Out of Control

I pull the door open slowly, trying to be as quiet as possible. It would be better for all concerned if I don’t wake him. If he was in the same mood he was in when I saw him last, things might get ugly.

If he’s asleep.

The door closed with a dull thud. I froze, listening for any telltale sign that he was awake.

Silence.

Looking around, I notice the total darkness in the loft. Usually, he leaves a light on.

I can’t stand out here all night. Taking a deep breath, I walk slowly to the bedroom. I pause at the side of the bed and look down, before turning on the lamp on the bedside table and looking again.

The bed is empty.

A quick trip around the apartment reinforces my theory that I’m alone. He’s not in the bathroom, or sleeping on the couch, or hiding in the closet.

Justin isn’t here.

I walk back into the bedroom and look at the alarm clock. It’s almost three, curfew time. I made it home just in time.

Where is that kid?

I sit down on the edge of the bed and try to untangle my thoughts. Justin was plenty pissed when I went off with that guy I met at Babylon. He’s been acting weird ever since Debbie found that dead kid in the dumpster. He kept talking about how dangerous it is to bring strangers back here, how little we know about our tricks and what they’re capable of.

I thought he understood that the danger’s part of the thrill.

I decided it was time to enlighten him as to how risky it was to come with me the first time. He acted like he never had any doubt that he was safe with me, like he made some kind of rational decision to come here.

Bullshit. He followed his dick in here - we both knew it. All that talk about eating Cheerios and being allergic to penicillin; did he think I didn’t know he was terrified? I’ve told him, in the past, that I thought he was incredibly brave to come home with me, but it was also fucking dumb.

I could have done anything I wanted to or with him that night. If he didn’t know it before, he knows it now. I can still do anything I fucking want to him.

But I’d never hurt Justin. He knows that.

If I’m so sure of what he knows, why don’t I know where he is?

Okay, pacing isn’t helping anything. Sit down, I tell myself, and think.

I stand back up.

I’ll go back out and look for Justin - find him, and bring him home.

That’s right; just get in the Jeep and ride around the dark streets, until…

Until what? Until I find him, leaning against a signpost? Or until I don’t find him?

"This is totally fucked," I mumble, as I pick up my car keys and walk back toward the door.

Several hours later, I’m back at the loft. I didn’t drive around as much as I just sat in the Jeep, outside the diner, outside Babylon, outside Debbie’s house and, finally, outside my own apartment building. Thinking…

I knew he was upset when he followed us out of Babylon. Why did I have to make a joke out of it? Why did I ignore his fears and keep on walking, away from him? I forget that he still has emotional scars from the bashing. He looks okay and acts okay, most of the time, but he sometimes has moments when he’s completely irrational. He always apologizes for it afterwards, and I always shrug it off.

What did he do after I walked away with that guy? I assumed he came back here. Did he? Or did he go back inside Babylon and pick someone up? Did he find someone outside to go home with? Someone dangerous, like the guy who picked up dumpster guy?

I walk slowly up the stairs and open the door to the loft. "Justin?"

No answer.

I’m really tired, and I can’t think about what I should do next, so I strip off my clothes and walk to the bathroom. I shower quickly - showers are no fun without Justin - and walk back into the bedroom. Throwing myself on the bed, I close my eyes and will myself to go to sleep.

When I wake up, I decide, he’ll be here.

*&*&*&*&*

I’m not awake yet; I don’t even have my eyes open. I reach out to grab Justin and pull him close. My hand encounters nothing but the duvet and a stray pillow.

Opening my eyes, I sit up and look around. The events of the night before come back to me. I’m alone. I wasn’t dreaming.

Closing my eyes again, I lie back down. Total silence surrounds me. Was it ever this quiet before? When I lived here alone?

I can’t stay in bed all day, I tell myself, especially not alone. Besides, I’m starving; I decide to go to the diner and get some breakfast. It would serve me right to find Justin there, pouring coffee and making small talk with the guys, as if nothing happened.

I force myself not to think about him as I dress and walk down to the Jeep. Traffic is always light this early on a Sunday morning.

From the front door, I see Mikey sitting at the counter; Ben is sitting on one side of him and Ted is on the other. I sit beside Ben at the stool closest to the door, in case I need to make a tactical retreat. Debbie brings coffee over almost immediately and I give her my order.

"Where’s Emmett?" I ask no one in particular.

"He didn’t come home last night," Michael grins, "so I assume he’s with George."

"Aren’t they spending a lot of time together?" I ask.

"I saw them at the opera last night. They were drinking champagne during intermission."

I must’ve made a face because Michael gives me that disapproving look of his, the one I really hate. "I think it’s fabulous that Emmett’s happy--"

"With Grandpa Walton?" Ted’s tone is derisive.

"What difference does it make, how old or young someone is, or how they look? What matters is on the inside." Ben’s voice was soft and he never took his eyes off Mikey. He was rewarded with a kiss.

"That’s very profound, Ben," I pretend to be impressed.

Ted chimes in. "Yeah, I’ll remember that it was spoken by someone who works out constantly and has a body by God."

"Hey! You’re not supposed to be looking at my boyfriend’s body!" Mikey delivers a mock-punch to Ted’s arm.

"Speaking of boyfriends, where’s Sunshine?" Debbie brings my plate.

I was wondering how long it was going to take for her to say something. "Is he supposed to be working?"

"No, he has the day off." She looks at me suspiciously. "Where is he, Brian?"

I assume my most innocent look. "How should I know?"

"What do you mean, how should you know? He lives with you, Brian. Sleeps with you. Did you leave him in bed this morning? Is he sick? Should I fix a plate for you to take to him?"

"That’s not necessary." I lick my lips, then look down. "He’s not at the loft."

"Where the hell is he, then?" Debbie’s voice has increased in volume and people are starting to stare. I know she’s not going to leave this alone until she finds out everything she thinks she needs to know.

I look her square in the eye. "I don’t know where he is."

"What?"

One word is echoed by the four people who are sitting or standing closest to me. They all stare at me for about three seconds, then they all start talking. Their words are different, but their meaning is the same. They expect me to explain the unexplainable: where he is and why he’s not here.

It’s Debbie’s voice that drowns out everyone else’s. "What the fuck did you do to him to make him run away again?" She’s glaring at me and I can feel every other eye in the place staring at me as well.

"We were at Babylon last night and he freaked when I left with someone."

"You left Justin and went home with someone else?" Michael looked at me, accusingly.

"Yeah." I tried to look innocent. "It may come as a surprise, Mikey, but I sometimes leave Babylon in the company of gentlemen to whom I have not been formally introduced."

"You know, I gotta hand it to you, Brian," Ted had that smug look that I hated. "I really thought Justin had become a good influence on you lately. I’m so glad to know that you’re still the heartless shit we all know."

"Will you shut the fuck up?" My gaze moved from Ted to Mikey and Ben. "All of you."

"Did it ever occur to you that he might be worried about you going off with a total stranger?" I’d forgotten that Debbie was still standing on the other side of the counter. "Didn’t you see how shaken he was when he saw that dead kid? Can’t you think about someone other than yourself for five fucking minutes?"

That’s it, I decided. Surely, there’s a restaurant somewhere in Pittsburgh where I can have breakfast without the sermon. I stood up to leave when the door opened and in he walked, with Daphne beside him.

I froze in my tracks; I guess I must have been staring, because Debbie followed my gaze and saw him too. "Sunshine!" She moved over to intercept him before he could make it to a booth. "Are you okay?" She grabbed him in a hug. "Is he okay, Daphne?"

He pulled back enough to be able to speak. "I’m fine. Why?" Daphne nodded.

"Brian was regaling us with the story of how he left you at Babylon last night and went home with another guy." Ted was enjoying this entirely too much. "He didn’t know where you were."

"I went to Daph’s." He refused to give me more than a glance. "After what happened at the loft, did you expect me to leave a note?" Everyone looked at me like they thought I was going to tell them what happened between Justin and me, but that wasn’t going to happen. I knew that Justin wouldn’t tell it either.

Still, I held my breath when Justin started talking again. "I admit I was pretty upset. That’s why I called Daphne." He smiled at his friend, who stood beside him. "I knew she’d let me stay at her place and she wouldn’t try to tell me what to do."

"He also knew I’d drive over and pick him up in the middle of the night--"

"Hey! I told you I’d take a cab!"

"Justin, you were practically crying when you called me." In response, everyone gave me yet another disapproving look. Everyone, that is, except Justin.

He looked away again when I caught his eye. "I went to Woody’s and let several guys buy me drinks. I was planning on going home with one of them, but I changed my mind. That’s when I called Daph. I was pretty drunk by the time she got there."

No one said anything for several seconds and the silence was threatening to become awkward. Ben spoke to Daphne. "I hope Justin has told you what a good friend you are."

Daphne blushed. "I didn’t really do anything. We just talked."

"And talked and talked." Justin laughed. "About everything… *except* Brian." The smile disappeared. "It gave me a chance to work through some things, and to make some decisions."

I wanted to ask what he’d decided, but I wasn’t sure I really wanted to know.

"What kind of decisions?" Thank you, Mikey.

"About myself." Justin paused, keeping us all in suspense. He licked his lips, then looked straight at me. "I’ve changed a lot in the last year, since I’ve met all of you." He was still staring at me. "For the most part, I’m proud of who I am. Lately, though, I’ve kinda turned into an asshole." He scrunched up his nose. "All I think about is getting drunk, or high, or laid. When I see a cute guy, I don’t wonder what he’s like - I wonder how it would feel to fuck him."

"There are those among us who would say there’s nothing wrong with that." Ted never missed a chance to get a dig in at me.

"There isn’t… anything wrong with that." Justin said it matter-of-factly and it took everyone by surprise. They were all staring at him again. "If that’s the way you truly feel, then you have an obligation to live your life that way." He glanced at Ted, Michael, Ben, Debbie and Daphne, then looked back at me. "That’s not me. Not really. I lost sight of ‘me’ for a while. I realized that last night when we were talking about how different college is from high school. Remember, Daph?" He put his arm around his friend. "You were telling me how some people are *so* fake - you can see right through them?"

"I-I wasn’t talking about you, Justin." Daphne looked around nervously.

Justin looked serious. "I know, but *I* was. I’ve become a prick. *I* don’t even like me very much anymore. So, I’m going to try to change. A wise man told me once," he smiled at me, "that it’s harder to be true to yourself than it is to follow the crowd. I thought I understood what he was talking about then, but I didn’t really. I do now, though."

"Wait a minute. Are you saying you’re giving up Babylon? No more tricking?" Debbie had been listening attentively but she looked confused.

Justin laughed. "Not exactly, Deb." Leaning his head toward her, he whispered, "I enjoy fucking too much to ever give it up." Everyone laughed, except me. "What I’m giving up is doing shit because I think it’s what someone else wants me to do." He didn’t mention me by name. He didn’t have to. "Life’s too short to worry about what other people think. In the end, I’m the only person I’m responsible for."

There was another silence. Everyone was looking at everyone else, not knowing what to say. Justin continued looking at me, like he expected me to comment on what he’d said. I had plenty to say to him, but not here, in front of everybody.

It was Debbie who finally said something. "Okay, you two kids sit down and let me bring you some breakfast."

Daphne walked over to the nearest booth and sat down. Justin paused, continuing to look at me. "I’m not hungry. I’d like to go home and go back to bed."

This was my cue. "That sounds like a good idea. I didn’t get much sleep last night either." I stand up and start walking toward the door.

Justin intercepts me. Standing on his toes, he reaches up and kisses me lightly, sweetly. "Who said anything about sleeping?" He arches his eyebrows salaciously and grabs my hand, pulling me toward the door.

I follow him without a backward glance.