Author/pseudonym: Cathy Roberts
Email address: huntersglenn@yahoo.com
Rating: PG
Status: 1/1
Character: Luka Kovac
Date: May 4, 2003
Archive: Not without permission
Category: "E.R
Disclaimer: "ER" and all its characters belong to Warner Bros. No infringement of their copyright is intended. This story was written for the enjoyment of "ER" fans everywhere, and may be downloaded for your own pleasure. The song "The Scientist" is by Coldplay, and no infringement of their copyright is intended.
Summary: A post-episode story for "Foreign Affairs", this story also contains spoilers for future episodes.
"There Is Always Hope"
by: Cathy Roberts
Luka was almost to his car when he realized that he'd left a book behind in his locker. It wasn't all that important, it was just some stupid crime novel, but it was a book he had started and he had wanted to finish reading it on the plane ride to Africa. Reasoning that it wouldn't take too long to retrieve it, Luka headed back toward the hospital, his footsteps light and no longer heavy.
He had meant what he had told Kerry earlier - that helping the boy had made him once more feel like a doctor, as if he were really doing something worthwhile with his life. And Luka knew that going to the Congo would reinforce that feeling. It was difficult to feel worthless when your smallest actions could make such a huge difference.
Walking back into the lounge, Luka saw that Abby was still there, only now she was sitting at the table and in tears.
"Hey," he gently said, his hand reaching out to tentatively touch her shaking shoulder. Even though things were better between them, he wasn't too sure of the limits, and Luka didn't want to cross the line.
"You're back," Abby said, her hands swiping at the tears on her cheeks.
"I forgot something. I know things are hard right now, Abby, but I'm not in that much of a hurry. I have time to listen." Luka sat down in the chair nest to Abby's. Leaning forward and resting his elbows on his knees he looked intently at her. "What's wrong? Is it your brother? Something with Carter?"
"Try all of the above," Abby bitterly replied. She shook her head. "As if it wasn't bad enough that I went chasing after Eric on the same day that John's grandmother died, Eric chose today to decide that the program wasn't really for him. He...left and showed up at my place as I was getting ready for the funeral. I gave him some meds, but couldn't risk leaving him there alone. I really thought that he'd be okay in the car. There was a television, so he could watch something, the driver was there..." She took a deep breath and more tears fell as she continued her story. "I'm sitting there with John when all of a sudden I'm aware that Eric's not only out of the car, but he's peeing on a tree. Thankfully, no one else saw that, but Eric made quite a scene when I tried to get him back into the car, to the extent that he ended up falling into the grave that had been dug for Mrs. Carter. John was..."
"Appalled?" Luka asked, wondering just how he would have felt in that situation.
"Devastated is more like it." Abby reached for a tissue and dabbed it at her nose. "When I told him that I'd be to the house once I dropped Eric off here, he said why bother...and then he shows up here. It seemed that when I was down here looking for him, he was busy, and when he was looking for me, I was upstairs...and just now he was trying to help in a trauma, someplace he didn't need to be, especially not right now. I got him out. But...he told me to do him a favor and just go, to leave him alone. He has things to think out, and all of that. I left. Maybe I should have stayed, but the look in his eyes..." More tears rolled down her face and Abby quickly wiped them away. "I looked back inside and he was sitting there, crying. I wanted to go back to him, Luka. But I don't think I can handle hearing him telling me again to go, to leave. I love him and I know he loves me, but he's so lost right now, Luka. He's so very lost. I know he's just lashing out, but I can't just stand there and take it."
"Grief is a very painful thing, Abby. And it often makes us do things we wouldn't normally do. I don't think that Carter intended to hurt you. As you said, he loves you." It didn't hurt as much lately for Luka to admit that out loud, nor did it hurt as much for him to admit to himself that Abby loved Carter, and was happy. Or at least, they had been happy. He didn't know what had happened to change things, but it hadn't gone by him that lately, the two of them hadn't seemed as happy. Then again, every couple went through rough patches, and if the love was meant to be, then Carter and Abby would work through this.
"I remember when my mother-in-law died, things were bad for a while. The woman died from natural causes, but we were stuck in Vukovar and couldn't get out for the funeral. Danijela was furious with me over that, since my internship was the only reason we had stayed there. For days she would hiss at me how unfair I was to her and the children for always putting myself and my needs before theirs. She kept pushing me away, not even wanting to look at me on some days. But it got better, Abby. The grief eased and she realized that it wasn't my fault. She even said that it was a good thing we had stayed, since I was there to help out at the hospital, and with minor injuries our neighbors sometimes suffered." Luka didn't want to go on and recount how his decision to stay there had resulted in the deaths of all he held dear. He could only hope and pray that Danijela and his children forgave him for his selfishness.
"Give Carter some time and space, Abby. But let him know that you're there for him, without expecting apologies, without making judgments." Luka reached out and smoothed a bit of hair back from Abby's face. "Tell him you love him, no matter what."
Abby slowly nodded. "Tomorrow. I'll tell him tomorrow. He doesn't want to see me tonight." She pushed her chair back and got to her feet. "I need to go upstairs. Eric's probably getting depressed over what happened and someone needs to reassure him that he wasn't at fault. It's going to take him a while to realize that he just can't go off his meds at a whim."
Luka also rose to his feet, but he wondered if Abby was doing the right thing by waiting. Being reassured that he was loved was probably the most important thing that Carter needed to hear right then. "Good luck, Abby."
She looked back at him from the door and nodded. "Thanks. And good luck to you, too, Luka." And then she was gone.
Luka went over to his locker and found his book. It was somehow not quite fair that he should be feeling optimistic about his life when others around him were in so much pain, but that was the way life often worked. He was sure that Abby and Carter would weather the storm and come out a stronger couple in the long run.
Stepping out into the ambulance bay, Luka noticed Carter outside, just standing there. "Carter?"
Carter turned his head to look at him, even though it was night, Luka could see that Abby hadn't been lying when she had said that Carter had been crying. The man's eyes were red and slightly swollen. "Luka."
They just stood there, looking at each other, and then Carter looked away. Luka took a step closer. "As long as you remember her, then she'll never be really gone. Your love will keep her memory alive."
Carter nodded. "I know. Thank you for the card and flowers you sent. They were beautiful. Gamma always liked..." his voice caught and Luka wondered if Carter was on the verge of crying again, but before he could say anything, Carter continued. "She always liked roses."
"I had hoped they were appropriate. My grandmother loved roses as well." Luka took a step toward the parking garage. "I need to go. I've got a lot left to do to get ready for the Congo."
"Good luck," Carter replied. Then he turned again to look at Luka, concern in his eyes. "Take care of yourself over there."
Luka smiled. "Thank you. I'll do my best. Goodnight."
Luka had taken a few more steps when Carter's voice stopped him and he turned to see Carter walking toward him. "What?"
"Is it too late? To go to the Congo, I mean? They sent me the paperwork, but I haven't done anything with it yet." There was an intensity in Carter's eyes that hadn't been there a moment ago, and while it was better than the sadness, Luka wasn't quite sure it was a look he liked any better.
"It shouldn't be too late to go, they always need volunteers. We wouldn't be there at the same time, it's too late for that."
Carter nodded. "But not too late to go...I've got to get out of here. I can't think here, not right now. And I just can't sit at home doing nothing. I wasn't at home when she died, so there was nothing I could do to prevent that, and I can't seem to do anything around here to stop death, so I might as well try the Congo, right?"
Luka had an inkling of what Carter was feeling and he nodded. "It will be rough over there. Their facilities and supplies are greatly lacking, but I think you'll find the experience to be worthwhile even as it breaks your heart."
"Hard to break a heart that's already shattering, isn't it?" Carter bitterly replied, and then he shook his head. "Sorry. You didn't need to hear that. I'll send the paperwork off in the morning. Thanks."
"Good luck with it. I know that Abby will miss you."
"Maybe." Carter looked away. "I'm just afraid that if I don't get away, then it will reach a point where she won't care either way."
"She loves you, Carter. Abby will always care, no matter what," Luka said, knowing it was true. It would take a lot for Carter to drive her away permanently.
"Yeah, right," Carter scoffed. "I can tell by how often she tells me that. Well, I shouldn't keep you away from your packing. I guess I'll see you when we're both back."
"Yes." Luka doubted if their paths would cross in the Congo, although it would be nice to run into a familiar face and be able to work with someone he knew. But the way things were set up, Luka knew he'd be back in Chicago at about the same time Carter would be leaving - provided things progressed that quickly. "Take care."
As Luka once more headed toward his car, he found himself thinking that Carter was most likely right in knowing he needed a break and time to think about things. He knew that Abby would wait for Carter, maybe not patiently, but she'd wait, and she'd be there for Carter when he got back. Provided of course, that Carter sought her out. One thing was for certain, if the two of them didn't start telling each other how they felt, then it was going to feel as if Carter's brief time in Africa was an eternity - an eternity in Hell. Knowing that his wife loved him had kept Luka sane while Danijela had worked through her grief. If Carter could hear those words from Abby, then Luka knew it would go a long way toward helping him, as well.
He got in the car and turned on the ignition, the radio blaring to life with the latest Coldplay song. "Nobody said it would be easy, oh it's such a shame for us to part. Nobody said it was easy, no one ever said it would be so hard. I'm going back to the start." As he backed out of his parking space, Luka wondered if that would be the case for Abby and Carter - would they go back to the start and make things work, or would they give up? A few months ago, he would have been hoping for them to give up, so he could have another chance with Abby, but now...now he knew that they weren't meant to be anything other than friends, and he found himself sending up a small prayer that the couple would make it. He had known that Carter loved Abby long before Abby knew that. Maybe even before Carter knew it. He had definitely known that Abby loved Carter long before she admitted it to herself. It would be a shame for all of those years of loving and waiting to be brushed aside when a good life together was within their grasp.
Love could conquer all, but you had to let it, and right then, Luka could only hope that Abby and Carter would be willing to let it. Maybe when he and Carter were both back, Luka could see what he could do to play a bit of 'matchmaker'. He could even try to talk Susan Lewis into helping out. She knew, just as he did, that Abby and Carter belonged together, and Luka was sure that with her help, the two of them could help things along. He grinned at the thought of him and Susan working together on something other than a trauma. He liked Susan Lewis, and felt she kind of liked him, even if she was married to a stranger, more or less. Even though that marriage was supposed to end, Luka knew that Susan would want Abby and Carter to end up as husband and wife, and would do all she could to help make it happen.
That course of action decided upon, Luka drove home, feeling better than he had in a long time. Things were only going to get better, he decided, and he glanced upward through his windshield toward Heaven. "Thank you," he whispered, content that God had finally answered his prayers. It had been a long time coming, but hope had returned to Luka's life, and he knew he'd never again let go of it.