Author’s note: Being the good little Justin fan that I am, episode 213 upset me quite a bit. It was good to see ‘my’ Sunshine trying to take responsibility for his life. Having said that, it was still very difficult to watch him make a very bad decision. This is my attempt to come to terms with his actions. Many thanks to the my listsibs on the Yahoo Groups Justin/Brian list for their inspiration and besos to Desi, my beta extraordinaire.

I stand just outside the door to the loft, waiting…

Waiting for what?

The courage to go inside.

Maybe Brian isn’t even home yet.

Yes, he is. It’s curfew time. And I saw his Jeep downstairs.

I wonder how long he’s been home. He left Babylon pretty early. I know. I watched him leave.

I watched him all night, as much as I could. It’s amazing how different everything - everybody - looks from up there. All the guys who were so hot when I was on the floor looked ordinary from where I was dancing.

Except Brian. If I was standing on the moon, looking down at him, he’d still be the hottest guy I’d ever seen.

I put my hand on the doorknob. Maybe he’s asleep.

I pull the door open slowly. Brian is sitting at his computer, his back to the door. Is he really working or just waiting up for me?

I shut the door and lean against the wall. "You’re still up." Could I think of something a little more lame to say?

"Yeah, I was doing my homework." He doesn’t turn around. "It’s late."

"I had to talk to the boss." I try to keep my voice even.

"Mmm hmmh." He still doesn’t look around.

"He said, starting tomorrow, I can dance on the bar." I start walking toward where Brian is sitting, but I stop after a few steps.

"After only one night?" Why won’t he look at me?

"I told you I could take care of myself." Before I realize what I’m doing, I walk over to Brian. Leaning over, I kiss him quickly on the mouth. When I pull back, he has this crooked smile on his face. As I turn and walk toward the bedroom, I can feel his eyes following me.

He said something in a low voice. I suspect he didn’t mean for me to hear it, but I did. He said, "Yeah, I guess you can." He doesn’t sound happy.

I undress quickly. I should take a shower, should have taken one before I left Babylon. Too tired. I just want to go to sleep. I collapse, naked, on the bed.

I close my eyes and try to turn my brain off long enough for sleep to come.

I can still see his head bobbing up and down, back and forth. I can still hear the slurping sounds, then his soft moan when I came. I can still feel the heat of his mouth as his lips closed around my dick, and the way his fingernails dug into my ass when he tried to pull me closer.

I turn over onto my stomach, burying my face in the pillow. It didn’t mean anything because I didn’t *feel* anything. I can’t believe I even got hard; maybe Brian was right when he said I could rub against a tree and get hard. I don’t think he would have cared if I hadn’t. For once, I was glad that I came fast.

As I pulled up my pants, he stared up at me, with a weird look on his face. He definitely enjoyed it, even though he didn’t say ‘thank you’. Maybe he expected me to thank him.

I saw a chance to make more money and I took it, that’s all. I have to start taking responsibility for myself. I can’t expect my parents to be there for me. My father is a homophobic prick who’d let his only son drop out of college before he’d help him; as for my mother, she means well and she tries hard, but she’ll never understand.

I was happy that Brian offered to help. I wanted to cry when he started talking about me being an investment in the future. Instead, I reciprocated the only way I could think of: I went down on him in the Jeep. In broad daylight. Right there on the street. It was a stupid thing to do, I know, but he never told me to stop. He enjoyed the hell out of it, and so did I. I slowed down as much as I could, until we stopped outside the loft. I wouldn’t want us getting killed if he closed his eyes when he came and careened across four lanes of traffic in downtown Pittsburgh.

Brian was still turned on when we got back upstairs. He undressed me and then he fucked me. For a change, he took his time and drove me crazy. Every time I came, he would slow down and change positions. I was begging him not to stop, to do it harder. And he did. I fell asleep afterwards - Brian said he couldn’t remember the last time I’d slept through dinner.

Now, I’m lying here, afraid Brian is going to come to bed and want to fuck. I know I’ll let him, but I won’t be able to stop thinking about my boss. If he could tell I’d kissed that guy at Daphne’s party, how hard will it be for him to figure out that I did something tonight? Maybe he already knows. Maybe that’s why he was acting so weird when I came home.

Will Brian get pissed because of what I did? Or will he understand? Whatever he thinks, he won’t tell me. When has he ever let me know what he’s thinking?

Fuck him. And, fuck Gary too. Fuck everyone who thinks they know more than me and who thinks they have a right to tell me what to do. This is my life. I’m the only one I’m responsible for, isn’t that what Brian says? I did what I had to do, that’s all. What’s that saying about the ends justifying the means? If that was ever true, it applies to this situation. If I have to do it again, I will.

Brian also says it’s not lying if they make you lie. So, is it wrong if they make you do something you know is wrong? What choice did I have? I can’t let him rescue me from every problem I encounter. There will come a day, in the future, when he won’t be there to help me. I don’t want to think about that time, but it will come. As much as I dream that Brian and I will be together forever, I know the odds are against us. I know there are things he needs that he doesn’t get from me. For a long time I thought that all I had to do was love him enough and everything would be okay. Now I’m not so sure anymore. Every time I think we’re getting closer, he pulls away. It’s as if he thinks it’s a sign of weakness to let me see what he’s really like, what he wants, what he needs. And who he loves.

Okay, I know Brian loves me. He’s done too many amazing things for me not to know. I don’t understand why he can’t just tell me. It’s just three little words. Why is it so hard for him to say them? I’d tell him I loved him in a nanosecond, if I thought it would make a difference. But it wouldn’t.

I hear movement in the other room. It sounds like Brian is turning off lights, which means he’s on his way in here, to bed. As much as I would love to feel him inside me tonight, I just don’t think I could handle it. He may not know what I did, exactly, but he knows something happened. He’s been around Babylon since it first opened; he told me once that he’d had every hot guy who ever danced there. He knows there’s only one way I could progress to dancing on the bar after only one night. I know that, if I looked deep enough into his eyes, I’d be able to see the disappointment there.

I can take being stared at while I shake my ass in front of a bunch of strangers; I could even close my eyes and not think about anything while that sleazeball sucked my dick. But I cannot endure knowing that I’ve done something that will make Brian think less of me. All I’ve ever wanted, from the minute I saw him, was to make him happy. That’s why I can’t tell him what I did. Why he can’t tell me that he knows, and that he understands. We’re doomed to continue with our little game, until one of us has the courage, or the stupidity, to end it.

Brian is in the bedroom now. I lie completely still, pretending that I’m asleep. I’ll be able to face him in the morning, after I’ve slept, but not now.

I can feel the mattress dip as Brian lies down. I hold my breath, afraid he’s going to discover that I’m not asleep. There’s more movement and I think he’s shifting closer to me. I feel his fingers move lightly across the back of my head. He’s playing with my hair. "Justin…" The word is said so quietly that I almost think I imagined it. There’s a light touch on my ear - he’s kissing it. His face is still close – I can feel his warm breath against the side of my head. "You stupid little twat, don’t you fucking know…?"

The next thing I feel is his arm as he wraps it around my chest, rolling me over to my side. He’s not worried about waking me - he says nothing disturbs me when I’m really out. His naked body moves against my back as he spoons me.

Now I’m really sorry I pretended to be asleep. I want to turn over and make him tell me what it is I’m supposed to know. Then I want to crawl on top of him, kiss him everywhere and beg him to take away the memory of what I did with that asshole.

But I can’t. Brian can’t know that I know that he cares.

Suddenly, I can’t keep my eyes open. I surrender myself to the feel of Brian’s body against mine, and fall asleep.