ep307. It’s in Justin’s POV, as usual, and it’s
rated NC-17 for language and sex. It was my entry into the fanfiction
contest at the QAF Convention in
Feel Alive
by Cathy
I was still pissed off at Brian when my shift at the diner ended. I wasn’t surprised that he noticed I was wearing the same clothes as the day before, but did he have to be such a smartass about it? Whatever, I thought, as I slipped my jacket on and walked out. I hoped that the fresh air and exercise would do me good.
As I walked I found myself hoping that Daphne wasn’t home; I didn’t want to talk about anything and I was afraid she would.
I decided to take a detour by Ethan’s apartment. There was a chance he wasn’t there and I wanted to pick up the last of my stuff. When I got to the corner and looked up, I saw a light in his window; I could barely make out a figure in silhouette. He was up there, playing. I considered going up anyway; it would be the grown-up thing to do.
After considering it for a few seconds, I turned and started walking away. I guess I just wasn’t ready to be a grown-up yet.
I covered the remaining distance to the apartment quickly; it was getting cold. Daphne wasn’t there, so I heated up leftover pizza from the night before and sat down to work on a project for school. It wasn’t due for almost a week, which was a good thing because I couldn’t make myself concentrate on anything but the shit that had happened over the past few days. I tried to tell myself that the break-up was for the best. If our relationship couldn’t survive a one-night stand with someone who obviously didn’t mean anything to Ethan, what hope was there that we would survive the long haul? An older, wiser man once told me that love is bullshit. Okay, he may not be *that* wise, but he’s definitely older.
I was beginning to think that he’d been right all along.
In the end, I gave up all hope of getting any work done and tossed my sketchpad on the floor next to the bed. I took a very long, very hot shower in the hopes that it would relax me. Instead of getting ready for bed, I rifled through my clothes, some of which hadn’t been unpacked yet, for something suitable to wear out. Pulling on an old shirt and pants, I grabbed my coat and headed out to the bus stop.
On the way to
That just wasn’t me, though, and it never had been. Since the minute I heard Ethan’s apartment door slam behind me, I’d made up my mind to look ahead and not back.
By the time we got to my stop, I’d decided to go to
I was standing at the bar, working on my second vodka tonic, when I saw him. I was trying to sip, rather than gulp, so I wouldn’t get shit-faced in an hour. Feeling someone’s eyes on me, I glanced around and caught him staring. He didn’t look away. A minute later, the bartender set another drink in front of me. ‘I didn’t order this,’ I said.
‘Compliments of your secret admirer,’ he nodded his head in the direction of the guy who was still looking at me. Turning my attention to him, I smiled and mouthed, ‘thank you.’ He started walking slowly toward me and I had a chance to look him over. He was a little taller than me and he had a great body. I could see the outline of his pecs under a tight t-shirt. My eyes strayed down to his crotch. When I looked back up at his face, he was smiling.
Without saying anything, he turned so that his back was against the bar, his dark, muscled arm stretched out just in front of me. His head moved toward my ear. ‘Would you like to dance?’ His eyes hadn’t moved from my face. ‘Or perhaps you’d prefer another type of physical activity…’ He glanced past me, in the direction of the back room.
I didn’t answer him right away. I was trying to figure out
if I’d done anything that would lead him to believe that I wanted to have sex
with him. Maybe the fact that I hadn’t walked away was all the encouragement he
needed. I hadn’t gone to
Leaning forward, he kissed me. There was nothing gentle about it; he plunged his tongue roughly into my mouth.
After a long minute, I broke the kiss and looked at him again. His gaze burned into my skin, like a fire. Taking a step toward the back room, I caught a glimpse of a figure moving into my peripheral vision.
It was strange: there were so many people in that room and they were all moving. How could I be aware of the presence of one person, before I actually saw him?
I stopped in my tracks, eliciting an odd look from my companion. Maybe he didn’t like the fact that I was looking at someone else, even briefly. Shrugging, he turned and started to walk away. Before he could escape, I grabbed him and kissed him. ‘Where do you think you’re going? We’re not done…’ I licked my lips. ‘Are we?’ Without another word, I resumed my journey to the back room, hoping he was following.
I didn’t give myself another chance to think about what I was doing. As a matter of fact, I was trying my best to suspend all rational thought. Suddenly, the only thing I wanted was to bury my dick in someone anonymous and fuck him until I couldn’t remember my name. Despite all my past exhortations to the contrary, maybe there was something to be said for mindless, faceless sex. Sex for the sake of sex…
There was only one problem: what I was about to do might be mindless, but it definitely wasn’t faceless. The face it wore didn’t belong to the beautiful, dark-skinned young man who was unzipping my pants, though. It belonged to a tall, thin man with hazel eyes who was standing on the catwalk, searching out his next trick.
I couldn’t stop a moan from escaping my lips as he gently stroked my cock with his strong hands. A minute later, he started ripping open a condom wrapper with his teeth.
I snatched the condom out of his hands and put it on quickly. He pushed his pants down and out of the way and then turned to face the wall, bracing himself with his hands. Moving forward, I positioned my cockhead at the opening of his body. I didn’t think I’d get any points for gentleness, so I pushed in roughly. Before he could become accustomed to me inside him, I pulled out completely and pushed back in. He reached around, trying to grab me, but I evaded his touch. I wanted our only point of contact to be my cock inside his ass, filling him over and over.
Despite my wish to surrender myself to carnal pleasure, I was nowhere near as into it as my partner was. I had a thought that maybe I should give up and leave. That’s when I looked around.
And I saw Brian again.
He was only a few feet away, with his back against the wall. A guy was unzipping his jeans and pulling them down. He had the same look on his face I’ve seen so many times: the look he had when he was receiving pleasure. His eyes were open and he looked around.
That’s when he saw me.
He didn’t seem surprised. Maybe he’d seen me at the bar, when I first saw him.
He glanced at me and then looked away. He glanced again and looked down. Even though he broke eye contact after only a few seconds, he always looked back. It was as if he had to make sure it was really me. Or that I was doing what he thought I was doing. As far as he knew, I was still with ‘Ian’. He could have been trying to figure out why I was fooling around on my boyfriend, but I don’t think so. If he didn’t want to watch me fucking, he could have closed his eyes or moved to another part of the back room or left altogether.
I don’t think he wanted to get away from me. I think he was enjoying the show, though he pretended not to care. Just like he always tried to convince people that he didn’t give a shit. I could see it - what he was really thinking. It was right there, on his face.
As for me, I never stopped staring at him, no matter what he was looking at. He was so goddamned beautiful... It was as if we were the only two people in the room, and we were having sex with each other. For those few minutes, no one else existed.
As I continued staring at him, I felt my dick getting harder than I ever thought it could.
I never took my eyes off him until he finished, pulled up his pants and walked away. Once he was out of my sight, it was as if all the air was gone from the room. It took a couple more thrusts before I came and I was out of there as fast as humanly possible. I thought I heard someone calling after me, but I paid no attention.
By the time I made it back to the bar, Brian was nowhere to be found. I looked up on the catwalk, where I’d seen him before, but Michael was up there alone. I considered stopping for another drink, but I had to get out of there.
I walked up the street, hoping he might have seen someone he knew and stopped to talk. No such luck. I started looking for the Jeep, but I remembered that he had a new car - did someone tell me it was a Corvette?
As I shuffled down the street to the bus stop, I tried to make sense of what had just happened. All I’d tried to do was have sex with someone I wouldn’t have to face in the morning. Was that so wrong?
Yes, I guess it was, especially when the person who’d been lurking around the edge of my psyche appeared in front of me, as if he’d materialized out of my subconscious. I knew I was going to have to work out how I felt about all of it, but that would have to wait until another day, when I was feeling a bit more lucid. For the time being, all I wanted to do was go home, take a shower and try to wash away the memory of what I’d done, or tried to do. Then I wanted to go to bed and jerk off while I thought about the only person who really makes me feel alive.
~ the end ~